Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. It's been a busy couple of weeks. Plus I can hardly keep my eyes open past 8:30pm and even when they are open, I'm not that productive.

Joe and I got back from our Alabama trip yesterday. It was a long drive but a great trip. It was really nice to see Joe's family and to spend Christmas with them. We haven't had a Christmas together in a couple of years. It was cold in Alabama though! Cold for us anyway. I know a lot of you had much colder temperatures than we experienced (20's-40's) but I am not used to that. Taking the dogs out was miserable. I definitely confirmed myself as a Florida girl. It was nice to get back here and into 70 degree temperatures today.

Today we drove up to Jacksonville to visit Lindsey and baby Nate. It was great to see them too. Nathan is so adorable and so tiny. He's a little snuggle bug too. It was nice having him snuggled up, sleeping on my shoulder.

There really isn't much going on around here lately. Aside from our trips, we've been hanging close to home and close to the couch. Some of my symptoms started to subside over the last week and a half but the nausea is back in full force today. I haven't really felt terrible so I guess I've been pretty lucky. As far as I know, things are all still going well. I have a doctor's appointment next Wednesday that I am waiting anxiously for. I've posted an 8 week belly picture below. I haven't gained any weight yet but I feel like I already look rounder. I'm sure it's a combination of bloating and lack of exercise. Oh, and also the carbs that have made their way back into my diet. That seems to be the only thing I want to eat lately. I told Joe I hope he doesn't mind the "Super Obese" because I'm afraid that's the direction I'm going. I really want to make an effort to get back to eating better and exercising I just haven't gotten there yet.

As far as New Year's Eve goes, we have no plans. Even with all the set backs and heartache we faced early in the year, it really has been a great year for us. We both got promotions, lost a bunch of weight and got healthier, and are finally looking forward to our first baby. It's definitely been a year worth celebrating. Unfortunately, I'm just not sure if I'll even be able to keep my eyes open until midnight. Maybe we'll pretend and do a countdown at 8:00 instead.

Whatever your plans are, I hope you all have a great time. Take time to celebrate the passing of another year and to look forward to the possibilities that a new year brings. Happy New Year y'all!!

8 week belly picture

Back to life, back to reality

We made it back from our trip to Key West. The four days flew by in a blur. But not for the reason that my time in Key West used to be blurry. Yes, this trip was much different than trips of the past but, like usual, we had an amazing time.

I love the Keys. Everything is so laid back and everyone operates at a slower pace. Throw in gorgeous weather and beautiful sunsets and you've got my idea of paradise. We met up with Joe's sister, Annie, and her husband, Steve, and Joe's uncle George. It was a mini family reunion. We stayed at a cute little place that had little cottages that shared a courtyard area with a pool. It was really nice.

I obviously wasn't expected to drink but I did venture into a couple of bars, sipped on some water, and watched the hilarity unfold. The trip was a celebration of Joe's and Steve's birthdays which fall 3 days apart. A little side note on Steve... he's like 6'4" or 6'5".... Joe is not. To commemorate their birthdays, Steve commissioned some T-shirts for everyone that had his and Joe's heads superimposed on the heads of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito from the cover of their movie Twins. Hilarious. So on the first night we all wore our T-shirts out on the town. There are pictures floating around that I can't wait to get my hands on.

I didn't make it much past 9:30pm on any night we were there but everyone else had quite the time out on the town. I actually really enjoyed just wandering the streets, walking in and out of the shops, and just taking in the sights. We lounged on the beach one day and Annie and I got our toes done. We ate A LOT. Nothing good either. I'm feeling pretty miserable today and actually looking forward to getting my eating back on track. Last night we walked down to the waterfront to eat dinner and watch the sun go down. It was the perfect end to another great vacation. I've put a couple of pictures in the family album.

Other than vacation, things are going well. I seem to still be pregnant. I'm at least exhibiting all the symptoms. As we "speak" the buttons on my shirt are getting closer to popping open and I feel like I could puke on my computer at any second. I'm happy though. Symptoms seem to reassure me. I just can not shake the terror of something bad happening. I'm trying so hard just to enjoy every moment but, I swear, I'm essentially holding my breath waiting for the moment when this is no longer real. I'm hoping that as time goes on, I'll feel better and more comfortable.

Anyway, hope you're all enjoying your week so far! Only a couple of days until the weekend.

With one beat of your heart, our lives will never be the same

We have a heartbeat! The ultrasound was a pretty surreal experience. I was so nervous I was shaking. I held my breath when the image popped up on the screen because I couldn't really see anything at first. Then she zoomed in and there it was, a tiny flicker coming from the middle of a little white blob. I burst into tears and laughter, so excited that my baby was okay. Then the tech let us hear the heartbeat and I cried even more.

Everything looks exactly how it should. The heart was beating at 129 beats per minute and the baby is measuring 6 weeks 4 days. That's exactly a week behind where I thought I was. It's a little disappointing to go back a week but as long as things are going okay in there, I'm fine with it.

There was one thing on the ultrasound that shouldn't have been there. An extra sack, empty. The tech said that it may have originally started as a twin pregnancy but the twin didn't develop. That may have been why my HCG numbers were so high and why I thought I was further along than I really am. She said that it's fine and that it will most likely just reabsorb and won't affect this pregnancy at all. It's kind of crazy to think that, even for a brief moment, I may have been pregnant with twins. Eeek!

It still seems so unreal. Even when I was watching the ultrasound screen, it didn't seem like it was me we were looking at. I thought that seeing the heartbeat would automatically put me at ease that everything was going to be okay and it has, a little, but I'm still so worried. I don't know if it's the maternal instinct kicking in where I'm going to always worry about my child and want to make sure he/she is okay. It's just knowing that I have a little heart beating inside of me and I want to do everything in my power to keep it safe and happy.

I've attached the two pictures they gave us at the ultrasound today. There's really not much to see at this point. Although, judging by the 3-D picture, I'd say I'm carrying a squirrel.

Progressing

Well, there's been a little bit of progress since my last blog. I was able to get in to see the doctor on Monday. We did a lot of talking and I had a quick exam but that was about it. She sent me for more blood work to check my HCG level again and make sure it was rising appropriately. Since we still don't know when this baby was conceived, it's hard for the doctor to figure out how far along I am and she wanted to see what the levels were before scheduling an ultrasound. I guess if you go too early, you won't be able to see anything.

So I went for the blood work early Tuesday morning and stressed about the results for the rest of the day. The doctor told me if I didn't hear anything from them by Wednesday at noon to call the office. Well, by Wednesday at 10am I couldn't take the suspense anymore and I called. Of course I had to leave a stupid voice message! So frustrating. By 1:00 I still hadn't heard anything so I decided to become one of those patients and call back. This time I went straight to the receptionist and pleaded my case until she got a nurse on the phone to talk to me. The nurse seemed a little annoyed but whatever, I got what I wanted.

Okay, so remember my numbers from the first blood draw were 1152? HCG levels are supposed to double every 48 hours, which should've put me at 9,216 by Monday. Well on Tuesday, my level was 14,840!!!!! I freaked out when the nurse told me. It was an instant wave of relief mixed with excitement and shock. Not only did I get pregnant, but it actually seems to be progressing! I seriously cannot believe this is happening.

The nurse told me to go ahead and schedule my ultrasound so, fingers crossed, Joe and I will be able to see our little baby's heartbeat Wednesday morning! I am really curious what my reaction will be to seeing MY baby's heartbeat for the first time. I've waited so long for this moment and it still doesn't seem real or possible. If it weren't for the nausea and the gigantic boobs, I'd think I was dreaming. I know I'm definitely not out of the woods yet but this is farther than I've ever made it before so hopefully things will keep progressing normally.

Since we got such good numbers from the blood work, I went ahead and did a "starting" belly shot. Please excuse how awful I look, I'm growing a human for Christ's sake!

SURPRISE!!

I'm pretty sure you have all heard by now that Joe and I are expecting. I think it came as a shock to all of you, but you have no idea how shocked we are. We weren't trying. Not that we were preventing, we haven't prevented since we got married, but we weren't trying or seeking treatment. Yup, for the first time in six years we got pregnant naturally. Crazy!

Since we weren't trying or keeping track of anything, I really don't know how far along I am. My last period was over 50 days ago so when the doctors look at their "wheel" they estimate I'm 8 weeks along. But, I have to remind them that I'm not normal and don't fit the parameters on their "wheel". For the last six months, my cycles have been anywhere from 33-65 days. So the fact that I hadn't had a period in over 50 days really didn't mean anything to me. In fact, it was well within my "normal" range. By my best estimation, I'm probably in the 5-6 week range.

The story of how we discovered this isn't all that exciting. Last Friday I had some brown spotting. I thought I was finally getting my period. But the spotting was very light, didn't even fill a pantyliner, and went away by the end of the day. Then my boobs started getting really sore. I still thought that my period was on the way and I kept running to the bathroom expecting to see it. But it never came. I was also REALLY moody. Like even more than normal. Borderline crazy. And I was ravenous. I remember that happening to me with my first pregnancy. On Monday I started adding up the symptoms and asked Joe what he thought. We both kind of blew it off thinking that it would never be possible. But, for our peace of mind, we went ahead and got a pregnancy test.

The line came up immediately. I mean, before the test even processed to the control line, the positive line was there and dark. My first reaction was that I had a defective test. I've never seen the positive line show up that fast and thought my control line was in the wrong place. Then the control line came up. I. Almost. Died. I whipped open the bathroom door and Joe could tell by the look on my face that it was positive. He came into the bathroom to look for himself. With everything we've been through, our reaction wasn't the normal reaction to a positive pregnancy test. We both kind of had an "oh no, here we go again" reaction. Because for us, a positive pregnancy test usually ends up breaking our hearts. But we laughed and cried and hugged and celebrated something that we've never been able to celebrate before. An honest to goodness surprise pregnancy.

I was able to get in for a blood test and my numbers, at this point, are very good. The doctor likes to see HCG levels of at least 100. Mine was 1152! With my other two pregnancies, I never had a number over 105. So it made me feel better to see such a high number. I don't have a real doctor's appointment until Monday and I hope they'll schedule me for an ultrasound as soon as possible. I really, really want to see that heartbeat! I think once I see it I'll feel a million times better. I'm just so scared that something is going to go wrong. I hold my breath every time I go to the bathroom, afraid that I'll be bleeding. I analyze every little symptom and try to figure out if it is "enough" for me to really be pregnant. I don't know how to shake that scared feeling.

I attribute this pregnancy 100% to my new healthy lifestyle. I think the diet and exercise helped me ovulate. I kind of wish someone would've told me to do this a long time ago. Not that I would've listened, but still. You'd think the doctor would encourage me to lose weight and get healthy before subjecting my body to so many invasive tests and procedures. But, they don't get paid to be weight loss consultants I guess.

At this point we're maintaining a cautiously optimistic attitude. We really want to be happy and enjoy this time in our lives but are still carrying around the memories of our losses. We both feel much better this time around than we have with any of the others. We feel that since this one happened on it's own and wasn't done synthetically that maybe it is stronger than the others were. Maybe the best of the best from both of us finally got together and have made our baby. That's what we're hoping for anyway.

I will keep you posted after my first appointment on Monday. Thank you all so much for all the kind words and well wishes you've sent our way. It means a lot that our baby already has so many people that love him/her.

Giving Thanks

I complain a lot around here. I complain about how hard life can be, how things don't go my way, how I don't have enough of this or that. It's so easy to remember what I don't have because it's always right there staring me in the face. It's much harder to stop for a second, take a look around and be thankful for what I do have. I know this is so mushy and cliche at Thanksgiving but if I don't do it now, when will I ever do it? These are the things I'm thankful for today...

My home. I often complain that it's not big enough or it's too old or I don't have enough closet space. But, my home is warm and inviting and cozy and when I walk through the door at the end of the day I let out a sigh of relief that I am back in my safe little cocoon.

My job. Yes it's hard and yes it's overwhelming but I have a great job. In a time where many don't have jobs at all, I take mine for granted. I am a part, albeit a small one, of our country's space program and I get to see things on a daily basis that a lot of people will never see in their lives. I have health insurance and a 401k and my own little office.

My mother. God she knows just how to drive me nuts. She says the wrong things and doesn't always know when to not say anything but she's here. She's making an effort to be a part of my life and is there to support me when I need her.

My husband. I get annoyed with how slow he drives and how he doesn't load the dishwasher the right way and plays his video games too loud but he's here, with me. I never have to wonder if he's out at the bar or driving home drunk. And he's helping me! He does the dishes and helps with dinner and if I ask him to do something he will. He wants what's best for me and will sacrifice for himself so I can have what is best.

My dogs. They love to eat my cork coasters and it pisses me off. They also still pee on the floor sometimes. It drives me nuts when they pull during their walks. But, I don't know what I'd do without them. I am so glad that I get to see their sweet faces when I get home or reach over in the middle of the night and snuggle with them. They make me laugh and comfort me when I'm sad. They are the epitome of joyful living.

My health. I stand in front of the mirror every morning while I'm waiting for the shower to heat up and pinch all the flabby areas on my body. I love to pull and manipulate the flab so I can see what I'd look like if I lost that particular fat roll. But, I've come a long way this year in terms of my health. I have changed my life for the better. I am proud of how strong my body has become and how much better I feel.

My family and friends. It's hard to keep in touch. Everyone has their own life going on and we all get busy and forget to stop and say hello. With all the blogging and email and facebook, we get accustomed to see what's going on with everybody in short little blurbs and updates. But even though all we're getting are short little blurbs at a time, we are keeping up with each other. I don't know many people that can say they talk to their cousins or aunts on an almost daily basis. We're connected and we're supportive of each other.

There are a million other things in life that I am thankful for but right now these are the ones that are at the front of my mind. I know once a year isn't enough to remember all the things we're thankful for but it's a start. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday filled with friends and family. I hope that you create memories that will last a lifetime.

Vanity Sizing

You've heard of vanity sizing right? It's the trend sweeping clothing stores to put smaller sizes on bigger clothes. The idea is that if you fit into a smaller size, you'll feel better about yourself and will buy more clothes. They are essentially making profit off playing into our emotions and our desire to be thin. Well, they caught me... hook, line, and sinker.

I finally got a tape measure this weekend and took my body measurements. As you know, I didn't take my measurements when I started dieting. But, I did pull out an old sheet of measurements from a consultation with my trainer from way back in February 2008. The results are pretty incredible. When I started this diet I was four pounds heavier than I was at that consultation so I figure the numbers must be pretty close. So, since then, I have lost 5 inches off my waist, 5 inches off my bust, and 7 inches off my hips!!!! I consider those pretty amazing accomplishments.

Why is any of this important? Because I am trying to learn my new body and figure out what size and styles compliment it best. I was actually very surprised by my new measurements (33-27-37) and what it meant for my body type. I've always considered myself an hourglass figure... defined waist, hips and bust about the same size. Turns out, I'm now a pear shape. Who knew?! Also, it turns out that I was WAY wrong on my bra size. Pre-diet I was in a 36C. Now, according to my measurements, I should be in a 34A!! I mean, I knew they'd gotten a lot smaller but I never thought I'd be an A. It really doesn't matter, I was just very shocked.

So where does the vanity sizing issue come in? I've been getting kind of frustrated because I don't really know what size I wear. I've steadily been buying new clothes as the weight comes off and have been celebrating every new size down along the way. But, just as I'm celebrating the new smaller size at one store, I have to go back up a size or two at the next store. Then I feel foolish for bragging about first size. I thought the measurements would help me pinpoint my actual size but all it's left me is more frustrated.

Apparently, it's not me... it's them. The clothing designers and the companies that play on my desire to wear a smaller size. For instance, this weekend I went to one of my favorite stores for work clothes, NY & Company. I think I know now why I love them so much. As of yesterday at NY & Co. I wore a size 4. Shocking right?! It was to me. And very suspicious too. So I went on their website to look at their size chart. Turns out, I fall right into the size 4 size guidelines. But I don't think I look like what a size 4 person looks like so I checked out a couple more websites to see if my speculations about vanity sizing were correct. Low and behold, I was right. According to American Eagle's size charts I'm a 6, chickdowntown.com- an 8, and bluefly.com- an 8/10. Different sizes for the same measurements.

Now, it doesn't really matter what size I end up in; I'll buy whatever fits. But, it would be nice to not have to look up size charts for every store I walk into so I know what size will fit me. And I know that no matter what size it said on the labels of all those pairs of NY & Co work pants, I needed pants that fit me at that moment. But it kind of pisses me off that I was so gullible to believe their sizes were correct.

The moral of this story is- ignore the label. Because who knows who is deciding what number to put on it. Figure out what your body type is and buy what fits.

A moment of silence

I know my last couple of blogs have been very job specific but that's basically the only thing I've had going on over the last 3 weeks. This career change has been overwhelming and all encompassing. I can barely remember what day it is and when I get home I just want to zone out and not think about anything. My brain is in overload mode.

I think it's the pressure I put on myself that is making this so hard for me. Obviously, the job is challenging. Supervising 12 people and learning their jobs as well as my new job is a lot to take on. Add in the fact that I really don't have anyone to train me, and it just gets harder. But, just like everything in my life, I put pressure on myself to be the best at it right away. I want to be an expert. I hate feeling dumb and having to ask for help. I realize these thoughts are ridiculous and that NO ONE expects me to be an expert in 3 weeks but I can't stop beating myself up for it.

I've had a few moments of wondering if it's all worth it. Is the money and the job title worth living with a numb brain? Is it worth having to work late and feel stressed out and guilty that I wasn't home earlier to let my dogs out or give them their walk? Is it worth not being able to email back and forth with my friends all day or browse 10 different gossip sites? Maybe I'll feel differently when I get my first full pay check with the raise. I keep repeating the same Biggie Smalls line in my head, "Mo money, mo problems." LOL

I know what you're all probably thinking, WAAAAAAHHHHH cry baby is never happy. You're probably right. But, could the "never happy" in me just be my ambition pushing me to do better for myself? If I was just content to sit in the same place my whole life, I'd probably still be working at the nursing home with no college degree, making minimum wage wiping old person butt. And, honestly, I'm not unhappy. I'm very proud of myself for working hard and getting to where I am today. It's that pride that keeps me going and pushes me to learn and grow and be the best.

When my boss urged me to apply for this job I tried to reason that money isn't everything and that sometimes it's better to take home a smaller pay check and your sanity. He looked at me and asked the question that I had been asking myself for a while, "Tricia, how long can you continue to dumb it down before you get tired of it?" And he was totally right. I could've stayed in my old job, they would've been totally happy to keep me. But it wasn't a challenge and I was bored. Along with all the stresses, this new job has me thinking and interacting and being creative. Hey, and if I ever get laid off, having "Manager" on the resume sure looks a lot better than "Clerk".

I know this blog is all over the place and doesn't make much sense but sometimes it's nice for me to just write the thoughts as they come out. It's nice to have a moment of silence where I can reason with myself (and all of you in the blogosphere) and realize that it will get easier. I can take a moment to remember where I've been and how far I've come and how much I've had to face and conquer along the way. I'll get there. As long as I keep pushing myself to be the best, I'll keep moving forward.

Oh, and another thing, my position finally matches my wardrobe. WOOT! I'm definitely the sharpest dressed supervisor they've got. LOL

who, what, where, why

So I knew that taking on the responsibility of supervisor would be a big change in my job duties but I really think I underestimated the amount of stuff that I now need to know. These past two weeks have been very overwhelming. The amount of information I've been taking in has made my brain feel like mush. I'm mentally exhausted by the time I get home. I barely remember what day it is.

But, I made it through two weeks. And they've been throwing some pretty heavy shizz my way. Three days into the job I had to take part in a video conference with representatives from every center around the country. I've had to make decisions about time off requests and flex time requests. I've been sitting with each one of my employees to go over job responsibilities and listened to them complain about each other. I've had to figure out two new software systems and try to provide monthly data reports. This week I took part in a knowledge management team conference. The conference was very exciting, until they looked at me for my input and suggestions. I'm surprised people didn't swerve to avoid the deer-in-headlights look I gave them. It's quite overwhelming. I get my first new paycheck tomorrow. I'm hoping it's all worth it.

At this point I'm glad I made the change. I'm sure as I get deeper in, I'll probably change my mind several times. There have been moments when I walk past my old desk and think longingly back to the days where I could browse the Internet for hours at a time, balance my checkbook, and shoot off emails to my friends. But I'm 30 years old now and need to start using my full potential. The old job wasn't enough for me. I'm smart and I have good ideas and need to challenge myself. I challenged myself to get my body in shape, now it's time for my brain.

Work has really been my main focus lately but I do have some fun stuff coming up this weekend. Lindsey's baby shower is Saturday. Her girlfriends have taken the reins and planned this one. It's a really strange feeling going as a guest rather than planning the event. I think it'll be nice for a change. Her girlfriends are really sweet and funny and they've got some great stuff planned so I'm sure we'll have a blast.

Sunday Joe and I are going to try our hand at kayaking! One of our friends kayaks in the river and offered to take us out with him. So we're going to rent some kayaks and head out to the river. I've wanted to try kayaking for a while now. I think it'll be a really good arm exercise. Plus, I love being out in nature and the river is so beautiful. And the weather is going to be amazing this weekend. I'm a little scared. Mostly of alligators and manatees. I've heard that if you kayak over them they can get scared and tip your kayak. I think I might die if I end up in the river with a gator. Oh God, and if my feet touch that slimy river bottom... Ugh... I shudder at the thought. So, cross your fingers that I stay dry.

I guess that's all for now. I hope you all have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

I got beat by Tigger

Yeah, the fluffy cartoon character. Well, more specifically, some dude dressed up as Tigger beat me last night in my second 5k. Also, a lady and her dog, both dressed as Super Woman, and some old, fat guy wearing WAY too short American flag shorts. All of them crossed the finish line before me. There is some good news though. First of all, I crossed the finish line. Secondly, I improved on my last 5k time and finished in just over 38 minutes. Third, I ran the ENTIRE race!!!

I've been sick since last Friday, not able to run or really exercise at all. I tried to run on Wednesday but was still too weak and only ended up finishing two miles. I was seriously worried about how I'd do last night and told myself to just do as much as I could handle. That there would be no shame in walking if I needed to. But then it happened, the adrenaline kicked in and that really mean, really competitive Tricia in my head piped up and wouldn't let me stop. So I didn't. I didn't run fast but I kept a fairly even pace throughout the whole race. There were a couple of times when I thought there was no way I could keep going but I pumped my music and even danced a little while I was running just to keep myself in it. I figured if there were people running in wigs and dressed as superheroes, then me doing a little dancing while running wouldn't look that crazy.

After the race we went for sushi and it was SO delicious. I haven't had sushi in six months! We ordered it with brown rice and couldn't really tell the difference between that and the real thing. It was definitely a nice reward for doing so well in the race. Rice isn't normally something I would eat on my diet but I'm getting to the point where I need to find ways to incorporate more carbs into my diet. This isn't a problem I've ever had but, since hitting my goal weight, I haven't figured out how to stop losing weight. I'm down another 3.4 pounds.

I know I need to eat more carbs but I'm not sure the best way to get them. I've been eating a piece of low carb, wheat toast every morning and I've been eating an occasional low carb wrap and some peanut butter here and there but I haven't added any substantial servings of carbs to my diet. I'm going to have to do some research on good, healthy, complex carbohydrates and try to squeeze them in. It's really hard because I'm not hungry. Some mornings I feel like I'm forcing myself to eat the toast just to get some carbs. That probably isn't the healthiest behavior to learn at this point. But I guess this is what maintaining is about, figuring out a healthy way to stay at a healthy weight. So, that's my new mission.

In other news, my first week on the new job went okay. I am very clueless at this point and have just been trying to absorb as much information as possible. My employees, I think, are warming up to the idea of me as their supervisor. I had to do my first staff meeting and also had to participate in my first video conference with supervisors from around the country. It was quite terrifying but I survived. I'm really excited about learning and trying to make good changes but need to realize that may take some time. It's one of my weaknesses, no patience. I want to be the best and know everything right away. But, I need to learn how to be more realistic. Just like training for my 5k's, I had to walk before I could run.

I hope you all have a Happy Halloween!!!

An October to remember

In the history of Octobers, this one is ranking up there with the best. Honestly, I don't think I've had a month this great in a really long time. I'd hate to jinx it by putting it in writing but I feel like it needs to be commemorated somehow. Usually Joe and I are wading through the shit that comes along with our bad luck but right now things appear to be on the upswing.

I started out the month in grand fashion having just completed my first 5k. Technically it was in September but the high carried over into October. By finishing the run I proved to myself that I am strong and able to do anything I put my mind to. It also inspired me to continue my training and to sign up for my next 5k, which is coming up this Friday.

Then last week I hit my goal weight. When I started this diet I honestly didn't think I'd make it. But, once again, I proved to myself that anything is possible. I look better, I feel better, and I have more confidence in myself.

Finally, the event that has really put the cherry on top of this month, I've been promoted at work! I am now... wait for it... THE BOSS!! Seriously. I am now the supervisor of Library Services and the Engineering Document Center. I will be managing 12-17 employees. Crazy, right?! I am honored that my bosses think so highly of me to promote me from basically the lowest position in my department (pay wise and responsibility) to the boss. I even beat out a couple of women who had more experience. But, they said that I blew them away in the interview and that they think I'm the right person to transition the department into the future. I am a little nervous but also very excited. In my current position I don't feel like I've worked at my full potential. Now I feel like I have that opportunity. And, the job came with a pretty sweet raise too.

So, all in all, I got to say that this October has been pretty fantastic. With one week to go, I can't imagine too much more excitement but Joe is up for his review (and hopefully raise) this week so fingers crossed that it just keeps getting better.

GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

I did it. 30 pounds today!!! Technically, 30.2 pounds, but who's counting. I am simultaneously stunned and excited. Stunned because I wasn't expecting it today and because I can't believe I actually did it. I'm so proud of myself for staying focused and really pushing myself to keep it up.

It's funny because even though I've seen the pictures and I've watched the numbers on the scale go down and I've seen the clothes sizes drop, I don't feel like a thin person yet. I don't know how to let go of the chubby girl that I've been my entire life. I wish I could see in the mirror what other people see when they look at me. Because I don't feel entirely different. I don't feel like I look that different. But obviously I do because the reactions I get from people who haven't seen me in a long time are overwhelmingly positive.

I am happy at this point though. I'm going to shift my focus from weight loss to maintenance and toning. I have no idea how to do that yet and it is kind of terrifying. Now that I'm here and I know how hard I've worked to get here, I am so scared to go back. I am afraid that if I slip up that I could be back where I was in no time. So I think I'm going to start with small changes. Add in more complex carbohydrates here and there. A piece of high fiber wheat bread with breakfast or a sweet potato with dinner. I want to try to stay as far away from processed foods and simple carbohydrates as possible. I will just have to be conscious of how my clothes feel and what the numbers on the scale look like.

So now's the time to come clean. To be honest about the numbers. I really wish I would've taken my measurements when I started because I know I've lost a lot of inches. I can tell in my waist line for sure. But, I started overweight at 5'6", 170 pounds with a Body Mass Index of 27.44 (overweight range is 25-30). I am now down to 139.8 pounds with a BMI of 22.59 (healthy range is 18.5-25). The healthy weight range for my height and frame is 130-144 pounds. I've gone from a clothes size 12-14 to a 6-8!! Shocking!! I haven't been this size since I was 19 years old. I've also gone from barely being able to run on the treadmill for 1 minute to running 2.75 miles straight.

I am so proud of my accomplishments and so glad that I've been able to share them with all of you. I definitely don't feel like my journey is over because I'm sure maintaining will be just as much of a challenge as losing the weight has been. But I feel like I've got the tools, the attitude and the determination to keep it up. Plus the added pressure of staying in those size 6's!

It's a good day.

Look how far we've come

Six years. Joe and I have been married six whole years. It's weird for me because I go from feeling that the time has flown by to not remembering my life without Joe in it. We've been through a lot in our six years but I'm looking forward to everything that is still to come.

We had a very nice anniversary. Joe actually left on a work trip to Atlanta today (our actual anniversary) so we decided to celebrate last night. We also decided to treat ourselves to a night off the diet so we got all dolled up and went out to a nice dinner. We picked a place in Orlando called, Fleming's Steakhouse. After browsing the online menus of a ton of different restaurants, this one just looked too good to pass up. We're very glad we picked it because it was delicious.

From the moment we walked into the restaurant, we were treated very special. When we made the reservation the hostess asked if it was for a special occasion. Joe told them it was our 6 year anniversary so everyone was prepared for us. They all told us happy anniversary and were just very pleasant and polite every step of the way.

On the way to the restaurant, I was trying to plan out my carbs. Something I've gotten in the habit of. I figured I'd skip the bread basket because it's not that big of deal to me but splurge on dessert. Well, epic FAIL on that one. They brought out the bread, which I like to think was baked by angels, and it was all over for me. It was rosemary infused bread with a roasted tomato butter spread and a champagne infused brie spread. Okay?! How is a girl supposed to refuse champagne infused anything?! I ended up enjoying three slices. And I don't care. That was the best bread I've ever eaten in my entire life. True story.

Then came the appetizer. Lobster tempura. Yup, deep fried lobster. About a billion carbs. We actually expected it to be much smaller than it was. It was 4 lobster tails and came with tempura mushrooms, red peppers, and asparagus. It was so delicious. I actually liked the tempura veggies more than the lobster but everything was so good. Being that we hadn't had any carbs in a while, we were pretty much full by the time we finished the appetizer. For dinner we didn't do too badly. I had a fillet and creamed spinach while Joe had seared scallops and chipotle mac-n-cheese. We hardly touched the mac-n-cheese though because we were pretty stuffed from everything else.

But since I'd been planning on dessert for weeks and since I'd been having naughty dreams about one particular dessert on the menu I had to save room for it. They boxed up half my dinner and I ordered the... wait for it... caramel walnut turtle pie!!! Yeah, I figured if I was going to cheat, I was going to make it worth it. On this diet, I think more than the taste of sweets, you begin to miss textures. Smooth, creamy, gooey... you can't get those textures from meat and veggies. So I was really excited when the pie came out and it was all those textures combined. It was so sweet and so decadent that we could only eat a couple bites each but we enjoyed those bites immensely.

After our dessert, the waiter brought over a special gift from the restaurant. It was four homemade chocolate truffles. We were both so stuffed that we couldn't even begin to taste them. We had the waiter box them up and we brought those home too. We gifted them to my mom this morning since our cheat day was officially over. It's nice every now and then but man, we really pay for those cheats the next day. It almost feels like being hung over. I don't know if you're body goes into shock from all the sugar or what. We both had headaches and belly aches this morning. It really reminds us why we continue to eat the way we do. We just really feel better without all the crap.

Anyway, 6 years down, many more to go. Just for fun, I've attached a couple of pictures. One from our wedding day. One of us just before we started our diet 4 months ago. And one from last night. Look how far we've come!

The Final Frontier

I am hearing the music from the beginning of Star Wars as I'm starting to write this post. That's because I am entering a new frontier. A galaxy that no Tricia has gone before. A place I didn't even know could exist. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have entered into the world of skinny jeans.

Dun, dun, duuuuuuunnnnnn......

I honestly didn't think I'd ever do it. As a matter of fact, while searching through old blog posts, I found this entry from April 27, 2008. And I quote, "I love flare leg jeans and can't even imagine stepping into ultra-trendy skinny jeans." But here I am, on the eve of my first skinny jean day. I guess that's why you never say never.

When I started my weight loss journey I would day dream about the clothes that I could possibly get to wear if I got to my goal weight. It was kind of like starting any other diet though. You're really determined but in the back of your mind you have that nagging voice of failure. The one that tells you not to get your hopes up because in a couple of weeks you could be back to eating Chinese take-out while watching The Biggest Loser (I've done it). I don't know what was different this time. I don't know what finally clicked in our heads and gave us the determination to see this through. I'm getting really close to my goal weight. As of this morning I was 2.4 pounds away. I haven't been this size since I was 19 or 20. I didn't think I'd ever get back here and I can honestly say that I am shocked to be here.

I think that sticking with the diet and meeting my goal of running the 5k has really changed my perspective on life. I think it's made me less afraid to try things. I have more confidence in myself now. I know that if I really put my mind to it, I can accomplish really great things. And I'm not afraid to try. Skinny jeans included.

It's a little terrifying thinking about wearing them to work for the first time. Even though I've seen the numbers on the scale go down and I've seen the clothes sizes go down and have had people telling me they can see the changes in me, I still kind of feel like that fat girl. I don't want to be one of those fat women from the Ricky Lake show that lost a little bit of weight and suddenly thought they could wear Daisy Duke's. Ya know? I know that I have a very distorted view of myself and my body so I trust Joe's opinion when he tells me something looks good. And he has put the stamp of approval on the skinny jeans.

So off I go into the wild blue jean yonder. I'm gonna strut my new ass in my new skinny jeans and hold my head up high. I worked hard to get here and I'm proud to show it off.

The Joys of Homeownership

Remind me again why it's so great to own a home? Because right now, I can't think of very many good reasons.

Sure, buying a home is a good investment... in the long run- not now, of course, because the economy sucks. But, overall owning a home is a nice, stable investment. Taking care of a home, on the other hand, really freaking sucks sometimes. Especially when, as in my case, your home was built in 17 B.C. Or at least it feels like it at times.

I swear with this house it's always one step forward, one huge leap back. We're short on money this weekend so we thought it'd be a good chance to stay home and work on all the little things that need to be done around here. Cleaning the gutters, cleaning the blinds, scrubbing the shower, washing the windows, dusting the fans... all the really fun stuff. Well, wouldn't you know that as soon as we get geared up to work on our projects for the day, something in our house goes bust.

This time it was the drain for our kitchen sink and washing machine. Oh it was just so lovely. I ran a load of dishes in the dishwasher and as it was draining, the sink in our utility room started to fill up with all sorts of lovely things like grease and old food particles. Fun. We thought we could get away with some Draino and a prayer. The sink drained so I started a load of laundry only to have the damn thing fill up again. This time with more food particles and grime and dog hair from the laundry. We knew then that Draino wouldn't be enough. Poor Joe had to saw open the pipes and snake the drain to clear the clog. Then he had to go to Lowe's to get stuff to fix the pipe. Poor guy. So he's only now getting to the real chores that needed to be done today.

It really makes me wonder what is so great about owning a home. Sure you get to fix it up however you want. But, once you've been in the house for a while, you're done decorating. And yeah, you don't have to share walls with anyone but you have annoying ass neighbors who hound you about what you're going to do about the dead plants in your flower bed. Oh- you guys don't have one of those neighbors? Hmmm... lucky you. And then there is the matter of the mortgage. You know they expect that every month?! How dare they? Joe and I laugh every time the bill comes in. Like, it's here AGAIN?! Didn't we just pay that?

Don't get me wrong, I do love my house. It is my safe and comfy little cocoon. But on days like today I like to fantasize about leaving it all behind and going to rent a place so that when anything breaks we can call the land lord to deal with it.

Check!

Complete first 5k- Check!

It's done. The moment I've been working towards for 3 months. Done. I can't believe it! I have an overwhelming amount of satisfaction right now. It's an amazing feeling to know that I went from a couch potato to finishing my first 5k. In a way it feels like I've been training for this for forever but, in another way, it seems like it really hasn't been that long. I just know that I am so proud of myself for setting the goal and seeing it all the way through. It's a huge accomplishment and I'm so glad I pushed myself and believed in myself enough to make it happen.

The day started out quite stressful. The race was in downtown Orlando and even though I had two maps printed out and highlighted, we still got lost. Like several times lost. We were making u-turns and back tracking and trying to find our way pretty much all morning. It led to some tense conversations in the car. I think I was just so hyped up and nervous for the run that not being able to figure out where to go was pushing me to the brink of my stress level. It only made it more complicated that Becky and Will were following us in their car. It was a mess. We finally did make our way to the registration area though and had plenty of time to spare.

I was shocked by how large the event was. I heard someone say there were 2,300 people competing in the race today! There were people everywhere. Some very serious runners and some, like us, who looked like novices. The 15k started first and then we got lined up for our 5k. It was very strange for me to run with a crowd. I'm so used to running alone and having a ton of space to myself. Having to watch out for people was kind of distracting. I was able to run the whole first mile without stopping. There was a lady at the mile marker calling out times and we made it to that mark in 12 minutes. After that, I had to take a break. I alternated running and walking for the rest of the race. Becky was faster than me so we got separated at times but managed to catch up with each other eventually.

One of the things I was most worried about, the water stations, turned out to be the worst thing about the race. There was one water station between miles one and two. ONE!! I've been running with a water bottle and am used to having it available whenever I needed it. It was tough to go without. So, lesson learned, next time I will definitely be carrying water with me.

All in all, Becky and I both did fantastic. We finished in 41 minutes. It hurt our pride just a touch that the first 15k runner finished at the same time we did but, whatever. Freak. There were tons of people behind us so we felt good about that. There was a firefighter running in the 5k with his full gear on! Oxygen tank and everything!! That guy is amazing! What an inspiration. We are definitely planning on continuing with racing. We've already picked our next 5k. It'll be on October 30. The new goal is to try to finish that one in 40 minutes or less!

Thank you to everyone for your support and advice. I really appreciate it. You guys are all so encouraging and I really appreciate you being here to cheer me on. Kristen, we'll all be cheering you on tomorrow! Good luck with your 10k!! You go girl!!

I posted some pictures in the family album of our race and Emily's last week. The pictures of our race aren't great. Joe said I was running too fast for him to take a picture. Yeah right.

Cheaters never prosper...

But they sure do have a hell of a lot of fun!

Joe and I had a cheat night on Friday. I was having a crappy kind of day, work was stressful, I wasn't feeling fantastic, just overall blah. So, of course I turned to the things that always make me feel better, shopping and food. Unfortunately my check book can't handle the type of shopping I had in mind so I ended up soothing my pain with food. Yes, I know it is very unhealthy to reward/comfort with food but my cheats are very few and very far between so I feel like I earned it.

We decided on a local pizza place that has THE BEST pizza. Well, the best pizza in our area anyway. It's definitely our local favorite. We split an order of cheese sticks (2 each) and a small pizza. We also each had a beer. Michelob Ultra for me, Miller Light for Joe. It was SO good. Like, wow. Being away from pizza and beer for so long really made me appreciate every delicious bite. It definitely made all the months of eating right and exercising worth it. Saturday morning, we got right back to the diet.

I had a good run on Saturday morning. I can't believe I only have 2 (or 3- I haven't decided) more runs until my race. I am really, really looking forward to it. To be this close to a goal is amazing. I feel so proud of myself for actually sticking with it and working so hard to get here. I've decided to wear my sweat wicking capris and a long, fitted tank top that I've run in before and that is comfortable and doesn't ride up. I think that is my most comfortable running ensemble. For the last week I've been running outside with a water bottle but as long as they have regular water stations at the race I most likely won't carry one during the race because it is kind of a pain. Other than that, I think I'm pretty much set.

I've got to give huge props to Emily for completing her 5k yesterday in 30 minutes!! You go girl! I read about your accomplishment on Meg's Twitter. You're my idol, I'm very proud of you. Way to take 30 by the balls and squeeze! LOL

Have a great week everybody!!

Quote of the day

This hilarious quote comes from one of my favorite websites (I know there are many) www.overheardeverywhere.com I'm actually a fan of all the overheard websites, visit them several times a day. It's amazing how hilarious/stupid people can be. Anyway, this one hit close to home for me:

Abnormally skinny girl: I feel fat.
Normal girl: Shut up before I smother you with my muffin top.


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ch-Ch-Changes

Now that I've lost 23 pounds (what, what) I'm starting to see some major changes in my body. Changes besides the obvious of being smaller. Changes I didn't really expect. Changes I'm not sure how I feel about.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm older or if it's because I haven't lost this much weight in a really long time but my body is definitely reacting differently. I'm starting to look saggy. Kind of like a deflated balloon. Where the fat filled up my skin before, now it's just kind of empty. The biggest changes I've noticed are in my arms (hello wings), my belly, and my boobs.

So now, in addition to the cardio that I've been doing, I'm trying to add a lot more strength training. It really is something that I've been overlooking. I'd just been adding in the strength training exercises whenever I could, definitely not keeping a regular schedule. And it really shows! I guess I kind of expected everything to shrink back down when the fat came off but it doesn't seem to be happening that way.

Please don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my slimmer body and very proud of how far I've come. I was just able to buy some size 8 work pants! A HUGE accomplishment for me. I haven't been in a size 8 since high school or very soon after. I get that I'm making very good progress. But, leave it to me to pick out the bad in every situation. I'm fixated on my flaws. I constantly pinch at the fat wings on my upper arms, wishing I could just pull them off. When I bend over and see my hanging belly, it grosses me out. And my boobs... my poor, poor boobs. I haven't been shopping for new bras yet but I'm pretty sure I've lost a cup size. Not that I care, I prefer smaller boobs, but they have lost all their elasticity. I used to have really nice, perky boobs. Now they're turning into old lady pancake boobs. That sucks.

I'm going to turn up the intensity on the strength training and hope that it helps. I'd really hate to put all this effort into losing the weight and still be unhappy with the final product. Ya know?

Anyway, good luck to Em, who I'm pretty sure is running her 5k this weekend. I hope you have a great race! Happy Birthday too!! Welcome to 30. It's actually not so bad. And Kristen, one more week and it's our turn to run!! EEEEEK!!!

Advice

This Saturday will make two weeks until my 5k. TWO WEEKS!!! I'm so nervous. I've improved enormously from where I started but I am still, by no means a runner. I see a runner as someone who does it almost effortlessly. Running for me is not effortless. Not even close. But, I have to give props to myself for sticking with it and for pushing myself a little bit further with every work out.

At this point I am completing the 3.1 miles in 40 minutes. It's right about a 13 minute mile. That's a combination of running and walking. The requirement for the 5k is that you do at least a 20 minute mile. So, hopefully, I won't be the last person to cross the finish line. I would love to better that time but I'm not going to push it. I'm going to keep on trying though and maybe by my next race I'll speed up a bit.

I do have some concerns about race day. I'm hoping some of you who have actually done a race can help me out. Here are my issues:

Do you warm up before the race? And how?

Right now I do a brisk 5 minute walk to warm up. On race day, can I walk to start out? Will the runners trample me? Or do I, like, do jumping jacks before the race to warm up? I'm just not sure how that works and if there is some sort of etiquette I'm supposed to follow.

Secondly, what do I do about a water bottle?

I need water while I'm running. I get a serious case of cotton mouth and NEED water. Right now, my treadmill has a cup holder so it's very convenient. But what do I do in the real world? When I have run outside I've gone without and it makes things so much harder. I've seen water bottle belts and arm bands. Have you used those? Do they work? Or should I just carry a bottle?

Lastly, what should I wear?

I have a pair of moisture wicking capris that I'll most likely wear but should I invest in a sweat wicking shirt too? Should I wear the shirt they give me in my race packet? What about a tank top? I'm trying to avoid chaffing as much as possible so I want something relatively form fitting. Oh, and I hate crew neck t-shirts when I'm running. They mess up the cord on my headphones.

So, all you race veterans out there, help a girl out! Oh, and any songs you have on your i-pod that get you over "the hump", send them my way. THANKS!

Sweet Home Alabama

Joe and I made it home from our Labor Day road trip to Alabama yesterday. We had a wonderful time. It was so great seeing his family and spending time with the kids. My nieces are all getting so big and so smart! It stinks that we don't get to see them more regularly but it's always nice when we can spend some time together. We are already planning a family vacation to Key West in December and another trip to Alabama for Christmas.

The drive to Alabama is LONG. We left at 3:30am on Saturday morning and it took us a full 12.5 hours to get there. We had our dogs with us and tried to stop every 2-3 hours so they could get out and stretch their legs and use the bathroom. They are such little troopers. They both pretty much just slept in the back seat the whole time. I was so proud of them.

One of my biggest complaints about the drive up there is the lack of rest stops. Florida is so great about having rest stops at a reasonable distance. And most rest stops have dog walking areas. Not Georgia and Alabama. Most of the drive is not on highways. It's on back country roads that wind in and out of towns. There are not many good places to stop. We tried to find clean looking gas stations that had at least a small patch of grass so we could all use the bathroom.

Joe and I managed to do really well on our diets this weekend too. We packed a cooler with waters and low-carb wraps and some lunch meat and made picnic lunches so we didn't have to stop for fast food. We did have a few non-diet items while we were in Alabama but nothing that derailed the diet. We both actually managed to lose a couple of pounds over the weekend. It was hard to be on a road trip and not stop for junk/fast food. It's almost like breaking tradition. We may have been really bored too. Both of us started craving greasy junk food during the drive up and back. But, we resisted. I even managed to squeak in a run while we were up there.

Joe's mom has a house on 22 acres and my dogs really enjoyed running around in her back yard. I was afraid Roxy wasn't going to want to come home. We took a tennis ball with us and spent lots of time in the back yard playing fetch. Roxy even made friends with the horses that live on the property. Daisy did not. She stood about 10 feet away and growled. It was so nice and peaceful at Joe's mom's house though. She has a pair of hummingbirds that would come up to the porch to drink out of the flowers all day long. It was pretty cool to see them. They were too fast for pictures though.

Anyway, it's back to work and back to routine now. We're all pretty exhausted today but hopefully will get caught up in time for the weekend. I hope you all had a great Labor Day!!

P.S. There are vacation pictures in the family album.

Quote of the day

I'm sure I've told you all before how much I love Kathy Griffin. I think she is hilarious. Well, she's got a book coming out (Official Book Club Selection: A Memoir According to Kathy Griffin) and she's been doing some press for it. Anyway, she gave a quote to People magazine about her struggle with weight loss and I can definitely relate:

Now at her "thinnest" weight, at 5 feet 3 inches tall and 115 lbs., Griffin admits, "staying in shape is a struggle. I struggle with it every day. I just came from a very healthy lunch but the whole time I was having the healthy lunch I wished I was having cupcakes," she says. "It's not a simple thing. I have to watch what I eat and I have to work out quite a bit."

Amen sister! I'm about to go have a grilled chicken salad for lunch and I'm already wishing I was having a grilled cheese and potato chips. Oh well. Grilled cheese and chips won't help me get to my goal but the salad certainly will.

One small step for a woman

Progress. Small steps in the right direction. That's what I'm taking. This weekend I had a long overdue conversation with my family and I feel like we all got a chance to say what we haven't been able to say for a long time. Hopefully it will help us move forward. I've also made an appointment to see a counselor. I'm scared as hell but feel like it's necessary. I need help. I need someone to help me out of this place. This very scary/confusing place.

The place I'm at right now is so weird. I have two extremes going on in my life. On one side, I'm doing amazingly well with my diet and exercise. I'm now down 19 pounds and am fully into a size 10. In jeans even! My body is looking better, I'm feeling better, I'm making progress with my running, and I'm very proud of my accomplishments. On the other side, though, I have the tangled mess of my infertility. I'm at a crossroad and really, really don't know where to go. My choices are getting more and more limited and harder and harder to make. I'm hoping the counseling will help me with those decisions.

I feel sad that I'm stepping back from the blog. I just feel like I've gotten to a point where my sharing is hurting/offending others. I don't want to do that. I miss the outlet though. I have been doing some blogging anonymously and it helps to get those feelings out but I love "talking" to all of you and seeing your comments and knowing that you're out there. And, besides the diet and exercise, my issues with infertility are really the biggest thing going on in my life. So I feel like that's the only thing I have to talk about. And, believe me, talking about it gets old after a while. Again, I hope the counseling helps with that. Maybe once I get it all out it'll free up my mind to talk/think about other things.

I do have one silly story for you though. I was at the gym the other day and noticed, when I got on the treadmill, that it had water spots on it. I thought someone spilled their water or something. Then, when I was running, I felt water splash on me every once in a while. I kept thinking, "dang, I'm really sweating a lot today". Then I noticed the dude on the treadmill next to me. Actually, first I noticed his treadmill was very wet... like it was raining on it. Then I noticed him, dripping sweat and flinging it all over his general vicinity... and mine. It took me a minute to put together the fact that the water dripping on me wasn't mine, but his. I almost barfed all over my treadmill. A few days later I noticed him running (and spraying) again but that time I chose a treadmill away from the splash zone. So gross. I'm so glad my gym has anti-bacterial wipes handy so I can wipe down the machines. Blech.

Big road trip coming up this weekend. Joe and I (and the girls) are making a trip to Alabama to visit with his family. 13 hours in the car, on some of the most rural roads ever. I think I'll be updating my i-phone with some music to keep us entertained. I love to sing in the car... Joe doesn't love it so much when I sing. I can always tell I've gotten too loud when he turns up the volume. I can't help it... the rhythm moves me. Last time we visited Alabama, we left after work and drove all night. We have vowed to never, ever do that again. We were way too tired and the roads up there are way too dark. So this time we plan on leaving very early Saturday morning. We'll be back on Tuesday. Hopefully I'll have lots of fun stories from the bible belt to share with y'all.

I hope you all have a great week!

Some time away

I'm back from my girls' getaway weekend. I had a great time hanging out with my girlfriends in St. Pete Beach. We stayed at the Don Cesar and it was great. The pool was amazing and the beach was gorgeous. It was a really nice break from reality. We did a lot of lounging by the pool, some drinking, and lots of laughing and talking. I didn't take any pictures with my camera so as soon as I get pictures emailed to me, I'll try to post some.



I think I need to take a break from blogging for a while. I'm going through a serious rough patch and I don't feel like I have the ability to be witty right now. I think I need some time away to work through some stuff. Through Elaina's advice I think I'm going to try some anonymous blogging/journaling. I need to have an outlet to say the things I no longer feel comfortable saying here. I also think I'm going to pursue some counseling. I think it's time. I am on the brink of alienating my family and friends and I'm scared. I don't want to lose my relationships but I don't know how to maintain them anymore. I'm not closing down the blog but, for now, I don't think I'll post as regularly as I have been. I guess only when inspiration strikes. It's been striking less and less lately. So, check back every now and then but keep in mind that the blog posts will be fewer.

Hopefully I'll be back to myself (whatever that is) someday.

Wicked and Evil, yet Hilarious

I have found a new website. It's called 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility (http://999reasonstolaughatinfertility.blogspot.com) and it is very, very funny. It may not be as funny to those who haven't experienced the indignities of infertility but, for me, it is hilarious. This post in particular had me laughing my ass off. I apologize in advance for anyone who may be offended. It's all in good fun.

The Baby Shower Survival Guide

Ten helpful hints for surviving a baby shower:

1) Arrive in tears. You are going to spend most of the baby shower crying in the bathroom anyways so why not make it a public event? Start telling other guests about your struggles with infertility and don't forget to be very detailed about ovulation and cervical mucus.

2) Tell the guest of honor she looks fat. Everyone might say to her "you look great" but why be like everyone else? You might want to tell her that you once knew someone who only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy.

3) Bring a cake that says: Congratulations! It took you less than a year to conceive!

4) Leave a negative pregnancy test and a package of birth control pills in her bathroom.

5) Spike the non-alcoholic punch and hand out cups to all the kids and the guest of honor (Don't feel badly. I'm sure in some countries one glass of wine during pregnancy won't hurt).

6) Introduce inappropriate party games including "Guess the baby daddy" and "Pin the tail on the cervix."

7) For your present, give the guest of honor a couple of shirts that say "World's Worst Mother" and "Number 1 Slut."

8) Offer to write down who gave what gift. Then mix it up! Oops!

9) Yawn loudly during present opening and ask if you can take a nap in her bed.

10) Put a sign on her front door saying "Baby shower canceled due to marital break-up."


I would never, ever dream of doing any of that stuff but it is pretty funny to think about doing them. You know, it's like Jimmy Buffett said, "If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane."

S.H.I.T. Sure Happy It's Thursday!

Making Progress

Whew!! Another crazy busy weekend! We have been two productive mo-fo's around here lately. Last weekend we got our fence fixed up, this weekend we tackled the shed. I posted pictures of our hard work in the Renovation Album. Unfortunately, I didn't take any pictures before we started ripping stuff apart so you'll only get to see the afters. But, the total project isn't done yet so the pictures are really just in between at this point.

Friday night was my girls only movie night. We watched Nights in Rodanthe. BLECH! The movie sucked. Diane Lane and Richard Gere and a whole lotta boring. I definitely don't recommend it. The girl talk was great though. This was my first movie night on my diet and I actually managed to abstain from the popcorn! I made a nice little snack for myself with grapes and strawberries, some sharp cheddar, almonds, and olives. It was really good. I only missed the popcorn a little. It was funny, at one point some popcorn dropped onto the counter and my first instinct was to scoop it up and pop it in my mouth. I was actually like, "what do you think you're doing", and dumped it into the trash. Crazy how old behaviors can just pop up out of nowhere.

Saturday was go-go-go all day. We worked our asses off. We got up early and were out the door to get some breakfast by 7:30am. We had to make a stop off at Lowe's on the way home and finally got started around 9:30. My dad came to the house to help us tear down our small shed. For some reason, someone decided that one massive eye-sore of a shed in our yard wasn't enough and added a second lean-to type shed attached to the first. We've always hated both of our sheds and it has been our mission over the last 5 years to make them less noticeable. Well, mission accomplished.

One thing I can say about that ugly ass shed, it was built to last. Joe was going at it with a sawzall and a sledge hammer and the thing was barely budging. The sheds are wired for electric so while Joe was busy with the demo, my dad was working on transferring the electrical box and outlets to the big shed. Eventually the walls came down and then the roof. We hauled three loads of lumber and shingles and other debris to the dump. We gained a lot of open area in our by taking down the shed and by moving out the fence last weekend. We are eventually going to pour concrete in the new open area and put Joe's grill and a table and some chairs over there. I can't wait to see it all finished. Make sure you check out the pictures.

After we all got cleaned up and relaxed, Joe and I took my dad out to dinner at Port Canaveral to thank him for all the hard work he's done for us around our house. It was nice to sit outside and have some beer and eat some oysters. I think my dad really enjoyed it too.

I'm really looking forward to this upcoming week. Last week wasn't a great week for me at the gym. I had several bad workouts so I'm hoping to get back on track this week. I also have a weekend away planned with my girlfriends next weekend. We're heading over to St. Petersburg Beach on Friday. I haven't gotten away with my girlfriends in a really long time so it'll be nice to finally do that.

Anyway, I guess that's my weekend in a nutshell. I hope you all have a great week!

Quote of the day

This quote comes from Christian Siriano, Project Runway winner and overall fierce bitch, via my September Glamour magazine. Defining a "hot mess".

Glamour: You seem to have coined the phrase "hot mess". Is this a positive or negative thing?

Christian Siriano: It's being both at the same time. Like, a woman who is wearing amazing heels, but can't walk in them- it's fabulous.

LOL... Christian Siriano, I love you.

Come Monday It'll Be Alright

Where do the weekends go? This one went by so fast it doesn't even feel like I had one. We were busy, busy, busy all weekend long. We didn't even get to go in the pool! But, we did get some stuff accomplished.

Joe and my dad started working on our fence project this weekend. They tore down the old gates, sunk posts for the new gates and reinforced some posts that were leaning. They'll start putting up the new slats either today or tomorrow. I'm really excited about it. Our fence has been leaning for several years now so it'll be nice to cross that project off the list. We're also gaining about 17 feet in our back yard by extending our fence and tearing down our small shed. We'll still have our big shed so we're not losing too much storage. Ideally, once everything is done, we'll be able to put our grill and a table over there. It'll be a nice shady spot for a meal. But, all in time.

I was able to get some shopping in yesterday. It was a very exciting day for me. I'm officially in size 10 pants/skirts/dresses and into medium tops. I tried on (and zipped up) a couple pairs of size 10 jeans but they were still a little more snug than I'm comfortable with. I did get a couple of skirts, a pair of pants, and a couple of dresses. Should be enough to get me through the rest of the summer and into fall. I didn't want to get too much because I'll hopefully be moving down at least one more size.

I did get past the 13.5 pound mark I'd been held at for a week. I'm now down 14.5. Not too bad! Another half pound and I'll be half way to my goal. I need to stop weighing myself everyday. I get so hung up on the .2's and .4's that the scale seems to fluctuate everyday. If I could resist the temptation and only weigh once a week, I think the results would be more encouraging. To see a bigger loss at the end of the week has got to be better than the little losses (or gains) everyday. But, I'm addicted to those numbers. I can't help it. I have to know. Even though I know the scale isn't the most reliable tool for proving results, I should be much more focused on how my body looks and how my clothes fit, I still have to see those numbers.

So anyway, I know this is a short blog but that's all I've got for now. I have movie night coming up on Friday and Joe is tearing down the little shed on Saturday. I'll try to remember to take pictures this time so I can post them in the Renovation Album for you. I haven't decided yet whether I'll move on to week 5 of my training or repeat week 4. I really want to move on and make progress but I'm just not sure if I'm ready. I'll keep you posted. Have a good week!

P.S. August is WAY too early for football!! I know it's only pre-season but I'm just not ready for summer to be over yet. Sigh...

I hate week 4

I've been dieting for 8 weeks now. It seems like forever. I'm still holding steady at 13.5 pounds lost. It's a great achievement but of course I'm not satisfied. I want more! I want it now! I am so impatient it drives me crazy! I'm so proud of myself for how well I've done but I also get so irritated that I haven't lost more. Never satisfied... story of my life.

Even though I've been dieting and exercising for 8 weeks, I'm only up to week 4 of my 5k training. I repeated both weeks 2 and 3 because I didn't feel ready to move on yet. Now I'm on week four and it is kicking my ass. I run 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, run 5 minutes, walk 2.5 minutes, run 3, walk 90 seconds, run 5. Exhausting. I did really well on Monday. Even though I was gasping for breath in the last seconds, I still finished and didn't have to stop at all. Today though, I had to stop during my last 5 minute session. I ended up running 2.5 minutes, walking 1 minute, then picking back up to a run for the last 1.5 minutes. I feel really disappointed that I couldn't do it without stopping but, whatever, I'm giving it my all.

This 5k training is so frustrating. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I honestly didn't expect this much of a challenge. I am seriously working my ass off with every work out. I guess I just thought I'd be better by now. I guess I cant expect to go from a lazy turd to a runner overnight but I really wish I was better at it. Practice is the only way to get better, so I'm going to keep at it.

The dieting is going okay. Besides the cake and champagne at Becky's wedding, I still haven't cheated. The cake really set me back though. The next two days I was craving nothing but carbs. It's like my body got a taste of sugar and remembered everything delicious that I'd ever eaten. I feel the cravings dying down now but those were a couple of tough days.

I'm hoping to do a little shopping soon. I'm completely out of my size 14's and my 12's are getting baggy. I feel very confident that I'll be into a 10 the next time I shop. That's such a huge accomplishment for me. I haven't been in a 10 for YEARS. When I started this I said I wanted to get into a size 9. Now that doesn't seem so far away. It actually seems very, very attainable. I think I may make a new goal, though, to get into a size 8. Or, whatever size corresponds with my goal weight. I think that's the most important goal. I'm aiming for a weight that will put me in the "healthy" range for my height and frame. So, whatever size I am then, I'll be happy with.

I'm really excited for the shopping though. I've been thinking about my fall wardrobe lately. I don't really know which direction I want to go. There are a lot of cute styles coming out but also some that I'm a little iffy on. I just don't know if I can pull off some of them. But, I guess there's no harm in trying. I've got my eyes on like 15 pairs of shoes already. I don't think I'll be able to get them all but hopefully I'll be able to get several. I'm having a love affair with boots right now. I want almost every pair I see. And jeans! I can't wait for jean shopping. I really have to have two shopping sessions, one for work and one for play. I love being able to dress up like a professional for work but then be more laid back and trendy on the weekends. We'll see... it's still 90 degrees here so I won't need any fall clothes for a while.

Anyway... I guess that's it. Wish me luck that I'll survive week 4 and be able to move on to week 5. September 26th will be here before I know it!

Oh, I've posted a few more pictures in the family album of Becky's wedding. Enjoy!