Ready or not

5 more weeks. On one hand, it will be great to not be pregnant anymore. I am getting pretty uncomfortable. My back has been killing me, my ribs are sore from the daily river dancing on them, I pee constantly, can barely roll over in bed anymore, and I’ve begun grunting anytime I stand up, sit down, or have to bend over. Riding in the car for longer than a half hour is a pretty miserable experience between the back pain, the rib kicking and the restless leg syndrome that has popped up recently. I’m just overall tired and grumpy. I am sure that I have not been fun to live with.

On the other, I am not prepared for baby. The room is ready, the clothes are washed and put away, the car seat bases are installed but as far as how to care for the baby? Not ready. I know the basics about holding and diapering and giving a bottle. But, the routine of things has me a little freaked. I know there won’t be a schedule at first but when the baby wakes up in the middle of the night do I change him then feed him, get him back to bed and then pump? I haven’t done my breast feeding class yet and I hope that will help educate me about that process but I’ve heard breastfeeding can be an uphill battle. I want to try to make it work for us, I just have no idea how it is going to go. But, even with all those concerns, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Look at all the idiots out there who have children. If they can do it, I’m sure we can. We’ll figure it out. It’ll just take time and making mistakes to learn what works best for us.

I am getting excited to meet Evan. As I was going through the clothes putting them away I started to picture him wearing the different outfits. I still can’t picture his face. Is it weird that I can’t yet? I’ve had some dreams about having a baby but the baby starring in the dreams is always someone else’s baby. The other night it was some random co-worker’s grandson. His red-headed grandson. LOL But mostly he’s just this faceless blob that I can’t quite picture. He’s like a hypothetical baby, not a real one. I know I’m so weird.

I was thinking the other day about future family vacations and all the places I want to take Evan someday. I thought about us in New York City going to a Yankee game and to see the Statue of Liberty and to just introduce him to the sheer size of Manhattan. And I can’t wait to take him to the Grand Canyon. Seeing it in person took my breath away and I can’t wait for him to have that experience. And the Keys to see the beauty of a Key West sunset. Or even just to the zoo to watch his first glimpse of a giraffe or an elephant. I really can’t wait to see him discover the world.

I want so badly for him to be a good person, a gentleman who knows his manners and when and where to use them. I also want him to be a man’s man who knows how to fix things and kill spiders and throw a proper punch when needed. Creative and self-motivated, not afraid to speak his mind or to stand up for what he believes in. I want him to take chances and make mistakes but to reflect on those mistakes and learn from them. I want him to love his momma and not be embarrassed to give me a hug and a kiss even when he’s bigger than me. I want him to be able to talk to me and tell me what he’s feeling or if he’s having a problem. I want him to be responsible and to take pride in himself and the work that he does.

So along with learning how to bathe him and when to change him and how to read and respond to his cries I also need to learn how to culminate a good, contributing member of society. Tall task. I hope to not place too much pressure on him and to lead by example and just hope that every lesson we try to teach along the way will be stored in his little “vault” so he can look back later and say, “I get it now”.

I know we’ll never be fully prepared to bring home a baby, there are just too many unknowns. But as long as we show him all the love we’ve been saving up for him over the last six years, I’m sure he’ll be just fine.