How to deal with a jackass

I don't understand people sometimes. I don't know if people just don't know the rule, "if you don't have anything nice to say..." then shut the fuck up. That's how it goes right? Maybe they just have no idea how to use their internal edit button. Whatever it is, I've been encountering some real assholes lately. And usually I'm so caught off guard by the crazy things people say that I usually just grin and bear it, then stew about it silently all day and come home and explode. So, I thought maybe you all could give me some helpful hints on how to deal with the following scenarios.

Jackass number one is a lady that I work with. I don't know if she feels threatened by my awesomeness or she's just sad that she is no longer as awesome as she thinks she is but she loves to give backward compliments. The lady is fifty and you can tell that she used to be a really pretty woman. But now her face is really wrinkly, especially around the mouth, and she's got cellulite on her calves. She likes to make comments about how I dress. Like one day I was wearing a summer scarf and she told me I looked like a flight attendant. Another day I was wearing black, peep toe heels and she made a big fuss about how sexy they were. Another day I was wearing black pants, a black v-neck t-shirt, and a black and white zebra print scarf and she was like, "whooooo... sexy". Now, I don't go into my closet in the morning looking for something sexy to put on. That's not how I want to portray myself, especially at work. It makes me mad that she would immediately go to that reaction. It makes me doubt what I put on and makes me feel like I'm making a bad impression. Even though she's the only person that ever says anything like that to me. Its annoying and I just want to tell her and her cellulite cankles to fuck off. But normally I either don't say anything or say thank you. I don't know what the appropriate response is to that.

Two weeks ago I wore my hair straight and ran into jackasses number two and three. People love to make comments on my hair, especially when its straight, so I'm kind of used to them and prepared for it. But these two nim-wads took it a step further. The guy was commenting on my hair and saying that he liked it and said, while making hand gestures around his own head, that it makes my head "look smaller". Uhhhhh... huh?! Then his partner in jackassness chimed in and said, "yeah and it looks like you're wearing less makeup... definitely not as heavy as usual." Well, I was wearing the EXACT makeup that I wear everyday. But thanks for letting me know that on a normal day that I look like a big headed drag queen. Makes me feel really great about wearing my hair curly again. I understand that these people were trying to pay me a compliment but they were doing it at the expense of "regular" me. Just because I have straight hair doesn't mean I don't have feelings. And those two just trampled them.

The worst offender, by far, came last week. I'm the first to admit that lately I've been putting on some weight. I've probably gained 6-7 pounds over the last couple of months. I feel gross and unattractive and my clothes don't fit as well as they used to. I've only got three pairs of pants that I can wear comfortably all day. So, last week I was feeling particularly hefty and decided to wear a dress to work. I like dresses because there is no constricting waistband and they kind of flow around my mid-section. The dress I was wearing that day wasn't real flowy but definitely wasn't tight. I had a customer come in who was a really nice older man. I was sitting at my desk and he walked up in front of it, looked down at my stomach area and said, "well, when" I immediately knew what he had just assumed (that I was pregnant and he wanted to know my due date) but I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. So, I gave him my evilest bitch look and said, "when what". And he didn't take the hint! He again looked down at my belly and asked, "when". I repeated, in a bitchier tone than before, "when what". He must've gotten the hint at that point because he just smiled and said, "so everything's going well here, have a good day". I was completely dumbfounded. Don't people know that you should NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant unless she's like nine months pregnant and her water just broke? I was so upset. But I honestly have no idea what I should've said in that situation. Do I say, no not pregnant... just fat? What do you say?

Anyway, besides the jackasses I've been so fortunate to run into lately, things have been alright here. Our plants in the new landscape are still alive so that's a good thing. The weather is getting cooler here and we've been able to open the windows and let some fresh air in. We may actually get down in the sixties this week so I may have to pull out the first sweater of the season. Winter is definitely not my favorite season of the year but the weather we've been having lately has been pretty nice so I can't complain too much.

I took Joe to the airport this afternoon. He'll be in Atlanta until Thursday for some big medical equipment convention. He's staying at the Ritz in downtown Atlanta. I'm so jealous that I wasn't able to join him but he'll be busy the whole time so I'd be alone most of the time. Oh well, maybe next trip. His family will all be here on Saturday so we're really excited to see them. They're driving down from Alabama and I haven't seen them since last Thanksgiving. It'll be Joe's mom, his sister and her husband and their two little girls. We're going to have a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday since we won't see them on actual Thanksgiving and then we're all going to Disney on Monday. So, that should be fun.

Anyway, I'll keep you all posted on how my Thanksgiving dinner goes and any new jackasses that I come into contact with. Have a good week!