One small step for a woman

Progress. Small steps in the right direction. That's what I'm taking. This weekend I had a long overdue conversation with my family and I feel like we all got a chance to say what we haven't been able to say for a long time. Hopefully it will help us move forward. I've also made an appointment to see a counselor. I'm scared as hell but feel like it's necessary. I need help. I need someone to help me out of this place. This very scary/confusing place.

The place I'm at right now is so weird. I have two extremes going on in my life. On one side, I'm doing amazingly well with my diet and exercise. I'm now down 19 pounds and am fully into a size 10. In jeans even! My body is looking better, I'm feeling better, I'm making progress with my running, and I'm very proud of my accomplishments. On the other side, though, I have the tangled mess of my infertility. I'm at a crossroad and really, really don't know where to go. My choices are getting more and more limited and harder and harder to make. I'm hoping the counseling will help me with those decisions.

I feel sad that I'm stepping back from the blog. I just feel like I've gotten to a point where my sharing is hurting/offending others. I don't want to do that. I miss the outlet though. I have been doing some blogging anonymously and it helps to get those feelings out but I love "talking" to all of you and seeing your comments and knowing that you're out there. And, besides the diet and exercise, my issues with infertility are really the biggest thing going on in my life. So I feel like that's the only thing I have to talk about. And, believe me, talking about it gets old after a while. Again, I hope the counseling helps with that. Maybe once I get it all out it'll free up my mind to talk/think about other things.

I do have one silly story for you though. I was at the gym the other day and noticed, when I got on the treadmill, that it had water spots on it. I thought someone spilled their water or something. Then, when I was running, I felt water splash on me every once in a while. I kept thinking, "dang, I'm really sweating a lot today". Then I noticed the dude on the treadmill next to me. Actually, first I noticed his treadmill was very wet... like it was raining on it. Then I noticed him, dripping sweat and flinging it all over his general vicinity... and mine. It took me a minute to put together the fact that the water dripping on me wasn't mine, but his. I almost barfed all over my treadmill. A few days later I noticed him running (and spraying) again but that time I chose a treadmill away from the splash zone. So gross. I'm so glad my gym has anti-bacterial wipes handy so I can wipe down the machines. Blech.

Big road trip coming up this weekend. Joe and I (and the girls) are making a trip to Alabama to visit with his family. 13 hours in the car, on some of the most rural roads ever. I think I'll be updating my i-phone with some music to keep us entertained. I love to sing in the car... Joe doesn't love it so much when I sing. I can always tell I've gotten too loud when he turns up the volume. I can't help it... the rhythm moves me. Last time we visited Alabama, we left after work and drove all night. We have vowed to never, ever do that again. We were way too tired and the roads up there are way too dark. So this time we plan on leaving very early Saturday morning. We'll be back on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll have lots of fun stories from the bible belt to share with y'all.

I hope you all have a great week!

Some time away

I'm back from my girls' getaway weekend. I had a great time hanging out with my girlfriends in St. Pete Beach. We stayed at the Don Cesar and it was great. The pool was amazing and the beach was gorgeous. It was a really nice break from reality. We did a lot of lounging by the pool, some drinking, and lots of laughing and talking. I didn't take any pictures with my camera so as soon as I get pictures emailed to me, I'll try to post some.



I think I need to take a break from blogging for a while. I'm going through a serious rough patch and I don't feel like I have the ability to be witty right now. I think I need some time away to work through some stuff. Through Elaina's advice I think I'm going to try some anonymous blogging/journaling. I need to have an outlet to say the things I no longer feel comfortable saying here. I also think I'm going to pursue some counseling. I think it's time. I am on the brink of alienating my family and friends and I'm scared. I don't want to lose my relationships but I don't know how to maintain them anymore. I'm not closing down the blog but, for now, I don't think I'll post as regularly as I have been. I guess only when inspiration strikes. It's been striking less and less lately. So, check back every now and then but keep in mind that the blog posts will be fewer.

Hopefully I'll be back to myself (whatever that is) someday.

Wicked and Evil, yet Hilarious

I have found a new website. It's called 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility (http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com) and it is very, very funny. It may not be as funny to those who haven't experienced the indignities of infertility but, for me, it is hilarious. This post in particular had me laughing my ass off. I apologize in advance for anyone who may be offended. It's all in good fun.

The Baby Shower Survival Guide

Ten helpful hints for surviving a baby shower:

1) Arrive in tears. You are going to spend most of the baby shower crying in the bathroom anyways so why not make it a public event? Start telling other guests about your struggles with infertility and don't forget to be very detailed about ovulation and cervical mucus.

2) Tell the guest of honor she looks fat. Everyone might say to her "you look great" but why be like everyone else? You might want to tell her that you once knew someone who only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy.

3) Bring a cake that says: Congratulations! It took you less than a year to conceive!

4) Leave a negative pregnancy test and a package of birth control pills in her bathroom.

5) Spike the non-alcoholic punch and hand out cups to all the kids and the guest of honor (Don't feel badly. I'm sure in some countries one glass of wine during pregnancy won't hurt).

6) Introduce inappropriate party games including "Guess the baby daddy" and "Pin the tail on the cervix."

7) For your present, give the guest of honor a couple of shirts that say "World's Worst Mother" and "Number 1 Slut."

8) Offer to write down who gave what gift. Then mix it up! Oops!

9) Yawn loudly during present opening and ask if you can take a nap in her bed.

10) Put a sign on her front door saying "Baby shower canceled due to marital break-up."


I would never, ever dream of doing any of that stuff but it is pretty funny to think about doing them. You know, it's like Jimmy Buffett said, "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane."

S.H.I.T. Sure Happy It's Thursday!

Making Progress

Whew!! Another crazy busy weekend! We have been two productive mo-fo's around here lately. Last weekend we got our fence fixed up, this weekend we tackled the shed. I posted pictures of our hard work in the Renovation Album. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures before we started ripping stuff apart so you'll only get to see the afters. But, the total project isn't done yet so the pictures are really just in between at this point.

Friday night was my girls only movie night. We watched Nights in Rodanthe. BLECH! The movie sucked. Diane Lane and Richard Gere and a whole lotta boring. I definitely don't recommend it. The girl talk was great though. This was my first movie night on my diet and I actually managed to abstain from the popcorn! I made a nice little snack for myself with grapes and strawberries, some sharp cheddar, almonds, and olives. It was really good. I only missed the popcorn a little. It was funny, at one point some popcorn dropped onto the counter and my first instinct was to scoop it up and pop it in my mouth. I was actually like, "what do you think you're doing", and dumped it into the trash. Crazy how old behaviors can just pop up out of nowhere.

Saturday was go-go-go all day. We worked our asses off. We got up early and were out the door to get some breakfast by 7:30am. We had to make a stop off at Lowe's on the way home and finally got started around 9:30. My dad came to the house to help us tear down our small shed. For some reason, someone decided that one massive eye-sore of a shed in our yard wasn't enough and added a second lean-to type shed attached to the first. We've always hated both of our sheds and it has been our mission over the last 5 years to make them less noticeable. Well, mission accomplished.

One thing I can say about that ugly ass shed, it was built to last. Joe was going at it with a sawzall and a sledge hammer and the thing was barely budging. The sheds are wired for electric so while Joe was busy with the demo, my dad was working on transferring the electrical box and outlets to the big shed. Eventually the walls came down and then the roof. We hauled three loads of lumber and shingles and other debris to the dump. We gained a lot of open area in our by taking down the shed and by moving out the fence last weekend. We are eventually going to pour concrete in the new open area and put Joe's grill and a table and some chairs over there. I can't wait to see it all finished. Make sure you check out the pictures.

After we all got cleaned up and relaxed, Joe and I took my dad out to dinner at Port Canaveral to thank him for all the hard work he's done for us around our house. It was nice to sit outside and have some beer and eat some oysters. I think my dad really enjoyed it too.

I'm really looking forward to this upcoming week. Last week wasn't a great week for me at the gym. I had several bad workouts so I'm hoping to get back on track this week. I also have a weekend away planned with my girlfriends next weekend. We're heading over to St. Petersburg Beach on Friday. I haven't gotten away with my girlfriends in a really long time so it'll be nice to finally do that.

Anyway, I guess that's my weekend in a nutshell. I hope you all have a great week!

Quote of the day

This quote comes from Christian Siriano, Project Runway winner and overall fierce bitch, via my September Glamour magazine. Defining a "hot mess".

Glamour: You seem to have coined the phrase "hot mess". Is this a positive or negative thing?

Christian Siriano: It's being both at the same time. Like, a woman who is wearing amazing heels, but can't walk in them- it's fabulous.

LOL... Christian Siriano, I love you.

Come Monday It'll Be Alright

Where do the weekends go? This one went by so fast it doesn't even feel like I had one. We were busy, busy, busy all weekend long. We didn't even get to go in the pool! But, we did get some stuff accomplished.

Joe and my dad started working on our fence project this weekend. They tore down the old gates, sunk posts for the new gates and reinforced some posts that were leaning. They'll start putting up the new slats either today or tomorrow. I'm really excited about it. Our fence has been leaning for several years now so it'll be nice to cross that project off the list. We're also gaining about 17 feet in our back yard by extending our fence and tearing down our small shed. We'll still have our big shed so we're not losing too much storage. Ideally, once everything is done, we'll be able to put our grill and a table over there. It'll be a nice shady spot for a meal. But, all in time.

I was able to get some shopping in yesterday. It was a very exciting day for me. I'm officially in size 10 pants/skirts/dresses and into medium tops. I tried on (and zipped up) a couple pairs of size 10 jeans but they were still a little more snug than I'm comfortable with. I did get a couple of skirts, a pair of pants, and a couple of dresses. Should be enough to get me through the rest of the summer and into fall. I didn't want to get too much because I'll hopefully be moving down at least one more size.

I did get past the 13.5 pound mark I'd been held at for a week. I'm now down 14.5. Not too bad! Another half pound and I'll be half way to my goal. I need to stop weighing myself everyday. I get so hung up on the .2's and .4's that the scale seems to fluctuate everyday. If I could resist the temptation and only weigh once a week, I think the results would be more encouraging. To see a bigger loss at the end of the week has got to be better than the little losses (or gains) everyday. But, I'm addicted to those numbers. I can't help it. I have to know. Even though I know the scale isn't the most reliable tool for proving results, I should be much more focused on how my body looks and how my clothes fit, I still have to see those numbers.

So anyway, I know this is a short blog but that's all I've got for now. I have movie night coming up on Friday and Joe is tearing down the little shed on Saturday. I'll try to remember to take pictures this time so I can post them in the Renovation Album for you. I haven't decided yet whether I'll move on to week 5 of my training or repeat week 4. I really want to move on and make progress but I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I'll keep you posted. Have a good week!

P.S. August is WAY too early for football!! I know it's only pre-season but I'm just not ready for summer to be over yet. Sigh...

I hate week 4

I've been dieting for 8 weeks now. It seems like forever. I'm still holding steady at 13.5 pounds lost. It's a great achievement but of course I'm not satisfied. I want more! I want it now! I am so impatient it drives me crazy! I'm so proud of myself for how well I've done but I also get so irritated that I haven't lost more. Never satisfied... story of my life.

Even though I've been dieting and exercising for 8 weeks, I'm only up to week 4 of my 5k training. I repeated both weeks 2 and 3 because I didn't feel ready to move on yet. Now I'm on week four and it is kicking my ass. I run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 5 minutes, walk 2.5 minutes, run 3, walk 90 seconds, run 5. Exhausting. I did really well on Monday. Even though I was gasping for breath in the last seconds, I still finished and didn't have to stop at all. Today though, I had to stop during my last 5 minute session. I ended up running 2.5 minutes, walking 1 minute, then picking back up to a run for the last 1.5 minutes. I feel really disappointed that I couldn't do it without stopping but, whatever, I'm giving it my all.

This 5k training is so frustrating. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I honestly didn't expect this much of a challenge. I am seriously working my ass off with every work out. I guess I just thought I'd be better by now. I guess I cant expect to go from a lazy turd to a runner overnight but I really wish I was better at it. Practice is the only way to get better, so I'm going to keep at it.

The dieting is going okay. Besides the cake and champagne at Becky's wedding, I still haven't cheated. The cake really set me back though. The next two days I was craving nothing but carbs. It's like my body got a taste of sugar and remembered everything delicious that I'd ever eaten. I feel the cravings dying down now but those were a couple of tough days.

I'm hoping to do a little shopping soon. I'm completely out of my size 14's and my 12's are getting baggy. I feel very confident that I'll be into a 10 the next time I shop. That's such a huge accomplishment for me. I haven't been in a 10 for YEARS. When I started this I said I wanted to get into a size 9. Now that doesn't seem so far away. It actually seems very, very attainable. I think I may make a new goal, though, to get into a size 8. Or, whatever size corresponds with my goal weight. I think that's the most important goal. I'm aiming for a weight that will put me in the "healthy" range for my height and frame. So, whatever size I am then, I'll be happy with.

I'm really excited for the shopping though. I've been thinking about my fall wardrobe lately. I don't really know which direction I want to go. There are a lot of cute styles coming out but also some that I'm a little iffy on. I just don't know if I can pull off some of them. But, I guess there's no harm in trying. I've got my eyes on like 15 pairs of shoes already. I don't think I'll be able to get them all but hopefully I'll be able to get several. I'm having a love affair with boots right now. I want almost every pair I see. And jeans! I can't wait for jean shopping. I really have to have two shopping sessions, one for work and one for play. I love being able to dress up like a professional for work but then be more laid back and trendy on the weekends. We'll see... it's still 90 degrees here so I won't need any fall clothes for a while.

Anyway... I guess that's it. Wish me luck that I'll survive week 4 and be able to move on to week 5. September 26th will be here before I know it!

Oh, I've posted a few more pictures in the family album of Becky's wedding. Enjoy!

The Knot Has Been Tied

So Becky is officially married! Sorry for the details coming in so late but I've been recovering from The Wine Flu for the majority of the day. Oh yeah, breaking my diet for champagne and cake (and lots of wine) really caught up with me this morning. I did enough drinking last night to last me for quite a while.

Anyway, on to the wedding details...

I had to resist the urge to post a lot of details here on the blog because I really, really wanted the bride to be surprised. She didn't want anything to do with the planning so I wanted to make it extra special for her. And I love being able to have complete creative control over any event so it was perfect for me. Since Becky's mentioned really liking the color combination of purple and orange, that's what I went with. There are pictures in the family album if you'd like to see for yourself.

We rented a large banquet table that seated 10 and got gold Chiavari chairs with cream seat cushions. The table cloth was eggplant pin tuck satin and the napkins were coral satin. We hung white Christmas lights along the ceiling in my living and dining rooms to make more ambient lighting and hung some Chinese lanterns for extra decor. Over the table, along with the Chinese lanterns, we strung some crystals that hung down almost all the way to the table. The candle light reflected on the crystals and sparkled really nice. I did six floral arrangements and scattered them in the center of the table. They were all in dark purple vases and were comprised of purple and white astromeria, orange roses, and orange and purple gerbera daisies. I also did several clear vases filled with clementines. And tons of candles.

It was a busy day yesterday transforming my house from a place where I live into a banquet room. But my mom and Joe and I all worked together and got everything moved and hung and decorated until is was perfect. Dinner was at 7:30 but we had to get the actual wedding out of the way first. Becky and Will had a very short ceremony pretty much just acknowledging the fact that they do indeed take one another in matrimony. There was also some kissing of the bride but that's about it. Short, sweet, and to the point.

We had Olive Garden for dinner and it was really good. Can you believe Joe and I were actually able to find a low-carb dinner choice on the Olive Garden menu?! The Apricot Chicken. It was actually very good. We had that with broccoli and asparagus, and a salad- no bread sticks for us! I did indulge in some (okay lots) white wine. It really added up quickly and I was quite buzzed by cake cutting time. Ah, the cake...

I hadn't originally planned on making a cake for the party. I'm not a great baker. But, every cake place wanted WAY too much money for a cake that only needed to feed 10 so I decided to give cake making a shot. It actually turned out really well... for a first attempt. Thanks to Google I had plenty of instructions on how to bake and stack and ice the cakes. Icing took a really long time because I was very insistent on trying to get it as smooth as possible. It was so stressful. But, in the end, I just covered up the bad spots with ribbon and flowers. Problem solved.

I did cheat on my diet and have a piece of cake and some champagne. Ever since I started planning this party I knew that I would cheat for cake. I planned for it and it was so good. I was almost about to cry it was so good. Seriously. You know the joke... a fat kid loves cake... blah, blah, blah. Just like that. But, I can already feel the consequences today. I've been craving bread and chips and other carbs today. That sugar is a son of a bitch! It's like heroin, one hit and you're addicted. But, right back up on the diet horse again.

All in all, the wedding was a great success. I can't believe that my sisters and I are all married now. So weird. There are no more Skinner girls left. Crazy. I feel so old.