Past and Future

I had a good laugh this weekend when I noticed this scene on my coffee table:
My past/present and my future sitting side by side each just begging to be read first. What's really interesting about the pairing is that the In Style came with a wrapper that read, "This is your last issue" and the Parents magazine was the first issue of a new subscription. Coincidence?

I decided a couple months ago not to renew my In Style subscription. Not renewing was a huge step for me. I've been a subscriber to In Style for almost nine years! For so long it was my bible. I'd devour every issue the day it came in and save the issues for future reference. But lately I found that I couldn't really relate to the things the magazine was selling anymore. The prices of the items suggested just became a little ridiculous. I found myself reading the magazine and doing the SNL "Really" bit. "$700 for a pair of shoes, REALLY"? I was rolling my eyes instead of day dreaming about myself in the shoes. And if you can't enjoy a good day dream, what's the point? I even gave up on trying to replicate the suggested looks for cheaper. It just wasn't fun anymore.

But then the current issue came with the "last issue" wrapper and, of course, its the best issue I've received in a LONG time. This issue is like that boyfriend you broke up with because it just wasn't working for you but then you see at a party looking better than he's ever looked and being the life of the party. You start to forget why you broke up and start thinking of ways to get him back. All those months ago that I had no regrets about not renewing and now I'm antsy thinking about not receiving a new In Style next month. I honestly had a "what have I done" moment.

Then I see the Parents magazine sitting there. My niece had a fund raiser at her school a couple months ago and one of the magazines offered was Parents. I thought, hey, we're going to be parents, it might be good to read up on how to do that so I ordered it. And I'm excited to learn all the tips and inside secrets that Parents has to offer but am just a little unsure that I'm ready to jump head first into that while turning my back on the magazine I've loved for years. The magazine that helped mold me into who I am today. Then I think I'm kidding myself that I'm going to have time to read ANY magazines after Evan arrives.

Ah well... It was a good laugh anyway. I'm sure what will happen is that for the first couple of months I don't get an In Style in the mail I'll end up buying it at the store until I remember why we broke up in the first place. Its happened with other magazines before. Or, who knows, maybe I'll fall in love all over again and renew my subscription. Love is funny that way.

We've had some excitement around here over the last week. We got new carpet installed in the house on Wednesday! It is so nice! It makes my house feel brand new. We're also STILL working on the mural. I posted pictures of the mural progress and the new carpet in the renovation album. I know the mural doesn't look much more done than it did before but that is six hours of painting work yesterday!! My new goal is to have the mural done by the time Evan goes to college.

Time flies

I just looked at my blog register for the month of April and realized I've only posted twice this month and the month is almost over! Where does the time go? Actually, I can answer that one this time. Our time this month has gone directly into little Evan's mural. It has been quite a project! One that is still on going.

Joe and I had a very ambitious goal to get the mural painted before the new carpet gets installed in the house but the carpet is coming on Wednesday and the mural is far from done. We've been making progress, it is just very slow going. I will take and post more pictures when I get home. It is looking really cute. Every time we finish a new piece, the whole mural takes on a whole new life. It is really exciting.

On top of the mural painting and the new carpet coming in, we've been super busy with other stuff too. I'm actually blogging from Maryland tonight. I got here last night for a week long work conference. Its funny that it took flying to a different state to get enough quiet time to sit down and write a blog. But, there is no mural or other projects here to keep me busy. Just a bunch of wild and crazy librarians. A bunch of them were heading out to dinner tonight but I just couldn't wait to get back to my room and put my pajamas on and let my brain have a break. I didn't sleep well last night either. You'd think that being in a huge, king size bed with fluffy pillows and a cozy down comforter would be a welcome change from a snoring husband, a dog who insists on being spooned and another dog who likes to sleep underneath the covers but I kind of miss all of that.

Traveling alone stinks. I'm used to having someone help me navigate and share the bag carrying duties and someone I can give "the look" to when I'm getting annoyed by people on the plane. But not this time. It was a lonely trip this time. And other people's kids are super annoying. But, I guess when parents bring three young children on a plane with NO activities to keep them busy that has the tendency to happen. Seriously, it was like the parents hadn't even thought that they're children might need something to do while confined to a seat for two hours. So they just decided to scream and wine and slither underneath the seats the whole time. It was awesome. Oh well. I guess I'll store that lesson in the vault for future traveling-with-child experiences.

Other than that, things are good. I'm feeling pretty good. My belly is getting bigger and I'm getting a little more winded from things. I was bending over plugging in my lap top today and felt like I needed to rest afterward. That cracked me up a little. Baby has been kicking more which makes me laugh too. He's still a little kick-tease though. He'll kick and kick and kick but when I (or Joe) put my hand on my belly to feel it, he'll stop. And he has become very fond of River Dancing on my cervix. That shit is not comfortable. Neither is the bladder pressure but I've gotten pretty good a scoping out the nearest bathroom wherever I go.

Anyway, I'm off to browse the room service menu. I think I'll have a little solo pajama party tonight. Although, for some reason I have 45 channels of ESPN on the hotel TV but no Food Network!! What the hell?! I can watch ESPN 8 The Ocho but no Barefoot Contessa! I don't know how I'll make it through the week!

Getting there

We finally started painting the mural yesterday. And the painting part hasn't been so bad. It was hanging the pattern up on the wall and making sure that it was lined up properly and tracing all the lines that sucked major ass. But, so far, the painting has been pretty fun. Super-duper slow, but fun.

My friend Rachael came over yesterday to help me paint and after Joe got done mowing the lawn he picked up a paint brush as well. We quickly discovered our goal of having the mural finished by the end of this weekend was a little too ambitious. The painting is very, very slow going. There is so much detail and so much cutting in. We're essentially painting a 6'x8' mural with 1/4"-1" brushes and having to go over the areas at least a couple of times to make sure the coverage is right. This is going to be a couple of weeks long project at least. It looks pretty cool so far though! I posted a picture in the renovation album of our progress so far. And actually after I took that picture Joe and I worked on it a little more. I'll keep posting pictures as we go along.

Now it is Sunday morning and all we've really accomplished all weekend is painting that mural. I want to get in there to start up again but have got to get some other chores accomplished around here. These next couple of weeks are going to be so busy so I know that means they will fly by. Next weekend Lindsey is moving back to town from Jacksonville so we're all caravanning up to help her out. Then Sunday afternoon I leave for a work trip to Washington DC for a week. The trip really couldn't come at a worse time but I'm already booked so there is no backing out now. Once I'm back from that I've got my birthday the following week then my niece's first birthday party and my shower the weekend after that. Not to mention we're getting new carpet and baseboards installed in our house somewhere in that time schedule. Busy, busy! But, busy for good reasons.

There really isn't too much more to report around here, I just wanted to give you a quick update on how things were coming. Keep checking the renovation album for updated pictures. And I've posted my 24 week picture below. It's hard to believe I'm really six months pregnant! It just doesn't seem possible! I hope you all have a nice week!

Lazy Sunday

It is such a beautiful day here today. Sunny, high in the high 70's, a light cool breeze wafting the scent of orange blossoms into the house, birds chirping and the sound of a table saw in the background. Yes, while it is a glorious lazy Sunday for me, my dad and Joe are hard at work on baby Evan's room. So far this weekend we've managed to paint the room, install the new fan, rip up the carpet and baseboards and install new baseboards. They are still working on new outlets and a new light switch and installing the new marble window sill. They had to make some patches in the closet and we have to go back to Lowe's for more paint before Joe can install the closet system but things are moving right along.

I've been trying really hard to take all the stuff we have to do in stride but I will admit to a major breakdown in the closet system aisle at Lowe's yesterday, tears included. I don't know why this closet is stressing me out so much. Lord knows the baby won't care what his closet looks like and that if we had left the closet exactly the way it was it would've been fine. But, in my never ending quest for organization I can not let go of the perfectly organized closet I have in my head. I'll wait for the laughter to stop. I envisioned drawers for little socks and onesies and bibs, two rows of shelves for hanging little baby outfits and ample space on the floor for storing toys. I've had to re-imagine my dream closet several times now and finally in Lowe's yesterday gave up and said, "I don't care". I will still get my two rows of shelves for hanging clothes and the floor space but instead of drawers I am getting wire shelves where I can put baskets to hold the socks and onesies. I'm unsure, organization wise, that this is the best solution but I seriously can not handle having to think about it anymore. I am over it.

I am very much looking forward to the mural arriving tomorrow. It is huge and will take up one whole wall so I really hope it turns out nice. It is paint by number so hopefully we won't screw it up too much. I'm having a crafty friend come help us with the painting. I'm really excited to see how it turns out and think it will be the first real step in making the old guest room look like a room fit for a baby. It'll at least make it look pirate-y.

Speaking of pirates, we have decided to wait it out on our first choice baby bedding. Even if we can't get it until June, that's okay. I might go ahead and get a couple extra sheets just in case it doesn't come before baby but I'm not really that worried about it. We just like this set so much more than the other set and feel like it is worth it to wait.

Coming up this week we'll be working on the closet and mural and, hopefully, the new carpet will arrive next week. Once that goes in we'll get the crib and dresser set up and the nursery will be well on it's way to being completed. The week after that I'm off to Maryland for a week for a work conference. Time really is flying. Joe and I realized yesterday that next Saturday I'll be SIX MONTHS pregnant. Crazy. While it seems like Thanksgiving was a really long time ago, it just doesn't seem like I've been pregnant since then. It just reminds me how fast these next three months will go. I am going to try to enjoy them as much as possible.

After I posted last week about the hard time I've been having, I turned to a chat board that I used to frequent often while going through our infertility treatments. I actually got onto the board for women who have successfully become mothers after facing infertility. It is nice to hear from other people who have had similar experiences so I can be reminded that I'm not alone in my fears and anxiety and feelings. Just by chance one of the women posted something that was really timely for me. It has helped me feel better about the feelings I've been having and I wanted to share it. (IF stands for infertility) She wrote:

I'm the worst about this but I can't help but cringe when I read about others feeling guilty over natural emotions because others are still struggling with IF.

It's OK to be frustrated at being miserable, uncomfortable, and sick as a dog when you're pregnant.

It's OK to feel sad about losing a multiple even though others are still in the trenches and not pregnant with even one yet.

It's OK to have a bad day with your kid(s) and wonder "What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

It's OK to have a day where you want some time off from your kid(s).

It doesn't make you ungrateful, it makes you a MOM.

It sucks that we have to go thru IF but we have every right to embrace being "normal" Mom's when the opportunity presents itself.

It doesn't mean that you care for or respect the ladies still in the trenches any less.

Of course you wouldn't complain about these things to someone still struggling but one of the points of this board is that it's a place where we can speak freely without risking hurting those still struggling.

So..... stop with the guilt ladies!

The fact that others struggle with IF doesn't mean that you're not entitled to feel normal motherhood feelings.

Now... if I can only learn to embrace my own advice I'll be golden.

Anyway, I thought it was a nice thing to hear and I wanted you all to hear it too. Maybe so you'll know that I'm not crazy and that my feelings are normal. I think my experience with infertility is something that I will always carry with me. It shaped who I am and I will never be the same after going through what I've been through. Even though it seems I've been lucky enough to make it through to the other side, I still carry with me the fear of loss and the desire to be the best mom I can be. I think that a lot of my anxiety and fears are driven by that. But I hope that by being aware of the feelings I will be able to better work through them.

Until next time, check out our progress pictures in the family album.