It is incredible how much things can change in one year. But more than that, it is incredible how one event can change your life. One year ago today my life changed forever. One year ago today I found out I was pregnant.
I try to remember that day and my life before that day. My life, or more accurately, my state of mind was not good then. I was six years into my quest to have a baby and had 2 miscarriages, 6 failed IUI’s, one failed IVF and tens of thousands of dollars in infertility debt under my belt. I was lost. I had no idea where I would go next. We were out of options when it came to paying for more treatments and pretty much out of hope that anything would ever work for us. I was wallowing in my own misery and overwhelmed with jealousy and anger. I couldn’t even look at a pregnant person without getting upset.
I knew back then that there was something deeply, deeply wrong with me. But I think I was so used to feeling depressed that I thought it was normal. I thought that was just the way I was. I withdrew from the world. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have a family yet that I would dread running into people out in public because I knew (I KNEW) the inevitable question would be coming up right after the “hellos”. “Do you have any kids”, terrified me more than any other question in the world. Well, actually, the follow up, “why not” was always worse. I will never, never, never ask someone why they don’t have children. Never! Even though I knew it was coming I could never stammer out a clever answer. In the beginning it was easy, we’d just say we had dogs and they were our kids for now. But as the years of pain and disappointment continued, it was harder and harder to blame our dogs for my flawed reproductive system. But I got pretty good at lying, changing the subject, fighting back the tears, and swallowing the gigantic lump in my throat.
I withdrew from my family too. I felt like a stranger around them. I felt like I had nothing to contribute to my family. I saw the way my parents loved on my nieces and nephews and the way my sisters bonded over motherhood. I had nothing that could compare to that. And it broke my heart that I couldn’t participate in all the love and bonding. So I pulled away. I guarded myself from them so that they couldn’t see my pain. I resented them for not being more supportive of what I was going through. I felt like I was being forced to “get over myself” and be normal but I couldn’t and that just seemed to make everything worse. I dreaded the phone ringing because I never had anything to say and the conversations were so awkward and edgy. I was broken and didn’t know how to fix myself.
I don’t know if it was a decision we made to distract ourselves from all the bad in our lives but Joe and I poured everything we had into getting healthy. Not because we thought it would help us conceive but because we wanted to be healthy. We were living our lives like we were waiting for something good to happen so we could start living our lives. Does that make any sense? Instead of going out and enjoying our lives and being happy with what we DID have, we kept waiting for this baby that just never came. But we were able to distract ourselves with diet and exercise and it really did help. We started to feel better about ourselves and were happy and energetic. The missing baby was never out of our minds and hearts completely but we were able to focus on other things at that point. We even started to make plans for fun things to do as a couple.
When I found out I was pregnant I was completely shocked. I hadn’t had a period in fifty-something days but, because of my crazy reproductive system, I wasn’t concerned. On Friday, November 20th I started spotting and thought I was starting my period. But then it stopped later that day, and the next day my boobs started getting sore. I thought it was very strange and started to wonder if there was any possibility that I might’ve been pregnant. But, keep in mind, over the previous six years I had been POSITIVE I must’ve been pregnant about a trillion times so I kind of blew it off. I also knew myself well enough to know if I didn’t take a pregnancy test and rule it out, I’d stress out about it and drive myself crazy. So that Monday, November 23rd, on the way to my parents’ house for my dad’s birthday dinner we stopped at the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test and a six pack of beer. I’m sure the clerk was thinking very highly of us in that moment. I was so positive that the test would be negative I even drank a beer at dinner. We got home and I took the test and it was positive immediately. I honestly thought I was seeing things. I told Joe it was positive and his first words were, “oh no”. Not because he wasn’t happy but because we’d been there twice before. Twice before we’d gotten our hopes up just to have them crushed a couple weeks later.
Even though we were very, very nervous we were still very excited. This may have been the third pregnancy but this was the first one that ever happened by ourselves, without trying. So we did what every person who has ever been through a miscarriage would advise against, we told everyone. And the next day I immediately called for a blood test. One good thing about infertility, you can get a blood draw and find out your hCG levels the same day. Even though I hadn’t seen my infertility doctor in months, I was still able to weasel my way in for a blood draw. My levels were huge, better than they’d ever been, but I could just not shake that nagging feeling that all good things always go away. That feeling actually stayed with me through the majority of my pregnancy. My entire first trimester I walked on eggshells analyzing every symptom, or lack of symptom, any little twinge or pain or bump. I was completely terrified. I was almost too afraid to talk about the future and to plan for an actual baby.
But this time it didn’t end badly. This time has turned into the most amazing time of my life. Having Evan in my life has completely changed me. And I think it has only changed me for the better. That black cloud that was permanently over my head and surrounding my heart is gone and it is just clear, bright, sunny skies now. Sure I’m tired and stressed out but all I have to do is look at Evan’s chubby little face or hear him coo or giggle and I forget all of that. It is hard to believe that from all that bad, came something so unbelievably perfect and wonderful. I always hoped that I would someday get to be a mommy but was really starting to lose hope that it would happen. I feel so grateful that I have the opportunity now to give my love to such a sweet little boy.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
42 Things That Change
I saw this article on babycenter.com this morning and almost cried reading it so I had to share. So many things have changed in my life since having Evan and this article does a great job of summarizing. Here is a copy and paste:
Forty Two Things that Change When you Have a Baby
by Rebecca Woolf
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
[Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008
Forty Two Things that Change When you Have a Baby
by Rebecca Woolf
What changes when you have a baby? A better question may be: What doesn't change? Here, writer and mom Rebecca Woolf lists her most notable post-baby observations. Then scroll down to read our favorite comments from readers about how their babies changed their lives.
1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. [See a reader's perspective in #22, below.]
3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.
4. You respect your body ... finally.
5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.
6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.
7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.
8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.
9. Your heart breaks much more easily.
10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.
11. Every day is a surprise.
12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)
13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
14. You become a morning person.
15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.
And from our readers...
1. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth." — Ashley's mom
2. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth." — Anonymous
3. "You now know where the sun comes from." — Charlotte
4. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have." — Sophie's mom
5. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers." — Roxanne
6. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night." — Kellye
7. "Silence? What's that?" — Anonymous
8. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having." — Brenda
9. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had." — Ronin and Brookie's mom
10. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule." — Thomas' mom
11. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one." — Jaidyn's mom
12. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog." — Kara
[Many readers begged to differ, saying things like, " I disagree with number 12. My dogs are my additional children," "Nothing about previous babies, whether two- or four-legged, changes when a new miracle comes along," "My dog will never be 'just a dog," and "This is sad to me. My dog is still my baby too."]
13. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late." — Tracey
14. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury." — Jayden's mom
15. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger." — Dezarae's mom
16. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place. — Arizona
17. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do! — Ciara
18. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution. — Anon.
19. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart. — Brooke&Boys
20. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them. — Anon.
21. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts. — Anon.
22. In response to #2 [above], I'd say that where you were once afraid, you're now fearless. I was always very timid and shy and let myself get walked all over … but now where my kid's concerned, I'll speak my mind and really connect with my inner "b"! — gummismom
23. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect. — japanese_macaque
24. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING! — DylanLsMom
25. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!" — Anon.
26. You want to take better care of yourself for your child. — Treasor
27. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo." — littlehulk2008
Thursday, November 11, 2010
The Guilt
What is it with the guilt? I always let it get the best of me. I feel guilty about 90% of the time and I cannot shake it. I thought it was “mom guilt” but, looking back I’ve always felt guilty about something.
When I couldn’t get pregnant I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband and my family the child that, as a woman, I should’ve been able to. I felt guilty in my deep depression that I couldn’t be happier for my friends and family when they got pregnant. I felt guilty for wanting to go back for treatments to try to get pregnant even though we were going deeper into debt with every attempt. I felt guilty for being jealous and being stubborn and self-centered.
Now that I have Evan who, by the way, is the most perfect child in the world (of course) the guilt is even bigger than it was back then. Now I have the guilt of sending him to daycare, the guilt when I want to go do something for myself instead of hanging out with him, the guilt when he’s crying and I can’t console him, the guilt for putting him in his bouncy seat for 15 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen instead of spending that time interacting with him. It’s just all guilt all the time.
And it doesn’t stop with Evan. I have guilt for not staying late at work or for taking three 15 minute breaks so I can pump. I have guilt for not paying more attention to my husband, for not exercising more often, for spending money on myself, for snapping at my dogs or not giving them more attention, for not being a good friend, for asking Joe to help me when I should be able to do it all.
I think that’s what it all boils down to. I have always wanted to be everything to everyone. A people pleaser, able to do whatever it takes to get the job done. It comes with the first child territory. But, you know, that is just completely impossible. It’s an unrealistic goal that no one is able to achieve. So putting myself down because I can’t make the impossible happen is ridiculous, I know that, but I can’t stop doing it. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much pride to ask for help.
I try to keep things in perspective and remind myself that at the end of the day I gave the most I could. Even if it means I ran out of work at exactly 4:00 or if I only emailed my friends instead of calling or if I let Evan play on his mat while I fixed myself some dinner. Life is busy and complicated and overwhelming sometimes but as long as me and Joe and Evan are happy and healthy, that’s really all that matters. I’m not saying I’ll easily kick the guilty feelings out of my life but I do need to try. I can’t continue to put myself down. I have to reward myself for the good things I am accomplishing.
When I couldn’t get pregnant I felt guilty that I couldn’t give my husband and my family the child that, as a woman, I should’ve been able to. I felt guilty in my deep depression that I couldn’t be happier for my friends and family when they got pregnant. I felt guilty for wanting to go back for treatments to try to get pregnant even though we were going deeper into debt with every attempt. I felt guilty for being jealous and being stubborn and self-centered.
Now that I have Evan who, by the way, is the most perfect child in the world (of course) the guilt is even bigger than it was back then. Now I have the guilt of sending him to daycare, the guilt when I want to go do something for myself instead of hanging out with him, the guilt when he’s crying and I can’t console him, the guilt for putting him in his bouncy seat for 15 minutes so I can clean up the kitchen instead of spending that time interacting with him. It’s just all guilt all the time.
And it doesn’t stop with Evan. I have guilt for not staying late at work or for taking three 15 minute breaks so I can pump. I have guilt for not paying more attention to my husband, for not exercising more often, for spending money on myself, for snapping at my dogs or not giving them more attention, for not being a good friend, for asking Joe to help me when I should be able to do it all.
I think that’s what it all boils down to. I have always wanted to be everything to everyone. A people pleaser, able to do whatever it takes to get the job done. It comes with the first child territory. But, you know, that is just completely impossible. It’s an unrealistic goal that no one is able to achieve. So putting myself down because I can’t make the impossible happen is ridiculous, I know that, but I can’t stop doing it. I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, too much pride to ask for help.
I try to keep things in perspective and remind myself that at the end of the day I gave the most I could. Even if it means I ran out of work at exactly 4:00 or if I only emailed my friends instead of calling or if I let Evan play on his mat while I fixed myself some dinner. Life is busy and complicated and overwhelming sometimes but as long as me and Joe and Evan are happy and healthy, that’s really all that matters. I’m not saying I’ll easily kick the guilty feelings out of my life but I do need to try. I can’t continue to put myself down. I have to reward myself for the good things I am accomplishing.
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