I think I might be done with the blog. I mean, let's be honest, I don't really blog that much anymore anyway. But instead of trying to pretend I'll find time to write I may just have to let go and say goodbye.
I love my blog. I have loved it over the past 3 and a half years. Even though I honestly can't believe that it has even been in existence for that long. It has helped me get through some very tough times and has helped me express feelings that I couldn't say out loud. I've poured my heart and soul out over this web page. It started as a way to share my pregnancy... my first pregnancy. Little did I know what it would turn into over the years.
I've really used the blog as therapy. There were nights that I would just sob as I wrote, letting out all the emotions I was holding inside. Those moments feel so far away now. For so many years I had a hole in my heart that was just festering with anger and jealousy and resentment and sadness. I feel like Evan has filled that hole now. I still have scars but the wounds are healed. People tell me I'm a different person now, that I even look different, and I agree. I am different now. I'm happy. My heart is whole. I don't have that emptiness anymore. Evan has brought so much joy into my life. He was my missing piece. Don't get me wrong, I still have issues. Don't we all?! I'm tired and stressed and insecure but I have this amazing little boy that smiles at me and makes it all better.
I just don't feel like I have all that much to say anymore and that when I blog it isn't true feelings and emotions coming out, it's just words to get words on the page. Like an after-thought. I feel terrible letting it go but if I can't do it right, I don't want to do it at all. And it is so much easier to share via facebook!
So thank you for hanging in with me through three pregnancies, two miscarriages, lots of medications and shots and doctors and ultrasounds and tons and tons of tears. Thank you for always being supportive when I needed it the most.
Joe told me I have to sign off the blog with a random quote from The Chappelle Show. Dave Chappelle playing P. Diddy, "that's it, I'm closing down the studio". LOL
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hard work
Man, this mom thing is hard work! I've never had a job as tough as this. I've also never had one that I love so much.
Evan is amazing. I mean, I get that all moms gush over their children and think that their child is the cutest and the smartest and the most wonderful little person ever but, in my case, it's absolutely true. He just blows me away with all the things he is learning to do and his little smiles and giggles just melt my heart. I smile from the inside out when I think about him.
But even though he is perfect, he is also exhausting! Joe and I are very lucky that Evan is such a pleasant baby. He rarely fusses, usually only when he's tired or hungry, and the majority of the time he's smiling or talking to us. But being "on" all the time... man, that wears me out! I'm always trying to come up with different ways to amuse Evan or to make him laugh. And having one sided conversations about imagined people, places, and things is taxing my poor, overtired brain. Even the mundane descriptions of what I'm doing or what the dogs are doing or what the noises are that he's hearing or the colors that he's seeing are exhausting. I'm talking ALL.THE.TIME.
The "breaks" that I get when he goes down for naps or to bed at night are spent doing house work or prepping for the next day. Laundry and dishes and dinner and cleaning fill all the spaces in between. I know that housework is the least important thing I should worry about, and I do try to let go of some stuff, but I have to do laundry and we have to eat and we have to have clean dishes.
I feel like the only break my brain gets at home is when I'm pumping. And I seriously just zone out while I'm doing it. I can hardly carry on a conversation. My brain takes a quick vacation when the pump comes on. But pumping during work is different. I feel guilty for taking breaks to pump so I still answer the phone and emails and eat my lunch/snacks while I pump. It's very weird talking to my supervisor on the phone with no shirt on but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I don't mean to complain. I am so grateful for every second I have with Evan. He seriously makes my life. He is the best thing that I've ever done and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I was looking at him tonight when I was rocking him to sleep and can't believe that he's already doubled in size since he was born. It's gone by so fast and I feel like I've already forgotten how small he used to be. I try so hard to memorize all his features and all the sweet little things he does but there is just no way I'll remember it all. I'm so excited for him to grow up but I also wish he'd stay my little baby boy forever.
We've been getting ready for Christmas. Our house is decorated and we've got some presents under the tree. I know Evan won't remember this Christmas but I'm still excited to show him the tree and the lights and the ornaments. I hope to take a ton of pictures too. I've been SLOWLY working towards getting Christmas cards printed but at the rate I'm going I'll be sending out Valentine's Day cards instead. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your families!
Evan is amazing. I mean, I get that all moms gush over their children and think that their child is the cutest and the smartest and the most wonderful little person ever but, in my case, it's absolutely true. He just blows me away with all the things he is learning to do and his little smiles and giggles just melt my heart. I smile from the inside out when I think about him.
But even though he is perfect, he is also exhausting! Joe and I are very lucky that Evan is such a pleasant baby. He rarely fusses, usually only when he's tired or hungry, and the majority of the time he's smiling or talking to us. But being "on" all the time... man, that wears me out! I'm always trying to come up with different ways to amuse Evan or to make him laugh. And having one sided conversations about imagined people, places, and things is taxing my poor, overtired brain. Even the mundane descriptions of what I'm doing or what the dogs are doing or what the noises are that he's hearing or the colors that he's seeing are exhausting. I'm talking ALL.THE.TIME.
The "breaks" that I get when he goes down for naps or to bed at night are spent doing house work or prepping for the next day. Laundry and dishes and dinner and cleaning fill all the spaces in between. I know that housework is the least important thing I should worry about, and I do try to let go of some stuff, but I have to do laundry and we have to eat and we have to have clean dishes.
I feel like the only break my brain gets at home is when I'm pumping. And I seriously just zone out while I'm doing it. I can hardly carry on a conversation. My brain takes a quick vacation when the pump comes on. But pumping during work is different. I feel guilty for taking breaks to pump so I still answer the phone and emails and eat my lunch/snacks while I pump. It's very weird talking to my supervisor on the phone with no shirt on but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I don't mean to complain. I am so grateful for every second I have with Evan. He seriously makes my life. He is the best thing that I've ever done and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I was looking at him tonight when I was rocking him to sleep and can't believe that he's already doubled in size since he was born. It's gone by so fast and I feel like I've already forgotten how small he used to be. I try so hard to memorize all his features and all the sweet little things he does but there is just no way I'll remember it all. I'm so excited for him to grow up but I also wish he'd stay my little baby boy forever.
We've been getting ready for Christmas. Our house is decorated and we've got some presents under the tree. I know Evan won't remember this Christmas but I'm still excited to show him the tree and the lights and the ornaments. I hope to take a ton of pictures too. I've been SLOWLY working towards getting Christmas cards printed but at the rate I'm going I'll be sending out Valentine's Day cards instead. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your families!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
What a difference
It is incredible how much things can change in one year. But more than that, it is incredible how one event can change your life. One year ago today my life changed forever. One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
I try to remember that day and my life before that day. My life, or more accurately, my state of mind was not good then. I was six years into my quest to have a baby and had 2 miscarriages, 6 failed IUI’s, one failed IVF and tens of thousands of dollars in infertility debt under my belt. I was lost. I had no idea where I would go next. We were out of options when it came to paying for more treatments and pretty much out of hope that anything would ever work for us. I was wallowing in my own misery and overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I couldn’t even look at a pregnant person without getting upset.
I knew back then that there was something deeply, deeply wrong with me. But I think I was so used to feeling depressed that I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way I was. I withdrew from the world. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have a family yet that I would dread running into people out in public because I knew (I KNEW) the inevitable question would be coming up right after the “hellos”. “Do you have any kids”, terrified me more than any other question in the world. Well, actually, the follow up, “why not” was always worse. I will never, never, never ask someone why they don’t have children. Never! Even though I knew it was coming I could never stammer out a clever answer. In the beginning it was easy, we’d just say we had dogs and they were our kids for now. But as the years of pain and disappointment continued, it was harder and harder to blame our dogs for my flawed reproductive system. But I got pretty good at lying, changing the subject, fighting back the tears, and swallowing the gigantic lump in my throat.
I withdrew from my family too. I felt like a stranger around them. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to my family. I saw the way my parents loved on my nieces and nephews and the way my sisters bonded over motherhood. I had nothing that could compare to that. And it broke my heart that I couldn’t participate in all the love and bonding. So I pulled away. I guarded myself from them so that they couldn’t see my pain. I resented them for not being more supportive of what I was going through. I felt like I was being forced to “get over myself” and be normal but I couldn’t and that just seemed to make everything worse. I dreaded the phone ringing because I never had anything to say and the conversations were so awkward and edgy. I was broken and didn’t know how to fix myself.
I don’t know if it was a decision we made to distract ourselves from all the bad in our lives but Joe and I poured everything we had into getting healthy. Not because we thought it would help us conceive but because we wanted to be healthy. We were living our lives like we were waiting for something good to happen so we could start living our lives. Does that make any sense? Instead of going out and enjoying our lives and being happy with what we DID have, we kept waiting for this baby that just never came. But we were able to distract ourselves with diet and exercise and it really did help. We started to feel better about ourselves and were happy and energetic. The missing baby was never out of our minds and hearts completely but we were able to focus on other things at that point. We even started to make plans for fun things to do as a couple.
When I found out I was pregnant I was completely shocked. I hadn’t had a period in fifty-something days but, because of my crazy reproductive system, I wasn’t concerned. On Friday, November 20th I started spotting and thought I was starting my period. But then it stopped later that day, and the next day my boobs started getting sore. I thought it was very strange and started to wonder if there was any possibility that I might’ve been pregnant. But, keep in mind, over the previous six years I had been POSITIVE I must’ve been pregnant about a trillion times so I kind of blew it off. I also knew myself well enough to know if I didn’t take a pregnancy test and rule it out, I’d stress out about it and drive myself crazy. So that Monday, November 23rd, on the way to my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday dinner we stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test and a six pack of beer. I’m sure the clerk was thinking very highly of us in that moment. I was so positive that the test would be negative I even drank a beer at dinner. We got home and I took the test and it was positive immediately. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I told Joe it was positive and his first words were, “oh no”. Not because he wasn’t happy but because we’d been there twice before. Twice before we’d gotten our hopes up just to have them crushed a couple weeks later.
Even though we were very, very nervous we were still very excited. This may have been the third pregnancy but this was the first one that ever happened by ourselves, without trying. So we did what every person who has ever been through a miscarriage would advise against, we told everyone. And the next day I immediately called for a blood test. One good thing about infertility, you can get a blood draw and find out your hCG levels the same day. Even though I hadn’t seen my infertility doctor in months, I was still able to weasel my way in for a blood draw. My levels were huge, better than they’d ever been, but I could just not shake that nagging feeling that all good things always go away. That feeling actually stayed with me through the majority of my pregnancy. My entire first trimester I walked on eggshells analyzing every symptom, or lack of symptom, any little twinge or pain or bump. I was completely terrified. I was almost too afraid to talk about the future and to plan for an actual baby.
But this time it didn’t end badly. This time has turned into the most amazing time of my life. Having Evan in my life has completely changed me. And I think it has only changed me for the better. That black cloud that was permanently over my head and surrounding my heart is gone and it is just clear, bright, sunny skies now. Sure I’m tired and stressed out but all I have to do is look at Evan’s chubby little face or hear him coo or giggle and I forget all of that. It is hard to believe that from all that bad, came something so unbelievably perfect and wonderful. I always hoped that I would someday get to be a mommy but was really starting to lose hope that it would happen. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity now to give my love to such a sweet little boy.
I try to remember that day and my life before that day. My life, or more accurately, my state of mind was not good then. I was six years into my quest to have a baby and had 2 miscarriages, 6 failed IUI’s, one failed IVF and tens of thousands of dollars in infertility debt under my belt. I was lost. I had no idea where I would go next. We were out of options when it came to paying for more treatments and pretty much out of hope that anything would ever work for us. I was wallowing in my own misery and overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I couldn’t even look at a pregnant person without getting upset.
I knew back then that there was something deeply, deeply wrong with me. But I think I was so used to feeling depressed that I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way I was. I withdrew from the world. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have a family yet that I would dread running into people out in public because I knew (I KNEW) the inevitable question would be coming up right after the “hellos”. “Do you have any kids”, terrified me more than any other question in the world. Well, actually, the follow up, “why not” was always worse. I will never, never, never ask someone why they don’t have children. Never! Even though I knew it was coming I could never stammer out a clever answer. In the beginning it was easy, we’d just say we had dogs and they were our kids for now. But as the years of pain and disappointment continued, it was harder and harder to blame our dogs for my flawed reproductive system. But I got pretty good at lying, changing the subject, fighting back the tears, and swallowing the gigantic lump in my throat.
I withdrew from my family too. I felt like a stranger around them. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to my family. I saw the way my parents loved on my nieces and nephews and the way my sisters bonded over motherhood. I had nothing that could compare to that. And it broke my heart that I couldn’t participate in all the love and bonding. So I pulled away. I guarded myself from them so that they couldn’t see my pain. I resented them for not being more supportive of what I was going through. I felt like I was being forced to “get over myself” and be normal but I couldn’t and that just seemed to make everything worse. I dreaded the phone ringing because I never had anything to say and the conversations were so awkward and edgy. I was broken and didn’t know how to fix myself.
I don’t know if it was a decision we made to distract ourselves from all the bad in our lives but Joe and I poured everything we had into getting healthy. Not because we thought it would help us conceive but because we wanted to be healthy. We were living our lives like we were waiting for something good to happen so we could start living our lives. Does that make any sense? Instead of going out and enjoying our lives and being happy with what we DID have, we kept waiting for this baby that just never came. But we were able to distract ourselves with diet and exercise and it really did help. We started to feel better about ourselves and were happy and energetic. The missing baby was never out of our minds and hearts completely but we were able to focus on other things at that point. We even started to make plans for fun things to do as a couple.
When I found out I was pregnant I was completely shocked. I hadn’t had a period in fifty-something days but, because of my crazy reproductive system, I wasn’t concerned. On Friday, November 20th I started spotting and thought I was starting my period. But then it stopped later that day, and the next day my boobs started getting sore. I thought it was very strange and started to wonder if there was any possibility that I might’ve been pregnant. But, keep in mind, over the previous six years I had been POSITIVE I must’ve been pregnant about a trillion times so I kind of blew it off. I also knew myself well enough to know if I didn’t take a pregnancy test and rule it out, I’d stress out about it and drive myself crazy. So that Monday, November 23rd, on the way to my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday dinner we stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test and a six pack of beer. I’m sure the clerk was thinking very highly of us in that moment. I was so positive that the test would be negative I even drank a beer at dinner. We got home and I took the test and it was positive immediately. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I told Joe it was positive and his first words were, “oh no”. Not because he wasn’t happy but because we’d been there twice before. Twice before we’d gotten our hopes up just to have them crushed a couple weeks later.
Even though we were very, very nervous we were still very excited. This may have been the third pregnancy but this was the first one that ever happened by ourselves, without trying. So we did what every person who has ever been through a miscarriage would advise against, we told everyone. And the next day I immediately called for a blood test. One good thing about infertility, you can get a blood draw and find out your hCG levels the same day. Even though I hadn’t seen my infertility doctor in months, I was still able to weasel my way in for a blood draw. My levels were huge, better than they’d ever been, but I could just not shake that nagging feeling that all good things always go away. That feeling actually stayed with me through the majority of my pregnancy. My entire first trimester I walked on eggshells analyzing every symptom, or lack of symptom, any little twinge or pain or bump. I was completely terrified. I was almost too afraid to talk about the future and to plan for an actual baby.
But this time it didn’t end badly. This time has turned into the most amazing time of my life. Having Evan in my life has completely changed me. And I think it has only changed me for the better. That black cloud that was permanently over my head and surrounding my heart is gone and it is just clear, bright, sunny skies now. Sure I’m tired and stressed out but all I have to do is look at Evan’s chubby little face or hear him coo or giggle and I forget all of that. It is hard to believe that from all that bad, came something so unbelievably perfect and wonderful. I always hoped that I would someday get to be a mommy but was really starting to lose hope that it would happen. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity now to give my love to such a sweet little boy.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
42 Things That Change
I saw this article on babycenter.com this morning and almost cried reading it so I had to share. So many things have changed in my life since having Evan and this article does a great job of summarizing. Here is a copy and paste:
Forty Two Things that Change When you Have a Baby
by Rebecca Woolf
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
[Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008
Forty Two Things that Change When you Have a Baby
by Rebecca Woolf
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
[Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Guilt
What is it with the guilt? I always let it get the best of me. I feel guilty about 90% of the time and I cannot shake it. I thought it was “mom guilt” but, looking back I’ve always felt guilty about something.
When I couldn’t get pregnant I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband and my family the child that, as a woman, I should’ve been able to. I felt guilty in my deep depression that I couldn’t be happier for my friends and family when they got pregnant. I felt guilty for wanting to go back for treatments to try to get pregnant even though we were going deeper into debt with every attempt. I felt guilty for being jealous and being stubborn and self-centered.
Now that I have Evan who, by the way, is the most perfect child in the world (of course) the guilt is even bigger than it was back then. Now I have the guilt of sending him to daycare, the guilt when I want to go do something for myself instead of hanging out with him, the guilt when he’s crying and I can’t console him, the guilt for putting him in his bouncy seat for 15 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen instead of spending that time interacting with him. It’s just all guilt all the time.
And it doesn’t stop with Evan. I have guilt for not staying late at work or for taking three 15 minute breaks so I can pump. I have guilt for not paying more attention to my husband, for not exercising more often, for spending money on myself, for snapping at my dogs or not giving them more attention, for not being a good friend, for asking Joe to help me when I should be able to do it all.
I think that’s what it all boils down to. I have always wanted to be everything to everyone. A people pleaser, able to do whatever it takes to get the job done. It comes with the first child territory. But, you know, that is just completely impossible. It’s an unrealistic goal that no one is able to achieve. So putting myself down because I can’t make the impossible happen is ridiculous, I know that, but I can’t stop doing it. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much pride to ask for help.
I try to keep things in perspective and remind myself that at the end of the day I gave the most I could. Even if it means I ran out of work at exactly 4:00 or if I only emailed my friends instead of calling or if I let Evan play on his mat while I fixed myself some dinner. Life is busy and complicated and overwhelming sometimes but as long as me and Joe and Evan are happy and healthy, that’s really all that matters. I’m not saying I’ll easily kick the guilty feelings out of my life but I do need to try. I can’t continue to put myself down. I have to reward myself for the good things I am accomplishing.
When I couldn’t get pregnant I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband and my family the child that, as a woman, I should’ve been able to. I felt guilty in my deep depression that I couldn’t be happier for my friends and family when they got pregnant. I felt guilty for wanting to go back for treatments to try to get pregnant even though we were going deeper into debt with every attempt. I felt guilty for being jealous and being stubborn and self-centered.
Now that I have Evan who, by the way, is the most perfect child in the world (of course) the guilt is even bigger than it was back then. Now I have the guilt of sending him to daycare, the guilt when I want to go do something for myself instead of hanging out with him, the guilt when he’s crying and I can’t console him, the guilt for putting him in his bouncy seat for 15 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen instead of spending that time interacting with him. It’s just all guilt all the time.
And it doesn’t stop with Evan. I have guilt for not staying late at work or for taking three 15 minute breaks so I can pump. I have guilt for not paying more attention to my husband, for not exercising more often, for spending money on myself, for snapping at my dogs or not giving them more attention, for not being a good friend, for asking Joe to help me when I should be able to do it all.
I think that’s what it all boils down to. I have always wanted to be everything to everyone. A people pleaser, able to do whatever it takes to get the job done. It comes with the first child territory. But, you know, that is just completely impossible. It’s an unrealistic goal that no one is able to achieve. So putting myself down because I can’t make the impossible happen is ridiculous, I know that, but I can’t stop doing it. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much pride to ask for help.
I try to keep things in perspective and remind myself that at the end of the day I gave the most I could. Even if it means I ran out of work at exactly 4:00 or if I only emailed my friends instead of calling or if I let Evan play on his mat while I fixed myself some dinner. Life is busy and complicated and overwhelming sometimes but as long as me and Joe and Evan are happy and healthy, that’s really all that matters. I’m not saying I’ll easily kick the guilty feelings out of my life but I do need to try. I can’t continue to put myself down. I have to reward myself for the good things I am accomplishing.
Friday, October 22, 2010
This shiz is bananas
Okay, yeah, almost another month gone! I seriously cannot believe how quickly the days, weeks, and months pass now that I've got Evan in my life. He definitely keeps us busy but we're loving every minute.
Adjusting to my new life as a working mom has been exhausting. Evan is still getting up twice at night. He goes to bed around 7 and is up usually between 1-3am. He gets a diaper and a bottle and usually goes right back to sleep. Then I have to pump and wash up the pump parts, get a bottle set up for the 2nd wake-up of the night and then head back to bed. The whole routine usually takes about an hour. Then Evan gets up again sometime between 4-5am. That one is Joe's. My alarm goes off at 5am so I can feed the dogs, pump again, get in the shower and get ready for work. I leave the house by 6:45 to get to work so Joe is on his own getting Evan cleaned up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare. I work, pump, work, pump, work, pump all day then get to pick my sweet boy up from daycare. Seeing him at the end of the day is like Christmas morning. He is just the best.
When we get home it is a struggle to get in the door with the car seat, all my shit from work, all Evan's stuff from daycare... of course while in 4 inch heels. The dogs need to go out and get fed, Evan's ready to get out of his car seat, I'm ready to get out of my work clothes (and those heels), I'm hungry and thirsty and have to pee but all that has to wait. I usually get the dogs out and fed and then get Evan changed and get him a bottle. After that he'll usually hang out on our bed while I go to the bathroom and get changed. He also loves playing on his activity mat so he'll hang on that while I get a drink and get some dinner together. Around 6:30 he starts to fuss so it's bath, pj's, bottle, and off to bed. Joe and I have the routine down and I think Evan is really getting used to it. We do the bath together, I dry him off and lotion him up and get him in his pj's, Joe gives him his bottle and puts him in bed.
By that point we're both exhausted but the work is far from done. I pump, wash bottles, get the bottles ready for the next day, make my lunch for the next day, get my coffee pot set up, and pick out my work clothes. Depending on how tired I am I'll either check my email and facebook, watch a DVR show or just head straight to bed. I honestly don't know what I did with all my free time before Evan. I must've been really lazy and bored.
I know most of you who read this are moms so I'm sure none of this is news to you. You're probably all, been there done that. But, it's all new to us and we're getting adjusted to it. Evan really is a great baby though. As much as I want him to grow, I sometimes want to keep him this age forever. He's just so sweet right now. He's smiley and happy and interacting with us. His chubby little cheeks and legs are just so kissable. He is just so sweet and I love him so, so much.
Adjusting to my new life as a working mom has been exhausting. Evan is still getting up twice at night. He goes to bed around 7 and is up usually between 1-3am. He gets a diaper and a bottle and usually goes right back to sleep. Then I have to pump and wash up the pump parts, get a bottle set up for the 2nd wake-up of the night and then head back to bed. The whole routine usually takes about an hour. Then Evan gets up again sometime between 4-5am. That one is Joe's. My alarm goes off at 5am so I can feed the dogs, pump again, get in the shower and get ready for work. I leave the house by 6:45 to get to work so Joe is on his own getting Evan cleaned up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare. I work, pump, work, pump, work, pump all day then get to pick my sweet boy up from daycare. Seeing him at the end of the day is like Christmas morning. He is just the best.
When we get home it is a struggle to get in the door with the car seat, all my shit from work, all Evan's stuff from daycare... of course while in 4 inch heels. The dogs need to go out and get fed, Evan's ready to get out of his car seat, I'm ready to get out of my work clothes (and those heels), I'm hungry and thirsty and have to pee but all that has to wait. I usually get the dogs out and fed and then get Evan changed and get him a bottle. After that he'll usually hang out on our bed while I go to the bathroom and get changed. He also loves playing on his activity mat so he'll hang on that while I get a drink and get some dinner together. Around 6:30 he starts to fuss so it's bath, pj's, bottle, and off to bed. Joe and I have the routine down and I think Evan is really getting used to it. We do the bath together, I dry him off and lotion him up and get him in his pj's, Joe gives him his bottle and puts him in bed.
By that point we're both exhausted but the work is far from done. I pump, wash bottles, get the bottles ready for the next day, make my lunch for the next day, get my coffee pot set up, and pick out my work clothes. Depending on how tired I am I'll either check my email and facebook, watch a DVR show or just head straight to bed. I honestly don't know what I did with all my free time before Evan. I must've been really lazy and bored.
I know most of you who read this are moms so I'm sure none of this is news to you. You're probably all, been there done that. But, it's all new to us and we're getting adjusted to it. Evan really is a great baby though. As much as I want him to grow, I sometimes want to keep him this age forever. He's just so sweet right now. He's smiley and happy and interacting with us. His chubby little cheeks and legs are just so kissable. He is just so sweet and I love him so, so much.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dear Evan,
I love rocking you to sleep. My arms wrapped snugly around you, your head in the crook of my elbow, your chubby cheek rested on my upper arm. Our faces are so close. I just stare at you, memorizing every feature of your face. Your round little nose, pink pouty lips, the upside down crescent between your bottom lip and chin, your barely there eyebrows and eyelashes, your fuzzy hair and your perfect smooth skin. When we're rocking the whole world fades away. Its just you and me. You are the light of my life. I love you so much and I want to remember these moments forever.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A month
A month! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I wrote my last entry. I knew I said my posts were going to be fewer and farther between but I had no idea it would be a month. Life has been busy. When Evan finally goes down for a nap there are so many things to get done, blogging comes in almost dead last. My priorities go pumping, going to the bathroom, eating, brushing my teeth/showering, dishes, then me time. Needless to say, I don't make it to the me time very often.
So much has happened in the last month. Evan is growing so quickly. He's getting chubby and has been interacting with us so much more. He smiles all the time and coos and makes noises. He's starting to look at toys and smile at them too. He even rolled over from his belly to his back today! It was during tummy time and he was laying on a whale pillow, which probably gave him an unfair advantage, but he did make it all the way from belly to back. It was so exciting. I didn't have the camera ready but hopefully I'll catch it next time.
The past week has been so busy here. Joe has been working really long, crazy hours, Evan was diagnosed with Thrush and I broke out in hives all over my body. I had an allergic reaction to who knows what- possibly stress, possibly Evan's body wash. It has been a challenge. But Evan and I are both on medication now and seem to be doing better and hopefully Joe's work will slow down a little and things will get less stressful.
Less stressful, just in time for me to go back to work! UGH! My maternity leave is over in two weeks! TWO WEEKS! I can't believe so much time has already gone by. While I'm ready to get back into my work clothes and back into some adult conversations, I am sad I won't get to see Evan all day. I feel very comfortable with his daycare but still worry about leaving him. I'm also worried about our new routine and how we'll handle it. I'm especially worried about dinner time. We can't manage to make dinners now and I'm home all day. I have no idea how we'll find the time once I go back to work. It is especially challenging since we're trying to get back to our low-carb lifestyle. That diet really revolves around grilling and with Joe's long hours combined with the end of daylight savings time, grilling really isn't an option any more. So I'm on the hunt for easy crock pot or oven ready low-carb meals. Not easy!
I'm sure once we get into the swing of things we'll work out a routine that works for us. I guess I've learned that the best thing we can do is just roll with the punches. As we've seen over the last couple of years, we will get through whatever challenges we're faced with! And no matter what those challenges are, looking at Evan's sweet face seems to make it all better.
So much has happened in the last month. Evan is growing so quickly. He's getting chubby and has been interacting with us so much more. He smiles all the time and coos and makes noises. He's starting to look at toys and smile at them too. He even rolled over from his belly to his back today! It was during tummy time and he was laying on a whale pillow, which probably gave him an unfair advantage, but he did make it all the way from belly to back. It was so exciting. I didn't have the camera ready but hopefully I'll catch it next time.
The past week has been so busy here. Joe has been working really long, crazy hours, Evan was diagnosed with Thrush and I broke out in hives all over my body. I had an allergic reaction to who knows what- possibly stress, possibly Evan's body wash. It has been a challenge. But Evan and I are both on medication now and seem to be doing better and hopefully Joe's work will slow down a little and things will get less stressful.
Less stressful, just in time for me to go back to work! UGH! My maternity leave is over in two weeks! TWO WEEKS! I can't believe so much time has already gone by. While I'm ready to get back into my work clothes and back into some adult conversations, I am sad I won't get to see Evan all day. I feel very comfortable with his daycare but still worry about leaving him. I'm also worried about our new routine and how we'll handle it. I'm especially worried about dinner time. We can't manage to make dinners now and I'm home all day. I have no idea how we'll find the time once I go back to work. It is especially challenging since we're trying to get back to our low-carb lifestyle. That diet really revolves around grilling and with Joe's long hours combined with the end of daylight savings time, grilling really isn't an option any more. So I'm on the hunt for easy crock pot or oven ready low-carb meals. Not easy!
I'm sure once we get into the swing of things we'll work out a routine that works for us. I guess I've learned that the best thing we can do is just roll with the punches. As we've seen over the last couple of years, we will get through whatever challenges we're faced with! And no matter what those challenges are, looking at Evan's sweet face seems to make it all better.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Life with Evan
Yeah, I've been a little busy. This past week and a half has been ROUGH! Joe went back to work full time last Monday and on Wednesday I was diagnosed with mastitis. It was a rough week.
I had a clogged duct in my left breast that got progressively worse. By Wednesday afternoon I had a fever, body aches, and a huge lump on my gigantically swollen and very red breast. I went in to the doctor and got started on antibiotics. Once I got home I basically slept for 24 hours straight. Joe came home from work early and took care of Evan almost all by himself while I recuperated. I only got out of bed to pump and to take my medicine. It was awful. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. And to make it worse, the only way to clear the clog was to continue pumping and massaging my breast. AWFUL. The pain was intense. I FINALLY cleared the clog on Sunday. The lump kept pulling up until it looked like I had a second nipple and finally when I was pumping it just exploded. It was so freaking nasty. And the stuff that came out was even nastier. I'm still pumping and trying to get the hole to close up but I am a million times better than I was. Now hopefully I'll be able to get my supply up again and get Evan back to only breast milk.
Other than the adventures with my boobs, things have been going pretty well. Evan is doing great. He had his 4 week doctor appointment yesterday and is up to 9.6 pounds and 22" long! My little piglet. He's little wiener is healing up really nicely and he's sometimes starting to smile at us when talk to him. I'm still trying to figure out his cries and when he wants what but I think we're getting better. I took him out to Target by myself today and he started melting down. I ended up carrying him while pushing the stroller and managing to pick up everything on my list. I was very impressed with myself. It was honestly my first, "I'm really a mom", moment. I guess I just felt capable for once. Most of the time I feel like a bumbling idiot. I know it'll take time to build up my confidence but you know how hard I am on myself!
As you can tell the blogs will most likely be fewer and farther between. I don't have as much time to play on the internet that I used to. Imagine that! When he sleeps I try to pump or wash bottles or clothes or just veg out for a few. But, I'll try to jump on whenever I can.
I had a clogged duct in my left breast that got progressively worse. By Wednesday afternoon I had a fever, body aches, and a huge lump on my gigantically swollen and very red breast. I went in to the doctor and got started on antibiotics. Once I got home I basically slept for 24 hours straight. Joe came home from work early and took care of Evan almost all by himself while I recuperated. I only got out of bed to pump and to take my medicine. It was awful. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. And to make it worse, the only way to clear the clog was to continue pumping and massaging my breast. AWFUL. The pain was intense. I FINALLY cleared the clog on Sunday. The lump kept pulling up until it looked like I had a second nipple and finally when I was pumping it just exploded. It was so freaking nasty. And the stuff that came out was even nastier. I'm still pumping and trying to get the hole to close up but I am a million times better than I was. Now hopefully I'll be able to get my supply up again and get Evan back to only breast milk.
Other than the adventures with my boobs, things have been going pretty well. Evan is doing great. He had his 4 week doctor appointment yesterday and is up to 9.6 pounds and 22" long! My little piglet. He's little wiener is healing up really nicely and he's sometimes starting to smile at us when talk to him. I'm still trying to figure out his cries and when he wants what but I think we're getting better. I took him out to Target by myself today and he started melting down. I ended up carrying him while pushing the stroller and managing to pick up everything on my list. I was very impressed with myself. It was honestly my first, "I'm really a mom", moment. I guess I just felt capable for once. Most of the time I feel like a bumbling idiot. I know it'll take time to build up my confidence but you know how hard I am on myself!
As you can tell the blogs will most likely be fewer and farther between. I don't have as much time to play on the internet that I used to. Imagine that! When he sleeps I try to pump or wash bottles or clothes or just veg out for a few. But, I'll try to jump on whenever I can.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Eat.Sleep.Poop
Forget Eat Pray Love, around these parts lately it's all about Eat Sleep Poop. Life with baby Evan is exhausting. My mom tried to warn me that baby's parts normally don't wear in until about two weeks. Then their lungs are good and able to scream. Well, I think Evan's parts are warn in now.
It's actually not that bad. He really only screams if he's hungry or gassy. But, man, when he screams watch out! I think he's inherited the Skinner "don't fuck with me when I'm hungry" gene because when he gets hungry he gets pissed. He goes from sleeping like an angel to screaming bloody murder in 1.2 seconds. It's very intimidating.
Evan also had his first big male right of passage this week. He was circumcised on Friday. It was way more traumatic for Joe and me than it was for him. Handing him over to a nurse and having to wait in the waiting room for 25 minutes was torture. Then seeing his poor little wiener for the first time was even worse. The ultimate freak out came 24 hours later when we had to take the gauze off. There was blood and he was screaming, probably more from hunger than pain, I was holding his legs down while Joe was trying to figure out the bleeding and get Vaseline on him. Those cries made my stomach do somersaults and waiting two minutes for the doctor to call back to explain the bleeding was a nightmare. But, apparently all of that is perfectly normal. Ha. We didn't ask the doctor if it's normal for the parents to have half a heart attack after a circumcision. We survived though.
Our big challenge now is trying to get his sleeping pattern switched around to normal human sleep patterns. He likes to take long naps during the day which is great for me to nap and take showers and get stuff done but then he's wide awake from about 8-midnight. After we feed him and change him he just wants to be up hanging out while Joe and I want nothing more than to go to bed. At night he usually sleeps for a three to four hour stretch which isn't so bad. But now that I'm pumping instead of breast feeding there is a lot more work for me. After I heat up a bottle and change him and feed him and rock him to sleep and get him in his crib and make sure he's going to STAY asleep then I have to go pump and wash the pump parts and bottles. So his three hour stretch of sleep is more like 2 hours for me. I just don't know how to get him to stay awake during the day. Any advice?
I think we're going to head out to Target today and put some of our gift cards to good use. I want to get Evan an activity mat that we can do tummy time on during the day. He's been doing it on a blanket on the couch and he's doing really well holding his head up but I think he might enjoy a play mat a little more. While he's awake I'm trying to do little activities with him like tummy time or we'll read a book or we'll just hang out and talk. It's so fun just staring into his little eyes and having him stare back while I talk to him. I want to get out the Baby Bjorn and start wearing him around the house. It might help me get some more stuff accomplished while also keeping him close. I'm not sure if he's big enough for it yet. We'll have to try it out and see!
Anyway, that's all that's going on for now. We had newborn photos done at our house last Sunday and I'm DYING to see the proofs. The photographer did such an amazing job I can't wait to see how the actual pictures turned out. I will definitely share when they come in!
It's actually not that bad. He really only screams if he's hungry or gassy. But, man, when he screams watch out! I think he's inherited the Skinner "don't fuck with me when I'm hungry" gene because when he gets hungry he gets pissed. He goes from sleeping like an angel to screaming bloody murder in 1.2 seconds. It's very intimidating.
Evan also had his first big male right of passage this week. He was circumcised on Friday. It was way more traumatic for Joe and me than it was for him. Handing him over to a nurse and having to wait in the waiting room for 25 minutes was torture. Then seeing his poor little wiener for the first time was even worse. The ultimate freak out came 24 hours later when we had to take the gauze off. There was blood and he was screaming, probably more from hunger than pain, I was holding his legs down while Joe was trying to figure out the bleeding and get Vaseline on him. Those cries made my stomach do somersaults and waiting two minutes for the doctor to call back to explain the bleeding was a nightmare. But, apparently all of that is perfectly normal. Ha. We didn't ask the doctor if it's normal for the parents to have half a heart attack after a circumcision. We survived though.
Our big challenge now is trying to get his sleeping pattern switched around to normal human sleep patterns. He likes to take long naps during the day which is great for me to nap and take showers and get stuff done but then he's wide awake from about 8-midnight. After we feed him and change him he just wants to be up hanging out while Joe and I want nothing more than to go to bed. At night he usually sleeps for a three to four hour stretch which isn't so bad. But now that I'm pumping instead of breast feeding there is a lot more work for me. After I heat up a bottle and change him and feed him and rock him to sleep and get him in his crib and make sure he's going to STAY asleep then I have to go pump and wash the pump parts and bottles. So his three hour stretch of sleep is more like 2 hours for me. I just don't know how to get him to stay awake during the day. Any advice?
I think we're going to head out to Target today and put some of our gift cards to good use. I want to get Evan an activity mat that we can do tummy time on during the day. He's been doing it on a blanket on the couch and he's doing really well holding his head up but I think he might enjoy a play mat a little more. While he's awake I'm trying to do little activities with him like tummy time or we'll read a book or we'll just hang out and talk. It's so fun just staring into his little eyes and having him stare back while I talk to him. I want to get out the Baby Bjorn and start wearing him around the house. It might help me get some more stuff accomplished while also keeping him close. I'm not sure if he's big enough for it yet. We'll have to try it out and see!
Anyway, that's all that's going on for now. We had newborn photos done at our house last Sunday and I'm DYING to see the proofs. The photographer did such an amazing job I can't wait to see how the actual pictures turned out. I will definitely share when they come in!
Friday, August 13, 2010
My first week as a mom
Well, I guess technically my first 10 days as a mom. I've quickly discovered that time flies with a baby in the house. I've been thinking of this post for a couple of days wanting to recoup the things that I've learned in my first week as a mom because the learning curve has been intense.
1. That breast feeding can hurt as much as child birth. I am really committed to breast feeding Evan and had heard from everyone how hard it was and how much it hurt but I guess I was still surprised how bad it really was. My nipples are a wreck, Evan fights me when I try to latch him, and loves to comfort suck... for hours. I've been leaning on the lactation consultant the hospital provides free of charge and she has been great. When she saw the state of my nipples she gave me a nipple shield which helped with the pain but made it harder for Evan to get the milk. At my second appointment we realized that even after hours of feeding him the day before, Evan hadn't gained any weight, and that's a problem. She also, after seeing how terrible my right nipple looks, wanted me to stop nursing on that side all together and only to pump it for now. So now I'm feeding Evan on the left boob then giving him a bottle with the milk I can pump from the right. It's exhausting and very frustrating.
2. The art of the speed shower... and how after being covered in dried breast milk, sweat, and overall stankiness that three minute shower can feel like a trip to the day spa. Some hot water, a little Dove beauty bar and some deodorant can make all the difference in the world.
3. How to eat left handed with a baby hooked to my boob. I was so desperate for a meal the other day I had to learn this trick. Little did I know that having a baby would make me ambidextrous.
4. That the world of celebrity gossip does not stop turning because I don't check in on it five times a day. I've barely been able to get on the computer let alone spend time browsing the internet. I haven't died yet from not constantly being tuned into the pulse of the celeb gossip world.
5. Dog hair tumbleweeds down my hallway won't kill me. Even if I wanted to clean, I wouldn't have time. Joe vacuumed quickly yesterday but before that it was like a dog fur rug down our hallway. I've managed a couple of emergency loads of laundry, mostly because Evan pooped on both of his changing table pads, and I've managed to get some dishes loaded into the dishwasher but that's about it. Oh well. Let's just hope Evan isn't allergic to dust or dog hair.
Things are hectic but going well. Evan is doing great. Joe and I are learning how to care for him everyday. We're going to be getting some newborn photos taken on Sunday and will hopefully be sending out birth announcements soon. Life at home with baby has been challenging but amazing. He's gorgeous and makes me smile every time I look at him and I can't wait to see what he's going to do everyday.
1. That breast feeding can hurt as much as child birth. I am really committed to breast feeding Evan and had heard from everyone how hard it was and how much it hurt but I guess I was still surprised how bad it really was. My nipples are a wreck, Evan fights me when I try to latch him, and loves to comfort suck... for hours. I've been leaning on the lactation consultant the hospital provides free of charge and she has been great. When she saw the state of my nipples she gave me a nipple shield which helped with the pain but made it harder for Evan to get the milk. At my second appointment we realized that even after hours of feeding him the day before, Evan hadn't gained any weight, and that's a problem. She also, after seeing how terrible my right nipple looks, wanted me to stop nursing on that side all together and only to pump it for now. So now I'm feeding Evan on the left boob then giving him a bottle with the milk I can pump from the right. It's exhausting and very frustrating.
2. The art of the speed shower... and how after being covered in dried breast milk, sweat, and overall stankiness that three minute shower can feel like a trip to the day spa. Some hot water, a little Dove beauty bar and some deodorant can make all the difference in the world.
3. How to eat left handed with a baby hooked to my boob. I was so desperate for a meal the other day I had to learn this trick. Little did I know that having a baby would make me ambidextrous.
4. That the world of celebrity gossip does not stop turning because I don't check in on it five times a day. I've barely been able to get on the computer let alone spend time browsing the internet. I haven't died yet from not constantly being tuned into the pulse of the celeb gossip world.
5. Dog hair tumbleweeds down my hallway won't kill me. Even if I wanted to clean, I wouldn't have time. Joe vacuumed quickly yesterday but before that it was like a dog fur rug down our hallway. I've managed a couple of emergency loads of laundry, mostly because Evan pooped on both of his changing table pads, and I've managed to get some dishes loaded into the dishwasher but that's about it. Oh well. Let's just hope Evan isn't allergic to dust or dog hair.
Things are hectic but going well. Evan is doing great. Joe and I are learning how to care for him everyday. We're going to be getting some newborn photos taken on Sunday and will hopefully be sending out birth announcements soon. Life at home with baby has been challenging but amazing. He's gorgeous and makes me smile every time I look at him and I can't wait to see what he's going to do everyday.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Evan's Arrival
Our little boy is finally here! Joe and I are so overjoyed with this new little man in our lives. We're tired but doing well. Evan has a great appetite is doing really well with breast feeding. We are really loving and enjoying every new face or sound or movement that he makes.
Evan's journey into the world was a long and frustrating one but was worth every second.
Being a momma tired of being pregnant and having a baby showing no signs of budging I agreed to an induction. The whole time I was pregnant I preached that the baby would come when he was ready. I had no idea how stressful that last week of waiting would be and how uncomfortable I would be. So, after talking to my doctor about my chances for delivering vaginally with an induction, I decided to go for it.
Joe and I got up bright and early Monday morning, August 2nd with hopes of meeting our baby by the end of the day. We got checked in to our room and got comfortable. The nurse checked me when we got there and I was still at 3cm dilated. She started me on Pitocin at 7am and we settled in to wait. The first few hours were pretty boring. I was having contractions but they weren't regular or painful. Even though I was hooked to the fetal monitors and had an IV in I was still able to move around the room and go to the bathroom. As the contractions got a little stronger I was able to use the birthing ball to ease the pain. Joe was great and was there to massage my back and just stand and rock with me to help me get through some of the more painful contractions.
As the day continued and the contractions got a little stronger I thought that I had to be making some good progress. I got checked around dinner time and was still at 3cm dilated. Talk about being devastated! My cervix had thinned out a lot more and the baby's head was much lower but no dilation. I decided shortly after that to get some Nubain to take the edge off the contractions. I got the shot and laid down to take a nap. As I was laying on my side in the bed I felt and heard a "pop" and then a huge gush between my legs. It was the strangest thing. I popped up in bed and said, "my water just broke". I wasn't quite sure what to do. I didn't know if I should move or stay still or what so I just laid there in a half stupor. The nurse came in and helped me get situated and told me the contractions would start picking up. Holy hell did they ever!
Within minutes of my water breaking the contractions started to get intense. The nurse told me the anesthesiologist was next door doing an epidural if I wanted to go ahead and get one. I initially refused but within five minutes I had changed my mind. I got these really intense shakes that would not stop and the contractions were so painful. The nurse checked me and I was at 4cm. A little progress to celebrate. As soon as the anesthesiologist was done next door he came over to do my epidural. I was so afraid that I wasn't going to be able to stop shaking long enough for him to get it in. The nurse sent everyone out of the room and I was somehow able to sit still during the procedure.
The epidural was very strange. It was so weird to not be able to feel my legs. I was a little uneasy with it. But, the worst part was that it was too strong and caused my blood pressure to drop really low. I have low blood pressure anyway but I was dipping to like 80/60. I got really nauseous and started throwing up too. The nurse had to call the anesthesiologist back in the room to adjust the epidural. He turned it down which helped regulate my blood pressure and stop the nausea and vomiting but the side effect to that was that I was able to feel more. I was okay with it though. It actually made me feel a little more comfortable to have SOME feeling in my legs and to be able to move them. I was feeling the contractions at the top of my stomach up near my right ribs but it wasn't too intense.
Joe and I settled in to wait some more and I tried to nap again. The nurse came in and checked me around 9:30 and I was STILL at 4cm. I was so frustrated and disappointed and just KNEW I was going to end up with a c-section. The nurse told me that my cervix was still making progress getting thinner and the baby was getting lower but that still wasn't enough to make me feel better. But we tried to relax and stay positive and both settled in to sleep.
Around midnight I woke up with a lot of pressure down there. It felt like I had to pee really badly but I had a catheter in at that point and knew that couldn't be it. I was also feeling the contractions more and was getting pretty uncomfortable. I tried to blow it off and go back to sleep but the pressure got more and more intense. I called the nurse and told her what was going on and she came in to check me. By the time she got in my room I was having to really concentrate and breathe through the contractions. She checked me and I was at 5cm and completely effaced. I asked her if they could turn the epidural back up. She had to call the anesthesiologist in from home which I felt bad about for maybe 2.3 seconds because those contractions were so bad that I didn't care if she had to call him in from his own funeral, I just wanted some relief.
While we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back the contractions got really, really hard to get through. I was concentrating and breathing through each one. The nurse saw how much pain I was in and checked me again and I was already at 8cm! This was like 15 minutes after telling me I was at 5cm. She told Joe to go ahead and call my mom back in and started moving the room around and getting it ready for delivery! I was in shock. To have not made any progress all day and then to be progressing so quickly was crazy. I couldn't believe that I was going to be having a baby soon.
The anesthesiologist came back and turned my epidural back up which made a huge difference in how I felt. By the time he gave me the first bolus of medication I was able to joke with him about "turning it up to 11". He really enjoyed the Spinal Tap reference. He and the nurse monitored me for a few minutes and my blood pressure seemed stable so they left me to rest. About a half an hour later I started to feel nauseous again and was worried about my blood pressure. I called the nurse and told her what was going on. She checked my blood pressure and said it was fine but said that as you get closer to delivery you can sometimes get nauseous. By this time the doctor had made it in and came in to check me. I was completely shocked when she said I was fully dilated and the baby's head was at plus 3 station, meaning he was right there.
The nurse started to get me ready to push and I was worried because my mom hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. But, we weren't waiting. We got set up and the nurse explained the pushing process and on the contraction we were going to start. My mom showed up just in time to start the pushing.
The pushing was out of control! Seriously, oh my God. That shit hurt so freaking bad. Actually, the pushing didn't hurt. I actually felt a lot of relief from the pushing but the in between pushing was horrible. Having to wait for the next contraction was so hard. There was so much pain and pressure that I really just wanted to die. I said several times that I couldn't/didn't want to do it anymore, questioned my desire for a vaginal delivery, and begged for a c-section. All to no avail. The nurse who was there with me was great and really calm but kept trying to make conversation during the wait times. I kept thinking, I wish she would just shut the fuck up. And any time my mom talked I would shush her. And I wouldn't let Joe touch me at all. I got really, really hot and started ripping my hospital gown off so the nurse got a little fan for Joe to point at me and it was like the best breeze I'd ever felt in my life.
I pushed for about an hour total and was just so determined to get the baby out that I was willing to just keep pushing even when I wasn't having a contraction. It just felt better to push. The nurse said I was getting really close and called the doctor in for the last little bit so I knew the end had to be getting near. I was basically laying flat on my back so I couldn't see anything but I could tell in Joe's voice that we were getting close to the end. He was counting and telling me how good I was doing. Then I could feel the baby's head coming out. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like my vagina was ripping open. But once it was out I felt so much better already. I had to hold while the doctor suctioned the baby's mouth and then I pushed one more time and felt his whole body come out. It was a very strange feeling. The doctor did a little more suctioning and then plopped him up on my belly.
I can't even describe the feeling of seeing my baby for the first time. It was a little shock and disbelief that I was holding something that was just inside of me. It was also just so amazing to see his face and to see him moving and breathing and looking around. They left him on my belly for a couple of minutes, let Joe cut the cord and then took him over to get checked out. I delivered the placenta and the doctor had to stitch up a little tear that I'd gotten. After they got Evan cleaned up they brought him back to me and let me hold him on my skin. We tried to breast feed right away but he wasn't quite ready to latch yet. So I just held him and Joe and I just stared at him. It was amazing.
I honestly still cannot believe that I had a baby. I'm still really sore but coping pretty well. I don't know that I'd like to go through this again any time soon. I think I have a little post traumatic stress. LOL But I am so in love with Evan. He just makes me smile every time I look at him. His official stats were 8 pounds 3 ounces 20 inches long born at 3:07am on 8/3/10.
Evan's journey into the world was a long and frustrating one but was worth every second.
Being a momma tired of being pregnant and having a baby showing no signs of budging I agreed to an induction. The whole time I was pregnant I preached that the baby would come when he was ready. I had no idea how stressful that last week of waiting would be and how uncomfortable I would be. So, after talking to my doctor about my chances for delivering vaginally with an induction, I decided to go for it.
Joe and I got up bright and early Monday morning, August 2nd with hopes of meeting our baby by the end of the day. We got checked in to our room and got comfortable. The nurse checked me when we got there and I was still at 3cm dilated. She started me on Pitocin at 7am and we settled in to wait. The first few hours were pretty boring. I was having contractions but they weren't regular or painful. Even though I was hooked to the fetal monitors and had an IV in I was still able to move around the room and go to the bathroom. As the contractions got a little stronger I was able to use the birthing ball to ease the pain. Joe was great and was there to massage my back and just stand and rock with me to help me get through some of the more painful contractions.
As the day continued and the contractions got a little stronger I thought that I had to be making some good progress. I got checked around dinner time and was still at 3cm dilated. Talk about being devastated! My cervix had thinned out a lot more and the baby's head was much lower but no dilation. I decided shortly after that to get some Nubain to take the edge off the contractions. I got the shot and laid down to take a nap. As I was laying on my side in the bed I felt and heard a "pop" and then a huge gush between my legs. It was the strangest thing. I popped up in bed and said, "my water just broke". I wasn't quite sure what to do. I didn't know if I should move or stay still or what so I just laid there in a half stupor. The nurse came in and helped me get situated and told me the contractions would start picking up. Holy hell did they ever!
Within minutes of my water breaking the contractions started to get intense. The nurse told me the anesthesiologist was next door doing an epidural if I wanted to go ahead and get one. I initially refused but within five minutes I had changed my mind. I got these really intense shakes that would not stop and the contractions were so painful. The nurse checked me and I was at 4cm. A little progress to celebrate. As soon as the anesthesiologist was done next door he came over to do my epidural. I was so afraid that I wasn't going to be able to stop shaking long enough for him to get it in. The nurse sent everyone out of the room and I was somehow able to sit still during the procedure.
The epidural was very strange. It was so weird to not be able to feel my legs. I was a little uneasy with it. But, the worst part was that it was too strong and caused my blood pressure to drop really low. I have low blood pressure anyway but I was dipping to like 80/60. I got really nauseous and started throwing up too. The nurse had to call the anesthesiologist back in the room to adjust the epidural. He turned it down which helped regulate my blood pressure and stop the nausea and vomiting but the side effect to that was that I was able to feel more. I was okay with it though. It actually made me feel a little more comfortable to have SOME feeling in my legs and to be able to move them. I was feeling the contractions at the top of my stomach up near my right ribs but it wasn't too intense.
Joe and I settled in to wait some more and I tried to nap again. The nurse came in and checked me around 9:30 and I was STILL at 4cm. I was so frustrated and disappointed and just KNEW I was going to end up with a c-section. The nurse told me that my cervix was still making progress getting thinner and the baby was getting lower but that still wasn't enough to make me feel better. But we tried to relax and stay positive and both settled in to sleep.
Around midnight I woke up with a lot of pressure down there. It felt like I had to pee really badly but I had a catheter in at that point and knew that couldn't be it. I was also feeling the contractions more and was getting pretty uncomfortable. I tried to blow it off and go back to sleep but the pressure got more and more intense. I called the nurse and told her what was going on and she came in to check me. By the time she got in my room I was having to really concentrate and breathe through the contractions. She checked me and I was at 5cm and completely effaced. I asked her if they could turn the epidural back up. She had to call the anesthesiologist in from home which I felt bad about for maybe 2.3 seconds because those contractions were so bad that I didn't care if she had to call him in from his own funeral, I just wanted some relief.
While we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back the contractions got really, really hard to get through. I was concentrating and breathing through each one. The nurse saw how much pain I was in and checked me again and I was already at 8cm! This was like 15 minutes after telling me I was at 5cm. She told Joe to go ahead and call my mom back in and started moving the room around and getting it ready for delivery! I was in shock. To have not made any progress all day and then to be progressing so quickly was crazy. I couldn't believe that I was going to be having a baby soon.
The anesthesiologist came back and turned my epidural back up which made a huge difference in how I felt. By the time he gave me the first bolus of medication I was able to joke with him about "turning it up to 11". He really enjoyed the Spinal Tap reference. He and the nurse monitored me for a few minutes and my blood pressure seemed stable so they left me to rest. About a half an hour later I started to feel nauseous again and was worried about my blood pressure. I called the nurse and told her what was going on. She checked my blood pressure and said it was fine but said that as you get closer to delivery you can sometimes get nauseous. By this time the doctor had made it in and came in to check me. I was completely shocked when she said I was fully dilated and the baby's head was at plus 3 station, meaning he was right there.
The nurse started to get me ready to push and I was worried because my mom hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. But, we weren't waiting. We got set up and the nurse explained the pushing process and on the contraction we were going to start. My mom showed up just in time to start the pushing.
The pushing was out of control! Seriously, oh my God. That shit hurt so freaking bad. Actually, the pushing didn't hurt. I actually felt a lot of relief from the pushing but the in between pushing was horrible. Having to wait for the next contraction was so hard. There was so much pain and pressure that I really just wanted to die. I said several times that I couldn't/didn't want to do it anymore, questioned my desire for a vaginal delivery, and begged for a c-section. All to no avail. The nurse who was there with me was great and really calm but kept trying to make conversation during the wait times. I kept thinking, I wish she would just shut the fuck up. And any time my mom talked I would shush her. And I wouldn't let Joe touch me at all. I got really, really hot and started ripping my hospital gown off so the nurse got a little fan for Joe to point at me and it was like the best breeze I'd ever felt in my life.
I pushed for about an hour total and was just so determined to get the baby out that I was willing to just keep pushing even when I wasn't having a contraction. It just felt better to push. The nurse said I was getting really close and called the doctor in for the last little bit so I knew the end had to be getting near. I was basically laying flat on my back so I couldn't see anything but I could tell in Joe's voice that we were getting close to the end. He was counting and telling me how good I was doing. Then I could feel the baby's head coming out. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like my vagina was ripping open. But once it was out I felt so much better already. I had to hold while the doctor suctioned the baby's mouth and then I pushed one more time and felt his whole body come out. It was a very strange feeling. The doctor did a little more suctioning and then plopped him up on my belly.
I can't even describe the feeling of seeing my baby for the first time. It was a little shock and disbelief that I was holding something that was just inside of me. It was also just so amazing to see his face and to see him moving and breathing and looking around. They left him on my belly for a couple of minutes, let Joe cut the cord and then took him over to get checked out. I delivered the placenta and the doctor had to stitch up a little tear that I'd gotten. After they got Evan cleaned up they brought him back to me and let me hold him on my skin. We tried to breast feed right away but he wasn't quite ready to latch yet. So I just held him and Joe and I just stared at him. It was amazing.
I honestly still cannot believe that I had a baby. I'm still really sore but coping pretty well. I don't know that I'd like to go through this again any time soon. I think I have a little post traumatic stress. LOL But I am so in love with Evan. He just makes me smile every time I look at him. His official stats were 8 pounds 3 ounces 20 inches long born at 3:07am on 8/3/10.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
40 weeks in pictures
I took my 40 week belly picture tonight before Joe and I headed out for our last pre-baby dinner. When I uploaded the picture I browsed through all the other pictures I've taken over the last 40 weeks. It is really crazy to see how much I've changed. I can't believe how skinny I was way back in November when I found out I was pregnant. I had hit my goal weight and was exercising like crazy. It is interesting to see the changes in each of the pictures. I can definitely tell the weeks that I felt better and the weeks that I felt like crap. I think its funny that the bigger I got the happier and better I looked. Maybe because I actually started looking pregnant and not just fat. Or maybe that my getting bigger coincided with summer and pool season. Either way, here is a look back at the last 40 weeks of my life.
6 weeks:
8 weeks:
10 weeks:
12 weeks:
14 weeks:
16 weeks:
18 weeks:
20 weeks:
22 weeks:
24 weeks:
26 weeks:
28 weeks:
33 weeks:
36 weeks:
37 weeks:
39 weeks:
40 weeks:
And P.S.- It looks like the chick in my ticker does nothing when I hit 40 weeks! Bummer!
6 weeks:
8 weeks:
10 weeks:
12 weeks:
14 weeks:
16 weeks:
18 weeks:
20 weeks:
22 weeks:
24 weeks:
26 weeks:
28 weeks:
33 weeks:
36 weeks:
37 weeks:
39 weeks:
40 weeks:
And P.S.- It looks like the chick in my ticker does nothing when I hit 40 weeks! Bummer!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
The end is near
Y'all know that I am ready for my baby to be here. After my near nervous breakdown yesterday when the doctor rescheduled my appointment to today, I REALLY knew it was time. I had a heaving, snotty, big sloppy teared breakdown yesterday when the nurse called to reschedule my appointment. Being off work and not having anything else to do but wait on baby's arrival has me anxious for ANY kind of excitement in my day. Even if that excitement is only from a weekly doctor appointment. I kind of scared myself with how disappointed I was. I mean, really. Kind of pathetic.
So I finally got my appointment this afternoon and have made a little progress since last week. I'm dilated between 2-3cm, my cervix is soft and the baby's head is all the way down. She said everything is ready to go, I just need some regular contractions. She did stretch me again and stripped my membranes today (OUCH!!!) so hopefully that will get things moving. But, as I sit here on my exercise ball, I'm having no cramps or contractions AT ALL so who knows. She said to walk and have sex and hopefully that will help get the contractions going.
But, y'all, I totally wimped out on the waiting for baby to be ready on his own. I did what I said I'd never do. I scheduled an induction date. Yup, if Evan doesn't come on his own I will be induced Monday morning. I was a little worried about the decision but after talking to the doctor and expressing my concerns about starting an induction before my body was ready she eased my fears and told me that essentially my body IS ready, I just need contractions. She said everything is favorable for a successful induction. So, I went for it. I feel better knowing there is an end in sight and that I will meet my baby boy early next week. Scary but exciting all at the same time.
Hopefully it won't come to that and I'll go into labor on my own sometime between now and Monday. I'm really anxious and excited about all the changes that are about to happen in our lives. I know this little baby is going to turn our lives upside down but I absofreakinglutely cannot wait!!
So I finally got my appointment this afternoon and have made a little progress since last week. I'm dilated between 2-3cm, my cervix is soft and the baby's head is all the way down. She said everything is ready to go, I just need some regular contractions. She did stretch me again and stripped my membranes today (OUCH!!!) so hopefully that will get things moving. But, as I sit here on my exercise ball, I'm having no cramps or contractions AT ALL so who knows. She said to walk and have sex and hopefully that will help get the contractions going.
But, y'all, I totally wimped out on the waiting for baby to be ready on his own. I did what I said I'd never do. I scheduled an induction date. Yup, if Evan doesn't come on his own I will be induced Monday morning. I was a little worried about the decision but after talking to the doctor and expressing my concerns about starting an induction before my body was ready she eased my fears and told me that essentially my body IS ready, I just need contractions. She said everything is favorable for a successful induction. So, I went for it. I feel better knowing there is an end in sight and that I will meet my baby boy early next week. Scary but exciting all at the same time.
Hopefully it won't come to that and I'll go into labor on my own sometime between now and Monday. I'm really anxious and excited about all the changes that are about to happen in our lives. I know this little baby is going to turn our lives upside down but I absofreakinglutely cannot wait!!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Blah, blah, blah
I'm tired and cranky and still pregnant blah, blah, blah. There really isn't much more I can say at this point. I guess me and Evan are in this for the long haul. The only real big change right now is that I am no longer working. And that stresses me out to no end. Of course, what doesn't stress me out?
After my doctor appointment last week and my subsequent bloody show, I thought for sure I'd be in labor soon. I thought I would go into labor on Friday night. Don't ask me why I thought I knew more than Mother Nature. So I said my goodbyes to all my co-workers on Thursday, turned in my badge and my keys and started my maternity leave. I spent Friday cooking and cleaning and doing some last minute shopping. I got all the laundry and every last little chore that I could think of done. Now, here it is, Sunday afternoon and no action yet. Not even a little bit. And I'm staring down the barrel of a new "work" week. A work week that I most likely could have handled. I'm sure I'd be miserable but at least I'd be making money and not using up precious vacation time.
Joe is thrilled that I'll be staying home. He's glad that I'll be able to "rest" and "relax" before the baby comes. You'd think after almost 9 years together he'd know me better than that. I'm already stressing the fact that I'm not in labor yet. I'm sure with every passing day it's only going to get worse. I'm still not ready to discuss induction yet. The doctor hasn't even brought it up at this point. I'm a firm believer that the baby will come when he is ready. I just wish he was ready right now.
So anyway, I guess I'll just be hanging around the house this week over analyzing every little cramp and twinge and secretion. It's kind of like going through fertility treatments again. Hopefully my next blog entry will be a birth story but, at the rate I'm going, it may still be a while. I do have another week's belly picture to share though. Here I am at 39 weeks:
After my doctor appointment last week and my subsequent bloody show, I thought for sure I'd be in labor soon. I thought I would go into labor on Friday night. Don't ask me why I thought I knew more than Mother Nature. So I said my goodbyes to all my co-workers on Thursday, turned in my badge and my keys and started my maternity leave. I spent Friday cooking and cleaning and doing some last minute shopping. I got all the laundry and every last little chore that I could think of done. Now, here it is, Sunday afternoon and no action yet. Not even a little bit. And I'm staring down the barrel of a new "work" week. A work week that I most likely could have handled. I'm sure I'd be miserable but at least I'd be making money and not using up precious vacation time.
Joe is thrilled that I'll be staying home. He's glad that I'll be able to "rest" and "relax" before the baby comes. You'd think after almost 9 years together he'd know me better than that. I'm already stressing the fact that I'm not in labor yet. I'm sure with every passing day it's only going to get worse. I'm still not ready to discuss induction yet. The doctor hasn't even brought it up at this point. I'm a firm believer that the baby will come when he is ready. I just wish he was ready right now.
So anyway, I guess I'll just be hanging around the house this week over analyzing every little cramp and twinge and secretion. It's kind of like going through fertility treatments again. Hopefully my next blog entry will be a birth story but, at the rate I'm going, it may still be a while. I do have another week's belly picture to share though. Here I am at 39 weeks:
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Down to business
For some reason I feel like I need to give a disclaimer that this blog post could be a little tmi. If you've been reading the blog for a while you should be used to the going's on in my uterus/vagina/ovaries but, just in case, some parts of this blog could be considered tmi.
I had another doctor appointment today and am happy to report that I am making progress! I'm up to 2 centimeters dilated now, my cervix is "very soft" and the baby's head has moved down a little more than last week. So, definite progress. I am actually really surprised. As of yesterday I was convinced that baby Evan would be staying inside indefinitely.
I was telling the doctor that I am definitely ready to have the baby so while she was checking my cervix she tried to "stretch" it a little for me to help get me going. As if having her whole hand up there wasn't painful enough already. That shizz HURT!! Wow. I almost asked her for an epidural right then and there. There was some blood on her glove when she pulled her hand out and she described that as "bloody show". I've heard your bloody show comes when you're about to go into labor so I'm not convinced that's what it really was. I think her trying to pry open my cervix with her hand may have had more to do with the blood than the onset of labor. I did bleed for a little while after the appointment but am not bleeding any more. I am having lots of cramping though. Not really painful, just uncomfortable.
I asked the doctor about all the old wives tales about getting labor started and she said the only one that's true is having sex. Yay. Apparently there is some kind of hormone or protein in semen that helps the cervix soften and dilate. She said they actually use a synthetic version of that protein in induction medications. I guess no amount of spicy food can replicate that. So, yeah, while I'm not thrilled about it, I will do what I have to do and hopefully will be meeting my baby boy very soon!
I had another doctor appointment today and am happy to report that I am making progress! I'm up to 2 centimeters dilated now, my cervix is "very soft" and the baby's head has moved down a little more than last week. So, definite progress. I am actually really surprised. As of yesterday I was convinced that baby Evan would be staying inside indefinitely.
I was telling the doctor that I am definitely ready to have the baby so while she was checking my cervix she tried to "stretch" it a little for me to help get me going. As if having her whole hand up there wasn't painful enough already. That shizz HURT!! Wow. I almost asked her for an epidural right then and there. There was some blood on her glove when she pulled her hand out and she described that as "bloody show". I've heard your bloody show comes when you're about to go into labor so I'm not convinced that's what it really was. I think her trying to pry open my cervix with her hand may have had more to do with the blood than the onset of labor. I did bleed for a little while after the appointment but am not bleeding any more. I am having lots of cramping though. Not really painful, just uncomfortable.
I asked the doctor about all the old wives tales about getting labor started and she said the only one that's true is having sex. Yay. Apparently there is some kind of hormone or protein in semen that helps the cervix soften and dilate. She said they actually use a synthetic version of that protein in induction medications. I guess no amount of spicy food can replicate that. So, yeah, while I'm not thrilled about it, I will do what I have to do and hopefully will be meeting my baby boy very soon!
Monday, July 19, 2010
Maybe, Maybe Not
"Yes I'm still pregnant, Yes I'm still here, Yes I'm uncomfortable, Yes I'm ready for baby". I need a sign or a button or a t-shirt that says that. Maybe that would head off EVERY SINGLE PERSON I run into throughout my day who has to ask the same questions. I know people mean well and they are just being nice but COME ON! Some questions have obvious answers. Just say good morning and move on.
So you may be able to tell that work kind of sucks right now. I'm just over it. I'm over people and their dumb-assness. I guess like a diminished immune system can lead to illness, my diminished tolerance of dumb asses has led to a major attitude problem. Because, you know, at work I have to keep my comments to myself. And that usually leads to major eye rolls when I'm in private and an overall irritability with everyone I come in contact with.
Joe wants me to stop working after Friday. I really, really would like to continue working as long as I can. Well, it's not that I would LIKE to continue working but I would like to continue making an income and save my time for after baby's arrival. I just can't imagine having to walk back into that office next week. I don't know that I can handle it. So the perfect scenario would be to go into labor now so I don't have to go back.
I've been trying to get things going by trying just about every old wives tale there is. I've been walking on the treadmill, bouncing/rocking on the exercise ball, eating spicy food, doing lunges... so far nothing. I was one centimeter dilated at my appointment last Wednesday and am hoping there is a little more progress this Wednesday. Last week the baby's head was still high and I feel like it still is. Even though I'm having more aches and pains in my hips and pelvis than I am in my ribs, I'm not feeling a ton of pressure down there yet.
So, that's where we stand right now. I fully intend to wait for baby E to tell me when he's ready but I'm not sure if I'll be waiting at work or at home on the couch!
So you may be able to tell that work kind of sucks right now. I'm just over it. I'm over people and their dumb-assness. I guess like a diminished immune system can lead to illness, my diminished tolerance of dumb asses has led to a major attitude problem. Because, you know, at work I have to keep my comments to myself. And that usually leads to major eye rolls when I'm in private and an overall irritability with everyone I come in contact with.
Joe wants me to stop working after Friday. I really, really would like to continue working as long as I can. Well, it's not that I would LIKE to continue working but I would like to continue making an income and save my time for after baby's arrival. I just can't imagine having to walk back into that office next week. I don't know that I can handle it. So the perfect scenario would be to go into labor now so I don't have to go back.
I've been trying to get things going by trying just about every old wives tale there is. I've been walking on the treadmill, bouncing/rocking on the exercise ball, eating spicy food, doing lunges... so far nothing. I was one centimeter dilated at my appointment last Wednesday and am hoping there is a little more progress this Wednesday. Last week the baby's head was still high and I feel like it still is. Even though I'm having more aches and pains in my hips and pelvis than I am in my ribs, I'm not feeling a ton of pressure down there yet.
So, that's where we stand right now. I fully intend to wait for baby E to tell me when he's ready but I'm not sure if I'll be waiting at work or at home on the couch!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Butterball
Okay, so he's not a beluga whale. We had our ultrasound today and baby Evan is measuring in at a healthy 7 pounds 5 ounces. Whew!! So if he grows at the estimated 1/2 pound per week rate he should be around the eight and a half pound range when he's born. Let's just hope I don't go late! They said I have quite a bit of amniotic fluid around the baby so that is probably the reason I'm measuring ahead.
The ultrasound was great! We got some really amazing pictures of the baby. We think he looks like Joe. I think he actually looks a lot like my niece Riley but she looked a lot like Joe when she was born. He's got the sweetest little lips I've ever seen! The ultrasound tech also said that he has hair! She couldn't get any pictures of it but she showed us during the ultrasound. I thought for sure we'd be having a bald baby but looks like he'll be hairy! He's head down too so hopefully he'll stay in that position.
Anyway, here is your first look at my sweet baby boy!!!
The ultrasound was great! We got some really amazing pictures of the baby. We think he looks like Joe. I think he actually looks a lot like my niece Riley but she looked a lot like Joe when she was born. He's got the sweetest little lips I've ever seen! The ultrasound tech also said that he has hair! She couldn't get any pictures of it but she showed us during the ultrasound. I thought for sure we'd be having a bald baby but looks like he'll be hairy! He's head down too so hopefully he'll stay in that position.
Anyway, here is your first look at my sweet baby boy!!!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Side by Side Comparison
Ha!! Here's a good one for you! I decided to start taking belly pictures weekly since I seem to be growing by leaps and bounds. Plus, knowing that I could go into labor at any time now, I thought it would be good to document all the final weeks.
So last night Joe and I went out to dinner with a friend. Since I don't get dressed up that often any more I decided to go ahead and do a 37 week belly picture on our way out. After I uploaded the pictures this morning I noticed my outfit looked really familiar. Looking back I realized I'd worn the exact same outfit in my 22 week belly picture. But the difference in belly size is just too hilarious not to share.
I looked back at the blog I posted at 22 weeks and laughed when I read that I thought I hadn't grown much but my "bump" was definitely there. LOL... Yeah. Seeing the difference now I realize I had no idea what a "bump" was back then.
So, just for fun...
So last night Joe and I went out to dinner with a friend. Since I don't get dressed up that often any more I decided to go ahead and do a 37 week belly picture on our way out. After I uploaded the pictures this morning I noticed my outfit looked really familiar. Looking back I realized I'd worn the exact same outfit in my 22 week belly picture. But the difference in belly size is just too hilarious not to share.
I looked back at the blog I posted at 22 weeks and laughed when I read that I thought I hadn't grown much but my "bump" was definitely there. LOL... Yeah. Seeing the difference now I realize I had no idea what a "bump" was back then.
So, just for fun...
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A different perspective
I have to thank my cousin Kristen for inspiring me to take another look at these last three weeks of pregnancy. Up until now I've only been thinking of the miserable part of pregnancy. But, her comment in my last blog really made me stop and think about how lucky I am right now. She said, "Enjoy the last few moments when it is just you and your little man. After he is out, it's who's got him, where is he, is he safe? Now is the time when you know he is safe, where he is, isn't going without."
I never even thought about it that way until reading her comment but it is so true. Here I am complaining about all the ways being pregnant is making me uncomfortable when I should be relishing these last few moments where it is just me and him. Once he's an outside baby, we'll never have these little private moments anymore. It'll no longer be just me who can feel him squirming around or kicking or having the hiccups. It'll no longer be just me who is 100% taking care of him and protecting him and keeping him warm and happy. No, I'll have to share him with the rest of the world. Not that I wouldn't mind somebody else carrying him around for a while right now but to have him all to myself is kind of nice.
I keep saying that I'm just ready for him to be here, that I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore and I think that really comes from being anxious just to finally meet this little human I've been growing for 9 months. I want to see what he'll look like, how big he'll be, what his little personality will be like. I'm just so ready to hold him in my arms and kiss his little fingers and talk to him face to face. I can't wait to look into his eyes and have him look back into mine and to know that me and Joe MADE him. We MADE a HUMAN! It's just so crazy. All these years that I've wanted this more than anything else in the world and now we're a mere 3 weeks from realizing that dream. It truly is a moment I never thought I'd see.
So, thank you Kristen for helping me realize that I need to take time to enjoy these last few moments I have alone with my son.
"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, for babies grow up, I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep." - Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
I never even thought about it that way until reading her comment but it is so true. Here I am complaining about all the ways being pregnant is making me uncomfortable when I should be relishing these last few moments where it is just me and him. Once he's an outside baby, we'll never have these little private moments anymore. It'll no longer be just me who can feel him squirming around or kicking or having the hiccups. It'll no longer be just me who is 100% taking care of him and protecting him and keeping him warm and happy. No, I'll have to share him with the rest of the world. Not that I wouldn't mind somebody else carrying him around for a while right now but to have him all to myself is kind of nice.
I keep saying that I'm just ready for him to be here, that I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore and I think that really comes from being anxious just to finally meet this little human I've been growing for 9 months. I want to see what he'll look like, how big he'll be, what his little personality will be like. I'm just so ready to hold him in my arms and kiss his little fingers and talk to him face to face. I can't wait to look into his eyes and have him look back into mine and to know that me and Joe MADE him. We MADE a HUMAN! It's just so crazy. All these years that I've wanted this more than anything else in the world and now we're a mere 3 weeks from realizing that dream. It truly is a moment I never thought I'd see.
So, thank you Kristen for helping me realize that I need to take time to enjoy these last few moments I have alone with my son.
"The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow, for babies grow up, I've learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep. I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep." - Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Baby Beluga
So I had another doctor appointment today and have grown another 2 cm!!! What the hell?!! So now, at 36 weeks 4 days I am measuring 39 weeks!!! Seriously, WHAT THE HELL?! I haven't gained any weight in the last week so that's all baby.
Of course now I'm terrified that I'm carrying a baby whale in my uterus. I have serious concerns that my sweet baby boy is going to be a ten pound behemoth and will kill me when I try to push him out. OR I won't be able to push him out and they'll have to cut me open like a suspected human-eating shark and rip him out.
I think what worries me most isn't the fact that I'm measuring two and a half weeks ahead but that when I asked the doctor what that meant she didn't give me the standard, "it's fine". Instead she said she wanted to wait until I had my growth ultrasound on Monday so she could see what was going on with the baby. Um, huh? What do you mean, "what's going on with the baby"? Do you mean you want to see if I'm already carrying a toddler in there? And if I am carrying an exceptionally large fetus, does that mean that you're going to try to induce me early? When she saw what could only have been a look of pure horror on my face she did try to reassure me by saying that the baby could be in a position that is causing me to measure large.
So I guess you could say my appointment didn't quite go as planned. I honestly expected her to measure me and have stayed the same from last week. But, everything else about the appointment actually went pretty well. My blood pressure is still great and the baby's heartbeat is still great. I'm not really having any issues other than being uncomfortable. I'm not sleeping well and my back is killing me it's hard to get comfortable and I spend the majority of my days in the bathroom. But I know all that stuff is pretty much par for the course at this point. I start internal exams next Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to the exams but I am looking forward to seeing if I'm making any progress down there. I'm pretty sure nothing is happening but I'd love to be pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, breast feeding class tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.
Of course now I'm terrified that I'm carrying a baby whale in my uterus. I have serious concerns that my sweet baby boy is going to be a ten pound behemoth and will kill me when I try to push him out. OR I won't be able to push him out and they'll have to cut me open like a suspected human-eating shark and rip him out.
I think what worries me most isn't the fact that I'm measuring two and a half weeks ahead but that when I asked the doctor what that meant she didn't give me the standard, "it's fine". Instead she said she wanted to wait until I had my growth ultrasound on Monday so she could see what was going on with the baby. Um, huh? What do you mean, "what's going on with the baby"? Do you mean you want to see if I'm already carrying a toddler in there? And if I am carrying an exceptionally large fetus, does that mean that you're going to try to induce me early? When she saw what could only have been a look of pure horror on my face she did try to reassure me by saying that the baby could be in a position that is causing me to measure large.
So I guess you could say my appointment didn't quite go as planned. I honestly expected her to measure me and have stayed the same from last week. But, everything else about the appointment actually went pretty well. My blood pressure is still great and the baby's heartbeat is still great. I'm not really having any issues other than being uncomfortable. I'm not sleeping well and my back is killing me it's hard to get comfortable and I spend the majority of my days in the bathroom. But I know all that stuff is pretty much par for the course at this point. I start internal exams next Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to the exams but I am looking forward to seeing if I'm making any progress down there. I'm pretty sure nothing is happening but I'd love to be pleasantly surprised.
Anyway, breast feeding class tomorrow. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, July 5, 2010
36 weeks and counting
Let me give you a quick disclaimer for my 36 week belly picture. I look like hell. I even tried to photo edit this picture to make myself look better but even photo shop couldn't help. That's pretty bad. I think what makes it so bad is my horrible attitude. I was not feeling up to much the day we took this picture. I was tired and grumpy and felt like there were a million things around the house that needed to be done. And the last thing I wanted to do was get in a bikini and prance around a public pool. But I did and I'm really glad I did because I had a really good time.
We went over to Disney on Saturday to hang out with my mom and sisters and the kids. They had gotten a room at one of the resorts so we took advantage of a free resort pool for the day. We had a really fun time hanging out with everyone and lounging around. I felt a little uncomfortable wearing a bikini with my big belly hanging out. I felt like people were staring and judging. But, I refuse to pay $30 for a maternity bathing suit that I will only wear one time. And all my tankinis just don't fit the belly anymore. And, honestly, there was a flabby old lady at the pool in an American flag bikini that I looked way better than anyway. Later on we headed out to Downtown Disney and had a fun dinner at Rain Forest Cafe. It was a really nice day.
I discovered, however, that I can no longer tolerate a car ride longer than 35 minutes or so. The ride home was ridiculously uncomfortable. Even a reclined and heated seat could not help me. I've been getting more Braxton Hicks lately and between those and having to pee every 13.6 seconds and those goddamn restless legs, I am seriously miserable in the car. By the time we got close to the house I was cursing the low speed limits and those who decided to follow it. Joe and I vowed no more long car trips until I have the baby.
The rest of the weekend has been very low-key. We did some running around yesterday for groceries and miscellaneous stuff and got the house cleaned up. Today we didn't leave the house at all. We stayed in and finished up some chores and my niece and sister-in-law came over for lunch. The weather here this weekend was so crappy that being outside just wasn't going to happen. It was very cloudy and overcast and very, very humid with rain off and on. Joe and I did an impromptu photo shoot with some bare belly pictures. I knew I definitely did not want to do professional maternity pictures because I think a lot of times they're really cheesy but I did want some bare belly pictures. So we laid out a black sheet and did some belly close ups that I converted to black and white. I don't know if I'm ready to share them yet though. I have to look at them some more and figure out if I think they're too cheesy.
This week should hopefully go pretty quickly. The 4 day work week should help but I've got a doctor's appointment on Wednesday afternoon (I'm going every week now!) and Joe and I have our breast feeding class on Thursday night. Friday night I'm going for a hair cut and color to hopefully get me through my maternity leave. And then we're right back into another weekend. We need to get our hospital tour done so we're going to try to do that next Sunday afternoon. We are going to be busy! The following Monday I finally get to go for my growth ultrasound. I was supposed to go this week but the doctor is out of town. I'm anxious to see how big they estimate Evan to be. I've heard those ultrasounds can be inaccurate but just to have an estimate would be great. As long as they don't estimate 10 pounds or something crazy like that! I'll keep you all posted on anything exciting that happens... if it happens.
And here is the 36 week belly picture from hell...
We went over to Disney on Saturday to hang out with my mom and sisters and the kids. They had gotten a room at one of the resorts so we took advantage of a free resort pool for the day. We had a really fun time hanging out with everyone and lounging around. I felt a little uncomfortable wearing a bikini with my big belly hanging out. I felt like people were staring and judging. But, I refuse to pay $30 for a maternity bathing suit that I will only wear one time. And all my tankinis just don't fit the belly anymore. And, honestly, there was a flabby old lady at the pool in an American flag bikini that I looked way better than anyway. Later on we headed out to Downtown Disney and had a fun dinner at Rain Forest Cafe. It was a really nice day.
I discovered, however, that I can no longer tolerate a car ride longer than 35 minutes or so. The ride home was ridiculously uncomfortable. Even a reclined and heated seat could not help me. I've been getting more Braxton Hicks lately and between those and having to pee every 13.6 seconds and those goddamn restless legs, I am seriously miserable in the car. By the time we got close to the house I was cursing the low speed limits and those who decided to follow it. Joe and I vowed no more long car trips until I have the baby.
The rest of the weekend has been very low-key. We did some running around yesterday for groceries and miscellaneous stuff and got the house cleaned up. Today we didn't leave the house at all. We stayed in and finished up some chores and my niece and sister-in-law came over for lunch. The weather here this weekend was so crappy that being outside just wasn't going to happen. It was very cloudy and overcast and very, very humid with rain off and on. Joe and I did an impromptu photo shoot with some bare belly pictures. I knew I definitely did not want to do professional maternity pictures because I think a lot of times they're really cheesy but I did want some bare belly pictures. So we laid out a black sheet and did some belly close ups that I converted to black and white. I don't know if I'm ready to share them yet though. I have to look at them some more and figure out if I think they're too cheesy.
This week should hopefully go pretty quickly. The 4 day work week should help but I've got a doctor's appointment on Wednesday afternoon (I'm going every week now!) and Joe and I have our breast feeding class on Thursday night. Friday night I'm going for a hair cut and color to hopefully get me through my maternity leave. And then we're right back into another weekend. We need to get our hospital tour done so we're going to try to do that next Sunday afternoon. We are going to be busy! The following Monday I finally get to go for my growth ultrasound. I was supposed to go this week but the doctor is out of town. I'm anxious to see how big they estimate Evan to be. I've heard those ultrasounds can be inaccurate but just to have an estimate would be great. As long as they don't estimate 10 pounds or something crazy like that! I'll keep you all posted on anything exciting that happens... if it happens.
And here is the 36 week belly picture from hell...
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
"I look like Babar"
You guys know the line, don't you? It's from the movie Private Parts. Howard's wife is very pregnant and feeling very unsexy and compares her pregnant body to the cartoon elephant Babar. Of course he tells her she doesn't look like Babar....
That's my life right now. I feel like Babar. I feel humongous. I feel like I've grown more in the last two weeks than I have the entire nine months. I got actual verification of this fact today at the doctor. Last time I was there I was almost 35 weeks and my uterus was measuring 35 cm. Today I am almost 36 weeks and am measuring 37 cm. So in two weeks I've grown 2 cm. I know a centimeter doesn't seem like a lot but it sure does look and feel like a big growth! It is really getting tough to carry this belly around. I am really tired and uncomfortable. But I keep telling myself to calm the F down because I've got 2-6 weeks to go and it is only going to get worse.
I am scheduled for an ultrasound on July 12 and will hopefully get an estimate of how big the baby is right now. I have been hoping throughout my pregnancy for a nice 7-ish pound baby but as I see my belly grow and am feeling more stretched and "full" I'm starting to realize that I may end up with closer to an 8 pounder. Jeebus help me if he's bigger than 8 pounds. Eek! That's so scary to me.
It probably doesn't help my body image issues right now that people, in general, have no filter on the things they say to pregnant people. I went to Marshall's this afternoon to look for a nightgown to pack in my hospital bag. The lady behind the register looked at me then looked at the nightgown and asked me if I was on my way to the hospital. Uhhhh... yes, I decided to stop in Marshall's and check out the bargains on my way to give birth. Seriously?! I also had several other random strangers tell me today that it looks like I could give birth any minute. It is almost embarrassing to tell them that I'm 4 WEEKS from my due date and see the look of sympathy and horror on their faces.
I'm ready though. If baby came today I'd be happy. Obviously I want him to stay in as long as it takes and be healthy and fully developed when he finally makes his debut but I think I'd much prefer to be holding him in my arms instead of having his feet permanently lodged in my ribs. You guys should see how I have to drive. I am at my peak of discomfort when driving. It sucks because I have to have my seat positioned so that I can reach the steering wheel and pedals and see out all the mirrors but it also must be the most uncomfortable for baby because he kills me when I'm driving. I have to drive with my right arm lifted up over my head and draped down the back of the seat. It gives just enough stretch to give me a little relief from his rib jabbing. I'm almost afraid he's going to be born with a permanent dent in his little foot because I keep pushing down on my belly where he's kicking me.
I guess that's enough whining for now. I am going to try to toughen up. I have to. Because I know that as miserable as I am right now, when the baby comes my life is going to get a trillion times harder. I know that having my sweet baby boy is also going to make it a trillion times better too but I'm sure the discomfort I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to what I'll be going through soon.
That's my life right now. I feel like Babar. I feel humongous. I feel like I've grown more in the last two weeks than I have the entire nine months. I got actual verification of this fact today at the doctor. Last time I was there I was almost 35 weeks and my uterus was measuring 35 cm. Today I am almost 36 weeks and am measuring 37 cm. So in two weeks I've grown 2 cm. I know a centimeter doesn't seem like a lot but it sure does look and feel like a big growth! It is really getting tough to carry this belly around. I am really tired and uncomfortable. But I keep telling myself to calm the F down because I've got 2-6 weeks to go and it is only going to get worse.
I am scheduled for an ultrasound on July 12 and will hopefully get an estimate of how big the baby is right now. I have been hoping throughout my pregnancy for a nice 7-ish pound baby but as I see my belly grow and am feeling more stretched and "full" I'm starting to realize that I may end up with closer to an 8 pounder. Jeebus help me if he's bigger than 8 pounds. Eek! That's so scary to me.
It probably doesn't help my body image issues right now that people, in general, have no filter on the things they say to pregnant people. I went to Marshall's this afternoon to look for a nightgown to pack in my hospital bag. The lady behind the register looked at me then looked at the nightgown and asked me if I was on my way to the hospital. Uhhhh... yes, I decided to stop in Marshall's and check out the bargains on my way to give birth. Seriously?! I also had several other random strangers tell me today that it looks like I could give birth any minute. It is almost embarrassing to tell them that I'm 4 WEEKS from my due date and see the look of sympathy and horror on their faces.
I'm ready though. If baby came today I'd be happy. Obviously I want him to stay in as long as it takes and be healthy and fully developed when he finally makes his debut but I think I'd much prefer to be holding him in my arms instead of having his feet permanently lodged in my ribs. You guys should see how I have to drive. I am at my peak of discomfort when driving. It sucks because I have to have my seat positioned so that I can reach the steering wheel and pedals and see out all the mirrors but it also must be the most uncomfortable for baby because he kills me when I'm driving. I have to drive with my right arm lifted up over my head and draped down the back of the seat. It gives just enough stretch to give me a little relief from his rib jabbing. I'm almost afraid he's going to be born with a permanent dent in his little foot because I keep pushing down on my belly where he's kicking me.
I guess that's enough whining for now. I am going to try to toughen up. I have to. Because I know that as miserable as I am right now, when the baby comes my life is going to get a trillion times harder. I know that having my sweet baby boy is also going to make it a trillion times better too but I'm sure the discomfort I'm feeling right now is nothing compared to what I'll be going through soon.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Ready or not
5 more weeks. On one hand, it will be great to not be pregnant anymore. I am getting pretty uncomfortable. My back has been killing me, my ribs are sore from the daily river dancing on them, I pee constantly, can barely roll over in bed anymore, and I’ve begun grunting anytime I stand up, sit down, or have to bend over. Riding in the car for longer than a half hour is a pretty miserable experience between the back pain, the rib kicking and the restless leg syndrome that has popped up recently. I’m just overall tired and grumpy. I am sure that I have not been fun to live with.
On the other, I am not prepared for baby. The room is ready, the clothes are washed and put away, the car seat bases are installed but as far as how to care for the baby? Not ready. I know the basics about holding and diapering and giving a bottle. But, the routine of things has me a little freaked. I know there won’t be a schedule at first but when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night do I change him then feed him, get him back to bed and then pump? I haven’t done my breast feeding class yet and I hope that will help educate me about that process but I’ve heard breastfeeding can be an uphill battle. I want to try to make it work for us, I just have no idea how it is going to go. But, even with all those concerns, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Look at all the idiots out there who have children. If they can do it, I’m sure we can. We’ll figure it out. It’ll just take time and making mistakes to learn what works best for us.
I am getting excited to meet Evan. As I was going through the clothes putting them away I started to picture him wearing the different outfits. I still can’t picture his face. Is it weird that I can’t yet? I’ve had some dreams about having a baby but the baby starring in the dreams is always someone else’s baby. The other night it was some random co-worker’s grandson. His red-headed grandson. LOL But mostly he’s just this faceless blob that I can’t quite picture. He’s like a hypothetical baby, not a real one. I know I’m so weird.
I was thinking the other day about future family vacations and all the places I want to take Evan someday. I thought about us in New York City going to a Yankee game and to see the Statue of Liberty and to just introduce him to the sheer size of Manhattan. And I can’t wait to take him to the Grand Canyon. Seeing it in person took my breath away and I can’t wait for him to have that experience. And the Keys to see the beauty of a Key West sunset. Or even just to the zoo to watch his first glimpse of a giraffe or an elephant. I really can’t wait to see him discover the world.
I want so badly for him to be a good person, a gentleman who knows his manners and when and where to use them. I also want him to be a man’s man who knows how to fix things and kill spiders and throw a proper punch when needed. Creative and self-motivated, not afraid to speak his mind or to stand up for what he believes in. I want him to take chances and make mistakes but to reflect on those mistakes and learn from them. I want him to love his momma and not be embarrassed to give me a hug and a kiss even when he’s bigger than me. I want him to be able to talk to me and tell me what he’s feeling or if he’s having a problem. I want him to be responsible and to take pride in himself and the work that he does.
So along with learning how to bathe him and when to change him and how to read and respond to his cries I also need to learn how to culminate a good, contributing member of society. Tall task. I hope to not place too much pressure on him and to lead by example and just hope that every lesson we try to teach along the way will be stored in his little “vault” so he can look back later and say, “I get it now”.
I know we’ll never be fully prepared to bring home a baby, there are just too many unknowns. But as long as we show him all the love we’ve been saving up for him over the last six years, I’m sure he’ll be just fine.
On the other, I am not prepared for baby. The room is ready, the clothes are washed and put away, the car seat bases are installed but as far as how to care for the baby? Not ready. I know the basics about holding and diapering and giving a bottle. But, the routine of things has me a little freaked. I know there won’t be a schedule at first but when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night do I change him then feed him, get him back to bed and then pump? I haven’t done my breast feeding class yet and I hope that will help educate me about that process but I’ve heard breastfeeding can be an uphill battle. I want to try to make it work for us, I just have no idea how it is going to go. But, even with all those concerns, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Look at all the idiots out there who have children. If they can do it, I’m sure we can. We’ll figure it out. It’ll just take time and making mistakes to learn what works best for us.
I am getting excited to meet Evan. As I was going through the clothes putting them away I started to picture him wearing the different outfits. I still can’t picture his face. Is it weird that I can’t yet? I’ve had some dreams about having a baby but the baby starring in the dreams is always someone else’s baby. The other night it was some random co-worker’s grandson. His red-headed grandson. LOL But mostly he’s just this faceless blob that I can’t quite picture. He’s like a hypothetical baby, not a real one. I know I’m so weird.
I was thinking the other day about future family vacations and all the places I want to take Evan someday. I thought about us in New York City going to a Yankee game and to see the Statue of Liberty and to just introduce him to the sheer size of Manhattan. And I can’t wait to take him to the Grand Canyon. Seeing it in person took my breath away and I can’t wait for him to have that experience. And the Keys to see the beauty of a Key West sunset. Or even just to the zoo to watch his first glimpse of a giraffe or an elephant. I really can’t wait to see him discover the world.
I want so badly for him to be a good person, a gentleman who knows his manners and when and where to use them. I also want him to be a man’s man who knows how to fix things and kill spiders and throw a proper punch when needed. Creative and self-motivated, not afraid to speak his mind or to stand up for what he believes in. I want him to take chances and make mistakes but to reflect on those mistakes and learn from them. I want him to love his momma and not be embarrassed to give me a hug and a kiss even when he’s bigger than me. I want him to be able to talk to me and tell me what he’s feeling or if he’s having a problem. I want him to be responsible and to take pride in himself and the work that he does.
So along with learning how to bathe him and when to change him and how to read and respond to his cries I also need to learn how to culminate a good, contributing member of society. Tall task. I hope to not place too much pressure on him and to lead by example and just hope that every lesson we try to teach along the way will be stored in his little “vault” so he can look back later and say, “I get it now”.
I know we’ll never be fully prepared to bring home a baby, there are just too many unknowns. But as long as we show him all the love we’ve been saving up for him over the last six years, I’m sure he’ll be just fine.
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