Fighting the good fight

I've been having cravings like CRAZY today. All day I've been having "mmmmm" moments where I'll think of something delicious and say "mmmmm" to myself. I usually don't have so many cravings in one day (and its only 11am!) so today has been extra interesting.

Just to give you an idea, here are the things I've craved so far today:
Lucky Charms
Mexican food, especially melted cheese (first time in a LONG time)
A toasted everything bagel with cream cheese
Chocolate chip cookies
Bagel bites
Waffles with butter and syrup
Chinese food
Peanut butter m&m's
Those cheesy ranch, twisty, chip things you get at the gas station when you're on a road trip- I have no idea what they're called but they're the bomb.

And what I've actually eaten today:
Honeynut Cheerios
Triscuits with cheddar cheese
Cucumbers and carrots dipped in spinach dip

So, yes, I'm fighting the good fight today. Its a good thing I work in a confined location where I technically can't leave and that the nearest grocery store is at least a half hour away anyway or I'm sure I'd be in trouble. But, I've got a hot dog, tater tots and two baby kosher dills for lunch that I'm very much looking forward to!

Your mission, if you choose to accept it

I really, really hate to admit this. I've actually been struggling with this for a couple of weeks now. Struggling with the guilt I have for feeling this way. Struggling with why. But, I have to admit that, so far, I'm not really loving pregnancy. I hate even typing it. I hate that I feel this way. It makes me angry and sad and scared and overwhelmed with guilt. For so many years this was all I dreamed about, the only thing I wished for. I would look at other women who were pregnant and be jealous of them because they got to experience the most wonderful thing in the world. All I wanted was to be where they were. But now that I'm here, I have mixed emotions.

Please don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed that I am expecting a baby boy. I can not wait to meet him and am so happy that I will finally get my chance to be a mom. But right now I feel fat and ugly and stressed out and not at all "glowing". It makes me sad that I don't have a predominant bump yet and that people who see me in public would still guess fat over pregnant. Clothes look really bad on me right now. My belly isn't rounded and cute yet, it still looks like two fat rolls. I can't wear something clingy because of the fat roll problem but when I wear something loose I just look like I'm trying to cover up the results of too many cheeseburgers. My boobs are gargantuan. Since last June when I started losing weight I've gone from a 36C to a 34B to now a 34DD and I'm starting to feel like I'm growing out of the new bras. They feel huge and jiggly and floppy and gross. I hate them. And I know its only going to get worse before it gets better.

And as much as I love feeling the baby kick, sometimes its uncomfortable. I know as he grows the kicks are only going to get stronger and more frequent. It makes me so upset to feel uncomfortable by him kicking me. Its the greatest feeling in the world, something I've longed to feel my whole life, how dare I feel inconvenienced by it. I feel like such a bad person, a bad mom, for feeling this way. I'm pretty much an emotional mess.

I think that I have a problem with expectations. I think too much about how "things will be" and they are NEVER how I imagine them in my head. This is true of everything in life. Its like reading a book and loving it but being disappointed when you see the movie. Because nothing is ever as good as you make it in your mind. I never imagined when looking at a pregnant woman that she could be anything but overjoyed with what she was experiencing. I never thought that she could be uncomfortable or stressed out about anything because she was lucky enough to be pregnant. That was the best thing in life, every moment was made of sunshine and rainbows. I guess I learned that lesson the hard way.

The fact that I'm a planner is really hard right now too. Sure, I can plan but am having a hard time dealing with stuff when it doesn't go my way. The baby bedding, for instance. The nursery I planned around the cutest baby bedding ever may not happen. The pirate bedding is quickly becoming an Internet myth. Originally I saw that it would be coming back in April, now some sites are saying June 1 and some are even saying that it will be late June before its available. That shit stresses me out. I know its ONLY baby bedding. I get it. I get that the baby isn't going to give a crap that he is sleeping on the cutest little pirate bedding in the world. I know that the nursery is only for my and Joe's enjoyment. But the nursery that I planned in my head was so cute. It made me smile just thinking of it and happy that THAT would be the room our baby would grow up in. Now I don't know what its going to look like. We are still planning a pirate theme no matter what and have picked out "back up" bedding that is very cute. We ordered the treasure map mural and are still planning on painting that but the bedding isn't THE bedding. Its super cute but it will never be my first choice and a lot of the accents I had planned to go with the first bedding won't go with the second bedding. I know you're thinking these are frivolous details but they're important to me.

The second major drama in my life right now is the baby's closet. Again, I know, mountain out of molehill but my expectations are screwing with me again. I gave a lot of thought to the best way to maximize the space I have in the baby's closet. It is a good size closet, deep and tall, but since baby clothes are only 12" or so long, I knew I had to get rid of the one shelf and bar and add at least two rows of racks to hang clothes on. I also wanted to install drawers in the closet for socks and onesies and bibs, etc. Sounds easy, right? Ha! You know, it actually might be easy if I were willing to pay $1000 for it. The ability to get what I want does exist but I am not willing to pay that much for it. So I've been trying to find another solution with not much luck. Why don't I just put a dresser in the closet? One, dressers are too wide, I wouldn't have enough room to hang clothes on either side. Two, I don't want anything taking up the floor space of the closet. I would love to have the floor space available to store big bulky toys. Three, dressers aren't cheap either. I think Joe, in an effort to make me relax, is going to build me something that will fit the bill. I have to give up the drawers and concede to using baskets but feel like it will still be okay.

I realize I have to stop this nonsense. I have to stop letting my expectations get the best of me. And I have to stop getting stressed out to the point of a meltdown when things don't go according to plan. I have come up with a list of things I am going to TRY to do help myself relax and "go with the flow".

1. Let it go. If something isn't going exactly the way I planned, its okay, it will still happen and will be fine. You'd think I'd have learned this lesson from throwing parties. Just because things don't go exactly as planned, people will still have fun and the party will still go on. Just accept it for what it is, smile and move on.

2. Stop with the guilt. I can not keep piling guilt on myself for everything thing I eat, everything I feel, every walk I don't take, every slack off moment in my life. I am human and will eat and feel and be lazy, just like the rest of the world. It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me normal.

3. Stop assuming people are out to get me. There are some people in my life who I feel like are just waiting for my first screw up or first moment of weakness so that they can point and laugh and say, "I told you so". I have to stop assuming that people are that malicious. I have to try to believe that when they give advice that they are doing it because they care and want me to be prepared. I will try not to take offense to the things they are saying and stop assuming they're calling me a bad mom.

4. Try to remember everything I have to look forward to. I'm having a baby and that is amazing! I've waited so long to get here and I'm letting my pregnancy be overrun by stress and hurt and guilt. Instead of thinking about all the things that need to get done and how much they're going to cost, I need to think about the little man I'm bringing into this world and how amazing and wonderful he is going to be. I need to think about the moment I meet him for the first time and the first time he smiles at me or calls me mommy. I need to think about his first steps, his first days in kindergarten, teaching him to ride a bike and to read and how to be a gentleman. Because those are the things that matter. Those are the important things in life. Not baby bedding or closets or stupid people with too many opinions. My little boy and my family are the most important thing I'll ever have in my life. Everything else is just details.

We did get some great things accomplished this week. I registered! You all have no idea what an accomplishment that was for me. The registry was yet another thing that was stressing me out. I researched almost every item to death but feel very happy with the picks I've made. And its done now so I can stop thinking about it! We also got new blinds installed in the baby's room. I don't know if I mentioned it but we got them on clearance from a special order that someone returned. They fit perfectly and look great. My dad and Joe also got the drywall patched in the baby's room. We also purchased a new fan for little man's room and purchased new carpet for the whole house!! I'm so excited to be getting rid of this heinous carpet! And, like I said earlier, we've ordered the mural for the baby's wall as well. We are planning to get the painting started in Evan's room this week so it'll be done before the new carpet gets installed. Definite progress! Even though there isn't a ton to see at this point, I've posted some pictures in the renovation album. Oh, and here is my 22 week belly shot. I don't think I've grown much since the last one at 20 weeks but its definitely there.

A Happy Medium

I know I've been talking about this topic endlessly and you all have been very supportive on Facebook and here but the topic of weight gain is pretty much always at the front of my thoughts lately. People keep telling me to "relax and enjoy it" and that pregnancy is the only time when I can "eat whatever I want" and when I don't have to worry about my weight. But I disagree. I don't think that being pregnant allows you to go nuts and eat whatever you want. I think, if anything, pregnancy is the time when you need to eat healthiest and take the best care of yourself that you can.

That's the plan anyway. That plan usually only lasts until the next craving hits. Then comes the shame and guilt. Shame for not being able to control myself and guilt for giving in to a craving and all the fat and (empty) calories that go along with it. I start every day with the best intentions. I bring my work out bag with me every day and pack a day's worth of healthy snacks, I fill my Bubba Keg with 52 ounces of water and I try to stay away from the cafeteria. Every day after I get off the scale and see the weight gain for that day I tell myself that I have to do better. But the baby or the hormones or stress or plain old temptation seem to get me every time. If there is a cookie or some other kind of sweet, I'll give in. If I'm craving salty or crunchy I'll run down to the cafeteria for a bag of chips. I'll swing by Krystal's for two cheese Krystal's and a chocolate milk shake (which are the bomb, btw). If I've had a tough day or if its too windy or too cold I'll skip the walk after work. I'll come home and sit on the couch and watch tv all night.

This isn't a new thing for me though. I've been struggling with my diet and with my weight for my whole life. I finally took control last summer and stuck to a strict diet and exercise plan. I lost the weight and I felt great. Both about the weight loss and about myself. But as hard as it was to stick to a strict diet then, it seems much harder now. I think because I can't really restrict food right now. I obviously can't go low carb. I know that I should avoid fast food and sweets but those things are really hard to resist when I'm hungry or cranky. I go there. I give in and listen to all the voices that say, "you're pregnant, enjoy it". Its like I've been given permission to "be bad". The cycle continues...

So where does that leave me? I can't go on feeling guilty about everything I eat and about every pound I gain. I KNOW that not only is it perfectly healthy and normal to gain weight but that I need to gain weight. But, at the same time, I don't want to gain an excessive amount of weight. I have this scary number (60 pounds) floating around in my head. I don't know why that's the number that freaks me out but it does. I am aiming for a nice, healthy 30-35 pounds. And I think I'm on a fairly good trajectory to hit that at this point. I gained 5 pounds in my first trimester and now, at 21 weeks, I'm up another 9 for a total of 14 pounds. According to the many weight gain charts I've been seeking out online, I am in the healthy range for where I should be right now. I keep trying to divide the weight gain out by my remaining weeks to see how much I can gain each week and still come in at or under my goal.

But how do I maintain the "slow and steady" weight gain and avoid gaining double what I want? How do I eat healthy but still get some treats? How do I get rid of the guilt and worry over everything I eat? And how can I stop worrying about the future and getting the weight off after the baby comes? I need to find some kind of happy medium where I can live guilt-free but happy. I guess all I can do is give it my best effort. To try to eat healthy 90% of the time. To try to exercise at least 3-4 days a week. To try to remember proper portion size and eating in moderation. To remember that if I slip up now and then it's not the end of the world. And try to remember that I lost the weight once and, if I really put my mind to it, I can do it again.

Halfway There

This has been a pretty great week. There were so many exciting developments in our lives. Finding out that we're having a little boy was completely amazing. I'm still trying to get used to calling the baby him instead of it. But thinking of our little boy and what he'll look like and what his personality will be like has been wonderful.

We've also decided on a name for our little man. He will be Evan Andrew. We've been pretty much decided on Evan for a couple of weeks now but picking the middle name was a little more difficult. We went back and forth with a couple of different names, made lists, and even consulted a bunch of baby name websites and the book "Cool Names for Baby" but ultimately decided on Andrew and we're both really happy with it.

This weekend we made our first trip to Babies R Us with a plan to purchase and not just to look around. We picked out a crib and dresser set but as the time to purchase got closer, I started to get cold feet about the price. It was a pricier set and I kept thinking of all the things we could spend the extra money on. I found a second set that I liked just as much and was cheaper but we wanted to see it in person before we bought it. Once we saw the second set there was no comparison. It just seemed rickety and not as sturdy as the first set. Luckily for us a friend had given us a bunch of Babies R Us coupons and we were able to save $250 on the set we wanted!! It was very exciting to actually make the first purchase for our baby boy. Of course while we were there we had to look at all the cute baby clothes and we bought some onesies for him too. So we are officially on our way to preparing for our baby boy's arrival.

We did find out the bedding set we planned on getting is sold out everywhere! After waiting to find out what we were having I was so prepared to order the bedding as soon as we got home. I spent over an hour searching high and low on the Internet only to find out that I can not order it anywhere. I'm still not willing to give up on what I want so I signed up with about 10 different websites to be notified when the set becomes available again. Hopefully it will be available soon because I haven't found anything else that I like as much. Fingers crossed!

Of course the biggest thing to happen this week is making it to the halfway point in my pregnancy! It's hard to believe that I am already half way there. My first trimester seemed to drag on forever since I spent the majority of it holding my breath waiting for something bad to happen but now the weeks seem to be speeding by. Now I feel like we've got so much stuff to get done and only a couple months to do it all. I know we'll get there but it is a little overwhelming right now.

I attached the most recent belly picture from today. Even though I still feel more fat looking than pregnant, I can definitely see the difference from two weeks ago. I don't think I've "popped" yet and I'm looking forward to that. I still feel like I'm in the "in between" phase where my regular clothes don't quite fit and I'm still swimming in maternity clothes.

I have another doctor appointment on Wednesday and I'm not really sure what the appointment will include but I'm looking forward to at least hearing little Evan's heartbeat again. I'll keep you posted...

It's a BOY!!!

I have to say I'm very shocked to be having a boy. After all of your guesses convinced me that I must be having a girl to hear that I am having a boy is pretty surprising. We are so excited though. We can't wait to meet our little man!

We are still undecided on a name. I'm pretty sure we've got the first name locked down but we're still trying to come up with the middle name. Joe is asking for something a little nontraditional so we're really brainstorming right now. So far his suggestion has been Atlas, which I promptly vetoed.

We got a DVD of the ultrasound and I've been trying to post it here for your viewing pleasure for the last 2 hours with no luck. I'll have to scan the pictures later and upload them instead. The baby kept his little face covered the majority of the time and even managed to flip us the bird at one point but you will get a few peeks at his face. Anyway, off to shop...

EDIT: Joe and I finally figured out how to add video so enjoy!!

Pink or Blue?

Well, we've made it. We are only 13 hours from finding out whether we're having a little boy or a little girl. I'm still pretty much up in the air with a guess. I don't have any overwhelming inclinations either way. I think because most of the people around me are predicting girl, I've begun leaning towards girl but will obviously be overjoyed either way.

I'm hoping that finding out the baby's sex will FINALLY help me realize that I'm really pregnant and that there is really a baby in there. Even though I've been feeling movements and can see my belly growing I just still can't believe it. I'm waiting for that moment when it all feels real.

We're still undecided on names. We have a short list but nothing confirmed yet. I have a couple of favorites but Joe is still mulling them over. I think we have the room decor pretty much figured out. We have lots of chores to do to get the room ready including new carpet, blinds, a new fan, etc. Once we get that stuff out of the way we can get down to business and get decorating.

I'll definitely post the outcome of the ultrasound on Facebook but will also post here for those of you not on Facebook. Thank you for voting in my poll. We'll see who is right!!

Makes me smile

You all know how I love to relate music to situations in my life and that lyrics can mean so much to me. Well, there is a verse in a new song that makes me smile every time I hear it. Joe is going to mock me endlessly because it's a Michael Buble song but I don't care. The lyrics speak to me and my situation right now and I just want to pat my belly and sing the words to my baby.

Anyway, here is the verse that's got me smiling, from Michael Buble's I Just Haven't Met You Yet:

And I Know That We Can Be So Amazing
And Baby Your Love Is Gonna Change Me
And Now I Can See Every Possibility

And Somehow I Know That It Will All Turn Out
And You'll Make Me Work So We Can Work To Work It Out
And I Promise You Kid I'll Give So Much More Than I Get
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Some encouragement

Things are moving right along now. When we first scheduled our BIG ultrasound we were more than three weeks away. Now, we'll find out what we're having one week from tomorrow! It is really hard to believe that in just one week we will know whether we're having a boy or a girl. It is so crazy. I know I've been saying it over and over since I first found out I was pregnant but I STILL cannot believe this is actually happening. Now, not only am I having a baby but I will know if I'm having a little girl or a little boy. The emotions are quite overwhelming.

I have been feeling a little discouraged lately too. I don't understand why everyone feels the need to tell me how awful things are going to be after the baby comes. I realize I have no idea how it will be to bring home a new baby but I am trying to keep an open mind. So having people tell me how much things will suck is kind of frustrating. I feel like I can't give any ideas or opinions without someone chiming in and telling me how wrong I am and that I need to give up on everything I'm thinking. I know everyone says that having a baby is the hardest thing they've ever done but that doesn't mean that I can't do it. I guess I just wish that someone would say, "yes, it is going to be very hard, but you'll adjust and be just fine". I don't know. I guess I get it that people are trying to prepare me but I just wish they could be more encouraging with their opinions.

Anyway, I've attached my most recent belly picture. I took this one tonight so, although it says 18 weeks, it's technically 18 weeks 4 days. As you can see the belly is growing quite a bit. When I look at the picture I think I look pregnant but when I look in the mirror, especially without clothes on, I feel like I look fat. My belly just still feels like it has a lot of jiggle to it. I'm looking forward to it rounding out. I'm up 10 pounds total and feel pretty okay with that. I'm almost half way so I guess that is pretty good so far. I've been pretty good about exercising. I've been walking after work and have gone to a couple of yoga classes. I'd like to try to make yoga more regular.

I have started lubing up the belly with high hopes of keeping the stretch marks at bay. I know, I know, good luck. I know that if you are predisposed to stretch marks there isn't much you can do to prevent them and I already have stretch marks on my boobs and hips leftover from puberty. But, I can't just sit back and do nothing. I got some Mama Mio Tummy Rub oil and I love it. It smells so good and makes my skin feel so soft and it really helps with the itchiness. I've been rubbing it on at night before bed. We'll see what happens but I feel better for trying something.