A Happy Medium

I know I've been talking about this topic endlessly and you all have been very supportive on Facebook and here but the topic of weight gain is pretty much always at the front of my thoughts lately. People keep telling me to "relax and enjoy it" and that pregnancy is the only time when I can "eat whatever I want" and when I don't have to worry about my weight. But I disagree. I don't think that being pregnant allows you to go nuts and eat whatever you want. I think, if anything, pregnancy is the time when you need to eat healthiest and take the best care of yourself that you can.

That's the plan anyway. That plan usually only lasts until the next craving hits. Then comes the shame and guilt. Shame for not being able to control myself and guilt for giving in to a craving and all the fat and (empty) calories that go along with it. I start every day with the best intentions. I bring my work out bag with me every day and pack a day's worth of healthy snacks, I fill my Bubba Keg with 52 ounces of water and I try to stay away from the cafeteria. Every day after I get off the scale and see the weight gain for that day I tell myself that I have to do better. But the baby or the hormones or stress or plain old temptation seem to get me every time. If there is a cookie or some other kind of sweet, I'll give in. If I'm craving salty or crunchy I'll run down to the cafeteria for a bag of chips. I'll swing by Krystal's for two cheese Krystal's and a chocolate milk shake (which are the bomb, btw). If I've had a tough day or if its too windy or too cold I'll skip the walk after work. I'll come home and sit on the couch and watch tv all night.

This isn't a new thing for me though. I've been struggling with my diet and with my weight for my whole life. I finally took control last summer and stuck to a strict diet and exercise plan. I lost the weight and I felt great. Both about the weight loss and about myself. But as hard as it was to stick to a strict diet then, it seems much harder now. I think because I can't really restrict food right now. I obviously can't go low carb. I know that I should avoid fast food and sweets but those things are really hard to resist when I'm hungry or cranky. I go there. I give in and listen to all the voices that say, "you're pregnant, enjoy it". Its like I've been given permission to "be bad". The cycle continues...

So where does that leave me? I can't go on feeling guilty about everything I eat and about every pound I gain. I KNOW that not only is it perfectly healthy and normal to gain weight but that I need to gain weight. But, at the same time, I don't want to gain an excessive amount of weight. I have this scary number (60 pounds) floating around in my head. I don't know why that's the number that freaks me out but it does. I am aiming for a nice, healthy 30-35 pounds. And I think I'm on a fairly good trajectory to hit that at this point. I gained 5 pounds in my first trimester and now, at 21 weeks, I'm up another 9 for a total of 14 pounds. According to the many weight gain charts I've been seeking out online, I am in the healthy range for where I should be right now. I keep trying to divide the weight gain out by my remaining weeks to see how much I can gain each week and still come in at or under my goal.

But how do I maintain the "slow and steady" weight gain and avoid gaining double what I want? How do I eat healthy but still get some treats? How do I get rid of the guilt and worry over everything I eat? And how can I stop worrying about the future and getting the weight off after the baby comes? I need to find some kind of happy medium where I can live guilt-free but happy. I guess all I can do is give it my best effort. To try to eat healthy 90% of the time. To try to exercise at least 3-4 days a week. To try to remember proper portion size and eating in moderation. To remember that if I slip up now and then it's not the end of the world. And try to remember that I lost the weight once and, if I really put my mind to it, I can do it again.