I'm pretty sure you have all heard by now that Joe and I are expecting. I think it came as a shock to all of you, but you have no idea how shocked we are. We weren't trying. Not that we were preventing, we haven't prevented since we got married, but we weren't trying or seeking treatment. Yup, for the first time in six years we got pregnant naturally. Crazy!
Since we weren't trying or keeping track of anything, I really don't know how far along I am. My last period was over 50 days ago so when the doctors look at their "wheel" they estimate I'm 8 weeks along. But, I have to remind them that I'm not normal and don't fit the parameters on their "wheel". For the last six months, my cycles have been anywhere from 33-65 days. So the fact that I hadn't had a period in over 50 days really didn't mean anything to me. In fact, it was well within my "normal" range. By my best estimation, I'm probably in the 5-6 week range.
The story of how we discovered this isn't all that exciting. Last Friday I had some brown spotting. I thought I was finally getting my period. But the spotting was very light, didn't even fill a pantyliner, and went away by the end of the day. Then my boobs started getting really sore. I still thought that my period was on the way and I kept running to the bathroom expecting to see it. But it never came. I was also REALLY moody. Like even more than normal. Borderline crazy. And I was ravenous. I remember that happening to me with my first pregnancy. On Monday I started adding up the symptoms and asked Joe what he thought. We both kind of blew it off thinking that it would never be possible. But, for our peace of mind, we went ahead and got a pregnancy test.
The line came up immediately. I mean, before the test even processed to the control line, the positive line was there and dark. My first reaction was that I had a defective test. I've never seen the positive line show up that fast and thought my control line was in the wrong place. Then the control line came up. I. Almost. Died. I whipped open the bathroom door and Joe could tell by the look on my face that it was positive. He came into the bathroom to look for himself. With everything we've been through, our reaction wasn't the normal reaction to a positive pregnancy test. We both kind of had an "oh no, here we go again" reaction. Because for us, a positive pregnancy test usually ends up breaking our hearts. But we laughed and cried and hugged and celebrated something that we've never been able to celebrate before. An honest to goodness surprise pregnancy.
I was able to get in for a blood test and my numbers, at this point, are very good. The doctor likes to see HCG levels of at least 100. Mine was 1152! With my other two pregnancies, I never had a number over 105. So it made me feel better to see such a high number. I don't have a real doctor's appointment until Monday and I hope they'll schedule me for an ultrasound as soon as possible. I really, really want to see that heartbeat! I think once I see it I'll feel a million times better. I'm just so scared that something is going to go wrong. I hold my breath every time I go to the bathroom, afraid that I'll be bleeding. I analyze every little symptom and try to figure out if it is "enough" for me to really be pregnant. I don't know how to shake that scared feeling.
I attribute this pregnancy 100% to my new healthy lifestyle. I think the diet and exercise helped me ovulate. I kind of wish someone would've told me to do this a long time ago. Not that I would've listened, but still. You'd think the doctor would encourage me to lose weight and get healthy before subjecting my body to so many invasive tests and procedures. But, they don't get paid to be weight loss consultants I guess.
At this point we're maintaining a cautiously optimistic attitude. We really want to be happy and enjoy this time in our lives but are still carrying around the memories of our losses. We both feel much better this time around than we have with any of the others. We feel that since this one happened on it's own and wasn't done synthetically that maybe it is stronger than the others were. Maybe the best of the best from both of us finally got together and have made our baby. That's what we're hoping for anyway.
I will keep you posted after my first appointment on Monday. Thank you all so much for all the kind words and well wishes you've sent our way. It means a lot that our baby already has so many people that love him/her.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Giving Thanks
I complain a lot around here. I complain about how hard life can be, how things don't go my way, how I don't have enough of this or that. It's so easy to remember what I don't have because it's always right there staring me in the face. It's much harder to stop for a second, take a look around and be thankful for what I do have. I know this is so mushy and cliche at Thanksgiving but if I don't do it now, when will I ever do it? These are the things I'm thankful for today...
My home. I often complain that it's not big enough or it's too old or I don't have enough closet space. But, my home is warm and inviting and cozy and when I walk through the door at the end of the day I let out a sigh of relief that I am back in my safe little cocoon.
My job. Yes it's hard and yes it's overwhelming but I have a great job. In a time where many don't have jobs at all, I take mine for granted. I am a part, albeit a small one, of our country's space program and I get to see things on a daily basis that a lot of people will never see in their lives. I have health insurance and a 401k and my own little office.
My mother. God she knows just how to drive me nuts. She says the wrong things and doesn't always know when to not say anything but she's here. She's making an effort to be a part of my life and is there to support me when I need her.
My husband. I get annoyed with how slow he drives and how he doesn't load the dishwasher the right way and plays his video games too loud but he's here, with me. I never have to wonder if he's out at the bar or driving home drunk. And he's helping me! He does the dishes and helps with dinner and if I ask him to do something he will. He wants what's best for me and will sacrifice for himself so I can have what is best.
My dogs. They love to eat my cork coasters and it pisses me off. They also still pee on the floor sometimes. It drives me nuts when they pull during their walks. But, I don't know what I'd do without them. I am so glad that I get to see their sweet faces when I get home or reach over in the middle of the night and snuggle with them. They make me laugh and comfort me when I'm sad. They are the epitome of joyful living.
My health. I stand in front of the mirror every morning while I'm waiting for the shower to heat up and pinch all the flabby areas on my body. I love to pull and manipulate the flab so I can see what I'd look like if I lost that particular fat roll. But, I've come a long way this year in terms of my health. I have changed my life for the better. I am proud of how strong my body has become and how much better I feel.
My family and friends. It's hard to keep in touch. Everyone has their own life going on and we all get busy and forget to stop and say hello. With all the blogging and email and facebook, we get accustomed to see what's going on with everybody in short little blurbs and updates. But even though all we're getting are short little blurbs at a time, we are keeping up with each other. I don't know many people that can say they talk to their cousins or aunts on an almost daily basis. We're connected and we're supportive of each other.
There are a million other things in life that I am thankful for but right now these are the ones that are at the front of my mind. I know once a year isn't enough to remember all the things we're thankful for but it's a start. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday filled with friends and family. I hope that you create memories that will last a lifetime.
My home. I often complain that it's not big enough or it's too old or I don't have enough closet space. But, my home is warm and inviting and cozy and when I walk through the door at the end of the day I let out a sigh of relief that I am back in my safe little cocoon.
My job. Yes it's hard and yes it's overwhelming but I have a great job. In a time where many don't have jobs at all, I take mine for granted. I am a part, albeit a small one, of our country's space program and I get to see things on a daily basis that a lot of people will never see in their lives. I have health insurance and a 401k and my own little office.
My mother. God she knows just how to drive me nuts. She says the wrong things and doesn't always know when to not say anything but she's here. She's making an effort to be a part of my life and is there to support me when I need her.
My husband. I get annoyed with how slow he drives and how he doesn't load the dishwasher the right way and plays his video games too loud but he's here, with me. I never have to wonder if he's out at the bar or driving home drunk. And he's helping me! He does the dishes and helps with dinner and if I ask him to do something he will. He wants what's best for me and will sacrifice for himself so I can have what is best.
My dogs. They love to eat my cork coasters and it pisses me off. They also still pee on the floor sometimes. It drives me nuts when they pull during their walks. But, I don't know what I'd do without them. I am so glad that I get to see their sweet faces when I get home or reach over in the middle of the night and snuggle with them. They make me laugh and comfort me when I'm sad. They are the epitome of joyful living.
My health. I stand in front of the mirror every morning while I'm waiting for the shower to heat up and pinch all the flabby areas on my body. I love to pull and manipulate the flab so I can see what I'd look like if I lost that particular fat roll. But, I've come a long way this year in terms of my health. I have changed my life for the better. I am proud of how strong my body has become and how much better I feel.
My family and friends. It's hard to keep in touch. Everyone has their own life going on and we all get busy and forget to stop and say hello. With all the blogging and email and facebook, we get accustomed to see what's going on with everybody in short little blurbs and updates. But even though all we're getting are short little blurbs at a time, we are keeping up with each other. I don't know many people that can say they talk to their cousins or aunts on an almost daily basis. We're connected and we're supportive of each other.
There are a million other things in life that I am thankful for but right now these are the ones that are at the front of my mind. I know once a year isn't enough to remember all the things we're thankful for but it's a start. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday filled with friends and family. I hope that you create memories that will last a lifetime.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Vanity Sizing
You've heard of vanity sizing right? It's the trend sweeping clothing stores to put smaller sizes on bigger clothes. The idea is that if you fit into a smaller size, you'll feel better about yourself and will buy more clothes. They are essentially making profit off playing into our emotions and our desire to be thin. Well, they caught me... hook, line, and sinker.
I finally got a tape measure this weekend and took my body measurements. As you know, I didn't take my measurements when I started dieting. But, I did pull out an old sheet of measurements from a consultation with my trainer from way back in February 2008. The results are pretty incredible. When I started this diet I was four pounds heavier than I was at that consultation so I figure the numbers must be pretty close. So, since then, I have lost 5 inches off my waist, 5 inches off my bust, and 7 inches off my hips!!!! I consider those pretty amazing accomplishments.
Why is any of this important? Because I am trying to learn my new body and figure out what size and styles compliment it best. I was actually very surprised by my new measurements (33-27-37) and what it meant for my body type. I've always considered myself an hourglass figure... defined waist, hips and bust about the same size. Turns out, I'm now a pear shape. Who knew?! Also, it turns out that I was WAY wrong on my bra size. Pre-diet I was in a 36C. Now, according to my measurements, I should be in a 34A!! I mean, I knew they'd gotten a lot smaller but I never thought I'd be an A. It really doesn't matter, I was just very shocked.
So where does the vanity sizing issue come in? I've been getting kind of frustrated because I don't really know what size I wear. I've steadily been buying new clothes as the weight comes off and have been celebrating every new size down along the way. But, just as I'm celebrating the new smaller size at one store, I have to go back up a size or two at the next store. Then I feel foolish for bragging about first size. I thought the measurements would help me pinpoint my actual size but all it's left me is more frustrated.
Apparently, it's not me... it's them. The clothing designers and the companies that play on my desire to wear a smaller size. For instance, this weekend I went to one of my favorite stores for work clothes, NY & Company. I think I know now why I love them so much. As of yesterday at NY & Co. I wore a size 4. Shocking right?! It was to me. And very suspicious too. So I went on their website to look at their size chart. Turns out, I fall right into the size 4 size guidelines. But I don't think I look like what a size 4 person looks like so I checked out a couple more websites to see if my speculations about vanity sizing were correct. Low and behold, I was right. According to American Eagle's size charts I'm a 6, chickdowntown.com- an 8, and bluefly.com- an 8/10. Different sizes for the same measurements.
Now, it doesn't really matter what size I end up in; I'll buy whatever fits. But, it would be nice to not have to look up size charts for every store I walk into so I know what size will fit me. And I know that no matter what size it said on the labels of all those pairs of NY & Co work pants, I needed pants that fit me at that moment. But it kind of pisses me off that I was so gullible to believe their sizes were correct.
The moral of this story is- ignore the label. Because who knows who is deciding what number to put on it. Figure out what your body type is and buy what fits.
I finally got a tape measure this weekend and took my body measurements. As you know, I didn't take my measurements when I started dieting. But, I did pull out an old sheet of measurements from a consultation with my trainer from way back in February 2008. The results are pretty incredible. When I started this diet I was four pounds heavier than I was at that consultation so I figure the numbers must be pretty close. So, since then, I have lost 5 inches off my waist, 5 inches off my bust, and 7 inches off my hips!!!! I consider those pretty amazing accomplishments.
Why is any of this important? Because I am trying to learn my new body and figure out what size and styles compliment it best. I was actually very surprised by my new measurements (33-27-37) and what it meant for my body type. I've always considered myself an hourglass figure... defined waist, hips and bust about the same size. Turns out, I'm now a pear shape. Who knew?! Also, it turns out that I was WAY wrong on my bra size. Pre-diet I was in a 36C. Now, according to my measurements, I should be in a 34A!! I mean, I knew they'd gotten a lot smaller but I never thought I'd be an A. It really doesn't matter, I was just very shocked.
So where does the vanity sizing issue come in? I've been getting kind of frustrated because I don't really know what size I wear. I've steadily been buying new clothes as the weight comes off and have been celebrating every new size down along the way. But, just as I'm celebrating the new smaller size at one store, I have to go back up a size or two at the next store. Then I feel foolish for bragging about first size. I thought the measurements would help me pinpoint my actual size but all it's left me is more frustrated.
Apparently, it's not me... it's them. The clothing designers and the companies that play on my desire to wear a smaller size. For instance, this weekend I went to one of my favorite stores for work clothes, NY & Company. I think I know now why I love them so much. As of yesterday at NY & Co. I wore a size 4. Shocking right?! It was to me. And very suspicious too. So I went on their website to look at their size chart. Turns out, I fall right into the size 4 size guidelines. But I don't think I look like what a size 4 person looks like so I checked out a couple more websites to see if my speculations about vanity sizing were correct. Low and behold, I was right. According to American Eagle's size charts I'm a 6, chickdowntown.com- an 8, and bluefly.com- an 8/10. Different sizes for the same measurements.
Now, it doesn't really matter what size I end up in; I'll buy whatever fits. But, it would be nice to not have to look up size charts for every store I walk into so I know what size will fit me. And I know that no matter what size it said on the labels of all those pairs of NY & Co work pants, I needed pants that fit me at that moment. But it kind of pisses me off that I was so gullible to believe their sizes were correct.
The moral of this story is- ignore the label. Because who knows who is deciding what number to put on it. Figure out what your body type is and buy what fits.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
A moment of silence
I know my last couple of blogs have been very job specific but that's basically the only thing I've had going on over the last 3 weeks. This career change has been overwhelming and all encompassing. I can barely remember what day it is and when I get home I just want to zone out and not think about anything. My brain is in overload mode.
I think it's the pressure I put on myself that is making this so hard for me. Obviously, the job is challenging. Supervising 12 people and learning their jobs as well as my new job is a lot to take on. Add in the fact that I really don't have anyone to train me, and it just gets harder. But, just like everything in my life, I put pressure on myself to be the best at it right away. I want to be an expert. I hate feeling dumb and having to ask for help. I realize these thoughts are ridiculous and that NO ONE expects me to be an expert in 3 weeks but I can't stop beating myself up for it.
I've had a few moments of wondering if it's all worth it. Is the money and the job title worth living with a numb brain? Is it worth having to work late and feel stressed out and guilty that I wasn't home earlier to let my dogs out or give them their walk? Is it worth not being able to email back and forth with my friends all day or browse 10 different gossip sites? Maybe I'll feel differently when I get my first full pay check with the raise. I keep repeating the same Biggie Smalls line in my head, "Mo money, mo problems." LOL
I know what you're all probably thinking, WAAAAAAHHHHH cry baby is never happy. You're probably right. But, could the "never happy" in me just be my ambition pushing me to do better for myself? If I was just content to sit in the same place my whole life, I'd probably still be working at the nursing home with no college degree, making minimum wage wiping old person butt. And, honestly, I'm not unhappy. I'm very proud of myself for working hard and getting to where I am today. It's that pride that keeps me going and pushes me to learn and grow and be the best.
When my boss urged me to apply for this job I tried to reason that money isn't everything and that sometimes it's better to take home a smaller pay check and your sanity. He looked at me and asked the question that I had been asking myself for a while, "Tricia, how long can you continue to dumb it down before you get tired of it?" And he was totally right. I could've stayed in my old job, they would've been totally happy to keep me. But it wasn't a challenge and I was bored. Along with all the stresses, this new job has me thinking and interacting and being creative. Hey, and if I ever get laid off, having "Manager" on the resume sure looks a lot better than "Clerk".
I know this blog is all over the place and doesn't make much sense but sometimes it's nice for me to just write the thoughts as they come out. It's nice to have a moment of silence where I can reason with myself (and all of you in the blogosphere) and realize that it will get easier. I can take a moment to remember where I've been and how far I've come and how much I've had to face and conquer along the way. I'll get there. As long as I keep pushing myself to be the best, I'll keep moving forward.
Oh, and another thing, my position finally matches my wardrobe. WOOT! I'm definitely the sharpest dressed supervisor they've got. LOL
I think it's the pressure I put on myself that is making this so hard for me. Obviously, the job is challenging. Supervising 12 people and learning their jobs as well as my new job is a lot to take on. Add in the fact that I really don't have anyone to train me, and it just gets harder. But, just like everything in my life, I put pressure on myself to be the best at it right away. I want to be an expert. I hate feeling dumb and having to ask for help. I realize these thoughts are ridiculous and that NO ONE expects me to be an expert in 3 weeks but I can't stop beating myself up for it.
I've had a few moments of wondering if it's all worth it. Is the money and the job title worth living with a numb brain? Is it worth having to work late and feel stressed out and guilty that I wasn't home earlier to let my dogs out or give them their walk? Is it worth not being able to email back and forth with my friends all day or browse 10 different gossip sites? Maybe I'll feel differently when I get my first full pay check with the raise. I keep repeating the same Biggie Smalls line in my head, "Mo money, mo problems." LOL
I know what you're all probably thinking, WAAAAAAHHHHH cry baby is never happy. You're probably right. But, could the "never happy" in me just be my ambition pushing me to do better for myself? If I was just content to sit in the same place my whole life, I'd probably still be working at the nursing home with no college degree, making minimum wage wiping old person butt. And, honestly, I'm not unhappy. I'm very proud of myself for working hard and getting to where I am today. It's that pride that keeps me going and pushes me to learn and grow and be the best.
When my boss urged me to apply for this job I tried to reason that money isn't everything and that sometimes it's better to take home a smaller pay check and your sanity. He looked at me and asked the question that I had been asking myself for a while, "Tricia, how long can you continue to dumb it down before you get tired of it?" And he was totally right. I could've stayed in my old job, they would've been totally happy to keep me. But it wasn't a challenge and I was bored. Along with all the stresses, this new job has me thinking and interacting and being creative. Hey, and if I ever get laid off, having "Manager" on the resume sure looks a lot better than "Clerk".
I know this blog is all over the place and doesn't make much sense but sometimes it's nice for me to just write the thoughts as they come out. It's nice to have a moment of silence where I can reason with myself (and all of you in the blogosphere) and realize that it will get easier. I can take a moment to remember where I've been and how far I've come and how much I've had to face and conquer along the way. I'll get there. As long as I keep pushing myself to be the best, I'll keep moving forward.
Oh, and another thing, my position finally matches my wardrobe. WOOT! I'm definitely the sharpest dressed supervisor they've got. LOL
Thursday, November 5, 2009
who, what, where, why
So I knew that taking on the responsibility of supervisor would be a big change in my job duties but I really think I underestimated the amount of stuff that I now need to know. These past two weeks have been very overwhelming. The amount of information I've been taking in has made my brain feel like mush. I'm mentally exhausted by the time I get home. I barely remember what day it is.
But, I made it through two weeks. And they've been throwing some pretty heavy shizz my way. Three days into the job I had to take part in a video conference with representatives from every center around the country. I've had to make decisions about time off requests and flex time requests. I've been sitting with each one of my employees to go over job responsibilities and listened to them complain about each other. I've had to figure out two new software systems and try to provide monthly data reports. This week I took part in a knowledge management team conference. The conference was very exciting, until they looked at me for my input and suggestions. I'm surprised people didn't swerve to avoid the deer-in-headlights look I gave them. It's quite overwhelming. I get my first new paycheck tomorrow. I'm hoping it's all worth it.
At this point I'm glad I made the change. I'm sure as I get deeper in, I'll probably change my mind several times. There have been moments when I walk past my old desk and think longingly back to the days where I could browse the Internet for hours at a time, balance my checkbook, and shoot off emails to my friends. But I'm 30 years old now and need to start using my full potential. The old job wasn't enough for me. I'm smart and I have good ideas and need to challenge myself. I challenged myself to get my body in shape, now it's time for my brain.
Work has really been my main focus lately but I do have some fun stuff coming up this weekend. Lindsey's baby shower is Saturday. Her girlfriends have taken the reins and planned this one. It's a really strange feeling going as a guest rather than planning the event. I think it'll be nice for a change. Her girlfriends are really sweet and funny and they've got some great stuff planned so I'm sure we'll have a blast.
Sunday Joe and I are going to try our hand at kayaking! One of our friends kayaks in the river and offered to take us out with him. So we're going to rent some kayaks and head out to the river. I've wanted to try kayaking for a while now. I think it'll be a really good arm exercise. Plus, I love being out in nature and the river is so beautiful. And the weather is going to be amazing this weekend. I'm a little scared. Mostly of alligators and manatees. I've heard that if you kayak over them they can get scared and tip your kayak. I think I might die if I end up in the river with a gator. Oh God, and if my feet touch that slimy river bottom... Ugh... I shudder at the thought. So, cross your fingers that I stay dry.
I guess that's all for now. I hope you all have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
But, I made it through two weeks. And they've been throwing some pretty heavy shizz my way. Three days into the job I had to take part in a video conference with representatives from every center around the country. I've had to make decisions about time off requests and flex time requests. I've been sitting with each one of my employees to go over job responsibilities and listened to them complain about each other. I've had to figure out two new software systems and try to provide monthly data reports. This week I took part in a knowledge management team conference. The conference was very exciting, until they looked at me for my input and suggestions. I'm surprised people didn't swerve to avoid the deer-in-headlights look I gave them. It's quite overwhelming. I get my first new paycheck tomorrow. I'm hoping it's all worth it.
At this point I'm glad I made the change. I'm sure as I get deeper in, I'll probably change my mind several times. There have been moments when I walk past my old desk and think longingly back to the days where I could browse the Internet for hours at a time, balance my checkbook, and shoot off emails to my friends. But I'm 30 years old now and need to start using my full potential. The old job wasn't enough for me. I'm smart and I have good ideas and need to challenge myself. I challenged myself to get my body in shape, now it's time for my brain.
Work has really been my main focus lately but I do have some fun stuff coming up this weekend. Lindsey's baby shower is Saturday. Her girlfriends have taken the reins and planned this one. It's a really strange feeling going as a guest rather than planning the event. I think it'll be nice for a change. Her girlfriends are really sweet and funny and they've got some great stuff planned so I'm sure we'll have a blast.
Sunday Joe and I are going to try our hand at kayaking! One of our friends kayaks in the river and offered to take us out with him. So we're going to rent some kayaks and head out to the river. I've wanted to try kayaking for a while now. I think it'll be a really good arm exercise. Plus, I love being out in nature and the river is so beautiful. And the weather is going to be amazing this weekend. I'm a little scared. Mostly of alligators and manatees. I've heard that if you kayak over them they can get scared and tip your kayak. I think I might die if I end up in the river with a gator. Oh God, and if my feet touch that slimy river bottom... Ugh... I shudder at the thought. So, cross your fingers that I stay dry.
I guess that's all for now. I hope you all have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.
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