Knee Jerk Reaction

I think you all know by now that I'm the first one to admit that I'm a tad neurotic. Ok, maybe more than a tad, most of my thoughts could probably be construed as neurotic. I've come to terms with it and know that it's just a part of who I am. But, there are some occasions when even I am caught of guard by my neuotic-ness... is that even a word? Anyway...

This weekend I was watching the show "Clean House" on the Style Network. I'm sure most of you have seen it. A crew, and host Niecy Nash (Reno 911), go into the homes of some very messy and disorganized people and clean it up, sell their stuff at a garage sale and redecorate. Well, the episode I was watching was a special two hour episode. It was "Clean House: Messiest House in America II". Oh my God you guys, I can't even describe to you how bad this house was. There was shit stacked to the ceiling in the living room, dirty dishes and boxes and food covering every inch of the kitchen, there was even a litter box that hadn't been cleaned since the couple got rid of their cat- two years prior! It was horrible. The couple, of course, had a million excuses as to how they let their house get so bad. It was ridiculous though, I don't see how anyone could let their house get that far out of control.

Then I started looking around at my own house. Now, I know that my house isn't anywhere even remotely close to as messy as the house on this show but, being that I'm neurotic, I started thinking about how something like that even happens. I mean, do you just stop vacuuming, or stop doing the dishes? Do you hang on to stuff for so long that you just run out of places to put it and start stacking it in your living room? Do you hate cleaning the bathroom so much that you just don't? I hate cleaning the bathroom. I'll usually put it off a little longer than I probably should. Can you feel the neurosis building? Yeah, I did too and I immediately got off the couch and went and scrubbed my shower. I gotta tell you, I felt a lot better afterwards. Even though I know I will never be disgustingly neglectful of my household chores like the people on that show were, at least I made a step towards cleanliness.

I'm like that with other things too though. I see a woman with leathery, wrinkly, tan skin and tell myself that I'm too old to be in the sun without sunscreen. I see the faintest hint of a wrinkle on my forehead and make sure that I slather on my Oil of Olay every night. I see a poor, uninformed fashion victim at the mall wearing "mom jeans" and I immediately start reassessing my wardrobe to make sure I'm not falling into a fashion rut. It's like every time I see something that could somehow, someday happen to me I have this knee jerk reaction and jump into trying to fix it... even if it hasn't even started happening to me.

I know I keep saying that I'm going to try really hard not to concentrate on the future and that I'm going to try to live in the present but sometimes it's really hard. I guess I feel like I've worked so hard and have been so introspective with myself to get to where I am now, which is probably the best I've ever been... definitely my most fabulous self ever. I just don't want to stop looking at myself in realistic terms and really thinking about and working towards what makes me happy or what I love or what I'd like to change or what I won't settle for. I want to keep evolving and getting better and not get stuck in ruts. I know ruts are inevitable but maybe they're easier to crawl out of if you've got a little bit of momentum to push you though.

So maybe knee jerk reactions aren't so bad after all. They are essentially the kick in the ass I need to keep reassessing myself and the world around me. I could probably stand tone them down to say, a knee bounce or something and save myself the craziness that usually accompanies the "jerk reaction". But, then again, if I could do that, what would happen to that crazy, neurotic girl inside me that just loves to get out and go ape shit? Sometimes it's fun to let her out.