Coming around

The past two weeks have been hell. I have not been myself lately and it has been kind of scary. I withdrew so far into myself that I didn't even feel "me" anymore. I've been a numb, hollow zombie. I honestly felt no joy in my heart. But worse than that, I felt nothing. No joy, no pain, nothing. I've just been existing. I still haven't really cried. There have been some tears here and there but nothing like I expected. Every time I've experienced the let down at the end of a failed cycle, there are always tears. This time I had none.

I've been debating whether or not to write this blog, to let you in on the pain. But, I figure I let you ride this roller coaster with me and you deserve to ride it to the end, no matter how much it sucks. I am starting to feel better. If not better, than at least more me. I'm actually able to smile at people and mean it. I don't have to fake happy for anyone. I started noticing the sunrises again and have allowed myself to listen to music that makes me happy. I've started looking in the mirror again and have been putting effort into getting ready. I'm still existing on my "comfort" diet but feel the urge to get back to eating healthier again.

I feel like the most devastating part of this is not the disappointment of a failed cycle. I've been there before, I know what that feels like, I know how to deal with that. The thing that is hardest for me to think about is the "what's next". I can't even go there without a lump rising in my throat. It is the scariest thing for me to think about right now because I honestly don't know what's next. I have no idea if I am strong enough to keep trying. I don't just want to keep throwing money and emotions at this problem if it is never going to work. I don't know if I can handle the ups and downs anymore. I bought a book about adoption but can't bring myself to start reading it. It just makes me sad. There are just so many "what-if's" right now that I can't even allow myself to really think about it because I'm afraid I'll have a nervous breakdown.

So those decisions have been put on hold for now. We have booked our trip to Las Vegas for April 26th-30th. We'll be staying at the Bellagio. I've already planned a spa day for myself on my actual birthday at Qua in Caesar's Palace and know that Joe and I will go out to a nice dinner that night. Other than those things we're kind of undecided on what else we'll do. We haven't ruled out the Grand Canyon but don't know if we'll be able to fit it in. I know we plan on at least one day at the pool. There is something about being on a lounge chair and having waiters bring me drinks that just screams happiness to me. We're both very excited to get away and have fun together. We want to break out of the sadness and really enjoy each other again.

One thing that has really been helping me deal with all this has been reading. I've jumped headfirst into Twilight mania and have gotten myself full-on obsessed. If you haven't read the Twilight series, go get the books now! They are so good! I've been getting lost in the books and reading for hours at a time. I've skipped dinners and could barely pull myself away long enough to take bathroom breaks. I finished the fourth, and final, book last night and already miss the characters so much. I'm pretty sure I'll start reading the series again to see if there is anything I missed. The books are so intense that I would start reading faster and faster just to get to what happened next. So, I'm sure there are parts that I skimmed a little too quickly. I am so in love with the books that I feel like I've turned into a 14 year old girl. I've been all over the Twilight fan sites looking for pictures of the cast, updates on the filming of the next movie, opinions on what happens once the books end, everything. It is crazy. I have no idea how I got so hooked but I am. I downloaded the soundtrack and can't wait to rent the movie again. I feel like such a nerd for even admitting all this but I feel like something this good can't be kept a secret. So, go get the books and start reading. I highly doubt you'll be disappointed.

I guess that's all for now. I hope you all have a great Easter.