I always thought that once I figured out who I was that it would stick with me. That I'd always be self-assured because, deep down, I would know who I was. I would no longer have to answer the big questions because I would always have the self confidence to "just know".
I was so sure of who I was, what I wanted, where my life was going. And I was marching, in heels, up the hill towards that goal. But after everything that's happened over the last couple months, I feel like someone pulled the carpet out from under me and I tumbled all the way back to the bottom of the hill. Now I'm standing at a huge fork in the road and I have no idea which path I want or should take. None of the paths look particularly easy or comfortable. They all look hard and scary.
And I just don't know. It's so frustrating because I really JUST DON'T KNOW! I know that I can't turn back the clock but sometimes I wish I could just do it over. I wish that as a young person that I had more goals than just "wife and mother". I wish that I would've explored myself and my interests and that I would've had a "Plan B". A plan that I could turn to when that first, most coveted goal, fell through.
Because it has fallen through... fully this time. I have no hope left for a biological child. None. But the crazy part is that I'm starting to feel okay with it. I am not experiencing the longing right now. The overwhelming desire to continue treatments because we might get lucky with the next cycle. I feel okay right now with a childless life. I think, right now, I can handle it. I feel like I can be the "cool aunt" and be happy just being that. Right now. But the logical, responsible person inside me always has to think about the future. Will I feel the same way in ten years, when my chances of having a child are even smaller than they are now? That thought is what keeps me from just saying, "fuck it", and moving on with my life.
And I really and truly just want to say fuck it all. I keep having a fantasy of moving to California and starting over. I don't know why I've developed this love affair with California. I've never even been there. I don't know if it is because it's the farthest distance I can run to without having to cross an ocean. I don't know if it is because it is so different but still so similar to where I live now. I just want to go. I want to start new and fresh and get away from all the memories here. But I know I can't escape my problems. Moving to California, or anywhere else for that matter, won't get me away from the "axis of evil" that is my reproductive system. I'm stuck with this screwed up body and all the problems that go with it. I can never truly run away from this because it is in me... it is me.
Maybe I'm fortunate, in some backwards way, to have the opportunity to make a decision. If children would've come easy to me, I would've just been content to live the life of the mom. And I know I would've loved it. I would've thrown myself into the school projects, and extracurricular activities, and the messy craziness. I would've been the best mom there ever was. I would've loved my kids and supported them and been there for them every step of the way. I would've loved that life. But maybe there is another life out there for me. Maybe I'm meant to be more than a mom. Maybe I'm supposed to do something more important.
That's what I'm searching for. What other goal can I start working towards? Who am I? What do I want? Those are hard questions to answer when your brain keeps looking over her shoulder to "Plan A".
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3 comments:
I hate to hear that you're somewhat lost right now. I've been dealing with that for quite some time now. I wish I had done a lot of things, actually, most things differently. I am NOT in a place where I thought I would be at almost 31. I feel like I should be on some episode of Lost!!! It sucks, for sure, so I can sympathize with your feelings now. I can't say that I know how you feel about children because i don't. But, you have so much and have done so much to be proud of. Think of that and start from TODAY doing things that make you happy. Embrace change! This mess we have to deal with sometimes causes us to be depressed. Attached is an excerpt from an email I got from a friend regarding a bible discourse she went to. It was entitled "AS CHRISTIANS WE CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE". When he got to the part on depression, he called up a man who wears glasses to illustrate the point he was going to make. May I have your glasses? (Handed them over) I know you are short-sighted, but can you see the clock at the back? NO. Come, on try harder. NO. Take another look, for I'm sure you can if you try. Think positive! Still NO. So he got his glasses back and sat down. Speaker: "Short sightedness is an inherited imperfection and no matter how hard I tried to motivate him, he can NOT see that distance. Depression is also a biomedical condition that will last until the new world, same as his short-sightedness. We cannot motivate people with depression by saying 'try harder!' or 'think positive!' but it doesn't change anything for them. Paul counseled us in 1 Thess 5:14 says: speak consolingly to the depressed souls, support the weak, be long-suffering toward ALL Consolingly means soothingly. That is how to treat the many among us with depression or related invisible illnesses." Hope this helped you some. If it didn't, remember you are not alone in dealing with these feelings! Hang in there girl! This too will pass!!!
XOXOXOX
Kim
Thank you Kim, that is a very nice passage.
It makes me so very sad to know that you are sad and I can't do anything to fix it----there are things in my life I wished that I had done differently but then would I still feel that I wished I had done things differently that way too----my one major regret in life is moving to Florida and being away from my family----if I could go back and Aunt Patti too we probably would not have left---I feel that I missed out on a lot of things that I cannot get back--- a relationship with my mother for one thing and you kids having Grandparents---the best thing in the world that I treasure the most is my family--- all the money in the world cannot change that and even the richest people may be jealous of that because even their money can't buy them that---so I focus on the positive things----yes you could be the favorite aunt and spend more time with nieces and nephews and be favorite Aunt Tricia-- I know how badly you want a child of your own and it breaks my heart to know that so far it has not worked---I think that you should take a break and focus on something new for a while and then see what happens in 6 - 12 months from now...know that I love you very much and that I am here ---xoxo mom
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