What a difference

It is incredible how much things can change in one year. But more than that, it is incredible how one event can change your life. One year ago today my life changed forever. One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.

I try to remember that day and my life before that day. My life, or more accurately, my state of mind was not good then. I was six years into my quest to have a baby and had 2 miscarriages, 6 failed IUI’s, one failed IVF and tens of thousands of dollars in infertility debt under my belt. I was lost. I had no idea where I would go next. We were out of options when it came to paying for more treatments and pretty much out of hope that anything would ever work for us. I was wallowing in my own misery and overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I couldn’t even look at a pregnant person without getting upset.

I knew back then that there was something deeply, deeply wrong with me. But I think I was so used to feeling depressed that I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way I was. I withdrew from the world. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have a family yet that I would dread running into people out in public because I knew (I KNEW) the inevitable question would be coming up right after the “hellos”. “Do you have any kids”, terrified me more than any other question in the world. Well, actually, the follow up, “why not” was always worse. I will never, never, never ask someone why they don’t have children. Never! Even though I knew it was coming I could never stammer out a clever answer. In the beginning it was easy, we’d just say we had dogs and they were our kids for now. But as the years of pain and disappointment continued, it was harder and harder to blame our dogs for my flawed reproductive system. But I got pretty good at lying, changing the subject, fighting back the tears, and swallowing the gigantic lump in my throat.

I withdrew from my family too. I felt like a stranger around them. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to my family. I saw the way my parents loved on my nieces and nephews and the way my sisters bonded over motherhood. I had nothing that could compare to that. And it broke my heart that I couldn’t participate in all the love and bonding. So I pulled away. I guarded myself from them so that they couldn’t see my pain. I resented them for not being more supportive of what I was going through. I felt like I was being forced to “get over myself” and be normal but I couldn’t and that just seemed to make everything worse. I dreaded the phone ringing because I never had anything to say and the conversations were so awkward and edgy. I was broken and didn’t know how to fix myself.

I don’t know if it was a decision we made to distract ourselves from all the bad in our lives but Joe and I poured everything we had into getting healthy. Not because we thought it would help us conceive but because we wanted to be healthy. We were living our lives like we were waiting for something good to happen so we could start living our lives. Does that make any sense? Instead of going out and enjoying our lives and being happy with what we DID have, we kept waiting for this baby that just never came. But we were able to distract ourselves with diet and exercise and it really did help. We started to feel better about ourselves and were happy and energetic. The missing baby was never out of our minds and hearts completely but we were able to focus on other things at that point. We even started to make plans for fun things to do as a couple.

When I found out I was pregnant I was completely shocked. I hadn’t had a period in fifty-something days but, because of my crazy reproductive system, I wasn’t concerned. On Friday, November 20th I started spotting and thought I was starting my period. But then it stopped later that day, and the next day my boobs started getting sore. I thought it was very strange and started to wonder if there was any possibility that I might’ve been pregnant. But, keep in mind, over the previous six years I had been POSITIVE I must’ve been pregnant about a trillion times so I kind of blew it off. I also knew myself well enough to know if I didn’t take a pregnancy test and rule it out, I’d stress out about it and drive myself crazy. So that Monday, November 23rd, on the way to my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday dinner we stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test and a six pack of beer. I’m sure the clerk was thinking very highly of us in that moment. I was so positive that the test would be negative I even drank a beer at dinner. We got home and I took the test and it was positive immediately. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I told Joe it was positive and his first words were, “oh no”. Not because he wasn’t happy but because we’d been there twice before. Twice before we’d gotten our hopes up just to have them crushed a couple weeks later.

Even though we were very, very nervous we were still very excited. This may have been the third pregnancy but this was the first one that ever happened by ourselves, without trying. So we did what every person who has ever been through a miscarriage would advise against, we told everyone. And the next day I immediately called for a blood test. One good thing about infertility, you can get a blood draw and find out your hCG levels the same day. Even though I hadn’t seen my infertility doctor in months, I was still able to weasel my way in for a blood draw. My levels were huge, better than they’d ever been, but I could just not shake that nagging feeling that all good things always go away. That feeling actually stayed with me through the majority of my pregnancy. My entire first trimester I walked on eggshells analyzing every symptom, or lack of symptom, any little twinge or pain or bump. I was completely terrified. I was almost too afraid to talk about the future and to plan for an actual baby.

But this time it didn’t end badly. This time has turned into the most amazing time of my life. Having Evan in my life has completely changed me. And I think it has only changed me for the better. That black cloud that was permanently over my head and surrounding my heart is gone and it is just clear, bright, sunny skies now. Sure I’m tired and stressed out but all I have to do is look at Evan’s chubby little face or hear him coo or giggle and I forget all of that. It is hard to believe that from all that bad, came something so unbelievably perfect and wonderful. I always hoped that I would someday get to be a mommy but was really starting to lose hope that it would happen. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity now to give my love to such a sweet little boy.