Not Pregnant

Those were the words glaring up at me from the digital pregnancy test I took this morning. I knew then today would be a bad day. My HCG numbers came back at 8.5 so, obviously, this is not a viable pregnancy. My instructions are to stop the progesterone and wait for a period. I'll get a letter from the doctor within a couple of weeks that will detail my cycle and tell me what he would do differently the next time. If there is a next time.

So far I'm very numb. The real emotions haven't hit me yet. I've just been distracting myself with everything else. Joe is very sad. I feel horrible that he is as sad as he is. I know this isn't my fault but if my crazy fucked up body would just do what it is supposed to do for a change he wouldn't be sad anymore. Life would be a whole lot easier if something would just click inside me and start doing what nature intends it to do. I would love to know what its like just to be normal. Not even extraordinary, just normal.

I really have no idea where we'll go from here. We've decided that we're going to use the $1500 we get from participating in the progesterone study to take a vacation. We want to go somewhere we can relax and just let it all go. I think we're going to try to go around my birthday. Two birds, one stone. I'm sure I'll keep you posted on what we decide. I appreciate everyone's well wishes over the last month. You guys have been a great support system.

I guess we have a lot of decisions to make now. But, I certainly don't plan on making them tonight. I brought a pizza home for dinner and I plan on taking a nice bath later. I'm sure the emotions will hit me at some point and I'll have to deal with it but right now I want to think of anything but what's happening.