Leaving on a jet plane

We are t-minus 17 hours and counting until our vacation officially begins!!! I am so super pumped, I can't even tell you. I'm in the process of packing and accessorizing and making lists so I don't forget anything. Poor Joe doesn't have much room in the suitcase as I am once again packing WAY too much. I have a suitcase for my shoes and accessories alone. Hey, at least it's the small suitcase.

I will not be blogging while on vacation but I have joined and have subsequently become addicted to Twitter. I will probably be twittering (tweeting?) while on vacation. If you want to keep up with me on Twitter, you can find me at: http://twitter.com/roxydaisy

I hope you all have a great upcoming week. I'll probably be back to blogging by Friday. I can't wait to share all my fun adventures with you all. Viva Las Vegas!!!

Vegas Baby

Okay, I've finally gotten my laundry done and am ready to post the outfits that I'm packing for Vegas. After I took the pictures, it didn't look like enough clothes, but looking at the stack next to the suitcase, it looks like a ton. I'm so bad about over packing. I always tell myself that I'm not going to but then I get scared that I'm not going to have enough once I get there. I can not figure out how travel columnists say they only pack a couple of things and mix and match outfits while on a trip. Even if you do mix and match, I feel like I need several options to mix with.

Anyway, I guess I'll start with the casual clothes since that's the majority of what I'm packing. I'm still not positive what the weather will be like while we're there. The forecast at this point is calling for temperatures in the high 70's and lows in the high 50's. So, a little bit cooler than it is here. But, I'm not sure how humidity factors into that since I've heard there is no humidity there. So, because I'm not exactly sure how the weather will turn out, you'll see lots of scarves accessorized in the following pictures. Here we go...

I guess let's start with my outfit for the plane. It is a gray tank top with my most comfortable jeans, a red scarf, black flip flops, and my zebra print carry on. I will also pack a 3/4 sleeve, black cardigan just in case the plane is chilly.
The following is the rest of my casual stuff. Mostly shorts and t-shirts with a dress thrown in for fun. The strapless dress is actually a bathing suit cover up for the pool but it's so pretty I had to post it.


And now for the dressier stuff. I'm packing two dresses and two dressier pants outfits. I'm still not convinced I have enough dressy stuff but I really don't want to go out and buy anything else. I may pack a little black dress just in case. I could pair it with my hot pink shoes, or the black ones, and be pretty set. Anyway, here is the stuff that is definitely going:



I haven't gotten too far with accessories yet. I figure lots of sparkly, dangley earrings to go with the dressy stuff. Also probably a couple of big, flashy cocktail rings, some long necklaces, and a couple different color clutches and I'll be set. The casual stuff doesn't really require much accessorizing. I'll probably stick with my standard- wedding ring, diamond studs, a delicate necklace, flip flops and sunglasses. Speaking of sunglasses, I got two really cute new pairs over the weekend. I already have a pair of oversize tortoise shell-look glasses, but I got a pair of oversize black glasses (just in case I need to go incognito), and a pair of silver aviators. The silver pair are SO cute and make me feel very hip and trendy.

So that's it. Time for your opinions. Do you think I'm packing enough? Not enough? The right kind of stuff? Let me know what you think. Only 5 more days to tweak my choices!!

AH-MAZ-ING

I had the best weekend ever. I'm serious, one of the best weekends I've had in a VERY long time. There was nothing bad about this weekend. I'm relaxed and happy and just really don't want it to end.

Friday night was supposed to be my Girl's Movie Night but attendance was going to be very low so I canceled. Joe and I took the opportunity to have a nice little date night. So we grabbed some dinner and saw a movie, Observe and Report. The movie was kind of weird but definitely had it's funny moments. Even though it was low key, we still had a great time. We were relaxed and just enjoying each other's company.

Saturday we got up early and took my parents to the Kennedy Space Center Family Day. Family Day is an event that allows me, as an employee, to bring family and friends out to see the areas of the space center that normally only badged employees have access to. But, being that I am WAY down on the totem pole in the grand scheme of the space center, I don't normally get to see much besides my little office. So I was just as excited as everyone else to see all the cool stuff. The weather on Saturday was GORGEOUS. The sky was a beautiful blue, the temperature only in the mid to high 70's, the sun was shining and there was a slight breeze blowing. Like I said, gorgeous. We headed out early, pretty much as soon as the gates were open and decided we wanted to see the shuttles first. Right now we have two shuttles on the pads. That doesn't happen often so I definitely wanted to take advantage of the great view. Apparently everyone else wanted the same thing. We crawled slowly through a line of cars towards the launch pads. All in all it took us 2 hours to make the maybe 10 mile round trip but it was so worth it. Here are some pictures we took during our drive. The shuttle on the left is Atlantis, the one on the right is Endeavour.


After seeing the shuttles, we walked through the VAB building. I've never been inside before and it seriously made me dizzy. I knew the building was huge but I just had no idea. The sign outside reminded me that the roof of the VAB covers 8 acres! HUGE! It was hard to look up to the ceiling and not have your palms get a little sweaty. There were some cool exhibits in there, including the beginning stages of the new spacecraft we're building. It was in pieces but still pretty neat to see.

After the space center tour, my parents, Joe and I went to a restaurant at Port Canaveral called Milligan's Reef. We ate outside on the deck overlooking the water, had a couple of beers and listened to the band. The food was really good but the atmosphere was amazing. The weather was still perfect and it made us all just want to hang out all day. But, we had to get home to feed our dogs so home we headed. Joe and I stayed home with the dogs for a little while then headed out to Orlando to pick up a few things we needed for our trip. We had a quick dinner and then came back home to relax.

Today was another gorgeous day. We got up early and got out the door by 9 to head up to New Smyrna Beach. We filled a cooler with some snacks and drinks and took the scenic route, up US1, with the windows down and the Jimmy Buffet blaring. We got to the beach early, before it got too crowded, and got a prime spot on the sand. It was a little chilly still so we took a walk up the beach to collect shells. By the time we got back to the truck, the crowd had gotten a little thicker and the sun was much warmer. So we turned on the radio and just enjoyed the sun and the sand and the waves. I love my pool, but there is something so relaxing about the beach. I think the sound of the waves must hypnotize me or something because I just get so happy at the beach. I was careful with the sunblock as I didn't want to get sun burnt before my trip. I did manage to get a little color though, the first of the season. I always love the sun kissed look on my face. It makes me look so much healthier and alive. We stayed at the beach for a couple of hours before our appetites got the best of us. We headed north to Daytona Beach and ate at one of our favorite restaurants. We've been calling it "The Down Under" for years now, not realizing the actual name of the restaurant is DJ's Deck. The restaurant next door is the "Down Under". Duh. But DJ's Deck is great. Picnic tables set up outside next to a little marina overlooking the inter coastal waterway. Perfection. We had some fish and shrimp and oysters... and a margarita for me, a Corona for Joe. It was great.

I'm sure you can see why I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I kind of wish I could extended this spectacular weekend. But, I guess I have to keep in mind that I only have to work 5 days before being off for 9! We are so looking forward to our trip. We decided that we are definitely going to the Grand Canyon. Joe found a deal on a Cadillac so we'll be riding there in style. My family was very sweet and pitched in to pay for my massage at the spa so now we have some extra money to spend somewhere else. We've talked about a few other things that we'd really like to do but no definite decisions yet. I think we're going to just get out there and see where the strip leads us. Once I get my laundry done I'll be taking pictures of what I'll be packing so you guys can critique my choices for me. Look forward to that soon! Have a great week!

Out of Ideas

Sorry for the lack of blogs lately. I just really don't have anything to talk about. Life is quite boring at the moment. Not that I mind, I'm actually quite enjoying the boring for a change. But, that leaves me with little to share with you here on the Internet.

Things are still pretty much still the same here. We are still undecided about our next step but we have started talking about ideas. I finally cried... hard. It was more of an anxiety-driven breakdown before Easter breakfast but I got myself out of bed and faced the world and I didn't die like I thought I would so I guess that's progress. I came across a quote by Reese Witherspoon that makes a lot of sense to me at the moment. I'm pretty sure she was describing her divorce but I think it translates well to what I'm going through. She said, "When people get in your face and say, 'This will pass,' you think, Are they crazy? I'm never gonna feel any better than I feel right this minute and nothing's ever gonna make sense again. And I still have moments where I'm like, Nothing's ever gonna make sense again." That's a pretty good summation of how I feel at the moment. I don't know if it'll ever make sense to me.

I did a little shopping over the weekend and it was nice. I got a bunch of stuff for our trip. I'm not quite sure how to put together my Vegas "fashion blog" that you all requested. I don't know if I should lay out the clothes and take pictures or if I should model them for you. I have lots of cute stuff to take with me. I got mostly casual things to walk around in during the day but got a couple of dresses too for nice dinners out. I booked my massage at Qua Spa in Caesar's Palace. It is a 75 minute Signature Stone Massage with Aromatherapy. I was planning on getting just the Stone Massage for 50 minutes, also the cheapest one they offered, but Joe talked me into booking the fancier one. It is quite a splurge, much more than I would ever normally spend on something so indulgent and selfish, but I am trying to take the advice of one of my work friends. He says I need to live by the L'Oreal philosophy of life, "I'm worth it". So, I'm trying to see things that way.

Other than the shopping trip I haven't been doing much. I prefer to spend my days in the safe little cocoon of my home, curled up on the couch with a book. I just finished re-reading Twilight. I know I keep saying it but I love the Twilight series! Even after reading it a second time I feel like I still need more. I'm going to continue to re-read the other 3 books in the series as well. I just hope I can hold off long enough so I'll have at least one book to take with me for the five hour flight to Vegas.

Anyway, I guess that's all for now. I'll keep you posted if anything interesting happens in the next few days but I wouldn't count on it.

Coming around

The past two weeks have been hell. I have not been myself lately and it has been kind of scary. I withdrew so far into myself that I didn't even feel "me" anymore. I've been a numb, hollow zombie. I honestly felt no joy in my heart. But worse than that, I felt nothing. No joy, no pain, nothing. I've just been existing. I still haven't really cried. There have been some tears here and there but nothing like I expected. Every time I've experienced the let down at the end of a failed cycle, there are always tears. This time I had none.

I've been debating whether or not to write this blog, to let you in on the pain. But, I figure I let you ride this roller coaster with me and you deserve to ride it to the end, no matter how much it sucks. I am starting to feel better. If not better, than at least more me. I'm actually able to smile at people and mean it. I don't have to fake happy for anyone. I started noticing the sunrises again and have allowed myself to listen to music that makes me happy. I've started looking in the mirror again and have been putting effort into getting ready. I'm still existing on my "comfort" diet but feel the urge to get back to eating healthier again.

I feel like the most devastating part of this is not the disappointment of a failed cycle. I've been there before, I know what that feels like, I know how to deal with that. The thing that is hardest for me to think about is the "what's next". I can't even go there without a lump rising in my throat. It is the scariest thing for me to think about right now because I honestly don't know what's next. I have no idea if I am strong enough to keep trying. I don't just want to keep throwing money and emotions at this problem if it is never going to work. I don't know if I can handle the ups and downs anymore. I bought a book about adoption but can't bring myself to start reading it. It just makes me sad. There are just so many "what-if's" right now that I can't even allow myself to really think about it because I'm afraid I'll have a nervous breakdown.

So those decisions have been put on hold for now. We have booked our trip to Las Vegas for April 26th-30th. We'll be staying at the Bellagio. I've already planned a spa day for myself on my actual birthday at Qua in Caesar's Palace and know that Joe and I will go out to a nice dinner that night. Other than those things we're kind of undecided on what else we'll do. We haven't ruled out the Grand Canyon but don't know if we'll be able to fit it in. I know we plan on at least one day at the pool. There is something about being on a lounge chair and having waiters bring me drinks that just screams happiness to me. We're both very excited to get away and have fun together. We want to break out of the sadness and really enjoy each other again.

One thing that has really been helping me deal with all this has been reading. I've jumped headfirst into Twilight mania and have gotten myself full-on obsessed. If you haven't read the Twilight series, go get the books now! They are so good! I've been getting lost in the books and reading for hours at a time. I've skipped dinners and could barely pull myself away long enough to take bathroom breaks. I finished the fourth, and final, book last night and already miss the characters so much. I'm pretty sure I'll start reading the series again to see if there is anything I missed. The books are so intense that I would start reading faster and faster just to get to what happened next. So, I'm sure there are parts that I skimmed a little too quickly. I am so in love with the books that I feel like I've turned into a 14 year old girl. I've been all over the Twilight fan sites looking for pictures of the cast, updates on the filming of the next movie, opinions on what happens once the books end, everything. It is crazy. I have no idea how I got so hooked but I am. I downloaded the soundtrack and can't wait to rent the movie again. I feel like such a nerd for even admitting all this but I feel like something this good can't be kept a secret. So, go get the books and start reading. I highly doubt you'll be disappointed.

I guess that's all for now. I hope you all have a great Easter.

I'm alive

Believe it or not, I've survived the worst possible outcome of my IVF. This outcome was actually worse than my "worst case scenario" because it involved another pregnancy loss. I know this one didn't last as long as my last but it still brought all the hope and joy that I hope will be real someday.

I still can't really put a finger on how I'm feeling. I haven't really cried yet. There have been a few tears here and there and an almost permanent lump in my throat but no sobbing yet. I keep waiting for it but it just hasn't happened. I've really been keeping myself occupied with "everything else" so maybe I just haven't given myself sufficient time to grieve yet. I'm sure it'll happen eventually. No need to rush it I suppose. I've mainly been avoiding everyone. I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to have to answer questions and see the sadness in everybody's eyes. I feel safer here on the blog. At least if I need a break here I can take it and come back later when I'm feeling better.

We honestly have no idea where we're going from here. We honestly haven't discussed our next steps. I think it is still way too early to think about it. I really want to get my doctor's perspective about what went wrong. I would specifically like to know if he thinks our embryos are the issue or if I have an issue with implantation. If we decide to keep pursuing a biological child I am definitely going to push for more testing. There obviously has to be something wrong. Considering the fact that it took two and a half years to conceive the first time, then losing it so early, then two more years to conceive again and another loss, there has to be a reason! Maybe several reasons. I don't know, but I'd like someone to figure it out.

The only decisions we've made thus far is a vacation. I'm almost positive we'll be going to Vegas at the end of the month. We're hoping to find cheaper air fare but, even if we don't, I think we're pretty set on the idea. Neither of us has ever been and I think it'll be nice for us to get away from it all and have some fun together. I think we're also going to sneak in a day trip to the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it and it's only a couple of hours from Vegas so we'll probably rent a car and head that way. I've never been further east than New Orleans so I'm really excited to see the different landscape and just a different part of the country.

I was thinking of taking a break from the blog while I sorted out my life but now that I have the vacation coming up I'll have something fun to talk about for a while. So, I'm sure the upcoming blogs will be heavy on the vacation planning. I'd love any tips from you Vegas pro's.

Not Pregnant

Those were the words glaring up at me from the digital pregnancy test I took this morning. I knew then today would be a bad day. My HCG numbers came back at 8.5 so, obviously, this is not a viable pregnancy. My instructions are to stop the progesterone and wait for a period. I'll get a letter from the doctor within a couple of weeks that will detail my cycle and tell me what he would do differently the next time. If there is a next time.

So far I'm very numb. The real emotions haven't hit me yet. I've just been distracting myself with everything else. Joe is very sad. I feel horrible that he is as sad as he is. I know this isn't my fault but if my crazy fucked up body would just do what it is supposed to do for a change he wouldn't be sad anymore. Life would be a whole lot easier if something would just click inside me and start doing what nature intends it to do. I would love to know what its like just to be normal. Not even extraordinary, just normal.

I really have no idea where we'll go from here. We've decided that we're going to use the $1500 we get from participating in the progesterone study to take a vacation. We want to go somewhere we can relax and just let it all go. I think we're going to try to go around my birthday. Two birds, one stone. I'm sure I'll keep you posted on what we decide. I appreciate everyone's well wishes over the last month. You guys have been a great support system.

I guess we have a lot of decisions to make now. But, I certainly don't plan on making them tonight. I brought a pizza home for dinner and I plan on taking a nice bath later. I'm sure the emotions will hit me at some point and I'll have to deal with it but right now I want to think of anything but what's happening.