Being honest and writing blogs isn't always the funnest task. I try to always be very honest here and that sometimes means that I have to leave things off the blog. As much as I pour my heart out onto a computer screen, I always have to remember that there are people out there who will probably read what I'm saying. This leads to some serious dilemmas in my head.
Blogging is by far the easiest way for me to "say" what's on my mind. I don't have anyone talking back to me and I don't have to see people's facial expressions or be a good listener. I can just type and get it all out and feel better that all that "stuff" that's inside my head is out and no longer driving me insane. And I do feel insane sometimes saying the things that I say. Telling you all some very personal things that, if I had to look you in the eye, I'd most likely never say.
But days like today when I have so much drama jamming up my brain and I need so badly to write it out and get it out of my head, I stop and think about the consequences. What my words could mean to someone reading them. How my inner turmoil could just come off as complete bitchiness to someone who doesn't get it. A lot of times I don't write it. I just hang on to the chaos and deal with it. I'm doing that now and it's tearing up my insides. I'm a moody mess right now. I, of course, want to down a ton of comfort food to mask my feelings and make me feel better but I can't. I won't.
I have no idea how to say what I need to say. I have no idea how to make people understand me without hurting them at the same time. I have no idea how to make people see that I'm not some selfish, heartless bitch who only has time for herself. I'm not a bad person but sometimes I have to protect MY heart. I have to watch out for ME. If that means keeping to myself then that's the way it has to be.
Sometimes I just feel so alone with my thoughts and my feelings. I know that no matter what I say people just aren't going to understand. They're not going to sympathize with my situation. They can't. They just see me withdrawing into myself and think that it's because I only care about me. I thought I'd gotten so good at pretending. I'd "fight the tears with pretty smiles and lies about the times" (Flyleaf). I guess I'm not as good at pretending as I thought. Without me even realizing, I'd been found out. Even through the smiles and attempts to be social and stories about all my new adventures, people still saw my effort to withdraw and protect my heart. Actually, that's not what they saw. They saw selfish and stubborn. They just see the attitudes that affect them. They don't take the time to find out what's really going on.
I just wish people could see how much I do care. I DO CARE. I want the best for everyone I love. I honestly, honestly do. I want the people I love to have happiness every day of their lives. "My words they don't come out right, but I'm trying to say I'm happy for you" (Blue October). If protecting my heart from things that make me so sad means that I'm selfish, then I guess I am. I can't apologize for wanting to protect me. I can't just leave my heart open and have it broken time after time after time. I can't. And I know it's not somebody's fault when I start to feel down. It's all me. It's me feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for things I can't do anything about. But I wish that people would understand that and stop seeing me as just selfish. Understand that this life is hard and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm just learning as I go and doing the best that I can.
I know this blog probably doesn't make any sense but I had to get some of this drama out of my head. I can't hold onto these things that wear me down. It's too exhausting and I'm already so tired.
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4 comments:
I feel the same way about being too honest in the blog due to people who read it. I created a second blog that no one knows of where I am comfortable enough to really go at it when I need to. Maybe you should do that.. Kinda like an alter ego blog...Hope everything is ok & I am here if you need anything..Judgement Free Zone!
Thanks Elaina, that's a good idea.
Tricia, I had to read your blog a couple times to absorb it all. You are a wonderful person and don't think anything differently. I know that you had a few fast balls thrown at you and some of them hit you hard. You have a lot to deal with both individually and as a couple. You have had a lot of good times and bad times both -but you did survive...maybe the outcome wasn't what you wanted or what we all wanted but no one knows how to change that. We have all felt the disappointment with you. I just don't know what to say at times because I don't want what I say to be taken the wrong way so sometimes I just say nothing but I still care and love you dearly. I know what you have gone through has hit you hard but in some way you have to be excited and happy for the things in life that are here and give us pleasure. We have a wonderful family and need to embrace each other through good and bad. I know that you love each and everyone of us. You are like your father in some ways. Dad doesn't even act like he likes us sometimes, but I know that he does. and that is sometimnes taken as being a mean or non caring person but he isn't. The world revolves around you girls. Is there some kind of group that you could join that would help you work through some things? Maybe talking with someone who has similar things happen to them also would be a help and to see how they cope with it all. I just don't want you to be sad and unhappy. We all love you. Mom xoxoxo
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