The process

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted a family. My ten year high school reunion is this year and I just recently opened the time capsule I created upon my high school graduation. One of the questions in the book really stuck out to me. It asked where I thought I would be in ten years. My answer was, "married with a house full of kids". I've always known that being a parent was a path I wanted to take. I didn't know when I read that question recently that I was already pregnant.

As a couple, Joe and I have always talked about having a family. When we got married, we knew we didn't want to wait to start having kids. I stopped taking birth control the day of our wedding and hoped for a "honeymoon baby". I remember leaving our wedding reception and Lindsey and Megan came up to us and said, "we want babies". I told them that it wouldn't be long. I had no idea! Never in my life did I think having children would be so difficult. Look at my family tree! I'm surrounded by cousins and aunts and extended family. Who knew that anyone in our family could have problems.

Some of you know the story of our path to pregnancy and some of you don't. It was really painful and looking back now I can't believe what we've been through. I want to share our story though because maybe someone can gain hope from it. I tell everyone that I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy. It is truly an emotionally and physically painful thing to go through. Throughout the process everyone has been so great towards us. I know that it was hard for a lot of you because you didn't know what to say or didn't know how to help. Just a word of advice to everyone... if you know someone who is going through this, the best thing you can say is, "I'm sorry and I'm here if you want to talk". Offering solutions like, "relax and it'll happen", or "just drink some wine and have sex like rabbits", or "stand on your head", or even boasting about your own ability to, "get pregnant when your husband looks at you", don't help and often times make people like me feel worse.

So, from the beginning... As I said earlier, Joe and I started not trying to protect ourselves anymore on our wedding day. We figured it wouldn't be long before I was pregnant. That was October of 2003. In May of 2004 I hadn't had my period for 60 days and kept getting negative pregnancy tests, I was also having sharp pains in my lower left abdomen. I went to the doctor and found out that I had a solid cyst on my left ovary. I had laparoscopic surgery in June 2004 to remove a grapefruit sized cyst. Once I healed from that, I thought we'd cleared the obstacle to getting pregnant. Well, months went by and still nothing. My insurance didn't cover any infertility treatments, not even diagnosis, so we decided to try a "natural healing" approach. I started seeing an acupuncturist and started taking Chinese herbs. The process was ok and it was relaxing at times but it didn't do anything to help me get pregnant. I kept up the process until October of 2005.

At this point, we really weren't sure which direction to go. We were very frustrated that we weren't successful yet but weren't really ready to admit there was a problem. We finally broke down and decided to see an infertility specialist in December of 2005. Our doctor and nurses were wonderful. They were very optimistic that we would get pregnant it was just finding the right method. They ran some blood tests and did a test called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). During the HSG, the doctor threads a catheter into your cervix and injects dye. Then he watches on an x-ray to see if there are any blockages in your uterus or fallopian tubes. I watched on the screen as the dye filled my uterus and my right tube but got all jammed up in the left tube.... blockage. It turns out that when I had the surgery in 2004 to remove that big cyst, that some of the cyst contents spilled into my abdominal cavity and created scar tissue in my left tube rendering it almost useless. I was so frustrated and angry at the doctor who performed the surgery. My doctor and nurses stayed positive though and still knew that they'd get me pregnant.

The doctor decided that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome. This causes my ovaries to produce lots of little follicles, but never a good egg that would eventually ovulate. I wasn't ovulating. So, we started out with medication (Clomid) that would help my ovaries produce good eggs. I would have to go to the doctor when my period started and get an ultrasound to make sure I didn't have any cysts, then 3 days after my period started I would start taking the Clomid. I took that for 4 days. Then, 3 days later, I'd go back to the doctor for another ultrasound to see if the medication produced any follicles. I never had any luck with Clomid. All I produced was cysts. On to treatment plan #2.

The next medication we tried was Letrozole. It was similar to Clomid but supposedly produced better results. Well, it did. I had a couple of cycles with Letrozole that did produce good follicles. Once we saw that the follicles were ready, I had to give myself an injection in the stomach with a drug called, Ovidrel. This drug forced my body to ovulate. After taking the shot we were prescribed "timed relations" at home for the next three days. Pretty much, to have sex and hope for the best. No luck! On to treatment plan #3.

The doctor suggested moving on to a "boosting" cycle. A boosting cycle meant that I continued taking the Letrozole but I added in more shots of a Follicle Stimulating drug called Follistim. I was to take those shots in the belly on days 5, 7, and 9 of my cycle. We would go in for our ultrasound to see if there were any good follicles and if there were we'd do the same Ovidrel/timed relations routine that we did with the previous treatment. Still... nothing. Next treatment plan...

Since nothing was happening, the doctor suggested moving to IUI (Interuterine Insemination). This process was pretty much the same as the last treatment process but instead of having timed relations, the doctor would be injecting Joe's sperm directly into my uterus. So, once we knew the follicles were in place, Joe would drop his sample at the doctor's office and we'd go back later for the insemination. We joked in the procedure room about the baby having "my two dads", Joe and the doctor. It definitely wasn't the romantic scene you picture when you think about how your child was conceived.

After the first IUI, we were so optimistic. We just knew that it was going to work. We had done everything perfect, hadn't missed a dose of medication, didn't drink any alcohol, didn't even get too little sleep. It was the text book perfect scenario. It still didn't work! We were beyond frustrated and going broke! Over the last 3 and a half years, we've spent close to $8,000 on fertility treatments. Since I had a bad tube, the doctor suggested only doing two IUI procedures before moving on to IVF (Invitro Fertilization). IVF is in the $12,000 range PER CYCLE and takes extensive trips to the doctor, lots more shots, and about 6 weeks per cycle. We really couldn't afford to move on to that.

We decided to give IUI one last try and then, if it didn't work, we would move on with our lives and plan for our future without children. Our plan was to sell our house, buy an RV and travel the country living like gypsies. Just us and the dogs. Why not? Why keep living this responsible life if you have no one to be responsible for? So, we went into the second IUI knowing that it wasn't going to work. We figured if it didn't work during the text book perfect cycle before, it wouldn't work now. We started talking and thinking more about our childless life and the places we'd go. We really were prepared to just move on.

Then it happened, a positive pregnancy test. I almost died. I had one home pregnancy test leftover from the month before and decided one morning to give it a shot. I got up with the dogs at 6:45am, let them out and went to the bathroom like I do every morning. I took the test and as I was laying it on the counter, I thought I saw a shadow of a line showing up. Skeptical as ever, I knew I was seeing things. I left the test on the counter and went to feed the dogs. While they were eating, I went back to the bathroom and sure enough, there was a freaking blue plus sign on the test. I had to double, triple, quadruple check it because I was sure I was hallucinating. I'd seen more negative pregnancy tests over the past 3 years, I never thought I'd see a positive. Joe was still sleeping so I walked into the bedroom and said, "sweetie". No answer. "Sweetie". Groggy Joe says, "huh?". I said, "I'm pregnant". Joe said, "what?". I said, "I'm pregnant". All of a sudden, Joe ripped back the covers and runs into the bathroom to look at the test. We were both shaking and still couldn't believe what we were seeing. We just stood in the bathroom hugging and crying and laughing. It was the best moment ever.

The treatment process was not easy. Giving myself shots in the belly went from traumatic with tears, to a piece of cake while company was in the other room. The raging hormones from all the pills were very difficult, for Joe especially. But the worst part was the feeling of defeat every month when my period would come. It got harder and harder to hear about other people getting pregnant. It was very difficult seeing pregnant people in public, especially dirty skanky looking ones. It was very difficult to watch commericals for baby related products or even pregnancy tests. Every thing in my life reminded me of the fact that I was childless. I felt like I had let everyone down. There is a song by the Dixie Chicks about infertility and a line in the song says, "I felt so guilty like that was a gift I couldn't give, could you be happy if life wasn't how we pictured it". That line rang so true to me. Since I'd always pictured myself as a mother, I didn't know how to be anyone else.

I'm glad that Joe and I have been lucky enough to make it through these treatments successfully and still married and in love. I know there are so many women out there who are going through the same thing we've been through and my heart aches for them. My wish is that women could get the treatments that they need and not have to worry about how to pay for them. Insurance companies need to realize that infertility is a serious issue that merits payment. I also hope that by sharing my story that it will help everyone understand a little more the pain that comes along with this diagnosis. Just be sensitive and willing to listen. A lot of times women (me especially) don't like to talk about the treatment process because people try to offer solutions or they don't understand and end up saying something that hurts your feelings. Just please remember that sometimes just listening is the best way to help out.

I hope to talk to you all soon.

Love,
Tricia

Just the beginning

At the suggestion of Emily, I've taken to blogging! It's amazing but it only took like a second and a half to make this whole page. Amazing! So, welcome to my new blog!

I think that this will probably be the easiest way to keep family, friends, and everyone else updated on what's happening with me and my bun-in-the-oven.

I am currently in my sixth week of pregnancy so according to babycenter.com a lot is going on inside of me right now. The baby is the size of a small lentil bean. The eyes, ears, and nostrils are starting to take shape and the arm and leg buds are starting to protrude. The heart is dividing into chambers and will start beating and circulating blood throughout the body! By the end of this week, the baby will also start moving it's arms and legs. Pretty amazing if you ask me. It's hard to imagine that all of this is going on inside of me right now.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I'm really tired a lot and have been feeling queasy off and on. I think I have night sickness instead of morning sickness. The queasiness usually starts after dinner and before bed. I'm glad though, I'd rather have it at night when I'm close to my bed than at work when there is nowhere to hide. My boobs are getting bigger too and they are very sore. I wouldn't trade any of my symptoms for the world though. I feel very lucky to finally be experiencing all the crazy things that pregnancy brings.

Joe has been taking excellent care of me. He's making sure that my hot dogs are cooked well done and that I don't lift any heavy laundry baskets. I've been trying to eat my recommended daily allowance of fruits and veggies and am making sure to get all my calcium. I feel like I take a grocery bag full of food to work everyday! Eating all those fruits and vegetables is exhausting! We've been reading tons of books on pregnancy and have gone through several baby name books already. We've started a list of names but don't really agree on anything yet. I guess we have plenty of time to decide.

Our first ultrasound is scheduled for next Friday, June 8th. We are really looking forward to seeing the baby's heartbeat. If all goes well at that appointment, we will be officially released from the infertility doctor and will start seeing a regular obstetrician. Hopefully, I will be able to post some ultrasound pictures for you. In the mean time, I have posted our "beginning" belly shots.

I hope you enjoy!

Love,

Tricia