I think I might be done with the blog. I mean, let's be honest, I don't really blog that much anymore anyway. But instead of trying to pretend I'll find time to write I may just have to let go and say goodbye.
I love my blog. I have loved it over the past 3 and a half years. Even though I honestly can't believe that it has even been in existence for that long. It has helped me get through some very tough times and has helped me express feelings that I couldn't say out loud. I've poured my heart and soul out over this web page. It started as a way to share my pregnancy... my first pregnancy. Little did I know what it would turn into over the years.
I've really used the blog as therapy. There were nights that I would just sob as I wrote, letting out all the emotions I was holding inside. Those moments feel so far away now. For so many years I had a hole in my heart that was just festering with anger and jealousy and resentment and sadness. I feel like Evan has filled that hole now. I still have scars but the wounds are healed. People tell me I'm a different person now, that I even look different, and I agree. I am different now. I'm happy. My heart is whole. I don't have that emptiness anymore. Evan has brought so much joy into my life. He was my missing piece. Don't get me wrong, I still have issues. Don't we all?! I'm tired and stressed and insecure but I have this amazing little boy that smiles at me and makes it all better.
I just don't feel like I have all that much to say anymore and that when I blog it isn't true feelings and emotions coming out, it's just words to get words on the page. Like an after-thought. I feel terrible letting it go but if I can't do it right, I don't want to do it at all. And it is so much easier to share via facebook!
So thank you for hanging in with me through three pregnancies, two miscarriages, lots of medications and shots and doctors and ultrasounds and tons and tons of tears. Thank you for always being supportive when I needed it the most.
Joe told me I have to sign off the blog with a random quote from The Chappelle Show. Dave Chappelle playing P. Diddy, "that's it, I'm closing down the studio". LOL
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hard work
Man, this mom thing is hard work! I've never had a job as tough as this. I've also never had one that I love so much.
Evan is amazing. I mean, I get that all moms gush over their children and think that their child is the cutest and the smartest and the most wonderful little person ever but, in my case, it's absolutely true. He just blows me away with all the things he is learning to do and his little smiles and giggles just melt my heart. I smile from the inside out when I think about him.
But even though he is perfect, he is also exhausting! Joe and I are very lucky that Evan is such a pleasant baby. He rarely fusses, usually only when he's tired or hungry, and the majority of the time he's smiling or talking to us. But being "on" all the time... man, that wears me out! I'm always trying to come up with different ways to amuse Evan or to make him laugh. And having one sided conversations about imagined people, places, and things is taxing my poor, overtired brain. Even the mundane descriptions of what I'm doing or what the dogs are doing or what the noises are that he's hearing or the colors that he's seeing are exhausting. I'm talking ALL.THE.TIME.
The "breaks" that I get when he goes down for naps or to bed at night are spent doing house work or prepping for the next day. Laundry and dishes and dinner and cleaning fill all the spaces in between. I know that housework is the least important thing I should worry about, and I do try to let go of some stuff, but I have to do laundry and we have to eat and we have to have clean dishes.
I feel like the only break my brain gets at home is when I'm pumping. And I seriously just zone out while I'm doing it. I can hardly carry on a conversation. My brain takes a quick vacation when the pump comes on. But pumping during work is different. I feel guilty for taking breaks to pump so I still answer the phone and emails and eat my lunch/snacks while I pump. It's very weird talking to my supervisor on the phone with no shirt on but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I don't mean to complain. I am so grateful for every second I have with Evan. He seriously makes my life. He is the best thing that I've ever done and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I was looking at him tonight when I was rocking him to sleep and can't believe that he's already doubled in size since he was born. It's gone by so fast and I feel like I've already forgotten how small he used to be. I try so hard to memorize all his features and all the sweet little things he does but there is just no way I'll remember it all. I'm so excited for him to grow up but I also wish he'd stay my little baby boy forever.
We've been getting ready for Christmas. Our house is decorated and we've got some presents under the tree. I know Evan won't remember this Christmas but I'm still excited to show him the tree and the lights and the ornaments. I hope to take a ton of pictures too. I've been SLOWLY working towards getting Christmas cards printed but at the rate I'm going I'll be sending out Valentine's Day cards instead. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your families!
Evan is amazing. I mean, I get that all moms gush over their children and think that their child is the cutest and the smartest and the most wonderful little person ever but, in my case, it's absolutely true. He just blows me away with all the things he is learning to do and his little smiles and giggles just melt my heart. I smile from the inside out when I think about him.
But even though he is perfect, he is also exhausting! Joe and I are very lucky that Evan is such a pleasant baby. He rarely fusses, usually only when he's tired or hungry, and the majority of the time he's smiling or talking to us. But being "on" all the time... man, that wears me out! I'm always trying to come up with different ways to amuse Evan or to make him laugh. And having one sided conversations about imagined people, places, and things is taxing my poor, overtired brain. Even the mundane descriptions of what I'm doing or what the dogs are doing or what the noises are that he's hearing or the colors that he's seeing are exhausting. I'm talking ALL.THE.TIME.
The "breaks" that I get when he goes down for naps or to bed at night are spent doing house work or prepping for the next day. Laundry and dishes and dinner and cleaning fill all the spaces in between. I know that housework is the least important thing I should worry about, and I do try to let go of some stuff, but I have to do laundry and we have to eat and we have to have clean dishes.
I feel like the only break my brain gets at home is when I'm pumping. And I seriously just zone out while I'm doing it. I can hardly carry on a conversation. My brain takes a quick vacation when the pump comes on. But pumping during work is different. I feel guilty for taking breaks to pump so I still answer the phone and emails and eat my lunch/snacks while I pump. It's very weird talking to my supervisor on the phone with no shirt on but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
I don't mean to complain. I am so grateful for every second I have with Evan. He seriously makes my life. He is the best thing that I've ever done and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. I was looking at him tonight when I was rocking him to sleep and can't believe that he's already doubled in size since he was born. It's gone by so fast and I feel like I've already forgotten how small he used to be. I try so hard to memorize all his features and all the sweet little things he does but there is just no way I'll remember it all. I'm so excited for him to grow up but I also wish he'd stay my little baby boy forever.
We've been getting ready for Christmas. Our house is decorated and we've got some presents under the tree. I know Evan won't remember this Christmas but I'm still excited to show him the tree and the lights and the ornaments. I hope to take a ton of pictures too. I've been SLOWLY working towards getting Christmas cards printed but at the rate I'm going I'll be sending out Valentine's Day cards instead. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas with your families!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
What a difference
It is incredible how much things can change in one year. But more than that, it is incredible how one event can change your life. One year ago today my life changed forever. One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
I try to remember that day and my life before that day. My life, or more accurately, my state of mind was not good then. I was six years into my quest to have a baby and had 2 miscarriages, 6 failed IUI’s, one failed IVF and tens of thousands of dollars in infertility debt under my belt. I was lost. I had no idea where I would go next. We were out of options when it came to paying for more treatments and pretty much out of hope that anything would ever work for us. I was wallowing in my own misery and overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I couldn’t even look at a pregnant person without getting upset.
I knew back then that there was something deeply, deeply wrong with me. But I think I was so used to feeling depressed that I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way I was. I withdrew from the world. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have a family yet that I would dread running into people out in public because I knew (I KNEW) the inevitable question would be coming up right after the “hellos”. “Do you have any kids”, terrified me more than any other question in the world. Well, actually, the follow up, “why not” was always worse. I will never, never, never ask someone why they don’t have children. Never! Even though I knew it was coming I could never stammer out a clever answer. In the beginning it was easy, we’d just say we had dogs and they were our kids for now. But as the years of pain and disappointment continued, it was harder and harder to blame our dogs for my flawed reproductive system. But I got pretty good at lying, changing the subject, fighting back the tears, and swallowing the gigantic lump in my throat.
I withdrew from my family too. I felt like a stranger around them. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to my family. I saw the way my parents loved on my nieces and nephews and the way my sisters bonded over motherhood. I had nothing that could compare to that. And it broke my heart that I couldn’t participate in all the love and bonding. So I pulled away. I guarded myself from them so that they couldn’t see my pain. I resented them for not being more supportive of what I was going through. I felt like I was being forced to “get over myself” and be normal but I couldn’t and that just seemed to make everything worse. I dreaded the phone ringing because I never had anything to say and the conversations were so awkward and edgy. I was broken and didn’t know how to fix myself.
I don’t know if it was a decision we made to distract ourselves from all the bad in our lives but Joe and I poured everything we had into getting healthy. Not because we thought it would help us conceive but because we wanted to be healthy. We were living our lives like we were waiting for something good to happen so we could start living our lives. Does that make any sense? Instead of going out and enjoying our lives and being happy with what we DID have, we kept waiting for this baby that just never came. But we were able to distract ourselves with diet and exercise and it really did help. We started to feel better about ourselves and were happy and energetic. The missing baby was never out of our minds and hearts completely but we were able to focus on other things at that point. We even started to make plans for fun things to do as a couple.
When I found out I was pregnant I was completely shocked. I hadn’t had a period in fifty-something days but, because of my crazy reproductive system, I wasn’t concerned. On Friday, November 20th I started spotting and thought I was starting my period. But then it stopped later that day, and the next day my boobs started getting sore. I thought it was very strange and started to wonder if there was any possibility that I might’ve been pregnant. But, keep in mind, over the previous six years I had been POSITIVE I must’ve been pregnant about a trillion times so I kind of blew it off. I also knew myself well enough to know if I didn’t take a pregnancy test and rule it out, I’d stress out about it and drive myself crazy. So that Monday, November 23rd, on the way to my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday dinner we stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test and a six pack of beer. I’m sure the clerk was thinking very highly of us in that moment. I was so positive that the test would be negative I even drank a beer at dinner. We got home and I took the test and it was positive immediately. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I told Joe it was positive and his first words were, “oh no”. Not because he wasn’t happy but because we’d been there twice before. Twice before we’d gotten our hopes up just to have them crushed a couple weeks later.
Even though we were very, very nervous we were still very excited. This may have been the third pregnancy but this was the first one that ever happened by ourselves, without trying. So we did what every person who has ever been through a miscarriage would advise against, we told everyone. And the next day I immediately called for a blood test. One good thing about infertility, you can get a blood draw and find out your hCG levels the same day. Even though I hadn’t seen my infertility doctor in months, I was still able to weasel my way in for a blood draw. My levels were huge, better than they’d ever been, but I could just not shake that nagging feeling that all good things always go away. That feeling actually stayed with me through the majority of my pregnancy. My entire first trimester I walked on eggshells analyzing every symptom, or lack of symptom, any little twinge or pain or bump. I was completely terrified. I was almost too afraid to talk about the future and to plan for an actual baby.
But this time it didn’t end badly. This time has turned into the most amazing time of my life. Having Evan in my life has completely changed me. And I think it has only changed me for the better. That black cloud that was permanently over my head and surrounding my heart is gone and it is just clear, bright, sunny skies now. Sure I’m tired and stressed out but all I have to do is look at Evan’s chubby little face or hear him coo or giggle and I forget all of that. It is hard to believe that from all that bad, came something so unbelievably perfect and wonderful. I always hoped that I would someday get to be a mommy but was really starting to lose hope that it would happen. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity now to give my love to such a sweet little boy.
I try to remember that day and my life before that day. My life, or more accurately, my state of mind was not good then. I was six years into my quest to have a baby and had 2 miscarriages, 6 failed IUI’s, one failed IVF and tens of thousands of dollars in infertility debt under my belt. I was lost. I had no idea where I would go next. We were out of options when it came to paying for more treatments and pretty much out of hope that anything would ever work for us. I was wallowing in my own misery and overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I couldn’t even look at a pregnant person without getting upset.
I knew back then that there was something deeply, deeply wrong with me. But I think I was so used to feeling depressed that I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way I was. I withdrew from the world. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have a family yet that I would dread running into people out in public because I knew (I KNEW) the inevitable question would be coming up right after the “hellos”. “Do you have any kids”, terrified me more than any other question in the world. Well, actually, the follow up, “why not” was always worse. I will never, never, never ask someone why they don’t have children. Never! Even though I knew it was coming I could never stammer out a clever answer. In the beginning it was easy, we’d just say we had dogs and they were our kids for now. But as the years of pain and disappointment continued, it was harder and harder to blame our dogs for my flawed reproductive system. But I got pretty good at lying, changing the subject, fighting back the tears, and swallowing the gigantic lump in my throat.
I withdrew from my family too. I felt like a stranger around them. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to my family. I saw the way my parents loved on my nieces and nephews and the way my sisters bonded over motherhood. I had nothing that could compare to that. And it broke my heart that I couldn’t participate in all the love and bonding. So I pulled away. I guarded myself from them so that they couldn’t see my pain. I resented them for not being more supportive of what I was going through. I felt like I was being forced to “get over myself” and be normal but I couldn’t and that just seemed to make everything worse. I dreaded the phone ringing because I never had anything to say and the conversations were so awkward and edgy. I was broken and didn’t know how to fix myself.
I don’t know if it was a decision we made to distract ourselves from all the bad in our lives but Joe and I poured everything we had into getting healthy. Not because we thought it would help us conceive but because we wanted to be healthy. We were living our lives like we were waiting for something good to happen so we could start living our lives. Does that make any sense? Instead of going out and enjoying our lives and being happy with what we DID have, we kept waiting for this baby that just never came. But we were able to distract ourselves with diet and exercise and it really did help. We started to feel better about ourselves and were happy and energetic. The missing baby was never out of our minds and hearts completely but we were able to focus on other things at that point. We even started to make plans for fun things to do as a couple.
When I found out I was pregnant I was completely shocked. I hadn’t had a period in fifty-something days but, because of my crazy reproductive system, I wasn’t concerned. On Friday, November 20th I started spotting and thought I was starting my period. But then it stopped later that day, and the next day my boobs started getting sore. I thought it was very strange and started to wonder if there was any possibility that I might’ve been pregnant. But, keep in mind, over the previous six years I had been POSITIVE I must’ve been pregnant about a trillion times so I kind of blew it off. I also knew myself well enough to know if I didn’t take a pregnancy test and rule it out, I’d stress out about it and drive myself crazy. So that Monday, November 23rd, on the way to my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday dinner we stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test and a six pack of beer. I’m sure the clerk was thinking very highly of us in that moment. I was so positive that the test would be negative I even drank a beer at dinner. We got home and I took the test and it was positive immediately. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I told Joe it was positive and his first words were, “oh no”. Not because he wasn’t happy but because we’d been there twice before. Twice before we’d gotten our hopes up just to have them crushed a couple weeks later.
Even though we were very, very nervous we were still very excited. This may have been the third pregnancy but this was the first one that ever happened by ourselves, without trying. So we did what every person who has ever been through a miscarriage would advise against, we told everyone. And the next day I immediately called for a blood test. One good thing about infertility, you can get a blood draw and find out your hCG levels the same day. Even though I hadn’t seen my infertility doctor in months, I was still able to weasel my way in for a blood draw. My levels were huge, better than they’d ever been, but I could just not shake that nagging feeling that all good things always go away. That feeling actually stayed with me through the majority of my pregnancy. My entire first trimester I walked on eggshells analyzing every symptom, or lack of symptom, any little twinge or pain or bump. I was completely terrified. I was almost too afraid to talk about the future and to plan for an actual baby.
But this time it didn’t end badly. This time has turned into the most amazing time of my life. Having Evan in my life has completely changed me. And I think it has only changed me for the better. That black cloud that was permanently over my head and surrounding my heart is gone and it is just clear, bright, sunny skies now. Sure I’m tired and stressed out but all I have to do is look at Evan’s chubby little face or hear him coo or giggle and I forget all of that. It is hard to believe that from all that bad, came something so unbelievably perfect and wonderful. I always hoped that I would someday get to be a mommy but was really starting to lose hope that it would happen. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity now to give my love to such a sweet little boy.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
42 Things That Change
I saw this article on babycenter.com this morning and almost cried reading it so I had to share. So many things have changed in my life since having Evan and this article does a great job of summarizing. Here is a copy and paste:
Forty Two Things that Change When you Have a Baby
by Rebecca Woolf
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
[Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008
Forty Two Things that Change When you Have a Baby
by Rebecca Woolf
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
[Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Guilt
What is it with the guilt? I always let it get the best of me. I feel guilty about 90% of the time and I cannot shake it. I thought it was “mom guilt” but, looking back I’ve always felt guilty about something.
When I couldn’t get pregnant I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband and my family the child that, as a woman, I should’ve been able to. I felt guilty in my deep depression that I couldn’t be happier for my friends and family when they got pregnant. I felt guilty for wanting to go back for treatments to try to get pregnant even though we were going deeper into debt with every attempt. I felt guilty for being jealous and being stubborn and self-centered.
Now that I have Evan who, by the way, is the most perfect child in the world (of course) the guilt is even bigger than it was back then. Now I have the guilt of sending him to daycare, the guilt when I want to go do something for myself instead of hanging out with him, the guilt when he’s crying and I can’t console him, the guilt for putting him in his bouncy seat for 15 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen instead of spending that time interacting with him. It’s just all guilt all the time.
And it doesn’t stop with Evan. I have guilt for not staying late at work or for taking three 15 minute breaks so I can pump. I have guilt for not paying more attention to my husband, for not exercising more often, for spending money on myself, for snapping at my dogs or not giving them more attention, for not being a good friend, for asking Joe to help me when I should be able to do it all.
I think that’s what it all boils down to. I have always wanted to be everything to everyone. A people pleaser, able to do whatever it takes to get the job done. It comes with the first child territory. But, you know, that is just completely impossible. It’s an unrealistic goal that no one is able to achieve. So putting myself down because I can’t make the impossible happen is ridiculous, I know that, but I can’t stop doing it. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much pride to ask for help.
I try to keep things in perspective and remind myself that at the end of the day I gave the most I could. Even if it means I ran out of work at exactly 4:00 or if I only emailed my friends instead of calling or if I let Evan play on his mat while I fixed myself some dinner. Life is busy and complicated and overwhelming sometimes but as long as me and Joe and Evan are happy and healthy, that’s really all that matters. I’m not saying I’ll easily kick the guilty feelings out of my life but I do need to try. I can’t continue to put myself down. I have to reward myself for the good things I am accomplishing.
When I couldn’t get pregnant I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband and my family the child that, as a woman, I should’ve been able to. I felt guilty in my deep depression that I couldn’t be happier for my friends and family when they got pregnant. I felt guilty for wanting to go back for treatments to try to get pregnant even though we were going deeper into debt with every attempt. I felt guilty for being jealous and being stubborn and self-centered.
Now that I have Evan who, by the way, is the most perfect child in the world (of course) the guilt is even bigger than it was back then. Now I have the guilt of sending him to daycare, the guilt when I want to go do something for myself instead of hanging out with him, the guilt when he’s crying and I can’t console him, the guilt for putting him in his bouncy seat for 15 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen instead of spending that time interacting with him. It’s just all guilt all the time.
And it doesn’t stop with Evan. I have guilt for not staying late at work or for taking three 15 minute breaks so I can pump. I have guilt for not paying more attention to my husband, for not exercising more often, for spending money on myself, for snapping at my dogs or not giving them more attention, for not being a good friend, for asking Joe to help me when I should be able to do it all.
I think that’s what it all boils down to. I have always wanted to be everything to everyone. A people pleaser, able to do whatever it takes to get the job done. It comes with the first child territory. But, you know, that is just completely impossible. It’s an unrealistic goal that no one is able to achieve. So putting myself down because I can’t make the impossible happen is ridiculous, I know that, but I can’t stop doing it. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much pride to ask for help.
I try to keep things in perspective and remind myself that at the end of the day I gave the most I could. Even if it means I ran out of work at exactly 4:00 or if I only emailed my friends instead of calling or if I let Evan play on his mat while I fixed myself some dinner. Life is busy and complicated and overwhelming sometimes but as long as me and Joe and Evan are happy and healthy, that’s really all that matters. I’m not saying I’ll easily kick the guilty feelings out of my life but I do need to try. I can’t continue to put myself down. I have to reward myself for the good things I am accomplishing.
Friday, October 22, 2010
This shiz is bananas
Okay, yeah, almost another month gone! I seriously cannot believe how quickly the days, weeks, and months pass now that I've got Evan in my life. He definitely keeps us busy but we're loving every minute.
Adjusting to my new life as a working mom has been exhausting. Evan is still getting up twice at night. He goes to bed around 7 and is up usually between 1-3am. He gets a diaper and a bottle and usually goes right back to sleep. Then I have to pump and wash up the pump parts, get a bottle set up for the 2nd wake-up of the night and then head back to bed. The whole routine usually takes about an hour. Then Evan gets up again sometime between 4-5am. That one is Joe's. My alarm goes off at 5am so I can feed the dogs, pump again, get in the shower and get ready for work. I leave the house by 6:45 to get to work so Joe is on his own getting Evan cleaned up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare. I work, pump, work, pump, work, pump all day then get to pick my sweet boy up from daycare. Seeing him at the end of the day is like Christmas morning. He is just the best.
When we get home it is a struggle to get in the door with the car seat, all my shit from work, all Evan's stuff from daycare... of course while in 4 inch heels. The dogs need to go out and get fed, Evan's ready to get out of his car seat, I'm ready to get out of my work clothes (and those heels), I'm hungry and thirsty and have to pee but all that has to wait. I usually get the dogs out and fed and then get Evan changed and get him a bottle. After that he'll usually hang out on our bed while I go to the bathroom and get changed. He also loves playing on his activity mat so he'll hang on that while I get a drink and get some dinner together. Around 6:30 he starts to fuss so it's bath, pj's, bottle, and off to bed. Joe and I have the routine down and I think Evan is really getting used to it. We do the bath together, I dry him off and lotion him up and get him in his pj's, Joe gives him his bottle and puts him in bed.
By that point we're both exhausted but the work is far from done. I pump, wash bottles, get the bottles ready for the next day, make my lunch for the next day, get my coffee pot set up, and pick out my work clothes. Depending on how tired I am I'll either check my email and facebook, watch a DVR show or just head straight to bed. I honestly don't know what I did with all my free time before Evan. I must've been really lazy and bored.
I know most of you who read this are moms so I'm sure none of this is news to you. You're probably all, been there done that. But, it's all new to us and we're getting adjusted to it. Evan really is a great baby though. As much as I want him to grow, I sometimes want to keep him this age forever. He's just so sweet right now. He's smiley and happy and interacting with us. His chubby little cheeks and legs are just so kissable. He is just so sweet and I love him so, so much.
Adjusting to my new life as a working mom has been exhausting. Evan is still getting up twice at night. He goes to bed around 7 and is up usually between 1-3am. He gets a diaper and a bottle and usually goes right back to sleep. Then I have to pump and wash up the pump parts, get a bottle set up for the 2nd wake-up of the night and then head back to bed. The whole routine usually takes about an hour. Then Evan gets up again sometime between 4-5am. That one is Joe's. My alarm goes off at 5am so I can feed the dogs, pump again, get in the shower and get ready for work. I leave the house by 6:45 to get to work so Joe is on his own getting Evan cleaned up, dressed, and dropped off at daycare. I work, pump, work, pump, work, pump all day then get to pick my sweet boy up from daycare. Seeing him at the end of the day is like Christmas morning. He is just the best.
When we get home it is a struggle to get in the door with the car seat, all my shit from work, all Evan's stuff from daycare... of course while in 4 inch heels. The dogs need to go out and get fed, Evan's ready to get out of his car seat, I'm ready to get out of my work clothes (and those heels), I'm hungry and thirsty and have to pee but all that has to wait. I usually get the dogs out and fed and then get Evan changed and get him a bottle. After that he'll usually hang out on our bed while I go to the bathroom and get changed. He also loves playing on his activity mat so he'll hang on that while I get a drink and get some dinner together. Around 6:30 he starts to fuss so it's bath, pj's, bottle, and off to bed. Joe and I have the routine down and I think Evan is really getting used to it. We do the bath together, I dry him off and lotion him up and get him in his pj's, Joe gives him his bottle and puts him in bed.
By that point we're both exhausted but the work is far from done. I pump, wash bottles, get the bottles ready for the next day, make my lunch for the next day, get my coffee pot set up, and pick out my work clothes. Depending on how tired I am I'll either check my email and facebook, watch a DVR show or just head straight to bed. I honestly don't know what I did with all my free time before Evan. I must've been really lazy and bored.
I know most of you who read this are moms so I'm sure none of this is news to you. You're probably all, been there done that. But, it's all new to us and we're getting adjusted to it. Evan really is a great baby though. As much as I want him to grow, I sometimes want to keep him this age forever. He's just so sweet right now. He's smiley and happy and interacting with us. His chubby little cheeks and legs are just so kissable. He is just so sweet and I love him so, so much.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Dear Evan,
I love rocking you to sleep. My arms wrapped snugly around you, your head in the crook of my elbow, your chubby cheek rested on my upper arm. Our faces are so close. I just stare at you, memorizing every feature of your face. Your round little nose, pink pouty lips, the upside down crescent between your bottom lip and chin, your barely there eyebrows and eyelashes, your fuzzy hair and your perfect smooth skin. When we're rocking the whole world fades away. Its just you and me. You are the light of my life. I love you so much and I want to remember these moments forever.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
