The year in review

What a year it's been. I actually can't believe how soon it will be over. I've been trying to look back over my year and remember some of the ups and downs. It's really amazing how much I've forgotten already.

I started last year out at a New Year's Eve party at one of Joe's co-worker's houses. We weren't with our friends, we were with people we hardly knew and I really hated that. I remember watching the ball drop and being completely overwhelmed with sadness. I actually cried. I think that should've been an indication of how the year would go for me. It's been a really hard year. The hits started coming and really have just kept on coming for us. Joe and I kept wondering when it would be our turn for some good luck.

I can't say the year was all bad. There have been some changes recently that I think will put us in a better place for 2008. I got a new job that has amazing insurance that will actually pay for my fertility treatments. That in itself is huge for us. It's a difference of over $1000 a month that we won't have to come up with. It'll really help take some of the stress away from the treatments. We've decided to start back in the new year and are hoping for some success. It's hard to be optimistic but we're really going to try. It just seems like every time we get our hopes up we get knocked down even further.

Some great things have happened this year. I got two beautiful new nieces who I just adore. They are gorgeous and I'm loving watching them grow. I saw my nephew take his first steps in my living room. That's a memory that I'll cherish forever. I've started taking more responsibility for my health. Joining Jazzercise, while hilarious, is actually really benefiting me and I'm really proud of myself for continuing to go even when I'd really rather sit on the couch.

We got to travel a little bit this year too. Not as much as I'd hoped and not to as glamorous of locations as I'd like but it was nice to get away nonetheless. Our trip to Savannah was pretty much a bust. The rain kept us indoors and away from seeing some of the attractions. We did get to spend time with good friends so that was a highlight. Our trip to Alabama, while short, was very nice. We got to see Joe's family for the first time in months and it was very fun to be around them again. I know Joe misses them so much so I was happy that he was able to be in his element again. He fits in great with my family but nothing can compare to being with your own family. Hopefully next year we'll get some more opportunities to travel. I think I'm definitely going to look for somewhere more tropical.

This post is really hard for me to write and I almost feel like I'm dancing around the big, pink elephant in the room. I guess I just have to dive in and let it all out. Finding out I was pregnant in May was seriously the highlight of my year. When that happened I was on cloud 11. It was an overwhelming feeling of joy and happiness for both me and Joe. When I found out I had miscarried I was devastated but I really pushed those feelings away. I knew that miscarriages were very common. I know they happen all the time and that they are just a fact of life. I knew there was nothing I did that could've prevented it from happening. I think those are the things that got me through the initial shock and heartache. But now, eight months later, the pain is still here and it is still intense.

When I was thinking of writing this post, and I've been thinking about it for a week now, I couldn't help but think how my life would be different had I not lost the baby. I was due January 22, 2008 so that would make me 8 months pregnant right now. I would probably already know the sex of my baby, would have the nursery set up, would've already had my baby shower.... I would have a big, pregnant belly and would be feeling my baby move and kick. It's amazing to think that so much time has already passed. I was hoping to already be pregnant again before my due date came around but it looks pretty unlikely. It's really sad.

It's crazy but I think tonight, writing this post, is the first time that I've really sobbed thinking about my miscarriage. I've cried but I usually just tell myself it's a part of life and move on. I put on my brave face and my "happy" smile for the rest of the world to see. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm looking back on my year of ups and downs or that I'm finally just getting everything out that I've been holding in. It's feels kind of good actually. It's like acknowledging my grief will help me let it go. Hopefully letting go will help me move on and prepare for a new year. And hopefully the new year will be better than this one has been.

I don't usually make resolutions and probably won't this year either. I do have goals that I'd like to achieve so I guess those could be considered resolutions. I would like to be more responsible with my money and really start saving. I would like to re-do my kitchen and my backyard. I would like to continue exercising and eating a healthier diet. Obviously, I would like to get pregnant but I know that's the one thing I have no control over. But I think mostly, I'd like to let go of the past and start living for now. I want to live for me and Joe and what we've got going right now. Stop wondering about what might have been or what will be. Stop regretting decisions that I can't change now anyway. I want to go into 2008 with a clear mind and a clear conscience. I hope this post is a step in that direction.

If I don't post again between now and Christmas, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday filled with family and friends. Love you!