Done and Done

Well, after all the bitching and drama my Thanksgiving didn't turn out so bad. I survived. The bottle of wine I drank really helped but I made it through. The holidays are getting harder and this one just really got to me. I think I just feel such a void, like something is missing, and it makes it tough to deal with. But, I always manage to keep on keepin' on.

I can't believe we're already to the end of the holiday weekend. These four days pretty much flew by. I managed to do a lot of relaxing but also squeezed in some chores too. On Friday I hung out around the house and cleaned up and pulled our Christmas decorations out. We keep the majority of our decorations in a big Rubbermaid tub out in our shed. I dug out the tub and opened it up to go through everything but when I took the lid off, the tub was wet and very smelly. There was a crack in the bottom of the container and we think when our shed flooded during the hurricane this summer the water must have gotten in. There was mold everywhere! Our stockings, the tree skirt, all the lights, some of the ornaments... all covered with disgusting, smelly mold. I was so disappointed. Luckily we keep our nice ornaments in Ziploc bags so those are all ok but we had to start over on everything else.

I was in a very Scrooge mood on Saturday so Joe put the tree up for me. Once he got the new lights on and the new tree skirt under it we took a break to watch the Florida State/Florida game. What a disaster. I was so freaking pissed off. I hate the Gators more than anything and they just served up an ass whooping. My Seminoles managed to score 15 measly points so it wasn't a shutout but it was still sad. We were so sick of watching the game that we turned it off at half time, turned on the 80's music and finished decorating the tree. Even though we lost a bunch of ornaments, the tree still turned out really nice. We also put up our Christmas village and added a new piece this year. We got "The Campbell House" which is an homage to my sister-in-law and her husband who are Campbell's. It was too perfect not to get.

Today has been yucky and windy and rainy all day. We were hoping to get the lights up on the house but had to postpone that to next weekend. But we made a big pot of chili and watched the Bucs game and are just hanging out getting ready for Monday. We don't have anything too exciting planned for this week but next Monday is Joe's 30th birthday!!! He's pretty pumped because the Bucs play the Carolina Panthers (HUGE game!) on Monday night football that night so we may have some friends over for that. I've promised him my buffalo chicken dip and a pineapple upside down cake. I think I can handle that. We're also still planning on going to a Bucs game at the end of the month to celebrate some more.

Anyway, enjoy your week everyone!!

Bitter, party of one

Its Thanksgiving Day. A day to give thanks for all the things you are grateful for. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, the best two dogs in the whole world, my beautiful home, my great job, good friends and my almost perfect health. I have a lot to be grateful for. But I can't shake the bitterness and sadness for the one thing I want more than anything.

The holidays are hard for me. For some reason today is especially hard. I've never been so overwhelmed with sadness on a holiday before. I didn't even expect it either. I just woke up today in a sad mood. The commercials on TV and the Macy's parade didn't help. There is a stupid grocery store commercial running that makes me cry every freaking time it comes on. It is a montage of a bunch of families sitting down to dinner and one of the mothers stands up and is talking about all the things she's thankful for. She looks at her very pregnant daughter and says she's thankful that at the next Thanksgiving there will be a new family member. God, why don't you just stab me in the heart Publix? Then stupid Matt Lauer had to point out all the kids sitting on their dad's shoulders watching the Macy's parade while their moms took pictures. The tears won't stop!

I try so hard not to live in the past and play the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" game but it is so hard not to. If things would've worked out for us, we would have a ten month old child right now. Instead all I have is a bruise on my belly from fertility drug injections and a stack of credit card bills that remind me of every failed fertility treatment we've tried. It sucks. I feel like this process will never end. I just feel like all hope is gone.

And now I have to go sit with family and pretend like nothing is wrong. When my mom talks about how much she loves her grand kids or wants to show off their newest pictures all I can think about is how I have nothing to offer. Its just me and Joe and my dogs. We don't have anything to bring to the table. I feel like such an outcast. I'm definitely not looking forward to Christmas!

I hate that I feel this way too. I start throwing myself these pity parties and then feel overwhelming guilt for letting myself be sad over this. There are people out there that are facing huge obstacles in their lives. You know, at least I have a house and can pay my bills and put food on the table. At least I'm not fighting a battle for my life. At least I know my husband is safe and sound at home with me instead of on a battle field half way across the world. But this is MY problem. This is the battle I'm fighting and I honestly don't know how I can still be fighting after all this time. I'm like Rocky 10 rounds into the fight. I'm bloody and can't see out of one eye but I keep getting up to get pounded some more.

I'm sorry for being such a Thanksgiving downer. I knew when I couldn't blow dry my hair without bawling, that I had to get this out. Better on my blog than over the dinner table, right? I guess holding it all in really isn't the way to go. Sometimes I feel like if I keep stuff to myself that its not really happening. If nobody knows about it then they can't talk about it and it isn't real. But on days like this it is all too real and it hurts and it sucks. I hate myself for being so bitter and jealous and sad. I think its time to break out the wine and just go numb for the rest of the day.

Before I depart on my pity train, I do sincerely want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you all can find many things in your lives to be thankful for. To all my family, I miss you very much and hope to be able to see you again soon. And to my friends, I hope you all have a great day as well. I wish you were all here drinking wine with me.

Everyone enjoy your turkey day!! Happy Thanksgiving.

Please don't leave any comments to this post. I know everyone means well and wants to make me feel better but I just can't take another, "hang in there". Thanks.

Hot Topics

All of my holiday season magazines have been arriving with gift suggestions for everyone on your list. Some gift suggestions are ridiculously expensive, some are just ridiculous, but one suggestion has really caught my interest. I wouldn't necessarily call it a board game but it is sort of in the game family. The name is Table Topics. It is a cube filled with little cards that each have a topic on them. The idea is that you're supposed to put the cards out when you have a party so that your guests will have things to discuss. But, one of the topics caught my eye and I feel like it needs to be turned into a blog.

The question was, "What is the best and worst thing about being your gender?". I read the question and didn't put much thought to it at first but after a while I couldn't stop thinking about it. It has really been on my mind for the past week so, of course, I had to get it all out here.

The best part of the question, for me, was easy.... the shoes. Seriously. Look at all the fun options we have for shoes. And our shoes can say so much about who we are or the attitude we are trying to portray. It would be so sad to be a man and not be able to wear all the fun shoes. Women are allowed to play dress up in their own closets everyday. Men don't really get that option.

Once I got the best part of the question out of the way I really started thinking of the worst part. There are a lot of crappy things about being a woman. Your period, obviously. But also shaving, cellulite, visits to the gynecologist... Nothing fun about any of that. All those things are bad but, to me, the worst thing about being a woman is having to be everything to everyone all the time.

As women we have such high expectations placed on us. I don't mean to say that we shouldn't be expected to be as smart as a man or as good at our jobs because we certainly should, and I think we do a damn good job at it. But we are expected to be just as good as the men at that stuff and also all the "womanly" tasks too. We have to go to work everyday and work alongside the men and hold our own, while dressed up and wearing makeup and having our hair done, but then we also have to come home and make sure our families get fed and the house gets clean and that everyone is taken care of. If you don't do that, you're not a good wife. Right?

I don't know who exactly is worse at placing the expectations. Is it other women that expect you to be well dressed and thin and have the best hair cut/color? Or is it the men? Are our bosses the ones who place the pressure to be just as good as the men at our jobs without bringing up "issues" and, thus, being seen as a bitch? Or is it society? Is it our family that expects us to get married and start a family and live a "storybook" lifestyle? Or is it ourselves? Whoever it is, I just feel like it is a lot of pressure.

A lot of times, I don't give a crap about other people's expectations. I am who I am, I've come to terms with that. But, for the sake of the argument, I don't think men feel the same kind of pressure that women do. Maybe they feel a different kind of pressure. Maybe I should ask a man to answer the same Table Topic question and see what he says. He'd probably something gross like, farting in public. It is a good topic to think on though. I'd love to hear your answers in the comments. I also may have to invest in that little game if not just for blog topics.

Kids

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I would desperately love to have children. This weekend, however, I ran into several little kids that made me challenge that position. These were the types of children that make you not only cringe but also glad that you aren't the one responsible for them.

Saturday was Pierce's 2nd birthday party. It was a big ole' monkey themed extravaganza. The decorations were adorable, the food was great, and there were activities a-plenty for all the little kiddies in attendance. The most popular activity was a huge bounce house which the kids flocked to. The kids at the party mostly ranged in age from one to four with a few other odd ages thrown in here and there. But, all of them needed to be watched pretty closely. So I was standing guard at the bounce house keeping an eye on my angelic niece and nephew when I noticed one little kid getting a little too rough. The first time he jumped on top of my niece I thought it was probably an accident but then it happened a couple more times. After the third time, and after scanning the crowd for his care taker and not seeing her anywhere near us, I took it upon myself to firmly tell the little bastard to knock it off. I don't know if he didn't understand me or he just didn't care but that little jerk off came running from across the bounce house, jumped, and while in mid-air, spread his legs open like a professional wrestler and tackled Peyton on the chest. If I could have fit through the little opening in the bounce house I would've grabbed that little kid by his arm and dragged him out of that thing with the quickness. I did actually wonder out loud a couple of times if it was ok to spank another person's kids. Peyton took it like a champ though and the little kid did finally back off. I understand that kids will be kids but this little boy was just way out of hand. He was the only one causing trouble like that. Little jerk.

Then today I was at Target, having a very relaxing time of walking up and down the aisles touching and looking at everything, when a blood curdling scream broke the blissful silence of my day. Some little brat was screaming at the top of her lungs. I seriously almost ran to her thinking she was being abducted or something. I stopped when I heard her poor mother trying to get her to shut up. In my head I honestly said to myself, "see that's one good thing about not having a child". LOL I honestly don't know how you parents do it. What do you do when your kid has a break down in the store? I mean, you can't spank them in public anymore for fear that someone will call DCF on you. But, do you stop mid-shop, leave all your stuff in the cart and leave? Do you let the kid scream? Do you give them whatever they want so they'll be quiet? And what do you say to all the people giving you dirty looks? I know if I ever have a child that someday I'll have to deal with that but every time it happens I'm kind of thankful that its not my child disturbing the peace.

When I got home this afternoon I encountered some more little hellions running around my neighborhood. It is a gorgeous, cool day here. We've got the windows open and the breeze is blowing in. I know the kids are probably having a great time running around outside and playing. But, there is a little group of assholes playing in the backyard of the house behind mine and one over. That's fine, I understand kids need to be outside and playing. I don't even mind their screaming but these little jerks took it a step further. They started antagonizing my sweet, perfectly mannered babies, Daisy and Roxy. They were banging on the fence until the dogs went running up to them barking and then would run away screaming. When we called our dogs back the little kids would run up to the fence and do it again. You know, we try to keep our dogs quiet as not to disturb the neighbors. Is it so much to ask that parents do the same for their children? I think not.

I know that even after this weekend my resolve to have children has not gone away. I still definitely want them. But that's only because my children would never act like the ones I've encountered today. Or is that something all parents to be have to tell themselves in order to procreate?

Poor, misguided victim of fashion

This post may come off as superficial but I really hope it serves as a wake up call to all the fashion victims in this world. Maybe they don't know what they look like or maybe no one has ever told them a different way so I feel it is my duty to set the record straight once and for all.

Nothing annoys me more than a visible panty line. I don't understand how any woman can still allow this to happen. Open ANY women's magazine, turn on Oprah or Tim Gunn or What Not To Wear, shit, turn on the 6 o'clock news and you will see info on how to find the proper undergarments. I just don't get it. Can these people not see their panty lines? I don't know how they could miss them because they are like red, flashing beacons to me.

This post is really inspired by a poor, misguided victim of fashion that I came into contact with today. This was a case of VPL on steroids. The lady was wearing high-waisted, dress capris (don't even get me started). Underneath I think she must have been wearing the smallest pair of underwear known to man. How do I know? Because I could see the entire outline of the undies squeezing her body so tightly that her flesh was bulging out all around them. I swear I think my jaw dropped. I wanted to run to her and show her the ways of proper fitting undergarments, the joys of not having flab squish out around the seams of her panties, the comfort of unconstricting waist/leg bands. But I couldn't. All I could do was sit there in shock and watch the poor lady walk away to face a work day full of VPL. If it was a friend or a relative you'd better believe that I would've pulled her aside and given her a lesson... and a sweatshirt to wrap around her waist. But this was a person that I hardly know. I couldn't bring up her undergarments. So I had to come here to put the world on full alert that VPL is wrong and can be prevented.

There are several ways to avoid VPL. I think the first rule of thumb is to buy undergarments that fit. If you've gained some weight and haven't bought new panties because you're hoping you'll lose the weight, snap out of it! Maybe you will lose the weight, but do yourself a favor and buy some panties that fit your body right now. There are several types of undergarments you could buy depending on what you're wearing, what kind of control you need, and what your lifestyle is.

Lets start with the thong. With a thong, obviously you won't have panty lines around the butt because there is nothing covering your butt. But, you need to make sure that there are also no panty lines around the waist band. For those, like me, with butts too jiggly for a thong, option number two is the boy short. This is my personal favorite. They give you a smooth behind, are comfortable as hell to wear, and can be worn under everything from dresses to jeans to dress pants. Those looking for even more coverage can look into option 3, body shapers. Ever wonder how celebrities always look so thin and sleek in their red carpet gowns? Their bodies aren't that great, they are wearing Spanx. Ah Spanx, the miracle invention that can make you look 10 pounds thinner almost immediately. They come in all different varieties from a high waisted panty to a full legging. They suck it all in. For comfort, you might want to reserve these for special occasions but if you want to look 10 pounds thinner all the time you can certainly use them everyday.

So, moral of the story, check your ass in the mirror before leaving the house. If you can see the outline of your undies, you're wearing the wrong kind. Take yourself to any number of stores and find some proper fitting undergarments stat! Don't be a poor, misguided fashion victim. I just can't take it!

Sushi, Porno, and the Blue Angels

Another weekend come and gone. They sure do fly by don't they? Joe and I have been pretty boring lately. We haven't had anything real exciting going on. We've mostly been hanging around the house doing our normal routine of chores and football. This weekend was pretty much the same old routine with a few little exciting bits thrown in.

Friday night Joe's family breezed back into town on their way home from Key West. They stopped in for dinner and we introduced them to the deliciousness that is Thai Thai sushi. Like usual, it was so good. Everyone loved it, especially me! After dinner I got to spend some time with my nieces while giving them a bath. It was a really nice treat for me because I don't get to spend that kind of time with them on a regular basis. They live so far away that we only get to see them once or twice a year. It was just fun having that bonding time with them. But, it didn't last long as they headed back home that evening. We're hoping to make a trip up to Alabama to see them sometime after the first of the year.

Saturday was a cleaning day. Joe and I cleaned hard for probably 2 hours and then crashed out on the couch. We stayed home and in front of the TV for most of the day. We watched my Florida State Seminoles whoop up on the Clemson Tigers. The game was really exciting so it was really fun to watch. After the game we headed out to the movies. We saw Zack and Miri Make A Porno. The movie was great. It was really funny but also really sweet. I think Seth Rogan is hilarious so I'm always up to see anything that he's in. There is some crude humor in the movie so if you're not into that I'd avoid it but I thought it was great.

Sunday I got up early and met a friend for breakfast then Becky and I took Pierce to see an air show out here at the Space Center. We had such a nice time. The weather was gorgeous and the air show was really neat. We were worried that Pierce would be scared at how loud the jets were but he was having a great time. He was waving to the planes and yelling, "AIRPLANE". It was pretty funny. Becky and I were amazed at the skill and guts that those pilots have. The Blue Angels were amazing. I don't know how they fly those planes so close together without running into one another. It was a really great, really patriotic kind of day. I can't wait to go again next year.

This week should be pretty boring as well. The time change always messes with my head so I've been ready for bed around 8:30 every night. I'm turning into an elderly woman. Pretty soon I'll be going to bed at 6:30 and getting up at 4am to take my trash out or rushing out to beat the traffic at the grocery store. LOL I hope you all have a more exciting week than me!

The Holiday Season

The holiday season has officially begun in the Miller household. Not only did we celebrate Halloween this past weekend, we also hosted our Thanksgiving dinner. The past week and weekend flew by with Joe being out of town and celebrating both holidays in a two day span. But, everything went off without a hitch and I can look forward to actual Thanksgiving. Which, thank goodness, I don't have to cook.

Friday night was fun seeing Pierce and Peyton dressed up in their Halloween costumes. They were the cutest little BamBam and Pebbles I've ever seen. Joe and I visited a couple house with them before heading back to our own house to hand out candy. We don't normally get many kids in our neighborhood, as its comprised mostly of older, retired people. This year, however, we got a ton! One of my neighbors on the next street over hosted a huge haunted house in their home this year and advertised for it all over town. I think that encouraged more kids to trick-or-treat in my neighborhood. I actually ran out of candy this year and had to close up shop early. That's ok though because my dogs were going nuts with all the little kids knocking on the door all night.

We were up early on Saturday to get to the grocery store to pick up all the things we needed for our Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday. I never realized how much prep goes into a Thanksgiving dinner. I usually just show up to eat, I've never had to prepare the whole dinner before. By the time dinner rolled around on Sunday I was exhausted. Everything turned out great though. We had the full spread, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing... You name it, I made it. It was fun having both mine and Joe's family together for a dinner. All the kids played and, for the most part, had a great time. After dinner was over and cleaned up and everyone left, our house was nice and quiet and calm. Joe and I resigned to the couch to watch some football and relax.

I don't have too much going on this week. It'll be nice to have a little R&R for a couple of weeks before our other big events start popping up. We've got Pierce's second birthday party coming up as well as the real Thanksgiving and, dare I say, we have to start thinking about Christmas shopping.... eek! Another year has all but flown by and I can't believe it.