Calling it Quits?

I think I might be done with the blog. I mean, let's be honest, I don't really blog that much anymore anyway. But instead of trying to pretend I'll find time to write I may just have to let go and say goodbye.

I love my blog. I have loved it over the past 3 and a half years. Even though I honestly can't believe that it has even been in existence for that long. It has helped me get through some very tough times and has helped me express feelings that I couldn't say out loud. I've poured my heart and soul out over this web page. It started as a way to share my pregnancy... my first pregnancy. Little did I know what it would turn into over the years.

I've really used the blog as therapy. There were nights that I would just sob as I wrote, letting out all the emotions I was holding inside. Those moments feel so far away now. For so many years I had a hole in my heart that was just festering with anger and jealousy and resentment and sadness. I feel like Evan has filled that hole now. I still have scars but the wounds are healed. People tell me I'm a different person now, that I even look different, and I agree. I am different now. I'm happy. My heart is whole. I don't have that emptiness anymore. Evan has brought so much joy into my life. He was my missing piece. Don't get me wrong, I still have issues. Don't we all?! I'm tired and stressed and insecure but I have this amazing little boy that smiles at me and makes it all better.

I just don't feel like I have all that much to say anymore and that when I blog it isn't true feelings and emotions coming out, it's just words to get words on the page. Like an after-thought. I feel terrible letting it go but if I can't do it right, I don't want to do it at all. And it is so much easier to share via facebook!

So thank you for hanging in with me through three pregnancies, two miscarriages, lots of medications and shots and doctors and ultrasounds and tons and tons of tears. Thank you for always being supportive when I needed it the most.

Joe told me I have to sign off the blog with a random quote from The Chappelle Show. Dave Chappelle playing P. Diddy, "that's it, I'm closing down the studio". LOL

Hard work

Man, this mom thing is hard work! I've never had a job as tough as this. I've also never had one that I love so much.

Evan is amazing. I mean, I get that all moms gush over their children and think that their child is the cutest and the smartest and the most wonderful little person ever but, in my case, it's absolutely true. He just blows me away with all the things he is learning to do and his little smiles and giggles just melt my heart. I smile from the inside out when I think about him.

But even though he is perfect, he is also exhausting! Joe and I are very lucky that Evan is such a pleasant baby. He rarely fusses, usually only when he's tired or hungry, and the majority of the time he's smiling or talking to us. But being "on" all the time... man, that wears me out! I'm always trying to come up with different ways to amuse Evan or to make him laugh. And having one sided conversations about imagined people, places, and things is taxing my poor, overtired brain. Even the mundane descriptions of what I'm doing or what the dogs are doing or what the noises are that he's hearing or the colors that he's seeing are exhausting. I'm talking ALL.THE.TIME.

The "breaks" that I get when he goes down for naps or to bed at night are spent doing house work or prepping for the next day. Laundry and dishes and dinner and cleaning fill all the spaces in between. I know that housework is the least important thing I should worry about, and I do try to let go of some stuff, but I have to do laundry and we have to eat and we have to have clean dishes.

I feel like the only break my brain gets at home is when I'm pumping. And I seriously just zone out while I'm doing it. I can hardly carry on a conversation. My brain takes a quick vacation when the pump comes on. But pumping during work is different. I feel guilty for taking breaks to pump so I still answer the phone and emails and eat my lunch/snacks while I pump. It's very weird talking to my supervisor on the phone with no shirt on but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I don't mean to complain. I am so grateful for every second I have with Evan. He seriously makes my life. He is the best thing that I've ever done and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I was looking at him tonight when I was rocking him to sleep and can't believe that he's already doubled in size since he was born. It's gone by so fast and I feel like I've already forgotten how small he used to be. I try so hard to memorize all his features and all the sweet little things he does but there is just no way I'll remember it all. I'm so excited for him to grow up but I also wish he'd stay my little baby boy forever.

We've been getting ready for Christmas. Our house is decorated and we've got some presents under the tree. I know Evan won't remember this Christmas but I'm still excited to show him the tree and the lights and the ornaments. I hope to take a ton of pictures too. I've been SLOWLY working towards getting Christmas cards printed but at the rate I'm going I'll be sending out Valentine's Day cards instead. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your families!