Annoyance vs. Exuberance

I really hate the force that is "The WalMart". Yes, a "The" in front of the name is totally warranted as WalMart is an entity so powerful that very few can resist. I hate that I keep going back to The Walmart. I curse it every time. But, we just absolutely can not beat the prices so we continue to go back.

I had to go there this morning to return something and pick up a few items. Even pulling in the parking lot annoys me. The customers there don't know how to drive or park or yield to pedestrians. I'm always afraid that once I step out of the car that someone will either snatch my purse or abduct me. I keep my eyes straight ahead, my purse tight to my side, my list firmly in hand, and my elbows primed to jab anyone who gets in my way.

Since I am such a begrudgingly loyal customer of The WalMart, I pretty much know the place like the back of my hand. I have a pattern that I follow almost every time I'm there. First toiletries, then dog food, then past the fabric department and toys towards the food. I start in the dairy department and work my way forward. I have found that it is the quickest and most efficient route through The WalMart.

Today I only needed a few things so I sped through the dog food department and headed towards the food. But today, for some reason, the customers were extra annoying and in my way. I fully expect dumb asses when I go to The WalMart but today there was a special breed out which I felt were only there to piss me off. Needless to say, by the time I was out of there I was in a very fowl mood. I felt the only thing that could pull me out of my funk was to treat myself to a Starbucks from the neighboring Target.

I pulled into Target's parking lot and, still annoyed from The WalMart, almost rear ended a van pulling out of a handicap spot. I parked and made my way in, only to be cart blocked by some old lady who either didn't see me trying to get around her or was sent over by The WalMart to punish me for defecting to Target. I finally made it past her and headed to Starbucks. I got my Skinny Caramel Latte and as I took the first warm, glorious sip I glanced over towards the women's clothing department. Then, it was as if the heavens parted and a chorus of angels began to sing because there, in a brand new display, was the only thing that could save me from my crummy mood.... BATHING SUITS!!!!!

I had to move closer to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. But I wasn't, they were there, racks and racks of colorful bathing suits and cover ups! My mood lifted and I suddenly started to warm up and get the rosy glow back in my cheeks. I started imagining me in my pool, cool drink in hand, sun shining down from a cloudless blue sky, Jimmy Buffet singing me tales of sunsets and oysters, margaritas and cheeseburgers. Because if bathing suits are starting to be stocked it must mean that summer is just around the corner. I have officially bought the last article of winter clothing this year. From this point forward, all clothing/shoe purchases will be for summer items only.

That trip to Target has officially lifted me out of the winter blues. For now I know that it won't be much longer before I can officially retire the sweaters and long pants and take the extra blanket off the bed. Yes, pretty soon I will again have color on my face and my legs and an overall glow from the happiness that summer brings. What a great way to start the New Year!

Ho Ho Ho

Well, Santa came and went and now all that's left to look forward to this year is the end of it. I actually had a very nice Christmas. Once I got the idea out of my head that we might be able to announce a pregnancy at Christmas dinner, it got a lot easier to deal with. Santa treated me very well this year. I got some new books and perfume, a bracelet, and a charm for my charm bracelet, and a set of new makeup brushes. My parents got us a set of new pots and pans that we just love. We haven't had new pots and pans since well before we got married so we really were in desperate need. Joe had a very nice Christmas as well. He got some video games and the Dark Knight on BluRay. My favorite gift that Santa brought him is ShamWow... from the infomercial. I can't wait to see if it works as good as it does on TV. I'll keep you guys posted.

It was hilarious watching the kids open their gifts this year. Even though Peyton was sick and neither of them really got the opening of the gifts idea, it was still great. They got all kinds of neat stuff. Dinner was very nice too. We had way too much food but it was all really good. Other than that, our Christmas was very low key. We hung around for most of the day just enjoying our new goodies.

We actually have plans for New Years Eve this year. We convinced one of our friends to have a New Year's Eve party so we'll be going down to his house for that. It isn't going to be anything fancy, but it'll be our friends, and that is the most important part. I'm actually heading out the stores today to see if I can find a cute shirt to wear. I hope you all have a very safe and fun New Year!!

There isn't really much else going on with us. We're in a holding pattern to start our IVF stuff. We go to our seminar in two weeks and then just wait. The anticipation hasn't really hit me yet but I'm sure it will. I also don't think I've really grasped the whole idea of what I'm about to go through. That's ok though, I'm kind of enjoying the blissful naivety right now. I'm sure that will all change soon.

Well, time to get dressed and head out to shop. I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and I hope you're planning a fun New Year's Eve!!

Bump in the road

I haven't even officially started my first IVF cycle and I've already hit my first bump in the road.  There are several steps that we are required to make before "officially" starting.  I have to have another (my third) Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is pretty much an x-ray of my uterus and tubes, we have to attend an IVF seminar to go over all the details, and we have to have a "final" IVF consult with my doctor.  My nurse, who I love dearly, was trying to fast track us so we could start our IVF cycle right away instead of jumping through all the hoops.  Well, new IVF nurse lady put the kibosh on that little plan today.  

I already started my birth control pills and am scheduled for my HSG tomorrow afternoon.  I've already done my IVF blood work (which came back completely normal and healthy, btw) and Joe has a prescription to get his done sometime this week.  We are on the list for the IVF seminar for the second week of January.  So I called the IVF nurse today to schedule my final consult with the doctor and she got all in a tizzy because, "this isn't how we normally do things".  I told her I that I spoke with my regular nurse and she wanted to see if they could get me in sooner.  She said since I'm already on pills and still have to complete all the other requirements, that the timing will be all wrong.  I gave in and agreed to wait for my period to start again and then come in for my final consult.  So now I have to wait a month to really get started.  I'm pretty frustrated but whatever.  Maybe it'll be fun to not think about ovaries and follicles and sperm for a while.  

Joe and I are excited and nervous about what our future holds.  We're trying not to do too many, "what-if's" but in this situation it is hard not to.  In IVF the possibility of multiples is huge so we've been talking about that a lot.  Of course, we will be thrilled to have one baby but the thought of having twins or triplets and never having to go through this again would be pretty amazing too.  Joe thinks that after everything we've been through that he would be satisfied with one child.  I definitely want more than one so, if it is possible, I'd be willing to go through fertility treatments again to have another one.  I've been watching marathons of Jon and Kate plus 8 all day today and after their twins they said they'd try for one more and look what happened to them!  I can't even imagine.  

Of course I'm getting WAY ahead of myself.  Thinking about having multiples before even starting treatment is really crazy.  I'm hopeful that I'll produce lots of follicles and that they'll all fertilize and grow and divide properly.  I'm hopeful that I'll have at least two embryos to transfer back in and hopefully a couple to freeze.  But I've done enough reading and research to know that things don't always work out that way for many couples.  But, without hope I don't think that I could make it through.  So, that's what I'm holding on to.  I'm holding onto the dream of someday being able to announce my pregnancy to all of you, to someday attending a baby shower thrown in my honor, to feeling my unborn baby kick for the first time, to the day I get to hold my baby in my arms.  And that's just the beginning.  

You may have noticed that I've changed the title of my blog.  Since my life is decidedly more complicated since I started this blog, I felt the title, "My Simple Life", no longer fit.  I've decided to change it to the title of one of my favorite albums by Mandy Moore, Wild Hope.  Because if I've got anything right now, it is definitely Wild Hope.  

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas.  I'll keep you posted.  

Breaking out the big guns

I guess its time for full disclosure. I've been keeping my fertility treatments very quiet in hopes that not talking about them would make it easier for me to deal with. But, we have just had back to back IUI's fail and its time to be open and honest about where this journey is headed.

After a lot of soul searching and talking and crying, Joe and I have decided to move along to IVF. I can't say it was a difficult decision to make emotionally but it was a very hard financial decision. Our doctor has been suggesting IVF to us since last January but, because it was so expensive, I decided to have laparoscopic surgery to correct the damage to my tubes and continue pursuing IUI. My insurance at the time paid for them and, since we'd had a pregnancy with IUI, we decided to go that route. But, since those have not worked we feel like we need to move on to a treatment plan that offers a better chance at success.

So, off we go. IVF is crazy. It is a long, labor intensive process. I have already started the preliminary blood work and testing and Joe will start his soon also. We're scheduled to go for an "IVF seminar" the second week in January where we'll learn all the steps to IVF. But basically I'll start by taking birth control pills (crazy, right?), then a medication to completely suppress my ovaries so they won't start producing follicles too soon. Then I start the "stimming" phase. This is where I do injections of follicle stimulating hormones to help my ovaries produce lots of follicles. Once those follicles are ready, I'll go in for a retrieval where they will remove the eggs from the follicles, place them in a petrie dish and introduce Joe's sperm. Over the next 24 hours, the embryologists will watch the eggs to see how many fertilize. They will then decide which ones are the strongest and I'll go back and have those embryos put back into my uterus. Hopefully the embryos will implant and I'll get pregnant. Hopefully.

Because of the cost, Joe and I can afford to do this once. Talk about pressure. But, we're going to try to remain hopeful. If it doesn't work we've discussed a couple different options but we're really not sure what we'll do. Do you think its appropriate to have a bake sale to raise money for IVF? You know, a "Bun in the Oven" fundraiser. Get it, hahaha.

It sucks that we've had to take yet another step further into the infertility journey but we're dealing with it as it comes. I never in my life thought that this is how it would be. We're determined that one day we will have a baby in our lives. We have so much love and so many laughs to share with a child that we know someday it'll happen for us. The journey may be long and the road along the way may be filled with potholes but it will just make arriving at the destination that much sweeter.

So, there you have it. Out in the open, exposed, for everyone to see. Its scary to me for all of you to know this. Now there are expectations and questions and comments. I can't hide and pretend I'm ok. But if I'm doing this, I'm doing it all the way. I can't hide from reality anymore. Its time to be brave and face this head on and hopefully come out on top. If I don't, I know I'll have the support of my friends and family to help me through. As I get really going into the process I'm sure the blog will be heavy on the IVF info. Sorry if its boring but my ovaries will pretty much be ruling my world for the next two months. I'll try to blog about some lighter stuff here and there too.

And so it begins...

Not myself

Something is up with me and I can't figure out what it is. I am not myself lately and it is driving me nuts. Maybe its the holidays, maybe the cold weather, but I have been feeling blah.

I hate daylight savings time. I don't understand why we have to change the clocks. I hate that it is dark at 6:00! It makes the evenings so boring. All I do is lie on the couch and watch TV until I head to bed around 9. Thank goodness that I get home at 4:30 or I would really be miserable. At least I get a chance to walk the dogs before the sun goes down.

I'm a humongous fat cow right now. I'm so bloated and gross that I can hardly stand to look at myself. I'm only up like 7 pounds but those pounds are all in my gut. I only have one pair of pants that fit and don't give me muffin top and I'm terrified of wearing a dress and being mistaken as pregnant again. I stopped going to the gym so now all the muscle tone that I gained in my arms and legs is disappearing into ugly, mushy, shaky flab.

You would think that my fatness would encourage me to exercise and eat healthy. Wrong. This week has been a nutritional disaster. Monday we had the boys over for football and I made pigs in a blanket, buffalo chicken dip, sweet and spicy meatballs, chips and french onion dip, and I ate just like those boys did. Tuesday I picked up a coffee and a scone on my way to work, then got some greasy, fried sesame chicken from the cafeteria for lunch, then came home and had a very nutritious dinner of chips and french onion dip. Seriously! I did a little better today. I had soup and a salad for lunch then BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. But, before dinner I had a piece of birthday cake and more chips and dip! I'm like a garbage disposal. And now I feel disgusting like grease is just oozing out of my pores. I can feel myself producing more fat as I type.

I don't even want to get dressed in the morning. Me, not wanting to get dressed! Even my high heels can't change my piss poor attitude. I was miserable wearing them yesterday and today. What is happening to me?! Its taken me at least three wardrobe changes to get out of the house every morning this week. Usually I'm very prepared, I pick out my clothes the night before so that I don't have to rush in the mornings. But since I've been exhausted and going to bed at 9, I haven't been doing it.

I've also been incredibly restless. When I'm at work I can't wait to get home. I get annoyed with myself for making stupid little mistakes and have less patience with my co-workers and customers. Its so exhausting being "on" all day that as soon at 4:00 rolls around, I just crash and am all moody and irritable.

I cringe every time someone mentions Christmas so maybe that's what my problem is. I just want it to be summer again so that the sun doesn't go down until 8, I can lounge in my pool and get some sun on my pasty pale legs, and so I don't have to dress in layers to stay warm. Hopefully it won't take me that long to break out of my funk because it'll be a miserable couple of months if it does.

Thanks for "listening" to me rant.

Boooooring

Hey ya'll. Sorry for the lack of blogs lately. My life has been so boring that I can't think of anything that I have to say. I've been going to bed between 8:30 and 9:30, going to work, walking the dogs, and watching TV. That's honestly about it. I've also been trying to get a Christmas list together and find gifts that I want to get for all the kiddies in my life.

I wish I had more to report but I don't. There haven't been any fashion victims, or people who make rude comments, no emotional crisis, or breakdown about my weight. Nothing of any remote interest. Sorry. I'll try to be more interesting for my next blog.

We are doing one fun thing this week. Joe's 30th birthday is tomorrow and we're having people over to watch the Bucs and Panthers on Monday Night Football. I'm in charge of whipping up some appetizers to keep all the guys happy.

That's about it. If something comes up, you can be sure I'll blog about it. Until then, I'll have to look for some good material for you.