I'm alive

Believe it or not, I've survived the worst possible outcome of my IVF. This outcome was actually worse than my "worst case scenario" because it involved another pregnancy loss. I know this one didn't last as long as my last but it still brought all the hope and joy that I hope will be real someday.

I still can't really put a finger on how I'm feeling. I haven't really cried yet. There have been a few tears here and there and an almost permanent lump in my throat but no sobbing yet. I keep waiting for it but it just hasn't happened. I've really been keeping myself occupied with "everything else" so maybe I just haven't given myself sufficient time to grieve yet. I'm sure it'll happen eventually. No need to rush it I suppose. I've mainly been avoiding everyone. I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to have to answer questions and see the sadness in everybody's eyes. I feel safer here on the blog. At least if I need a break here I can take it and come back later when I'm feeling better.

We honestly have no idea where we're going from here. We honestly haven't discussed our next steps. I think it is still way too early to think about it. I really want to get my doctor's perspective about what went wrong. I would specifically like to know if he thinks our embryos are the issue or if I have an issue with implantation. If we decide to keep pursuing a biological child I am definitely going to push for more testing. There obviously has to be something wrong. Considering the fact that it took two and a half years to conceive the first time, then losing it so early, then two more years to conceive again and another loss, there has to be a reason! Maybe several reasons. I don't know, but I'd like someone to figure it out.

The only decisions we've made thus far is a vacation. I'm almost positive we'll be going to Vegas at the end of the month. We're hoping to find cheaper air fare but, even if we don't, I think we're pretty set on the idea. Neither of us has ever been and I think it'll be nice for us to get away from it all and have some fun together. I think we're also going to sneak in a day trip to the Grand Canyon. I have always wanted to see it and it's only a couple of hours from Vegas so we'll probably rent a car and head that way. I've never been further east than New Orleans so I'm really excited to see the different landscape and just a different part of the country.

I was thinking of taking a break from the blog while I sorted out my life but now that I have the vacation coming up I'll have something fun to talk about for a while. So, I'm sure the upcoming blogs will be heavy on the vacation planning. I'd love any tips from you Vegas pro's.