When I grow up...

I think I'm in the midst of a mid-work-life crisis. It really should be no surprise to anyone that knows me that I'm not fond of my job. But, it's not really my current job because I've never really loved ANY job that I've done. My whole working life I have had a job just to pay the bills. Well I'm tired of it! I long for a job that I love. Not just a JOB but a passion, an obsession, a career, an office with pink walls and a dark mahogany desk where I can sit and let my creativity pour out of me!

But, in search of this great career I keep imagining, all I know is how I want to decorate my office and what I want to wear to work. I can't really picture what I want to do. Actually, I can picture myself doing lots of things, I just can't narrow it down to the one I like the best. I've thought of wedding/party planner, an all cupcake bakery, a desert shoppe, an upscale doggy boutique... the list seriously goes on from there. Those are my top 4 fantasy jobs though. The problem with all of these fantasies is that they involve me being self-employed. Being self-employed scares the crap out of me.

I've always been a responsible girl. I work hard, I pay my bills, I make sure my dogs are fed and well taken care of, I change my oil on a regular basis, I bought a house and have a mortgage and car payments and insurance payments and student loan bills... A job is a necessity in my life. I can't be without my paycheck. That's why being self-employed scares me. I'm terribly afraid of failure. I'm afraid that if my dream doesn't work out as planned that not only will I lose everything that I've worked for but so will Joe.

I'm reading a book right now, "How To Be Like Walt". It's a story about Walt Disney and how he achieved what he did. I'm only on Chapter 3 and I'm already amazed at this man's life. The guy was broke, had no shoes, was eating cold beans out of a can for dinner and still managed to be optimistic about what he was trying to achieve. Did you hear what I said, NO SHOES! That would've been a deal breaker for me right there! I just don't know where people get their optimism and their determination and their guts. How do you fall flat on your face and lose everything and keep going and keep trying to pursue that dream? I live a much safer life than that.

I've also worked for a couple of people who are self-employed. One thing I've noticed about self-employed people is that they work a lot. I, on the other hand, like to go home at 5:00 and get a little irritated if I get called on the weekend. How could I ever be self-employed?! I think maybe if I enjoyed my job I wouldn't mind working the extra hours. Another thing I've noticed about self-employed people is that they are doing pretty well financially. I'm not saying all self-employed people do well but the ones I've worked for are. Joe and I know that if we continue on this path we are on right now that we'll never be rich people. We could be comfortable but we're not going to be dining with the Rockefeller's any time soon. But, if one of us took a chance and explored our passions, we could have the opportunity to expand our finances. It's just taking the chance.

I said it before and I'll say it again, where do you get the guts to take a chance? How do you not worry about your finances and go out on your own? Where do you get the confidence and optimism to step outside of what you know? If you know how/what/where, let me know because I need it. I need someone to kick me in the ass and say, "Tricia, you're a talented person, get out there and show the world". People have said that to me, but no one has ever kicked me in the ass. I think that's the part that's missing.

I guess for now, I'll go on, merely existing at my current job. Hopefully soon, though, I'll see my true calling and actually step outside of my safety zone and try something new. Maybe someday you'll see me on "Whose Wedding is it Anyway" or some "cutest bakery in America" show sitting behind my mahogany desk, in my pink office, wearing a cute little suit and some super fabulous Jimmy Choos.

Until then my job fantasies live on...