Summertime blues

From Sex and the City:
Charlotte: When did it become fall?
Anthony: Somewhere between your ovaries and my boredom!

I can't believe that summer is over. It's so sad to me. Where the hell did the summer go? Seriously, wasn't it just April?! It seems like the time has flown but I went through a lot in these past couple of months. It just doesn't seem possible.

Usually I'm all excited about fall. All the shows are coming back for their new seasons, you get to open the windows and air the house out, football (college and pro) is back.... I can't even get into football this year. It might have a little to do with the fact that both our teams, Florida State and the Tampa Bay Bucs are not shaping up to have a great year but usually I'm excited to sit down and watch the game. Not this year. I get so bored. I feel like I should be outside soaking up every drop of summer that I can get.

Fortunately, it is still warm here. I mean it's been in the 90's all week so it's not fall weather by any means and we can still use the pool. But you can already tell a change in the pool temperature. Over the summer the pool is like 90 degrees. Now, there is just a slight chill when you jump in. The breeze is getting cooler too.

Before you know it we're going to have to start wearing sweaters. ICK! I am just not looking forward to that at all. I prefer the heat. I can schlep around on the weekends in my bathing suit and a terry cloth dress or throw on a tank top and shorts and flip flops and be out the door. When it's cold you have to put on socks and substantial shoes and layers. Your skin gets all dry from the central heat and the outside cold, your skin gets pasty. Blah...

All of that stuff gets me down but I also think I'm having a hard time leaving summer behind because of everything that's happened to me. I found out I was pregnant in May and then learned I had miscarried in June. I think I used being outside in the pool as a way to escape. I could lay on my raft and sing along to Jimmy Buffet and forget it ever happened. Unfortunately when I found out I was pregnant I marked my calender ahead every month so that I would remember to take a picture of my growing belly. Now those pink highlighted dots on my calendar glare up at me and remind me of how far along I would've been. I would've been 17 weeks pregnant now and would probably be finding out my baby's sex. It's almost a surreal feeling. It seems like a dream or like I had imagined the whole thing. It doesn't seem possible that it actually happened. I know it did, I had several home pregnancy tests and two blood tests to confirm it but it still doesn't seem real.

Moving into fall just reminds me that another year is coming to an end. Another year of disappointment and heartache. I remember last New Year's Eve I cried watching the ball drop. Every year for the past 3 years I've wished on that stupid ball that it would finally be the year for us, that it would be the year that I would get pregnant. It just never happens... well I guess it did this year but it didn't last. I just don't think I can face that ball again without being pregnant. And, you know, I love my nieces and nephew so much but the holidays are hard. We're going to Alabama to see my in-laws and my two gorgeous nieces at Thanksgiving and I just wish we had a baby of our own to take with us or at least have one on board to celebrate. Christmas is going to be really fun this year watching Pierce and Peyton open presents but I would've been 8 months pregnant by then. I try really hard not to think of life in those types of time lines but it's really hard not to.

I guess I'm just going to have to face the facts and dive into a new season whether I like it or not. Because no matter how much I wish for the world to slow down or pause for me, it's not going to. Hopefully this fall will bring new and happy things into our lives. I guess we'll just have to wait and see....