All jumbled up

When I found out I was pregnant I knew that my life would be changing. However, I don't think it fully hit me until this week. I don't know what the trigger was (maybe my expanding belly) but I all of a sudden got very overwhelmed by the decisions and changes that are coming. When I was going through infertility treatments or dealing with the disappointment of a failed cycle I tried to comfort myself by saying that, "eventually this will happen for us", but I don't know if I ever REALLY believed that I would be where I am today. I'm still shocked by it. But because I never believed this would happen, I never put any real thought into the changes that would come from becoming a parent.

One easy decision was that I will definitely be returning to work after the baby is born. Not only can we not afford for me to stay at home, I don't know if I could do it. I need down time and being a stay at home mom doesn't afford you much. So Joe and I have always known that we'll need to find a daycare for baby. We have been talking about what we want and where we'll look but haven't made the actual steps to go out and visit daycare yet. I have questions I want to ask and things I want to look for but I'm really hoping intuition kicks in and I'll "just know" the daycare that is right for our baby.

Another thing I've been thinking about is a college savings plan. I know it is really early to be thinking about but is it ever TOO EARLY to think about your child's education? I worked very hard and took out lots of student loans and credit cards to get through college. Student loans that I am still paying for and will be for a long time. I look at the money spent as a good investment because having a degree has helped me get to where I am now. But because I worked full time throughout my whole college career, I feel like I missed out on a lot of the experiences that come with being a college student. I want my child to have those experiences. Not that I want to live vicariously through my child or expect that he/she do all those things, but I want him/her to have the choice. When it comes time to apply for college, I want to be able to say, "don't worry about the cost, we've got it covered". But I have absolutely no idea where to even start. I don't want to do a state only pre-paid fund because I don't want to limit our child to only state schools. And what if he/she decides not to go to college? I don't want to have to pay a ton of penalties on our money for using it towards non-education expenses.

Then there is the whole matter of feeding, clothing, diapering and taking care of baby. In addition to daycare costs, we'll also be adding all the regular baby expenses. I honestly have no idea, on a monthly basis, how much it will cost to "maintain" a baby and it kind of freaks me out. I have a general idea about daycare costs but don't know how to plan or budget for all the other stuff that babies need. Joe and I have been working hard at saving money for baby but when I look at all our upcoming expenses, it just feels like not enough. Trying to save for my maternity leave, much needed repairs around the house, making a nursery and buying nursery furniture and other baby essentials, and trying to pay off credit cards is exhausting and overwhelming. Every time I make a purchase or balance the check book I think about the money that could've gone in the baby fund. I am just so afraid of not having enough money to do everything that needs to be done.

Then there are the stresses of my body changing. I know that what I'm experiencing is completely normal and "beautiful" but it doesn't feel that way. I'm up eight pounds, which I know is completely normal for how far along I am, but all I can think of when I see the numbers on the scale is gaining 100 pounds and never being able to lose it. Before I got pregnant, my life revolved around eating healthy and exercise and watching the numbers on the scale go down. It's hard to let go of that state of mind. It's hard not to freak out when I gain three pounds IN ONE DAY! I have totally given up on exercise as of late and can be very easily swayed into eating cookies or taco bell or anything salty and crunchy. I try really hard to eat well but know I'm not getting enough protein or vegetables. Am I a bad mom already?

Getting dressed every day is really hard for me too. I already had to give up my high heels, which was like losing a part of my identity, but now I'm wearing the same three outfits over and over again. My belly is popping out but not enough for people to know for sure that I'm pregnant. So I just look like I've given up and started gaining weight and stopped dressing cute. I did order some maternity pants online which will, hopefully, help me with my outfit choices and I'm looking forward to warm weather so I can wear some of my flowy dresses. I am terrified that after baby comes I won't go back to how I dressed before. I've got to be realistic. When I'm sleep deprived, leaking milk, and covered in spit-up am I really going to want to get dressed up and put on high heels? But that is so scary because those are things I love to do.

I'm afraid of losing my identity. I know my life is going to change, and this is going to sound REALLY stupid, but I feel like I won't be able to do things that I could do before baby. This is so embarrassing to admit but this revelation came from listening to a song on the radio. Akon's "Sexy Chick". It's an upbeat club song about a hot girl that all the guys want. When the song came on I started thinking, this song makes me want to go out dancing. But then the thought came to a screeching halt in my head as I thought, I can't go out dancing in a club, I'm going to be someone's mother. No matter how hard I tried I could not picture myself getting dressed up sexy, leaving the baby with a sitter, and going out dancing in a club. The scene in my head is just absurd. It's like that scene in Knocked Up when the bouncer turns them away and tells the sister, "you're old as fuck and she's pregnant". It just seems all wrong. And I know that's nuts, there are lots of sexy moms (I REFUSE to use the word MILF- it disgusts me) that go out and have a good time after baby but I just can't see myself like that. It's not even like I do that regularly anyway, but it's just something that struck me as no longer do-able.

On top of trying to figure out what my new identity as "mom" will look like, I'm also struggling with the logistics of it all. How the hell am I going handle being a mother? Will I be patient enough? Will I be a good mom? How do I avoid screwing my child up or scarring him/her for life? How will I handle the morning routine of getting baby ready and myself out the door on time for work? How will I fit in exercise? How do you entertain a baby? How will Joe and my relationship change? All these questions and feeling of doubt have really overwhelmed me lately. Things that I never thought of are now weighing on my brain constantly. As someone who strives to be the best at everything I do, trying to be "the best" mother is just too much to handle. I keep telling myself, no expectations. Don't expect it to be any certain way. If I don't have any expectations, then I can't be disappointed or surprised. I've heard that being a mother is the hardest thing I will ever do in my entire life so I'm trying to just go with that.

I know that I need relax and just go with the flow but you all know me well enough to know that just isn't going to happen. I try to read the books and the websites but they just scare me more. You'd think that after six years of trying to get here I'd be a little more prepared but I think I focused so hard on the "getting" here that I never thought about what I'd do once I arrived. It's all just so crazy. I'm going to be someone's mother. Like, a real live human being's mother. I'm going to be responsible for someone's life. How can you not be overwhelmed by that?