Please don't get me wrong, I am overjoyed that I am expecting a baby boy. I can not wait to meet him and am so happy that I will finally get my chance to be a mom. But right now I feel fat and ugly and stressed out and not at all "glowing". It makes me sad that I don't have a predominant bump yet and that people who see me in public would still guess fat over pregnant. Clothes look really bad on me right now. My belly isn't rounded and cute yet, it still looks like two fat rolls. I can't wear something clingy because of the fat roll problem but when I wear something loose I just look like I'm trying to cover up the results of too many cheeseburgers. My boobs are gargantuan. Since last June when I started losing weight I've gone from a 36C to a 34B to now a 34DD and I'm starting to feel like I'm growing out of the new bras. They feel huge and jiggly and floppy and gross. I hate them. And I know its only going to get worse before it gets better.
And as much as I love feeling the baby kick, sometimes its uncomfortable. I know as he grows the kicks are only going to get stronger and more frequent. It makes me so upset to feel uncomfortable by him kicking me. Its the greatest feeling in the world, something I've longed to feel my whole life, how dare I feel inconvenienced by it. I feel like such a bad person, a bad mom, for feeling this way. I'm pretty much an emotional mess.
I think that I have a problem with expectations. I think too much about how "things will be" and they are NEVER how I imagine them in my head. This is true of everything in life. Its like reading a book and loving it but being disappointed when you see the movie. Because nothing is ever as good as you make it in your mind. I never imagined when looking at a pregnant woman that she could be anything but overjoyed with what she was experiencing. I never thought that she could be uncomfortable or stressed out about anything because she was lucky enough to be pregnant. That was the best thing in life, every moment was made of sunshine and rainbows. I guess I learned that lesson the hard way.
The fact that I'm a planner is really hard right now too. Sure, I can plan but am having a hard time dealing with stuff when it doesn't go my way. The baby bedding, for instance. The nursery I planned around the cutest baby bedding ever may not happen. The pirate bedding is quickly becoming an Internet myth. Originally I saw that it would be coming back in April, now some sites are saying June 1 and some are even saying that it will be late June before its available. That shit stresses me out. I know its ONLY baby bedding. I get it. I get that the baby isn't going to give a crap that he is sleeping on the cutest little pirate bedding in the world. I know that the nursery is only for my and Joe's enjoyment. But the nursery that I planned in my head was so cute. It made me smile just thinking of it and happy that THAT would be the room our baby would grow up in. Now I don't know what its going to look like. We are still planning a pirate theme no matter what and have picked out "back up" bedding that is very cute. We ordered the treasure map mural and are still planning on painting that but the bedding isn't THE bedding. Its super cute but it will never be my first choice and a lot of the accents I had planned to go with the first bedding won't go with the second bedding. I know you're thinking these are frivolous details but they're important to me.
The second major drama in my life right now is the baby's closet. Again, I know, mountain out of molehill but my expectations are screwing with me again. I gave a lot of thought to the best way to maximize the space I have in the baby's closet. It is a good size closet, deep and tall, but since baby clothes are only 12" or so long, I knew I had to get rid of the one shelf and bar and add at least two rows of racks to hang clothes on. I also wanted to install drawers in the closet for socks and onesies and bibs, etc. Sounds easy, right? Ha! You know, it actually might be easy if I were willing to pay $1000 for it. The ability to get what I want does exist but I am not willing to pay that much for it. So I've been trying to find another solution with not much luck. Why don't I just put a dresser in the closet? One, dressers are too wide, I wouldn't have enough room to hang clothes on either side. Two, I don't want anything taking up the floor space of the closet. I would love to have the floor space available to store big bulky toys. Three, dressers aren't cheap either. I think Joe, in an effort to make me relax, is going to build me something that will fit the bill. I have to give up the drawers and concede to using baskets but feel like it will still be okay.
I realize I have to stop this nonsense. I have to stop letting my expectations get the best of me. And I have to stop getting stressed out to the point of a meltdown when things don't go according to plan. I have come up with a list of things I am going to TRY to do help myself relax and "go with the flow".
1. Let it go. If something isn't going exactly the way I planned, its okay, it will still happen and will be fine. You'd think I'd have learned this lesson from throwing parties. Just because things don't go exactly as planned, people will still have fun and the party will still go on. Just accept it for what it is, smile and move on.
2. Stop with the guilt. I can not keep piling guilt on myself for everything thing I eat, everything I feel, every walk I don't take, every slack off moment in my life. I am human and will eat and feel and be lazy, just like the rest of the world. It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me normal.
3. Stop assuming people are out to get me. There are some people in my life who I feel like are just waiting for my first screw up or first moment of weakness so that they can point and laugh and say, "I told you so". I have to stop assuming that people are that malicious. I have to try to believe that when they give advice that they are doing it because they care and want me to be prepared. I will try not to take offense to the things they are saying and stop assuming they're calling me a bad mom.
4. Try to remember everything I have to look forward to. I'm having a baby and that is amazing! I've waited so long to get here and I'm letting my pregnancy be overrun by stress and hurt and guilt. Instead of thinking about all the things that need to get done and how much they're going to cost, I need to think about the little man I'm bringing into this world and how amazing and wonderful he is going to be. I need to think about the moment I meet him for the first time and the first time he smiles at me or calls me mommy. I need to think about his first steps, his first days in kindergarten, teaching him to ride a bike and to read and how to be a gentleman. Because those are the things that matter. Those are the important things in life. Not baby bedding or closets or stupid people with too many opinions. My little boy and my family are the most important thing I'll ever have in my life. Everything else is just details.
We did get some great things accomplished this week. I registered! You all have no idea what an accomplishment that was for me. The registry was yet another thing that was stressing me out. I researched almost every item to death but feel very happy with the picks I've made. And its done now so I can stop thinking about it! We also got new blinds installed in the baby's room. I don't know if I mentioned it but we got them on clearance from a special order that someone returned. They fit perfectly and look great. My dad and Joe also got the drywall patched in the baby's room. We also purchased a new fan for little man's room and purchased new carpet for the whole house!! I'm so excited to be getting rid of this heinous carpet! And, like I said earlier, we've ordered the mural for the baby's wall as well. We are planning to get the painting started in Evan's room this week so it'll be done before the new carpet gets installed. Definite progress! Even though there isn't a ton to see at this point, I've posted some pictures in the renovation album. Oh, and here is my 22 week belly shot. I don't think I've grown much since the last one at 20 weeks but its definitely there.
6 comments:
Tricia,
DON'T feel guilty about how you feel. You are not alone. I remember aspects of my prenancies that I hated. I remember the bloated feeling and the greasy hair and skin feeling. It is not all sunshine. Pregnancy to me was a means to an end (and a very wonderful end!). I didn't like to be touched on the stomach by anyone. I didn't like to show my stomach to anyone. You are not a bad person for feeling like that and it doesn't make you a bad mom. I loved the mement of delivery and having a newborn but I would love to be able to skip the nine months being pregnant.
And I think you look wonderful. You definitely look pregnant, and a very cute pregnant in my opinion.
oops typo- meant moment of delivery!
Thanks Em. It helps to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm trying to be more "go with the flow".
Tricia...
I HATED being pregnant. Every single aspect of it. If I could have more babies without being pregnant I would. You are not alone.. Alot of people I know felt the same way. Its normal! Just remember its not forever and you get life most precious gift at the end, that was the only thing that got me through it. I agree with Em, you dont look like you are covering up the cheeseburgers, you look like you are pregnant!!
Elena
OH GOD...all this is SO normal! We all felt this way! The middle trimester of your 1st baby is horrible! You are too big to fit in your "normal" clothes and too small to fill out the maternity clothes. You do feel flubbery and I remember crying to my OB to why the other ladies in the waiting room looked pregnant and I just looked fat. He said this, and he is SO right...
"In your 1st pregnancy, everything is tight; ligaments, muscles, skin, and it keeps a lot of the baby belly tight and not popping until the end."
Believe me, next time...everything falls out. Once you find out you're prego, everyone knows because your body says, "oh I remember this" and goes into neutral. It took me 5 months to get into maternity clothes with Alexis, 7-8 months before I actuall "looked pregnant" and could fill out the clothes. With Bubs, I had to drag out the elastic waist pants and maternity clothes out at 10 WEEKS. Looked like I was going to pop at 6 months (it didn't help that he was 10 pounds at birth either). We'll talk after Evan is born about the splitting of your abs, the importance of Kegels, & molting like a bird. There is a lot of things they don't tell you post baby. Ask any of us about that when you're ready...
I felt like such a fat pig. I did only gain ~30 pounds with each, but I would get out of breath just walking down the halls. I would start to sweat, people would tell me I was "glowing". I remember snapping at a co-worker saying "you know, shut the f--k up. That 'glowing' is the sweat on my forehead from walking down the hall. Now get out of that chair and let me sit, my back is killing me!" I had NO standing tolerance with my pregnancies, had to sit after 5 minutes of standing still. Beleive me, we all wish that we could erase those months. You do look pregnant, not cheeseburger happy!
It is also hard, when you are SO used to being in control to lost it. You probably feel like everything is out of control: hormones, eating, cravings, weight, mood, baby. And right now it is. You are driving yourself crazy with things that you feel you have control over. I know, I've been there. It is a great start with "going with the flow", but with you being such a planner and needing that control (which is NOT a bad thing, it's just who you are, Type A). It can also be that much harder to try to take on the "Type B" personality during this time as well. Realizing what you can't control at the moment is the 1st step, keeping reasonable control over what you can is another. Always a struggle. That is all the "therapist" talk I am giving today.
Can't wait to see the room, how do you get that mural on the wall? I am assuming that the paper is a 'template', correct me if I am wrong. That will be amazing when it is done. Take a deep breath (while you still can) and again, enjoy the ride.
Love,
Kristen
Thanks Kristen, that helps. It is crazy to feel so out of control about everything. Sometimes I'm beaming with happiness, sometimes I want to curl into a ball and cry and sometimes I would like to stab someone in the face for being in my way. I honestly think I'm getting better but it has definitely all been a surprise.
Yes, you're right about the mural, the paper is the template that you trace over. It has carbon paper attached to the back that leaves the outline on the wall. Once it comes down you paint in the lines.
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