Bitter, party of one

Its Thanksgiving Day. A day to give thanks for all the things you are grateful for. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, the best two dogs in the whole world, my beautiful home, my great job, good friends and my almost perfect health. I have a lot to be grateful for. But I can't shake the bitterness and sadness for the one thing I want more than anything.

The holidays are hard for me. For some reason today is especially hard. I've never been so overwhelmed with sadness on a holiday before. I didn't even expect it either. I just woke up today in a sad mood. The commercials on TV and the Macy's parade didn't help. There is a stupid grocery store commercial running that makes me cry every freaking time it comes on. It is a montage of a bunch of families sitting down to dinner and one of the mothers stands up and is talking about all the things she's thankful for. She looks at her very pregnant daughter and says she's thankful that at the next Thanksgiving there will be a new family member. God, why don't you just stab me in the heart Publix? Then stupid Matt Lauer had to point out all the kids sitting on their dad's shoulders watching the Macy's parade while their moms took pictures. The tears won't stop!

I try so hard not to live in the past and play the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" game but it is so hard not to. If things would've worked out for us, we would have a ten month old child right now. Instead all I have is a bruise on my belly from fertility drug injections and a stack of credit card bills that remind me of every failed fertility treatment we've tried. It sucks. I feel like this process will never end. I just feel like all hope is gone.

And now I have to go sit with family and pretend like nothing is wrong. When my mom talks about how much she loves her grand kids or wants to show off their newest pictures all I can think about is how I have nothing to offer. Its just me and Joe and my dogs. We don't have anything to bring to the table. I feel like such an outcast. I'm definitely not looking forward to Christmas!

I hate that I feel this way too. I start throwing myself these pity parties and then feel overwhelming guilt for letting myself be sad over this. There are people out there that are facing huge obstacles in their lives. You know, at least I have a house and can pay my bills and put food on the table. At least I'm not fighting a battle for my life. At least I know my husband is safe and sound at home with me instead of on a battle field half way across the world. But this is MY problem. This is the battle I'm fighting and I honestly don't know how I can still be fighting after all this time. I'm like Rocky 10 rounds into the fight. I'm bloody and can't see out of one eye but I keep getting up to get pounded some more.

I'm sorry for being such a Thanksgiving downer. I knew when I couldn't blow dry my hair without bawling, that I had to get this out. Better on my blog than over the dinner table, right? I guess holding it all in really isn't the way to go. Sometimes I feel like if I keep stuff to myself that its not really happening. If nobody knows about it then they can't talk about it and it isn't real. But on days like this it is all too real and it hurts and it sucks. I hate myself for being so bitter and jealous and sad. I think its time to break out the wine and just go numb for the rest of the day.

Before I depart on my pity train, I do sincerely want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you all can find many things in your lives to be thankful for. To all my family, I miss you very much and hope to be able to see you again soon. And to my friends, I hope you all have a great day as well. I wish you were all here drinking wine with me.

Everyone enjoy your turkey day!! Happy Thanksgiving.

Please don't leave any comments to this post. I know everyone means well and wants to make me feel better but I just can't take another, "hang in there". Thanks.