A moment of silence

I know my last couple of blogs have been very job specific but that's basically the only thing I've had going on over the last 3 weeks. This career change has been overwhelming and all encompassing. I can barely remember what day it is and when I get home I just want to zone out and not think about anything. My brain is in overload mode.

I think it's the pressure I put on myself that is making this so hard for me. Obviously, the job is challenging. Supervising 12 people and learning their jobs as well as my new job is a lot to take on. Add in the fact that I really don't have anyone to train me, and it just gets harder. But, just like everything in my life, I put pressure on myself to be the best at it right away. I want to be an expert. I hate feeling dumb and having to ask for help. I realize these thoughts are ridiculous and that NO ONE expects me to be an expert in 3 weeks but I can't stop beating myself up for it.

I've had a few moments of wondering if it's all worth it. Is the money and the job title worth living with a numb brain? Is it worth having to work late and feel stressed out and guilty that I wasn't home earlier to let my dogs out or give them their walk? Is it worth not being able to email back and forth with my friends all day or browse 10 different gossip sites? Maybe I'll feel differently when I get my first full pay check with the raise. I keep repeating the same Biggie Smalls line in my head, "Mo money, mo problems." LOL

I know what you're all probably thinking, WAAAAAAHHHHH cry baby is never happy. You're probably right. But, could the "never happy" in me just be my ambition pushing me to do better for myself? If I was just content to sit in the same place my whole life, I'd probably still be working at the nursing home with no college degree, making minimum wage wiping old person butt. And, honestly, I'm not unhappy. I'm very proud of myself for working hard and getting to where I am today. It's that pride that keeps me going and pushes me to learn and grow and be the best.

When my boss urged me to apply for this job I tried to reason that money isn't everything and that sometimes it's better to take home a smaller pay check and your sanity. He looked at me and asked the question that I had been asking myself for a while, "Tricia, how long can you continue to dumb it down before you get tired of it?" And he was totally right. I could've stayed in my old job, they would've been totally happy to keep me. But it wasn't a challenge and I was bored. Along with all the stresses, this new job has me thinking and interacting and being creative. Hey, and if I ever get laid off, having "Manager" on the resume sure looks a lot better than "Clerk".

I know this blog is all over the place and doesn't make much sense but sometimes it's nice for me to just write the thoughts as they come out. It's nice to have a moment of silence where I can reason with myself (and all of you in the blogosphere) and realize that it will get easier. I can take a moment to remember where I've been and how far I've come and how much I've had to face and conquer along the way. I'll get there. As long as I keep pushing myself to be the best, I'll keep moving forward.

Oh, and another thing, my position finally matches my wardrobe. WOOT! I'm definitely the sharpest dressed supervisor they've got. LOL