Making plans

Since we're now less than two weeks away from finding out whether we're having a boy or a girl, we are getting very antsy about wanting to buy stuff. We had decided not to buy anything until we found out the baby's sex since everything is so specific to boy or girl anyway. But, just because we can't buy anything doesn't mean I can't plan for when the time comes. I spent quite a bit of time this morning putting together idea boards for a boy nursery and a girl nursery.

First up, the girl nursery:



Sorry, I know it's small and I don't know how to make it bigger. But, I'll give you some of the details. The bedding is Island Surf bedding from Pottery Barn Kids. I would like to paint the walls yellow and then do the pink and blue stripes all the way around. I'd also like to do a vinyl cling that says, "surfer girl my little surfer girl" in white script above the crib. The crib and dresser are the Babi Italia Eastside Lifestyle collection in white. The other stuff is from assorted sources like Target, Pottery Barn Kids, and Etsy.

Next up is the boy nursery:



Again, sorry that it is hard to see. The bedding this time is Pirate Cove by Cotton Tale. The treasure map in the upper corner is actually a 6'x8' mural that would go on the wall behind the baby's bed. The crib and dresser are again Babi Italia Eastside Lifestyle collection but the color is Cinnamon. The wall color would be tan. And again, the rest of the accessories are from Target, PBK, and Etsy. I think there is a little more opportunity to have fun with the pirate theme because there are so many cute pirate things out there. I found a bunch of signs for the walls that I liked but settled on a baby friendly, "Pirates Only, all other will walk the plank".

So, those are our ideas so far. Now that I've actually picked what I like I'm ready to get started. I'm really glad I took the time to make the idea boards so I can see everything side by side. I had been switching back and forth between websites looking at all the different pieces. I just hope that when we actually get all the stuff together that it still looks as cute. I guess its just a waiting game now.

OH! P.S. I just figured out that if you double click on the pictures you can view them bigger!!

Recommend your...

I need some advice about some baby gear. Since the majority of my readers are already mothers, I figured this would be a good place to ask. I have been getting recommendations from friends on strollers and bottles but would love to hear what you use and why.

One big thorn in my side right now is a diaper bag. I know a diaper bag shouldn't be on the top of my priority list when there are so many other things I need to think about but there is just something bugging me about diaper bags. For one, why the hell are diaper bags so expensive? Seriously, what makes them worth $100+ ? And is there something about a Petunia Pickle Bottom bag or a OiOi bag that makes them better than other bags? Do I need to look for something with a lot of pockets? Something washable? Long straps or short straps? Tell me what diaper bag you use and why you love it?

Any other recommendations you can give me on any other baby gear is greatly appreciated!

Feeling good

There isn't a whole lot of exciting stuff to report right now. I think I've finally made it to the "honeymoon phase" of my pregnancy. I feel really good. I have more energy and feel overall less icky. And last Friday I think I felt the baby move for the first time. It felt like a little tickle. I haven't felt it since then so I hope I wasn't just imagining it. The doctor said that I won't feel regular movement for a couple more weeks so I will just have to be patient.

I am still trying to get back into a regular exercise routine. I walked one day last week and again today. My goal is to walk at least four days a week. Now that its a little warmer out I'm much more willing to go outside and walk. I'd also love to attend yoga more often. I've been to a class that I really like but it's a pretty long drive to get to it. I saw that the gym in town offers a class on Saturday mornings so I might try that one out. I feel like the walking is good for cardio but I still would like to do some toning stuff for my muscles. Joe and I are hosting our niece's first birthday at our house in May and it will be a pool party. So, even though I know my belly will be huge, I'd like it if my legs and butt aren't totally covered in cellulite. I tried a prenatal pilates DVD but really couldn't get into it. I may have to try a different DVD to see if I like it more.

My appetite has been crazy. I have been eating like a cow. I'm trying really hard to make better choices but still feel like I'm eating lots of junk. I've been cutting up raw veggies and taking them to work to snack on and have definitely been getting my daily servings of fruit and dairy. Protein and vegetables are the hardest things for me to get down. I have completely avoided chicken but might have to try it again to see if I can stomach it now. Although, even writing about chicken kind of grosses me out. I have been okay eating shrimp and turkey burgers but am also going to try beef fajitas and fish this week. We'll see how that goes. I looked through one of my cookbooks for dinner ideas and am hoping preparing things in a new and different way will help make it more appetizing for me. My most consistent go-to snack has been Triscuits and cheddar cheese. I eat it for a snack every day.

My body is still growing. I think the biggest growth has occurred in my chest but my belly is starting to catch up. It still looks fat to me. In clothes it looks round but it still seems jiggly to me. I know it'll round out soon and I'm really looking forward to that. I did get one comment from a stranger already. I was sitting at my desk, wearing a flowy shirt, he looked at my belly and asked me if I was pregnant. I told him yes, and he said, "yeah, I can tell in your face". Huh?! LOL I really don't get people. Whatever.

So, things are just moving along. I see that several of you have participated in the poll and that the majority think I'll be having a girl. Time will tell. I still really have no inclination either way. Although, girl stuff has been popping into my head a lot more lately. But, that may be because everyone else thinks I'm having a girl. Only 2 more weeks to go.

Brief update

Just a quick update for you. I had another doctor appointment today and all is still going well. I got to hear the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. The heart is beating a healthy 144 beats per minute. I was also able to schedule my BIG ultrasound where I'll find out the baby's gender. I don't get to go in until March 11th, which is just before 20 weeks. I had to beg to get that date because they wanted me to wait until after 20 weeks. It stinks I have to wait another 3 weeks but at least there is a date set.

I have added a poll to the blog (see left side of page) so that you can guess whether I'm having a boy or a girl. I am completely up in the air at this point. My first inclination was boy but I've been leaning towards girl lately. Either way, I'll be thrilled. But, I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Annoyed

I get so annoyed when people say they are so fed up with their insurance that they wish they could live off the government. Really? REALLY?! Do you even have ANY idea what you're saying? Do you really think the people on Medicaid have it so great? If so, I have the perfect plan for you.

First off, you'll need to quit your job because I GUARANTEE you make too much money to receive government assistance. Second, you'll need to have a child. But, before you get too excited, you can't get married or live with your baby daddy (if he's employed) and you can't receive child support. Sound good so far? Now that you've got those things out of the way, you'll need to go stand in line to try to get a beautiful place to live right in the heart of the ghetto where you'll have scenic views of people conducting illegal activities right outside your door. Doesn't that sound like a nice place for your child to grow up?

Once you're all settled in to your new place you may start thinking about getting a job for some extra money. But don't go working too hard because the more money you make, the less benefits you'll receive from the government. And when I say don't make too much, I mean don't work full time at minimum wage because that's too much money. But, hey, you'll be getting your really crappy insurance for free so it's a great life, right?

I really wish people would stop and think about what they were saying before they start complaining about how awful their lives are because they have to pay for insurance. Be grateful! There are lots of people who have none. And I know that I would much rather continue working and continue living my lifestyle even if it means that I have to pay for my health insurance. I consider myself lucky that I even have the option. Yes, I completely agree that the system is broken and that people are better off living off the system than they are trying to better themselves but that isn't the fault of the people ON the system so stop blaming them. You know the saying, don't hate the player hate the game? Same thing here.

Okay, I just had to get that off my chest.

All jumbled up

When I found out I was pregnant I knew that my life would be changing. However, I don't think it fully hit me until this week. I don't know what the trigger was (maybe my expanding belly) but I all of a sudden got very overwhelmed by the decisions and changes that are coming. When I was going through infertility treatments or dealing with the disappointment of a failed cycle I tried to comfort myself by saying that, "eventually this will happen for us", but I don't know if I ever REALLY believed that I would be where I am today. I'm still shocked by it. But because I never believed this would happen, I never put any real thought into the changes that would come from becoming a parent.

One easy decision was that I will definitely be returning to work after the baby is born. Not only can we not afford for me to stay at home, I don't know if I could do it. I need down time and being a stay at home mom doesn't afford you much. So Joe and I have always known that we'll need to find a daycare for baby. We have been talking about what we want and where we'll look but haven't made the actual steps to go out and visit daycare yet. I have questions I want to ask and things I want to look for but I'm really hoping intuition kicks in and I'll "just know" the daycare that is right for our baby.

Another thing I've been thinking about is a college savings plan. I know it is really early to be thinking about but is it ever TOO EARLY to think about your child's education? I worked very hard and took out lots of student loans and credit cards to get through college. Student loans that I am still paying for and will be for a long time. I look at the money spent as a good investment because having a degree has helped me get to where I am now. But because I worked full time throughout my whole college career, I feel like I missed out on a lot of the experiences that come with being a college student. I want my child to have those experiences. Not that I want to live vicariously through my child or expect that he/she do all those things, but I want him/her to have the choice. When it comes time to apply for college, I want to be able to say, "don't worry about the cost, we've got it covered". But I have absolutely no idea where to even start. I don't want to do a state only pre-paid fund because I don't want to limit our child to only state schools. And what if he/she decides not to go to college? I don't want to have to pay a ton of penalties on our money for using it towards non-education expenses.

Then there is the whole matter of feeding, clothing, diapering and taking care of baby. In addition to daycare costs, we'll also be adding all the regular baby expenses. I honestly have no idea, on a monthly basis, how much it will cost to "maintain" a baby and it kind of freaks me out. I have a general idea about daycare costs but don't know how to plan or budget for all the other stuff that babies need. Joe and I have been working hard at saving money for baby but when I look at all our upcoming expenses, it just feels like not enough. Trying to save for my maternity leave, much needed repairs around the house, making a nursery and buying nursery furniture and other baby essentials, and trying to pay off credit cards is exhausting and overwhelming. Every time I make a purchase or balance the check book I think about the money that could've gone in the baby fund. I am just so afraid of not having enough money to do everything that needs to be done.

Then there are the stresses of my body changing. I know that what I'm experiencing is completely normal and "beautiful" but it doesn't feel that way. I'm up eight pounds, which I know is completely normal for how far along I am, but all I can think of when I see the numbers on the scale is gaining 100 pounds and never being able to lose it. Before I got pregnant, my life revolved around eating healthy and exercise and watching the numbers on the scale go down. It's hard to let go of that state of mind. It's hard not to freak out when I gain three pounds IN ONE DAY! I have totally given up on exercise as of late and can be very easily swayed into eating cookies or taco bell or anything salty and crunchy. I try really hard to eat well but know I'm not getting enough protein or vegetables. Am I a bad mom already?

Getting dressed every day is really hard for me too. I already had to give up my high heels, which was like losing a part of my identity, but now I'm wearing the same three outfits over and over again. My belly is popping out but not enough for people to know for sure that I'm pregnant. So I just look like I've given up and started gaining weight and stopped dressing cute. I did order some maternity pants online which will, hopefully, help me with my outfit choices and I'm looking forward to warm weather so I can wear some of my flowy dresses. I am terrified that after baby comes I won't go back to how I dressed before. I've got to be realistic. When I'm sleep deprived, leaking milk, and covered in spit-up am I really going to want to get dressed up and put on high heels? But that is so scary because those are things I love to do.

I'm afraid of losing my identity. I know my life is going to change, and this is going to sound REALLY stupid, but I feel like I won't be able to do things that I could do before baby. This is so embarrassing to admit but this revelation came from listening to a song on the radio. Akon's "Sexy Chick". It's an upbeat club song about a hot girl that all the guys want. When the song came on I started thinking, this song makes me want to go out dancing. But then the thought came to a screeching halt in my head as I thought, I can't go out dancing in a club, I'm going to be someone's mother. No matter how hard I tried I could not picture myself getting dressed up sexy, leaving the baby with a sitter, and going out dancing in a club. The scene in my head is just absurd. It's like that scene in Knocked Up when the bouncer turns them away and tells the sister, "you're old as fuck and she's pregnant". It just seems all wrong. And I know that's nuts, there are lots of sexy moms (I REFUSE to use the word MILF- it disgusts me) that go out and have a good time after baby but I just can't see myself like that. It's not even like I do that regularly anyway, but it's just something that struck me as no longer do-able.

On top of trying to figure out what my new identity as "mom" will look like, I'm also struggling with the logistics of it all. How the hell am I going handle being a mother? Will I be patient enough? Will I be a good mom? How do I avoid screwing my child up or scarring him/her for life? How will I handle the morning routine of getting baby ready and myself out the door on time for work? How will I fit in exercise? How do you entertain a baby? How will Joe and my relationship change? All these questions and feeling of doubt have really overwhelmed me lately. Things that I never thought of are now weighing on my brain constantly. As someone who strives to be the best at everything I do, trying to be "the best" mother is just too much to handle. I keep telling myself, no expectations. Don't expect it to be any certain way. If I don't have any expectations, then I can't be disappointed or surprised. I've heard that being a mother is the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life so I'm trying to just go with that.

I know that I need relax and just go with the flow but you all know me well enough to know that just isn't going to happen. I try to read the books and the websites but they just scare me more. You'd think that after six years of trying to get here I'd be a little more prepared but I think I focused so hard on the "getting" here that I never thought about what I'd do once I arrived. It's all just so crazy. I'm going to be someone's mother. Like, a real live human being's mother. I'm going to be responsible for someone's life. How can you not be overwhelmed by that?

Giving up already?

As much as it pains me to write this post, even I have to admit defeat sometimes. It's been a long, beautiful love affair but all things must eventually come to an end. Yes, blog readers, as of today am I giving up my high heels. I really didn't think that it would end this soon but I had a little "a-ha" moment today that led me to this decision.

The decision started with the fact that I am running out of pants to wear. I am pretty sure I've worn my size 4 black work pants for the last time. Even with the Bella Band they are getting way too uncomfortable. That leaves me with two pairs of work pants that I can still get into semi-comfortably. I am able to wear jeans to work and, thankfully, I am still in almost all my jeans. But, being a supervisor and having to go to meetings with people more important than me, I try not to wear jeans that often. You know the saying, dress for the job you want... not the one you've got. And it's been too cold here to wear dresses. I am begging for the weather to change so I can wear my super comfy empire waist dresses to work.

When I found out I was pregnant I had just cleaned out my closet and had a bag of clothes that no longer fit me set aside to go to charity. I decided to keep the clothes and use them as I grew. Well, one of the problems is that I'm growing in my belly and not really anywhere else. So, while the pants fit me at the waist, the legs and butt are huge. And all the pants are hemmed for my super high heels. I have several pairs in the 4-4.5" range.

But, being that it is STILL cold out and I've run out of clothing options, I turned to the bag today and pulled out a pair of work pants that required a pair of 4.5" heels. Now wearing heels isn't usually that big of a deal because I sit at a desk for the majority of the day. However today I had to attend a meeting at another building that is around 1/4 of a mile walk. I usually really enjoy the walk to the other building, even in heels, because it's nice to be outside and get some exercise and fresh air but today it just wasn't comfortable.

By the time I got to the meeting I was having some pain and cramping in my lower back. It calmed down a little during the meeting and I took the shuttle bus on the way back but it was still bothering me when I got back to the office. I called the nurse who essentially told me that aches and pains are normal and, I swear, I could hear the eye roll in her voice when she asked if this was my first baby. Yes I understand aches and pains are normal but I just wanted to be sure. I decided to take the afternoon off anyway so I could come home and rest and relax. I feel a little guilty about using my vacation time because I'm trying to hoard it for when baby comes but I feel like I needed it today.

So, for now, it's time to say goodbye to the super high heels. I'll still wear my lower heels but the highest of the high will have to stay on the shelf for now. I guess I need to invest in some flats and some shorter hem pants. I really didn't expect it this early but I guess I'd better get used to the changes!