Yeah, I've been a little busy. This past week and a half has been ROUGH! Joe went back to work full time last Monday and on Wednesday I was diagnosed with mastitis. It was a rough week.
I had a clogged duct in my left breast that got progressively worse. By Wednesday afternoon I had a fever, body aches, and a huge lump on my gigantically swollen and very red breast. I went in to the doctor and got started on antibiotics. Once I got home I basically slept for 24 hours straight. Joe came home from work early and took care of Evan almost all by himself while I recuperated. I only got out of bed to pump and to take my medicine. It was awful. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. And to make it worse, the only way to clear the clog was to continue pumping and massaging my breast. AWFUL. The pain was intense. I FINALLY cleared the clog on Sunday. The lump kept pulling up until it looked like I had a second nipple and finally when I was pumping it just exploded. It was so freaking nasty. And the stuff that came out was even nastier. I'm still pumping and trying to get the hole to close up but I am a million times better than I was. Now hopefully I'll be able to get my supply up again and get Evan back to only breast milk.
Other than the adventures with my boobs, things have been going pretty well. Evan is doing great. He had his 4 week doctor appointment yesterday and is up to 9.6 pounds and 22" long! My little piglet. He's little wiener is healing up really nicely and he's sometimes starting to smile at us when talk to him. I'm still trying to figure out his cries and when he wants what but I think we're getting better. I took him out to Target by myself today and he started melting down. I ended up carrying him while pushing the stroller and managing to pick up everything on my list. I was very impressed with myself. It was honestly my first, "I'm really a mom", moment. I guess I just felt capable for once. Most of the time I feel like a bumbling idiot. I know it'll take time to build up my confidence but you know how hard I am on myself!
As you can tell the blogs will most likely be fewer and farther between. I don't have as much time to play on the internet that I used to. Imagine that! When he sleeps I try to pump or wash bottles or clothes or just veg out for a few. But, I'll try to jump on whenever I can.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Eat.Sleep.Poop
Forget Eat Pray Love, around these parts lately it's all about Eat Sleep Poop. Life with baby Evan is exhausting. My mom tried to warn me that baby's parts normally don't wear in until about two weeks. Then their lungs are good and able to scream. Well, I think Evan's parts are warn in now.
It's actually not that bad. He really only screams if he's hungry or gassy. But, man, when he screams watch out! I think he's inherited the Skinner "don't fuck with me when I'm hungry" gene because when he gets hungry he gets pissed. He goes from sleeping like an angel to screaming bloody murder in 1.2 seconds. It's very intimidating.
Evan also had his first big male right of passage this week. He was circumcised on Friday. It was way more traumatic for Joe and me than it was for him. Handing him over to a nurse and having to wait in the waiting room for 25 minutes was torture. Then seeing his poor little wiener for the first time was even worse. The ultimate freak out came 24 hours later when we had to take the gauze off. There was blood and he was screaming, probably more from hunger than pain, I was holding his legs down while Joe was trying to figure out the bleeding and get Vaseline on him. Those cries made my stomach do somersaults and waiting two minutes for the doctor to call back to explain the bleeding was a nightmare. But, apparently all of that is perfectly normal. Ha. We didn't ask the doctor if it's normal for the parents to have half a heart attack after a circumcision. We survived though.
Our big challenge now is trying to get his sleeping pattern switched around to normal human sleep patterns. He likes to take long naps during the day which is great for me to nap and take showers and get stuff done but then he's wide awake from about 8-midnight. After we feed him and change him he just wants to be up hanging out while Joe and I want nothing more than to go to bed. At night he usually sleeps for a three to four hour stretch which isn't so bad. But now that I'm pumping instead of breast feeding there is a lot more work for me. After I heat up a bottle and change him and feed him and rock him to sleep and get him in his crib and make sure he's going to STAY asleep then I have to go pump and wash the pump parts and bottles. So his three hour stretch of sleep is more like 2 hours for me. I just don't know how to get him to stay awake during the day. Any advice?
I think we're going to head out to Target today and put some of our gift cards to good use. I want to get Evan an activity mat that we can do tummy time on during the day. He's been doing it on a blanket on the couch and he's doing really well holding his head up but I think he might enjoy a play mat a little more. While he's awake I'm trying to do little activities with him like tummy time or we'll read a book or we'll just hang out and talk. It's so fun just staring into his little eyes and having him stare back while I talk to him. I want to get out the Baby Bjorn and start wearing him around the house. It might help me get some more stuff accomplished while also keeping him close. I'm not sure if he's big enough for it yet. We'll have to try it out and see!
Anyway, that's all that's going on for now. We had newborn photos done at our house last Sunday and I'm DYING to see the proofs. The photographer did such an amazing job I can't wait to see how the actual pictures turned out. I will definitely share when they come in!
It's actually not that bad. He really only screams if he's hungry or gassy. But, man, when he screams watch out! I think he's inherited the Skinner "don't fuck with me when I'm hungry" gene because when he gets hungry he gets pissed. He goes from sleeping like an angel to screaming bloody murder in 1.2 seconds. It's very intimidating.
Evan also had his first big male right of passage this week. He was circumcised on Friday. It was way more traumatic for Joe and me than it was for him. Handing him over to a nurse and having to wait in the waiting room for 25 minutes was torture. Then seeing his poor little wiener for the first time was even worse. The ultimate freak out came 24 hours later when we had to take the gauze off. There was blood and he was screaming, probably more from hunger than pain, I was holding his legs down while Joe was trying to figure out the bleeding and get Vaseline on him. Those cries made my stomach do somersaults and waiting two minutes for the doctor to call back to explain the bleeding was a nightmare. But, apparently all of that is perfectly normal. Ha. We didn't ask the doctor if it's normal for the parents to have half a heart attack after a circumcision. We survived though.
Our big challenge now is trying to get his sleeping pattern switched around to normal human sleep patterns. He likes to take long naps during the day which is great for me to nap and take showers and get stuff done but then he's wide awake from about 8-midnight. After we feed him and change him he just wants to be up hanging out while Joe and I want nothing more than to go to bed. At night he usually sleeps for a three to four hour stretch which isn't so bad. But now that I'm pumping instead of breast feeding there is a lot more work for me. After I heat up a bottle and change him and feed him and rock him to sleep and get him in his crib and make sure he's going to STAY asleep then I have to go pump and wash the pump parts and bottles. So his three hour stretch of sleep is more like 2 hours for me. I just don't know how to get him to stay awake during the day. Any advice?
I think we're going to head out to Target today and put some of our gift cards to good use. I want to get Evan an activity mat that we can do tummy time on during the day. He's been doing it on a blanket on the couch and he's doing really well holding his head up but I think he might enjoy a play mat a little more. While he's awake I'm trying to do little activities with him like tummy time or we'll read a book or we'll just hang out and talk. It's so fun just staring into his little eyes and having him stare back while I talk to him. I want to get out the Baby Bjorn and start wearing him around the house. It might help me get some more stuff accomplished while also keeping him close. I'm not sure if he's big enough for it yet. We'll have to try it out and see!
Anyway, that's all that's going on for now. We had newborn photos done at our house last Sunday and I'm DYING to see the proofs. The photographer did such an amazing job I can't wait to see how the actual pictures turned out. I will definitely share when they come in!
Friday, August 13, 2010
My first week as a mom
Well, I guess technically my first 10 days as a mom. I've quickly discovered that time flies with a baby in the house. I've been thinking of this post for a couple of days wanting to recoup the things that I've learned in my first week as a mom because the learning curve has been intense.
1. That breast feeding can hurt as much as child birth. I am really committed to breast feeding Evan and had heard from everyone how hard it was and how much it hurt but I guess I was still surprised how bad it really was. My nipples are a wreck, Evan fights me when I try to latch him, and loves to comfort suck... for hours. I've been leaning on the lactation consultant the hospital provides free of charge and she has been great. When she saw the state of my nipples she gave me a nipple shield which helped with the pain but made it harder for Evan to get the milk. At my second appointment we realized that even after hours of feeding him the day before, Evan hadn't gained any weight, and that's a problem. She also, after seeing how terrible my right nipple looks, wanted me to stop nursing on that side all together and only to pump it for now. So now I'm feeding Evan on the left boob then giving him a bottle with the milk I can pump from the right. It's exhausting and very frustrating.
2. The art of the speed shower... and how after being covered in dried breast milk, sweat, and overall stankiness that three minute shower can feel like a trip to the day spa. Some hot water, a little Dove beauty bar and some deodorant can make all the difference in the world.
3. How to eat left handed with a baby hooked to my boob. I was so desperate for a meal the other day I had to learn this trick. Little did I know that having a baby would make me ambidextrous.
4. That the world of celebrity gossip does not stop turning because I don't check in on it five times a day. I've barely been able to get on the computer let alone spend time browsing the internet. I haven't died yet from not constantly being tuned into the pulse of the celeb gossip world.
5. Dog hair tumbleweeds down my hallway won't kill me. Even if I wanted to clean, I wouldn't have time. Joe vacuumed quickly yesterday but before that it was like a dog fur rug down our hallway. I've managed a couple of emergency loads of laundry, mostly because Evan pooped on both of his changing table pads, and I've managed to get some dishes loaded into the dishwasher but that's about it. Oh well. Let's just hope Evan isn't allergic to dust or dog hair.
Things are hectic but going well. Evan is doing great. Joe and I are learning how to care for him everyday. We're going to be getting some newborn photos taken on Sunday and will hopefully be sending out birth announcements soon. Life at home with baby has been challenging but amazing. He's gorgeous and makes me smile every time I look at him and I can't wait to see what he's going to do everyday.
1. That breast feeding can hurt as much as child birth. I am really committed to breast feeding Evan and had heard from everyone how hard it was and how much it hurt but I guess I was still surprised how bad it really was. My nipples are a wreck, Evan fights me when I try to latch him, and loves to comfort suck... for hours. I've been leaning on the lactation consultant the hospital provides free of charge and she has been great. When she saw the state of my nipples she gave me a nipple shield which helped with the pain but made it harder for Evan to get the milk. At my second appointment we realized that even after hours of feeding him the day before, Evan hadn't gained any weight, and that's a problem. She also, after seeing how terrible my right nipple looks, wanted me to stop nursing on that side all together and only to pump it for now. So now I'm feeding Evan on the left boob then giving him a bottle with the milk I can pump from the right. It's exhausting and very frustrating.
2. The art of the speed shower... and how after being covered in dried breast milk, sweat, and overall stankiness that three minute shower can feel like a trip to the day spa. Some hot water, a little Dove beauty bar and some deodorant can make all the difference in the world.
3. How to eat left handed with a baby hooked to my boob. I was so desperate for a meal the other day I had to learn this trick. Little did I know that having a baby would make me ambidextrous.
4. That the world of celebrity gossip does not stop turning because I don't check in on it five times a day. I've barely been able to get on the computer let alone spend time browsing the internet. I haven't died yet from not constantly being tuned into the pulse of the celeb gossip world.
5. Dog hair tumbleweeds down my hallway won't kill me. Even if I wanted to clean, I wouldn't have time. Joe vacuumed quickly yesterday but before that it was like a dog fur rug down our hallway. I've managed a couple of emergency loads of laundry, mostly because Evan pooped on both of his changing table pads, and I've managed to get some dishes loaded into the dishwasher but that's about it. Oh well. Let's just hope Evan isn't allergic to dust or dog hair.
Things are hectic but going well. Evan is doing great. Joe and I are learning how to care for him everyday. We're going to be getting some newborn photos taken on Sunday and will hopefully be sending out birth announcements soon. Life at home with baby has been challenging but amazing. He's gorgeous and makes me smile every time I look at him and I can't wait to see what he's going to do everyday.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Evan's Arrival
Our little boy is finally here! Joe and I are so overjoyed with this new little man in our lives. We're tired but doing well. Evan has a great appetite is doing really well with breast feeding. We are really loving and enjoying every new face or sound or movement that he makes.
Evan's journey into the world was a long and frustrating one but was worth every second.
Being a momma tired of being pregnant and having a baby showing no signs of budging I agreed to an induction. The whole time I was pregnant I preached that the baby would come when he was ready. I had no idea how stressful that last week of waiting would be and how uncomfortable I would be. So, after talking to my doctor about my chances for delivering vaginally with an induction, I decided to go for it.
Joe and I got up bright and early Monday morning, August 2nd with hopes of meeting our baby by the end of the day. We got checked in to our room and got comfortable. The nurse checked me when we got there and I was still at 3cm dilated. She started me on Pitocin at 7am and we settled in to wait. The first few hours were pretty boring. I was having contractions but they weren't regular or painful. Even though I was hooked to the fetal monitors and had an IV in I was still able to move around the room and go to the bathroom. As the contractions got a little stronger I was able to use the birthing ball to ease the pain. Joe was great and was there to massage my back and just stand and rock with me to help me get through some of the more painful contractions.
As the day continued and the contractions got a little stronger I thought that I had to be making some good progress. I got checked around dinner time and was still at 3cm dilated. Talk about being devastated! My cervix had thinned out a lot more and the baby's head was much lower but no dilation. I decided shortly after that to get some Nubain to take the edge off the contractions. I got the shot and laid down to take a nap. As I was laying on my side in the bed I felt and heard a "pop" and then a huge gush between my legs. It was the strangest thing. I popped up in bed and said, "my water just broke". I wasn't quite sure what to do. I didn't know if I should move or stay still or what so I just laid there in a half stupor. The nurse came in and helped me get situated and told me the contractions would start picking up. Holy hell did they ever!
Within minutes of my water breaking the contractions started to get intense. The nurse told me the anesthesiologist was next door doing an epidural if I wanted to go ahead and get one. I initially refused but within five minutes I had changed my mind. I got these really intense shakes that would not stop and the contractions were so painful. The nurse checked me and I was at 4cm. A little progress to celebrate. As soon as the anesthesiologist was done next door he came over to do my epidural. I was so afraid that I wasn't going to be able to stop shaking long enough for him to get it in. The nurse sent everyone out of the room and I was somehow able to sit still during the procedure.
The epidural was very strange. It was so weird to not be able to feel my legs. I was a little uneasy with it. But, the worst part was that it was too strong and caused my blood pressure to drop really low. I have low blood pressure anyway but I was dipping to like 80/60. I got really nauseous and started throwing up too. The nurse had to call the anesthesiologist back in the room to adjust the epidural. He turned it down which helped regulate my blood pressure and stop the nausea and vomiting but the side effect to that was that I was able to feel more. I was okay with it though. It actually made me feel a little more comfortable to have SOME feeling in my legs and to be able to move them. I was feeling the contractions at the top of my stomach up near my right ribs but it wasn't too intense.
Joe and I settled in to wait some more and I tried to nap again. The nurse came in and checked me around 9:30 and I was STILL at 4cm. I was so frustrated and disappointed and just KNEW I was going to end up with a c-section. The nurse told me that my cervix was still making progress getting thinner and the baby was getting lower but that still wasn't enough to make me feel better. But we tried to relax and stay positive and both settled in to sleep.
Around midnight I woke up with a lot of pressure down there. It felt like I had to pee really badly but I had a catheter in at that point and knew that couldn't be it. I was also feeling the contractions more and was getting pretty uncomfortable. I tried to blow it off and go back to sleep but the pressure got more and more intense. I called the nurse and told her what was going on and she came in to check me. By the time she got in my room I was having to really concentrate and breathe through the contractions. She checked me and I was at 5cm and completely effaced. I asked her if they could turn the epidural back up. She had to call the anesthesiologist in from home which I felt bad about for maybe 2.3 seconds because those contractions were so bad that I didn't care if she had to call him in from his own funeral, I just wanted some relief.
While we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back the contractions got really, really hard to get through. I was concentrating and breathing through each one. The nurse saw how much pain I was in and checked me again and I was already at 8cm! This was like 15 minutes after telling me I was at 5cm. She told Joe to go ahead and call my mom back in and started moving the room around and getting it ready for delivery! I was in shock. To have not made any progress all day and then to be progressing so quickly was crazy. I couldn't believe that I was going to be having a baby soon.
The anesthesiologist came back and turned my epidural back up which made a huge difference in how I felt. By the time he gave me the first bolus of medication I was able to joke with him about "turning it up to 11". He really enjoyed the Spinal Tap reference. He and the nurse monitored me for a few minutes and my blood pressure seemed stable so they left me to rest. About a half an hour later I started to feel nauseous again and was worried about my blood pressure. I called the nurse and told her what was going on. She checked my blood pressure and said it was fine but said that as you get closer to delivery you can sometimes get nauseous. By this time the doctor had made it in and came in to check me. I was completely shocked when she said I was fully dilated and the baby's head was at plus 3 station, meaning he was right there.
The nurse started to get me ready to push and I was worried because my mom hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. But, we weren't waiting. We got set up and the nurse explained the pushing process and on the contraction we were going to start. My mom showed up just in time to start the pushing.
The pushing was out of control! Seriously, oh my God. That shit hurt so freaking bad. Actually, the pushing didn't hurt. I actually felt a lot of relief from the pushing but the in between pushing was horrible. Having to wait for the next contraction was so hard. There was so much pain and pressure that I really just wanted to die. I said several times that I couldn't/didn't want to do it anymore, questioned my desire for a vaginal delivery, and begged for a c-section. All to no avail. The nurse who was there with me was great and really calm but kept trying to make conversation during the wait times. I kept thinking, I wish she would just shut the fuck up. And any time my mom talked I would shush her. And I wouldn't let Joe touch me at all. I got really, really hot and started ripping my hospital gown off so the nurse got a little fan for Joe to point at me and it was like the best breeze I'd ever felt in my life.
I pushed for about an hour total and was just so determined to get the baby out that I was willing to just keep pushing even when I wasn't having a contraction. It just felt better to push. The nurse said I was getting really close and called the doctor in for the last little bit so I knew the end had to be getting near. I was basically laying flat on my back so I couldn't see anything but I could tell in Joe's voice that we were getting close to the end. He was counting and telling me how good I was doing. Then I could feel the baby's head coming out. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like my vagina was ripping open. But once it was out I felt so much better already. I had to hold while the doctor suctioned the baby's mouth and then I pushed one more time and felt his whole body come out. It was a very strange feeling. The doctor did a little more suctioning and then plopped him up on my belly.
I can't even describe the feeling of seeing my baby for the first time. It was a little shock and disbelief that I was holding something that was just inside of me. It was also just so amazing to see his face and to see him moving and breathing and looking around. They left him on my belly for a couple of minutes, let Joe cut the cord and then took him over to get checked out. I delivered the placenta and the doctor had to stitch up a little tear that I'd gotten. After they got Evan cleaned up they brought him back to me and let me hold him on my skin. We tried to breast feed right away but he wasn't quite ready to latch yet. So I just held him and Joe and I just stared at him. It was amazing.
I honestly still cannot believe that I had a baby. I'm still really sore but coping pretty well. I don't know that I'd like to go through this again any time soon. I think I have a little post traumatic stress. LOL But I am so in love with Evan. He just makes me smile every time I look at him. His official stats were 8 pounds 3 ounces 20 inches long born at 3:07am on 8/3/10.
Evan's journey into the world was a long and frustrating one but was worth every second.
Being a momma tired of being pregnant and having a baby showing no signs of budging I agreed to an induction. The whole time I was pregnant I preached that the baby would come when he was ready. I had no idea how stressful that last week of waiting would be and how uncomfortable I would be. So, after talking to my doctor about my chances for delivering vaginally with an induction, I decided to go for it.
Joe and I got up bright and early Monday morning, August 2nd with hopes of meeting our baby by the end of the day. We got checked in to our room and got comfortable. The nurse checked me when we got there and I was still at 3cm dilated. She started me on Pitocin at 7am and we settled in to wait. The first few hours were pretty boring. I was having contractions but they weren't regular or painful. Even though I was hooked to the fetal monitors and had an IV in I was still able to move around the room and go to the bathroom. As the contractions got a little stronger I was able to use the birthing ball to ease the pain. Joe was great and was there to massage my back and just stand and rock with me to help me get through some of the more painful contractions.
As the day continued and the contractions got a little stronger I thought that I had to be making some good progress. I got checked around dinner time and was still at 3cm dilated. Talk about being devastated! My cervix had thinned out a lot more and the baby's head was much lower but no dilation. I decided shortly after that to get some Nubain to take the edge off the contractions. I got the shot and laid down to take a nap. As I was laying on my side in the bed I felt and heard a "pop" and then a huge gush between my legs. It was the strangest thing. I popped up in bed and said, "my water just broke". I wasn't quite sure what to do. I didn't know if I should move or stay still or what so I just laid there in a half stupor. The nurse came in and helped me get situated and told me the contractions would start picking up. Holy hell did they ever!
Within minutes of my water breaking the contractions started to get intense. The nurse told me the anesthesiologist was next door doing an epidural if I wanted to go ahead and get one. I initially refused but within five minutes I had changed my mind. I got these really intense shakes that would not stop and the contractions were so painful. The nurse checked me and I was at 4cm. A little progress to celebrate. As soon as the anesthesiologist was done next door he came over to do my epidural. I was so afraid that I wasn't going to be able to stop shaking long enough for him to get it in. The nurse sent everyone out of the room and I was somehow able to sit still during the procedure.
The epidural was very strange. It was so weird to not be able to feel my legs. I was a little uneasy with it. But, the worst part was that it was too strong and caused my blood pressure to drop really low. I have low blood pressure anyway but I was dipping to like 80/60. I got really nauseous and started throwing up too. The nurse had to call the anesthesiologist back in the room to adjust the epidural. He turned it down which helped regulate my blood pressure and stop the nausea and vomiting but the side effect to that was that I was able to feel more. I was okay with it though. It actually made me feel a little more comfortable to have SOME feeling in my legs and to be able to move them. I was feeling the contractions at the top of my stomach up near my right ribs but it wasn't too intense.
Joe and I settled in to wait some more and I tried to nap again. The nurse came in and checked me around 9:30 and I was STILL at 4cm. I was so frustrated and disappointed and just KNEW I was going to end up with a c-section. The nurse told me that my cervix was still making progress getting thinner and the baby was getting lower but that still wasn't enough to make me feel better. But we tried to relax and stay positive and both settled in to sleep.
Around midnight I woke up with a lot of pressure down there. It felt like I had to pee really badly but I had a catheter in at that point and knew that couldn't be it. I was also feeling the contractions more and was getting pretty uncomfortable. I tried to blow it off and go back to sleep but the pressure got more and more intense. I called the nurse and told her what was going on and she came in to check me. By the time she got in my room I was having to really concentrate and breathe through the contractions. She checked me and I was at 5cm and completely effaced. I asked her if they could turn the epidural back up. She had to call the anesthesiologist in from home which I felt bad about for maybe 2.3 seconds because those contractions were so bad that I didn't care if she had to call him in from his own funeral, I just wanted some relief.
While we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to come back the contractions got really, really hard to get through. I was concentrating and breathing through each one. The nurse saw how much pain I was in and checked me again and I was already at 8cm! This was like 15 minutes after telling me I was at 5cm. She told Joe to go ahead and call my mom back in and started moving the room around and getting it ready for delivery! I was in shock. To have not made any progress all day and then to be progressing so quickly was crazy. I couldn't believe that I was going to be having a baby soon.
The anesthesiologist came back and turned my epidural back up which made a huge difference in how I felt. By the time he gave me the first bolus of medication I was able to joke with him about "turning it up to 11". He really enjoyed the Spinal Tap reference. He and the nurse monitored me for a few minutes and my blood pressure seemed stable so they left me to rest. About a half an hour later I started to feel nauseous again and was worried about my blood pressure. I called the nurse and told her what was going on. She checked my blood pressure and said it was fine but said that as you get closer to delivery you can sometimes get nauseous. By this time the doctor had made it in and came in to check me. I was completely shocked when she said I was fully dilated and the baby's head was at plus 3 station, meaning he was right there.
The nurse started to get me ready to push and I was worried because my mom hadn't made it back to the hospital yet. But, we weren't waiting. We got set up and the nurse explained the pushing process and on the contraction we were going to start. My mom showed up just in time to start the pushing.
The pushing was out of control! Seriously, oh my God. That shit hurt so freaking bad. Actually, the pushing didn't hurt. I actually felt a lot of relief from the pushing but the in between pushing was horrible. Having to wait for the next contraction was so hard. There was so much pain and pressure that I really just wanted to die. I said several times that I couldn't/didn't want to do it anymore, questioned my desire for a vaginal delivery, and begged for a c-section. All to no avail. The nurse who was there with me was great and really calm but kept trying to make conversation during the wait times. I kept thinking, I wish she would just shut the fuck up. And any time my mom talked I would shush her. And I wouldn't let Joe touch me at all. I got really, really hot and started ripping my hospital gown off so the nurse got a little fan for Joe to point at me and it was like the best breeze I'd ever felt in my life.
I pushed for about an hour total and was just so determined to get the baby out that I was willing to just keep pushing even when I wasn't having a contraction. It just felt better to push. The nurse said I was getting really close and called the doctor in for the last little bit so I knew the end had to be getting near. I was basically laying flat on my back so I couldn't see anything but I could tell in Joe's voice that we were getting close to the end. He was counting and telling me how good I was doing. Then I could feel the baby's head coming out. I'm not gonna lie, it felt like my vagina was ripping open. But once it was out I felt so much better already. I had to hold while the doctor suctioned the baby's mouth and then I pushed one more time and felt his whole body come out. It was a very strange feeling. The doctor did a little more suctioning and then plopped him up on my belly.
I can't even describe the feeling of seeing my baby for the first time. It was a little shock and disbelief that I was holding something that was just inside of me. It was also just so amazing to see his face and to see him moving and breathing and looking around. They left him on my belly for a couple of minutes, let Joe cut the cord and then took him over to get checked out. I delivered the placenta and the doctor had to stitch up a little tear that I'd gotten. After they got Evan cleaned up they brought him back to me and let me hold him on my skin. We tried to breast feed right away but he wasn't quite ready to latch yet. So I just held him and Joe and I just stared at him. It was amazing.
I honestly still cannot believe that I had a baby. I'm still really sore but coping pretty well. I don't know that I'd like to go through this again any time soon. I think I have a little post traumatic stress. LOL But I am so in love with Evan. He just makes me smile every time I look at him. His official stats were 8 pounds 3 ounces 20 inches long born at 3:07am on 8/3/10.
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