The Battle Has Begun

So I've decided that my ass has gotten big enough and I am ready to do something about it. I have officially begun exercising again and have been watching what I eat. It's been three days and I am utterly and completely miserable. I'm like a crack addict jonesing for my next hit. But instead of actual crack, I would like to satisfy my desires with pancakes and Double Stuf Oreos and cheese puffs and pizza and Mexican food. Oh, and don't forget the booze.

I just don't understand how this happened. I mean, I know how I gained the weight, but I don't know how the addiction to food happened. What makes food so desirable and irresistible? I try to reason with myself that it is ONLY food. It's only purpose is fuel my body. Once my body is fueled, it doesn't need any extras. The extras are what are making me fat. But the extras are so freaking delicious!

I could write a novel about the "why, why, why's" of the world but it wouldn't do me any good. Why does the bad for you food taste so much better than the good for you food? Why can other people eat whatever they want and not gain weight? Why is it so much easier to gain weight than to lose it? The "why's" go on forever. And that's just the food/exercise chapter! But I can't get all caught up in the "why's". That won't do me any good. I'll never know why. I just have to accept the "why's" for what they are and move on to the solutions.

Ah, the solutions. There are no big mysteries in how to lose weight. Eat less, exercise more. It's simple, really. The problem is with the execution of the plan. Getting off your ass and into the gym, staying motivated and pushing yourself while there, choosing vegetables over cookies, those are the hard parts. I am yelling at myself constantly during the day to stay motivated. Yesterday on the elliptical I was practically cussing myself out inside my head. I was saying, "move your ass you spoiled, selfish cow" and "Tricia, you dumb bitch, it's only 5 more minutes" and other very mean things. But those things seem to help me.

What doesn't help is that temptation is everywhere! Every time you turn around someone is having a birthday or offering up some kind of treat. You're inundated with food commercials on TV or the sight of fast food restaurants on every corner. Just today a co-worker brought in a tray full of bagels, two boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts, and a Tupperware of homemade fudge brownies! Every time I walk by our kitchen I curse those brownies. I keep telling myself that if my co-workers want to eat that crap and become giant, disgusting hogs then they can but I will not partake. Even though every cell in my body is screaming for one of those brownies.

I know what you're all probably thinking... If you just had a small serving, you might be satisfied and not want it. Bullshit! I know me and I know that if one crumb of that brownie were to hit my tongue I would be done for! I'd probably devour three by the end of the day. I have no self-control. I am not the girl who can go to a restaurant and only eat half of her meal and have the waiter box up the other. I'm not the girl who can count out 12 potato chips from the bag and then walk away. I'm not the girl who can order a salad at McDonalds instead of a Quarter Pounder and fries. I'm not and I know I'm not. That's why I have remained overweight for the majority of my thirty years.

I know that the only way to really lose the weight and keep it off is to completely change my life. My bad habits have got to go, and not temporarily. No, I need a long term plan so that I don't slip back into the bad habits that I love so much. So no more fucking around. I am serious. It's ONLY food. And the gym is ONLY 30 minutes to an hour of my life. So what if I miss out on a piece of cake here and there? I think I've had enough in my lifetime to make up for missing some. So what if I miss out on a TV show? A TV show that will mean nothing to me in the long run. What will mean something to me is feeling better and looking better. I don't want to waste these years by being lazy. The years go by too fast to miss out on anything.

Feel free to cuss me out and keep me motivated. I need all the help I can get!

P.S. Horror of horrors, I just re-read this blog and realized that I sound very similar to a Kathy comic. Just hope that I don't start pointing my finger and yelling "ACK".